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In Acmetropolis, a fast-food restaurant named ‘The Meteor Grill’ had been the most popular hotspot in the city for months, largely thanks to its number-one seller: the Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger. The burger wasn’t just cooked; it was molecularly engineered.
The Bun: Plasma-Toasted Aero-Dough—an ultra-light, golden bun infused with microscopic pockets of pressurized nitrogen.
The Patty: The Hyper-Dense Protein Matrix—synthesized from planetary exploration rations.
The Cheese: Liquid-Neon Fusion Cheddar—a vibrant, glowing green-and-gold cheese blend that behaves like a semi-fluid energy source.
The Sauce: "Mach-Velocity" Relish—a zesty, glowing purple sauce made from mutated Acmetropolis sweet peppers.
This was Acmetropolis’ finest award-winning burger. But, of course, even with the finest culinary achievement, there came a strict health warning labeled on the back of the wrapper:
CAUTION: The Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger utilizes a synchronized calorie-compression grid. Safe consumption requires a standard 72-hour metabolic cooldown between servings. Exceeding this limit will result in an immediate release of compressed mass, causing instantaneous storage of hyper-dense body fat (Approx. 150 lbs per additional burger consumed). Do not operate heavy machinery or high-tech lab equipment post-expansion.
Being a former delivery boy and the fastest roadrunner alive, Rev Runner happily accepted a sponsorship from the restaurant to help promote, deliver, and—naturally—consume the famous burgers. He did his part to get them to hungry citizens, serving straight from a high-tech outdoor food truck. Everyone in the city was enjoying the phenomenon... well, except for one person. Tech E. Coyote.
Because Tech was Rev’s boyfriend, he had reluctantly agreed to help run the cashier position at the truck. As customers bought the food, Tech looked at them with pure, unadulterated disgust.
Tech E. Coyote: “Here you are, sir… a Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger with the works, fries on the side, and a large solar-coke.”
Male Customer: “Thanks.”
As soon as the customer turned around, Tech scoffed under his breath.
Tech E. Coyote: “Microbrain.”
Male Customer: (Turning back around) “Pardon me?”
Tech E. Coyote: (Quickly covering) “You forgot your mayonnaise dip.”
Male Customer: “Oh, thanks.”
The customer walked off to sit at a nearby picnic table. Tech leaned against the counter, groaning.
Tech E. Coyote: “Look at him eating that unscientific garbage. It’s disgusting. They’re sickening. I can’t believe the others are out doing patrol while I have to stand here instead of doing important work in my lab, serving this slop to everyone. I hate Turbo-Grid Mega-Burgers.”
Rev Runner: (Laughing rapidly) “Hahahahahaha! Good one, Tech!”
Tech E. Coyote: “Good what?”
Rev Runner: “Oh-come-on-babe, don’t-pretend-like-you-don’t-know-what-I’m-talking-about, saying ‘I hate Turbo-Grid Mega-Burgers.’ That’s-freaking-hilarious. Everyone-here-in-Acmetropolis-loves-these-burgers!”
Tech E. Coyote: “Yeah, well, not me.”
Rev Runner: (Pauses for a moment, then shouts to the crowd) “Ah, you’re good at that! Hey everyone, Tech here says he doesn’t like Turbo-Grid Mega-Burgers! Ha!”
The customers gathered around the tables laughed heartily.
Tech E. Coyote: “Okay, I can appreciate that they know about you and me, but did you really have to encourage them about my stance with this… this… slop? They’ll never leave.”
Rev Runner: “Sorry, Tech. It’s-just-the-funniest-thing-I’ve-ever-heard-in-my-life. Besides, you-know-what-the-folks-say-around-here.”
Suddenly, the customers leaned over the counter all together, startling the coyote.
Customers in Unison: “The only people who don’t like the Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger… have never tasted one!”
They promptly returned to their seats.
Tech E. Coyote: “That’s me. Never had one, never will.”
The moment the words left Tech's mouth, Rev’s eyes opened wide, his entire body freezing in absolute shock. Distracted, he flung his spatula mid-flip. The glowing patty went sailing through the open roof of the truck, flying high into the air until it struck an unsuspecting squirrel on a nearby tree branch, knocking it clear off.
Rev Runner: “What?”
Tech E. Coyote: “What?”
Rev Runner: “What; what did you say?”
