Work Text:
Serj, I love you very much
The show was over, everything had been perfect, the crowd had been more than great. After all those years, Serj was still amazed by the infinite and genuine affection their fans were showing them. The support was intense, strong, loud, and each of the four members of System of a down could feel it in their bones.
Serj, I love you very much
Serj nervously licked his lips, he could taste the saltiness of his own sweat there. Yet, it wasn’t enough as a distraction, because his brain kept playing the same scene on repeat, and there was no way he could interrupt it in any way.
Daron’s voice.
After all those years, it still managed to make him feel fuzzy inside. He had heard Daron talking, singing, screaming, yelling, laughing, moaning, complaining and playfully joking around, and he had always loved every version of him.
It was always Daron, just on a different level of spiciness.
A little smile curled Serj’s lips, but then his mind played it again. It was a constant earworm, and there was no way he could ignore it.
Serj, I love you very much
There was so much tenderness in that statement, something that he had never heard in ages, and it was all his fault.
Back then, he chose to break up with Daron, too afraid of what they might expect in the world, out there. He wasn’t a coward, he had always proudly claimed who he was, but… He had hesitated once, and his mistake was still haunting him until that day.
Years had passed, but his feelings towards the younger man had never changed. Quite the contrary, as the intensity had grown stronger, louder even.
They had never talked about it.
Serj, I love you very much
He had always assumed that Daron hated him, and quite frankly, he could understand him. Daron had a valid point for that, he was the one who broke his heart and ran away, too scared to protect what they had.
That precious bond.
Their relationship.
The most incredible connection he had ever felt in his life.
It was gone, partially.
He was still lucky enough to see Daron, talk to him, work with him, but nothing else. Their relationship had turned into a working one, nothing else. They didn’t hang out anymore, and truth be told, Serj missed him so dearly.
It wasn’t what he wanted.
He missed Daron, he missed what they used to have. The intimacy of their relationship, not just the amazing sex, but mostly… Listening to Daron talking, observing him writing music, getting lost in those eyes that he loved so much, and simply being together, existing next to each other and enjoying the warmth of such a deep connection.
God, he missed everything.
Daron’s absence was incredibly loud in his life, and Serj regretted everything. He had made the biggest mistake of his life, and he had spent every single day mourning the loss, claiming himself daily for what he had lost.
It had been his fault.
Because he had been too scared.
Too stupid.
Too selfish.
He had never asked Daron what he thought about it. Panic had eaten him alive, so he had abruptly destroyed all that he had created with him because his brain had stopped functioning and in less than thirty seconds everything he knew was gone.
He had chosen for both of them without confronting his boyfriend, and now, decades later, he had felt an incredible joy mixed with shame after hearing Daron say…
Serj inhaled deeply.
Serj, I love you very much
It happened again. It seemed his brain wasn’t going to show him any mercy that night.
It was going to be his punishment for his own stupidity.
And Serj knew he deserved it.
~~~
“My man, you look like shit”
A little snort escaped from Serj’s lips. He wasn’t surprised to hear that statement coming from Shavo, who was elegantly sipping his morning coffee with his legs placed on the table like nothing could bother him and quite honestly, Serj knew that it was the truth.
Just Shavo being Shavo.
“It’s always a pleasure to hear such a heartwarming good morning coming from you, Your Majesty”
Shavo openly laughed at that, then he placed the empty mug next to him before looking back at his friend “Seriously, you look awful” he repeated “You good?”
“Just tired” Serj lied “Didn’t sleep well” he tried to sound convincing, as he was well aware that Shavo was a great observer and hiding stuff from him was basically impossible. The last thing he wanted to talk about was how pathetic he felt because he missed Daron in such a deep way.
“It’s because you’re old, you’re like an ancient tree” the bassist played along, a grin on his face “You were busy thinking about the universe, that’s why you look like this this morning”
Serj blinked twice before bursting into a loud laugh: he had no idea if Shavo had put something in his coffee, but he was glad he could distract him from the darkness of his own thoughts.
At least for a couple of instants.
He could allow some mocking, he deserved it.
“What’s so funny?” Daron’s voice interrupted, and Serj instantly turned to welcome the guitarist. He couldn’t help himself, whenever Daron appeared, his body reacted and he had to look at him, ignoring him was physically impossible.
Even after all those years.
Daron’s eyes were still a bit puffy, his long hair was messy and even his bear had seen better days. It looked like he had just woken up.