Tech E. Coyote: “I never had a Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger and never will.”
Rev Runner: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand that—”
Tech E. Coyote: “I never had a Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger.”
Rev Runner: (Still shocked, rapidly pulling an Acme dictionary out of nowhere) “Those words… could-it-even-be-absolutely-positively-possible-to-use-every-single-one-of-those-words-and-put-them-all-together-in-a-sentence-like-that?!”
Tech E. Coyote: “Geez, Rev, do I have to spell it out for you?! I… Never… Had… A Turbo-Grid… Mega-Burger!”
Rev Runner: (Tossing the dictionary over his shoulder) “Never-had-a-Turbo-Grid-Mega-Burger?! Well, you-gotta-have-one-right-now!” (Zipping around the kitchen to assemble a fresh burger before dashing outside to Tech's side of the counter) “It’s-no-wonder-you’re-always-so-miserable-at-times! Here, try this!”
Tech E. Coyote: (Swatting the burger away) “Get that garbage out of my face!”
Rev zipped at lightspeed to catch the burger before it hit the dirt, bringing it right back up.
Rev Runner: “If you try it, I’m sure you’ll love it.”
Tech E. Coyote: “Try one of those radioactive sludgeballs you call food? Next, I suppose you'll want me to go square dancing with Slam.”
Rev Runner: (Quickly activating his wrist-communicator) “Sorry, Slam, Tech’s out.”
Slam Tasmanian: (Over the comms) “Grr… R’okay… Duck?!”
Danger Duck: (Yelling in the background) “What?!”
Rev clicked off the wrist-comm with a grin.
Rev Runner: “Come on, Tech, give it a try.”
Tech E. Coyote: “No.” (Pushes it away)
Rev Runner: “Open up the tunnel, here comes the train. Choo-choo, Meep-meep!”
Tech E. Coyote: (Swatting it again) “I’m not a baby!”
Rev Runner: (Reaching behind Tech’s pointed ear) “Whoa, what’s that in your ear?”
Tech E. Coyote: “Please, quit it.”
Rev Runner: “Come on, open wide.”
Tech E. Coyote: “Rev, if I were trapped on a distant planet for three years with nothing to eat but that burger, I’d eat my own legs first.”
DING!
Tech E. Coyote: “Oh, break time.” (Slams an 'On Break' sign onto the counter and marches out of the truck) “And I can do that repeatedly because I can regenerate.”
Rev Runner: (Following close behind) “But Tech, it’s good for you!”
Tech E. Coyote: “Good for me?! That thing is a heart attack on a bun!”
Rev Runner: “No, Tech, I meant… good for your soul.”
A pair of imaginary angel wings and a glowing halo instantly appeared over Rev's head.
Tech E. Coyote: “Oh, please. I have no soul.”
Suddenly, imaginary hellfire surrounded Tech, accompanied by a booming, dramatic evil laugh. He snapped out of it a second later, blinking.
Tech E. Coyote: “Um… forget I said that.”
Tech marched toward a nearby porta-potty to get some peace, but Rev was hot on his heels.
Rev Runner: “Okay, then how about half?”
Tech E. Coyote: “No.”
Rev Runner: “A quarter?”
Tech E. Coyote: “No.”
Rev Runner: “One bite?”
Tech E. Coyote: “No!”
Tech slammed the porta-potty door shut. But as he turned around, a small hatch in the wall zipped open, and Rev’s hand popped through holding the burger.
Rev Runner: “Okay, then maybe just smell it.”
Tech E. Coyote: “If I didn’t want it out there, what makes you think I'd find it more appealing… (Kicking the burger away) IN HERE?!”
The relentless pursuit didn't stop there. Later, while Tech was washing serving trays, Rev suddenly materialized inside the mountain of soap bubbles.
Rev Runner: “Come on, Tech.”
Tech E. Coyote: “No.”
Rev zipped out of the suds, leaving a bubble-sculpture of himself holding the burger. Tech rolled his eyes and popped it with a claw.
Next, while Tech was operating the cash register, the drawer suddenly slid open. Rev popped out from under the cash tray, covered in loose coins.
Rev Runner: “One bite.”
Tech E. Coyote: “No!”
Rev snapped back into the drawer, sending coins flying everywhere.
Even when Tech tried to escape the customers by taking out the heavy trash bins, the lid flipped open to reveal Rev wearing garbage lids like a high-tech robot costume.
Rev Runner: “You won’t be sorry.”
Tech E. Coyote: (Slamming the lid right back down on him) “NO!”
Tech spun around to storm off, but a yellow-and-red blur blocked his path.
Rev Runner: “I promise it's delicious.”
Tech E. Coyote: “Okay, Rev. Just how long are you prepared to keep this little game up?”
CLICK.
Tech froze at the sound of metal latching onto his wrist. He looked down. He was officially handcuffed to the roadrunner. Rev used his free hand to offer the burger one more time, wearing a triumphant grin. Defeated, the coyote finally let out a heavy sigh.
Tech E. Coyote: “Fine. Give me that! If I actually die, you stay away from my funeral.”
He took the burger, shivering slightly at the sight of the glowing cheese.
Tech E. Coyote: “Ugh… do I really have to?”
Rev nodded eagerly, his pupils fully dilated with anticipation. Tech opened his mouth, slowly bringing the burger closer to his teeth. Rev let out a tense, high-pitched whine of excitement. Finally, Tech's teeth sank into a microscopic portion of the bun, cheese, sauce, and patty.
He chewed with his eyes squeezed tight, and his face completely scrunched up in simulated disgust, swallowing it down. But the moment it hit his stomach, his eyes snapped open, his pupils dilating as a massive smile spread across his face.
Rev was ecstatic, his eyes literally turning into the shape of throbbing hearts.
Tech E. Coyote: “Why… this Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger may be the most… horrible… putrid… poorly prepared… (Rev's eye-hearts shattered in shock) ...vile… unappetizing… disgusting excuse for a sandwich that has ever had the displeasure to have slithered down my throat!”
Rev Runner: “But… but—”
Tech dramatically threw the burger onto the ground, stomping it repeatedly into the dirt.
Tech E. Coyote: “And I curse this Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger… and all who enjoy them… to an early… and well-deserved… GRAVE!”
With a flourish of his tools, he smashed a custom-made wooden tombstone into the dirt, freshly engraved with: Here lies the Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger. Time of life: 20 minutes.
Tech E. Coyote: “Get it now?!”
Rev Runner: “But-it-doesn't-make-any-sense! The-Turbo-Grid-Mega-Burger-is-an-absolute-good! Nobody-is-immune-to-its-tasty-charms!”
Tech E. Coyote: “Well, then I guess I'm the lucky one, because clearly, nobody is immune but me.”
Rev Runner: “Are you sure?”
Tech E. Coyote: (Leaning in with a deadly serious glare) “Does this look unsure to you?”
Rev Runner: “No.”
Tech E. Coyote: “Good. Now go spread the word.”
Heartbroken and disappointed, Rev hung his head and slowly walked back into the food truck, closing the door behind him. The very instant the latch clicked, Tech’s serious demeanor vanished. His eyes went wide with desperation. He spun around, kicked the tombstone away, and began frantically digging through the dirt like a madman.
Tech E. Coyote: “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Come on, come on, come on! (Pulling the dirt-covered burger out and gasping dramatically) Still aliiiiiiiiiiiive!”
Completely ignoring the grime, Tech shoved the rest of the burger into his face, chewing as his life depended on it.
Tech E. Coyote: “So delicious! All those wasted months! What have I been missing?!”
Sinking to his knees in tears of pure euphoria, he began frantically licking the residual sauce off the dirt. He only stopped when a passing civilian cleared his throat.
Male Citizen: “Dude… there are kids here. Show some manners.”
Tech E. Coyote: (Quickly wiping his tongue, blushing) “Oh, uh, right. I’m sorry, sir. Won’t happen again... Hehehe.”
The man walked away, thoroughly weirded out.
Tech E. Coyote: “I gotta have more. I just gotta have more!”
Tech sprinted toward the food truck, his tongue sticking out as he laughed like a manic villain. But right as his hand touched the doorknob, he froze, remembering his dramatic performance.
Tech E. Coyote: “Wait a minute! After the show I just put on, he’d never let me live it down. What am I gonna do? I can’t just ask for one now. Wait… I got it. I’ll just sneak one… yeah… I’ll sneak one. Just one. And then, I’m off the stuff for good. And… maybe I better apologize for my behavior.”
He peeked through the truck's side window. Inside, Rev was expertly flipping patties on the plasma-grill.