“Just teasing our ancient mummy” Shavo shrugged, he was clearly having fun and he wasn’t going to stop anytime soon “Nothing unusual” then he lifted a clean mug “Coffee?” he offered, and Daron nodded as a reply before yawning loudly.
It was so much like him as he wasn’t a morning person and Serj suddenly remembered how the younger man used to sleep with his face on his chest, hugging him like he didn’t want to see him running away during the night.
It had always felt like he shared the bed with a koala.
A strong discomfort made Serj’s gut twitch. He didn’t want to have breakfast anymore, his eyebrows were furrowed as he tried to mask his abrupt change of mood.
It felt like he couldn’t breathe properly.
Even swallowing his saliva felt like a challenge.
But since it wasn’t working, he excused himself and walked towards the bathroom. He hated himself so much, what a big asshole he was.
~~~
It had happened again. They had moved to another country, another city, same songs, same everything.
At the end of Roulette, Daron did it again.
The same, soft, tender voice expressed the statement that had been haunting Serj’s brain for the past hours.
Serj, I love you very much
Serj didn’t know what to do. He had no control over his own mind anymore. The earworm had become even louder, too intense for his liking.
He couldn’t ignore it.
Serj, I love you very much
The singer groaned in discomfort. He wished he could make it stop for at least a couple of minutes, it was too much to handle.
Serj, I love you very much
It had been a little while since the last time he had cried, Serj felt his eyes burning and tears started forming as a natural consequence, his feelings were too overwhelming and he couldn’t control himself anymore.
Alone, in his hotel room, Serj Tankian allowed himself to be weak, vulnerable for the first time in ages.
He hated crying, he missed Daron and he wanted to make amends for his past behaviour.
He loved him so much.
~~~
This time, it was John the one who noticed that he wasn’t alright. Normally, the drummer wasn’t exactly a chatty person, he liked to stay in his little bubble and he didn’t pay attention to what surrounded him.
“Are you okay?”
Serj mentally cursed. It wasn’t positive that two of his band members noticed that he wasn’t exactly okay.
“Just tired” Serj replied, and tried to smile to look convincing. He was perfectly aware that the bags under his eyes were speaking loudly on his behalf, and hopefully John would believe that.
After all, it wasn’t like he was openly lying to his friends.
He was… just masking the truth.
He wasn’t really sleeping at night, too lost in his own distress, his brain being so stupidly loud that prevented him from sleeping, and whenever he managed to sleep for more than thirty minutes, he always ended up having dreams about Daron.
Serj had no idea how he was going to survive until the end of the tour.
~~~
Serj, I love you very much
Serj couldn’t believe it had happened, again. Like a damned joke, and not even a funny one.
Yet, something had changed that night.
I love you, too
He wanted to scream it, to tell it out loud and kiss Daron senseless, like he used to do when they were younger. He wanted to hug him tightly, squeeze him and cover his face with pecks, telling him that he loved him and he was so sorry for everything that had happened in the past.
The thing was… He did it.
He had said it.
Right after hearing Daron, Serj, while holding his microphone, had blurted it like he hadn’t destroyed the most incredible relationship he had ever had in his life.
To his surprise, that little statement had slipped out of his lips like it was the easiest thing to say and, in a way, it was.
Loving Daron had never been difficult.
The crowd had reacted positively, screaming in joy after his reply and Serj had distractedly thought it was because none of them had actually understood what had just happened and it was simply a regular reaction after their song.
Serj, I love you very much
Alone in his room, another hotel, same routine, Serj was desperately trying to calm down. His heart was beating like crazy, he couldn’t understand if he had done it for real, of if it was a joke of his exhausted brain.
A sudden knock on the door brought Serj back to reality. A lifted eyebrow, as he didn’t expect anyone, and he was pretty sure that nobody knew the exact location of the hotel, as the last thing he wanted to happen was being surrounded by screaming fans.
Not that he disliked the attention, but at the same time he was aware he looked like he was about to puke the soul out of his body because his brain was playing awful tricks on him, just to make him feel even worse than before, and quite honestly, he didn’t want to be seen in those conditions.
Another knock.
Serj swallowed as he approached the door and carefully opened it. To his surprise, the first thing he saw was the perfectly familiar black hat with a huge D on it. He could recognise that piece of clothing everywhere in less than a second.
It belonged to the person he loved the most.
Eyes widened in terror, Serj had no idea why Daron was right there.