Rev Runner: “I-never-thought-in-my-wildest-dreams-that-it-would-be-possible. But-I-suppose-that-there-are-some-people-who-just-really-don’t-like-the-Turbo-Grid-Mega-Burger.”
Tech slipped through the back door, trying to act natural as he returned to his station. His eyes, however, were completely locked onto the sizzling grill.
Tech E. Coyote: “Ahem… uh, Rev?”
Rev Runner: “Yes, Tech?”
Tech E. Coyote: “I need a Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger on a sesame seed bun… uh… with extra pickles… aha… a-and burn it to a crisp, okay?”
Rev Runner: “Coming right up! Listen, Tech, I want to apologize for before. I was only trying to make you happy.”
Tech E. Coyote: “No, Rev, it’s okay, I understand. I should apologize to you. I m-may not like the burger like everyone else, but that never gave me the right to take it out on you. I’m sorry. As annoying as you were... I know you just wanted me to try it.”
Rev Runner: “Thanks, Tech. So anyway…”
As Rev kept talking, Tech completely zoned out. His pupils literally morphed into the shapes of spinning burger patties flipping in midair. The Liquid-Neon Fusion Cheddar sizzled and bubbled on the hot surface, sending a wave of fragrant, pepper-infused steam directly into Tech's nose. The scent gave his senses a soft, intoxicating kiss.
Tech E. Coyote: (Whispering dreamily to the steam) “Don’t go...”
Rev Runner: “Though-I-strongly-disagree-with-the-decision-that-you-made-in-regards-to-it, I-am-willing-to-accept-it.”
Rev lifted the freshly prepared burger onto a tray. Tech, completely hypnotized, leaned forward with his jaws wide open to intercept it. But without looking, Rev pulled the tray away to march toward the front window, causing Tech to fall face-first directly onto the scorching hot plasma-grill.
Rev Runner: “You-know-it’s-not-every-day-you-make-a-pretty-looking-burger-like-this! I-want-to-see-the-look-on-the-customer’s-face-when-they-take-that-first-bite!”
Rev swung the truck door open, shouting out to the empty lot.
Rev Runner: “Hello?! Hello?! Turbo-Grid-Mega-Burger-on-a-sesame-seed-bun-and-extra-pickles! Did-somebody-order-a-burger-with-sesame-seed-buns-and-extra-pickles?!”
Silence greeted him.
Rev Runner: “Huh. They must have left.”
Tech used a spatula to pry his own face off the grill. His green-and-black fur was completely singed and smoking, looking exactly like he had just survived a localized dynamite blast. A second later, his advanced cellular regeneration kicked in, instantly restoring his fur.
Tech E. Coyote: “Well, why don’t you just leave it out here in case they come back?”
Rev Runner: “No can do, babe. A-burger-this-special-should-be-eaten-fresh-and… actually, come-to-think-of-it, I-haven’t-had-any-of-these-babies-in-over-three-days, and-I-can-pretty-much-have-these-for-free, so…”
CHOMP.
With a single, effortless bite, Rev swallowed the entire burger whole. Tech let out a strangled gasp of pure despair.
Rev Runner: “Mmm! Well, whoever they were, they had great taste. Haa, they don’t know what they’re missing. Welp, back to work!”
Rev zipped back inside the truck. Tech stood in the dirt, sweating profusely as his inner predator took over.
Tech E. Coyote: “What do I have to do, eat one out of the garbage?!”
Right on cue, a heavy-set customer walked past, holding a pristine Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger with only two bites taken out of it.
Customer: “Man, I wish I could finish this, but I’m so darn full. Oh well.”
The man tossed the nearly whole burger right onto the very top of a nearby overflowing trash bin and walked away.
Tech E. Coyote: “I had to say garbage… but okay!”
Tech vaulted over the counter, sprinting full-speed toward the trash can. Without an ounce of his usual scientific dignity, he dove face-first into the bin, chomping wildly. He pulled himself out, chewing triumphantly, only to realize the texture was horribly wrong. He looked down into his hands; the pristine burger was still sitting untouched on the rim. Tech opened his mouth, revealing he had accidentally consumed a mass of actual garbage instead. Quivering in absolute disgust, he used both hands to scrape the trash off his tongue.
Tech E. Coyote: “Pah! Pfft! Phewie… Ugh… disgusting!”
He reached out to grab the actual burger to try again, but a blur of motion cut him off.
Rev Runner: “Oh no!” (Zipping in and snatching the burger away) “What’s this doing here?! This patty should be cremated!”
To Tech’s horror, Rev dashed over to the truck’s specialized waste-cremation tank, threw the burger inside, and slammed the door. Rev began to weep dramatically as if he were at a solemn funeral. Tech walked up beside him, staring blankly at the incinerator.
Rev Runner: “I-know-you-didn’t-like-them-Tech, but-it-means-so-much-to-me-that-you-came-to-the-service.”
As Rev wiped his tears and walked away, Tech actually began to cry for real.
The obsession followed him home. Throughout the rest of the day and deep into the night, Tech moped around his high-tech laboratory, thoroughly convinced he would never taste culinary perfection again.
Suddenly, a loud banging echoed from above. He looked up at the glass skylight he had recently repaired. Rushing to the control panel, he slammed the release button. The glass slid back, and a heavy object struck him squarely in the forehead. Tech gasped—it was a perfectly wrapped Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger. Then, dozens more began pouring through the ceiling like a glorious downpour.
Tech E. Coyote: “Impossible… but… it’s amazing! It’s raining Turbo-Grid Mega-Burgers! Aaaaaaah!”
Laughing like a lunatic, Tech sprinted across the lab floor with his jaws wide open, successfully catching a burger out of the air. He bit down with satisfying victory—
Poof.
Tech snapped his eyes open, his jaws locked tightly around his soft bedroom pillow. He let out a frustrated groan, spitting out a mouthful of pillow feathers. It had all been a dream.
Tech E. Coyote: “What… pffoot! I have got to get my hands on a Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger. But how? Ah… wait. The company gave Rev a high-security safe to store his promotional inventory down in the HQ garage. That’s it. I’m going to do this right now… and no one is going to stop me.”
Slipping into his uniform, Tech tiptoed out of his quarters, creeping past the bedrooms of his sleeping teammates. He carefully snatched the master keycard from the box outside Rev’s bedroom door, then took the elevator straight down to the sublevel garage. Reaching the high-tech vault room, he peered through the triangular glass window of the main door.
Tech E. Coyote: “There it is. And completely unguarded. All I have to do is… wait. This feels too easy. As annoying as Rev can be, he's actually smarter than he looks. There must be some kind of…” (He paused as a drop of liquid splashed onto the glass from above) “Security?”
Looking up, he spotted a rudimentary plastic bucket rigged directly over the frame.
Tech E. Coyote: “Hahahahahaha! This is Rev’s idea of a burglar alarm? A bucket of water?”
Arrogantly, Tech kicked the door open. The bucket tipped, splashing the liquid all over the floor and soaking Tech's boots.
Tech E. Coyote: “Too easy.” (He paused, sniffing the air as a pungent scent hit his nose. His eyes widened in horror.) “Wait… this isn’t water. This is… gas!”
From the ceiling, a mechanical arm dropped down, striking a match and tossing it into the puddle.
BOOM!
A localized explosion rocked the doorway, leaving Tech screaming as flames engulfed him. The fire dissipated, leaving the coyote collapsed on the floor, completely charred black. Before he could even move, a secondary automated bucket tripped, dousing him in a fresh layer of fuel.
BOOM!
Another explosion echoed through the garage, leaving him smoking and crispy all over again.
Tech E. Coyote: (Coughing heavily as his regeneration slowly fixed his fur) “Now I know how my four-time great-grandfather felt... Gasp!”
But his eyes locked onto the prize. The safe. Stumbling over to the heavy vault door, he swiped the stolen keycard. The mechanical locks whirred, and the massive door swung open, revealing rows upon rows of perfectly stacked, glowing Turbo-Grid Mega-Burgers.
Tech E. Coyote: “Holy circuits! I don’t even know where to start...” (He lovingly scooped up a burger, hugging it to his chest) “Well, all that matters is that it’s just you… and me… and nobody—”
Rev Runner: “Tech?”
The sudden voice from the doorway made Tech jump out of his skin.
Rev Runner: “Tech, is that you?”
Tech E. Coyote: (Frantically shoving the burger behind his back) “Dah… Rev! Uh… what are you doing here?” (Realizing he was holding it in plain sight, he awkwardly shifted it around his waist)
Rev Runner: “I always come down here at 3 am! This is when I count the buns with the sesame seeds to make sure the inventory matches the sponsorship metrics! What are you doing here?”
Tech E. Coyote: “Oh, I forgot my… uh…”
Rev Runner: “And why is the burger vault open?”
Tech E. Coyote: “Oh, I just thought I’d—”
Rev Runner: “And why are you holding a Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger behind your back?”
Tech E. Coyote: (Sweating profusely, his jaw working uselessly) “I-I-I-I-I… y-y-y-you… well, I-I-I… you s-s-s-s-s-see… I-I-I-I-I!”
Rev Runner: “And why are you acting so nervous? And why are you sweating so much? And why do you look so hungry? And—”
Rev stopped mid-sentence. A smug, knowing grin slowly spread across his beak as his eyes locked onto his trembling boyfriend.
Tech E. Coyote: “No, no, wait, Rev, it’s not what you think!” (Rev took a slow, deliberate step closer) “T-this is only a big misunderstanding, you got to believe me!” (Rev leaned even closer, his grin widening) “Listen, I am telling you! You better listen to me, Rev!”
Rev Runner: “You like Turbo-Grid Mega-Burgers... don’t you, Tech?”
Unable to take the smug scrutiny for another second, Tech violently shook his head, grabbed a handful of burgers, and dove headfirst inside the safe, slamming the heavy vault door shut and locking it from the inside.
Tech E. Coyote: “Yes! Ye-hahahahaha-es! I admit it, Rev! You were right! I love Turbo-Grid Mega-Burgers!”
Sitting amidst the stash, Tech frantically unwrapped the first burger and shoved it into his mouth.
Rev Runner: (Speaking through the vault's intercom) “Ha! Well, I knew it all along, Tech! As I said before, no one can resist a Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger!”
Tech was lost to pure joy, completely ignoring the roadrunner as he devoured the first, then immediately reached for a second, a third, and a fourth. By the time the fifth wrapper hit the floor, the frantic muffled chomping sounds echoing through the thick vault door started to make Rev panic.
Rev Runner: “Hey, wait a minute... Tech, how many are you eating?! Tech! Stop right now! Tech!”
Ignoring the warnings, Tech's hands blurred as he grabbed five more burgers, unwrapping them in a frenzy of absolute addiction. Outside, Rev desperately tried to input codes into the locked terminal, his feathers flying as he searched the floor until his foot brushed against the dropped keycard.
But by the time the card slid through the scanner, Tech had already swallowed the final bite of his tenth burger…
The heavy vault door hissed open as Rev swiped the keycard, but he was already too late. Inside the vault, the scene was one of pure, unscientific chaos. Tech E. Coyote was sitting on the floor, surrounded by a mountain of glowing neon-green and purple wrappers. His muzzle was smeared with zesty Mach-Velocity relish, and he was enthusiastically shoving the final crumbs of his tenth Turbo-Grid Mega-Burger into his mouth, his eyes wide with absolute, euphoric bliss. Rev skidded to a halt, his feathers ruffled in absolute shock as he looked at the sheer destruction of his sponsorship inventory.
Rev Runner: “Tech-oh-my-gosh-Tech-what-are-you-doing-you-can't-eat-all-of-those-at-once! I tried to tell you earlier, but you wouldn't listen because you were too busy calling it unscientific garbage, but those are Turbo-Grid Mega-Burgers!”
Tech let out a massive, satisfied burp, wiping his mouth arrogantly as he leaned back against the vault wall.
Tech E. Coyote: “Relax, bird-brain. I am a super-genius. My metabolism can easily handle a few local delicacies. Your concern is mathematically irrelevant.”
Rev shook his head so fast his ears blurred, his hands gesturing wildly in a panic.
Rev Runner: “No-no-no, you don't understand the science, Tech! Each burger is packed with compressed synthetic proteins! The menu explicitly says you're only supposed to eat one every few days because they contain a specialized, hyper-dense caloric matrix designed for extreme planetary exploration! If you eat them all at once, the calories don't burn off—they instantly store themselves!”
Tech blinked, his smug expression faltering slightly as he rubbed his muzzle.
Tech E. Coyote: “Wait. Define 'instantly store themselves.”
Rev pointed a shaking, feathered finger downward.
Rev Runner: “They go straight to your body! All at once! Ten burgers means—”
Before Rev could even finish the calculation, Tech’s midsection gave a sudden, heavy twitch. A massive, round bulge instantly pushed outward, straining against the fabric of his uniform.
Tech E. Coyote: “Uh-oh.”
Suddenly, the hyper-dense calorie matrix from all ten molecularly engineered burgers kicked in with full, catastrophic force. It wasn't a gradual digestion—it was an explosive, supernatural chain reaction of pure weight gain.
FOOMP.
With a loud, heavy rushing sound, Tech's formerly sleek, inventive figure completely vanished. His stomach ballooned outward like a massive, dense boulder, instantly shattering the front buckles and zippers of his uniform.
But the expansion didn't stop there. The 1,500 lbs of hyper-dense body fat flooded his entire frame. His pecs swelled tight and heavy, and his rear pushed outward behind him like giant, overstuffed furniture pillows, completely anchoring him to the vault floor. His arms and legs rapidly thickened into massive, soft pillars of fur, and a sudden surge of fullness rushed up to his face, causing his cheeks to instantly puff out into huge, round, chubby circles that partially obscured his vision.
Within a matter of 30 seconds, the brilliant Tech E. Coyote had been turned into a colossal, soft, 1,500-pound mountain of a coyote.
He tried to lift an arm to point at Rev, but his massive, heavy frame just wobbled dramatically, his giant belly and heavy rear jiggling like a massive beanbag with the slightest movement. He was completely stuck, resting heavily on his own enormous mass.
Rev stared, his eyes the size of flying saucers, completely speechless for the first time in his life.
Tech slowly squeezed his eyes shut, his huge, puffed-up cheeks shifting as he looked down at the massive, soft expanse of his new 1,500-pound body, then looked back up at his boyfriend with a deeply embarrassed, flushed grin.
Tech E. Coyote: “Okay... so your calculations... were technically correct.”
Tech’s back was leaning against the wall, but now his massive behind was taking its turn. He looked less like an apex predator and entirely like an over-inflated, fur-covered hot air balloon. The 1,500 pounds of hyper-dense compressed mass had settled instantly, turning the brilliant scientist into a staggering mountain of soft, green-and-black fluff.
Rev Runner: (Zipping into the vault, his beak agape) “Tech… babe… are you okay? Are-you-hurt? Do-you-need-a-medic? Can-you-even-breathe-in-there?!”
Tech E. Coyote: (Letting out a muffled groan) “Mmph. I think so. Oh, man… look at me… I look like one of those beanbag chairs we have upstairs… except… Ugh… I'm even bigger. And fatter.”
Rev slowly approached his transformed boyfriend, carefully placing both hands against the staggering curve of Tech’s humongous belly. It felt like a massive, warm cushion.
Rev Runner: “Oh dear, I'm so sorry, Tech. This-is-completely-my-fault. If-I-had-any-earthly-idea-that-you-would-indulge-yourself-in-eating-ten-burgers-in-one-sitting, I-would-never-have-pushed-you-to-try-them!”
Tech E. Coyote: “No, Rev. This wasn't your fault. It was mine. You were right about them being good… maybe a little too good. But you were also right about the warning when you first accepted the sponsorship. I completely ignored the caution. I called them unscientific garbage. I let my obsession get the better of me, I wasn't paying attention, and I let myself go. This was entirely my doing.”
Rev Runner: “Don't-worry-about-it-babe, we'll-figure-this-out! But-still… being-the-official-sponsor, I'm-gonna-have-to-make-a-call. This-isn’t-the-first-time-a-crisis-like-this-has-happened, hence-the-reason-why-they-printed-the-warning. I'll-be-right-back-and—”
Tech E. Coyote: “Oof! Rev, careful!”
As Rev accidentally leaned a fraction of his weight against Tech’s belly, a deep, ominous tremor rattled within the coyote's digestive tract. Tech's face began twitching uncontrollably. Fearing another instantaneous mass-expansion, Rev scrambled backward as the gurgling grew louder and louder. Tech’s cheeks ballooned outward as if he were holding his breath, until finally—
BARRRRRRRRRRRRP!!!
A colossal, windows-rattling burp erupted from Tech's jaws. The sheer acoustic force vibrated the entire garage floor, echoed loudly through the elevator shafts of the tower, and lasted for ten agonizing seconds.
Tech E. Coyote: (Blinking, his ears ringing) “Excuse me.”
Rev Runner: “Wow. Just… wow. I’ll-be-right-back.”
Rev swiftly pulled out his high-tech cellphone and snapped a quick photo, the flash illuminating the vault.
Tech E. Coyote: “What’s that for?”
Rev Runner: “In-case-corporate-doesn't-believe-me. Hold-that-thought!”
As Rev zipped outside the vault to make the call, Tech was left alone with his thoughts. He looked around the safe at the scattered wrappers, and then down at himself. His small hands rubbed the top of his colossal belly, then wandered up to his expanded chest, and finally over to his wide, heavy rear. It was an astonishing amount of mass, yet, from a purely analytical standpoint, he was fascinated by how perfectly stable the caloric expansion was. A moment later, a red-and-yellow blur materialized back inside the safe.
Rev Runner: “Okay! Just-got-off-the-phone-with-the-Meteor-Grill-execs; they're-sending-a-crew-to-the-garage-with-an-anti-gravity-pallet-so-they-can-lift-you-back-to-your-lab-with-no-problem-at-all!”
Tech E. Coyote: “Oh, good. Hey, Rev? This may sound incredibly weird right now, but… do you think the restaurant is looking for a lead scientist?”
Rev Runner: “Well, they-do-have-a-few-molecular-testing-labs, but-not-necessarily-with-a-vacant-position… wait… what-are-you-talking-about, Tech?”
Tech E. Coyote: “I’m just wondering if they have an opening because… well, let’s face reality. Despite my current predicament, these physical results are fascinating. If this level of mass storage can happen to someone who eats ten in a single day—well, technically eleven—imagine how big and fat someone would get if they actually tried to beat my record.”
Rev Runner: (Blinking) “So… this-really-doesn’t-bother-you?”
Tech E. Coyote: “Oh, don't get me wrong, it does. I would very much like to be able to walk around and get back to my workshop. But the scientific data is beautiful. I think with my biochemical expertise, we could make the Turbo-Grid Mega-Burgers an even bigger hit. Plus, I imagine there are plenty of competitive microbrains out there who would love to try and break my record.”
As Tech spoke, Rev couldn't help but smile. Scaling the massive slope of Tech's belly like a mountaineer, the roadrunner happily scrambled up until he reached his boyfriend’s chest.
Rev Runner: “Well… you’re-not-entirely-wrong-about-the-marketing-potential. And-I-have-to-admit, I’m-incredibly-flattered-that-you’re-even-remotely-interested-in-my-sponsorship-work!”
Tech E. Coyote: “Well, you can’t deny that this massive weight gain is a scientific opportunity too grand to pass up… and… Rev? What exactly are you doing?”
Rev Runner: (Curling up into a tight, cozy ball on Tech's chest) “Oh… just-cuddling-with-my-boyfriend. Seriously, Tech, your-body-is-so-incredibly-soft. Your-pecs-are-literally-like-giant-plasma-pillows. And-so-warm, too! I’d-really-like-to-just-lie-here-for-a-while-if-you-don’t-mind.”
Tech E. Coyote: (Letting out a soft, defeated sigh, his expression softening) “Well… I suppose it wouldn’t hurt while we wait for the restaurant’s crew to arrive. Besides… comparing your frame to mine right now, you look exceptionally snug.”
Rev Runner: “I love you, Tech. And-when-this-is-all-over, I-promise-I’ll-make-it-up-to-you. Also… I-really-hope-you’re-not-still-mad-at-me-for-using-your-body-as-a-trampoline-that-one-time-back-when-you-turned-into-a-100-foot-blueberry.”
Tech E. Coyote: “I love you too, Rev. And even though that particular incident was utterly insufferable, I’m willing to move past it. Besides… I think this is slightly more comfortable. Though, if we ever go on a proper date to The Meteor Grill… remind me not to overdo it again. Deal?”
Rev Runner: “Deal!”
With a stretch of his neck, Rev reached up to the back of Tech’s head, gently pulling the big coyote down just enough to plant a warm, loving kiss right on his muzzle. Tech smiled, wrapping his arms as far around Rev as he could manage, content to serve as the ultimate, oversized mattress while they waited for the rescue crew to arrive.
THE END