~~~
“D-Daron?” Serj tried to sound polite, he didn’t want to say anything stupid or else, but at the same time he knew he wasn’t exactly doing a great job in pretending that the other man’s presence wasn’t affecting him.
He surely looked like a big idiot, definitely.
Moreover, it had been decades since… Since Daron had knocked on his door at night, right after a gig. Usually, he did it because he wanted to spend the night together with him, while right now, Serj had no idea of what was happening.
The only thing he knew was that seeing Daron at his door was another painful reminder of what he had lost because of his own stupidity.
“Serj” was the laconic answer he got from the younger man. Daron was still wearing the same clothes he had worn on stage, his big sunglasses were hiding his eyes while the hat was basically covering half of his face.
Not sure if he was doing the right thing, Serj moved away from the door and allowed the other man to enter. He had no idea if it was what Daron wanted, as the guitarist was oddly silent, which wasn’t like him.
Daron rarely stayed quiet, especially if they were together.
“It took you a while to say it back”
Serj felt his throat becoming instantly dry “W-What?” he blurted, his last working braincells weren’t cooperating anymore and he was genuinely confused.
Then, Daron removed his sunglasses and lifted his head and their eyes met for the first time that evening.
The first thing Serj noticed was the immense sadness in those dark irises he loved so dearly, and that sight made him frown: why was Daron sad? Was it his fault? Sure, he was the guilty one, he was the one who ruined everything.
“You’re such an asshole” Daron spoke again, and despite the choice of words, his voice didn’t show any hateful feeling, let alone rage or disappointment.
Serj pressed his lips in a grimace before answering “I know” he admitted, not knowing what Daron was referring to, but he had to agree because the other man was clearly right.
After a deep inhale, Serj blurted “I’m so sorry, man, I’m truly sorry” he swallowed before talking again “It’s my fault, and I hate myself for what I’ve done”
To his surprise, Daron didn’t say anything, he kept observing him.
It was so unlike him. In his thoughts, Serj had imagined Daron screaming, yelling at him, showing how much he had hurt him.
It wasn’t happening.
The younger man was still there, standing in front of him, listening to him without saying a single word.
“I’m sorry” Serj repeated, his mouth was dry like hell, he hated the feeling but he had no idea where he had left the bottle of water. Was it on the nightstand? Was it right under the television? He had no clue.
“There’s no need to keep apologising” Daron scoffed “I understood” then he took a step forward “I need to know just one thing”
“S-Sure” Serj nervously licked his lips, desperately trying to wet them “Tell me” he added in a polite voice.
“Is it true that you love me?”
Straight to the point, in perfect Daron’s style.
Serj felt how his cheeks turned immediately warm and red. He nodded, there was no point in denying the truth, and if he could say that he loved him for the last time, he would do it no matter what.
“Yes”
Simply as it was.
“Good”
It wasn’t the answer Serj expected, but at this point he wasn’t really going to complain because it was way more than he could dream of, after all.
He had reached his goal, fulfilling his desire: telling Daron that yes, he still loved him.
It was more than enough.
The room was oddly quiet, the only sounds he could hear were his own breathing and Daron’s, who was still there, standing not too far from him, doing nothing.
“I still love you” a brief pause “I never stopped, and trust me, I tried to hate you” Daron’s voice wasn’t as calm as before “I tried my best, convincing myself that you are the worst thing that has ever happened to me” another brief pause “I failed. I failed every single time” a little snort, but it wasn’t an amused one “I’ve been loving you since the first time we met, and nothing has changed, despite my pathetic attempts”
Serj felt his head becoming dizzy.
It was suddenly too much, and the sense of guilt was gnawing him from the inside, making him feel even more miserable.
“I’m sorry” he repeated “You didn’t deserve it”
“I know” Daron agreed, his expression was stoic “But… You didn’t deserve it either”
“I’m sorry” Serj couldn’t help himself, he had to apologise again “I didn’t mean to… I was stupidly scared and I thought” he sighed “I thought that breaking up with you was the wisest way to handle everything, at least nobody could harm one of us and we could live our lives in a decent way”
Serj closed his eyes, deeply ashamed of himself “I didn’t consider that after that, I would spend my days regretting my past choice”
“Really?” Daron’s question sounded genuinely surprised, and it wasn’t said in a mocking tone.
“Yes” Serj opened his eyes again, so he could look at Daron once again “I’ve spent every single day thinking of you, blaming myself because I’ve lost the biggest treasure I ever had in my life”
“You didn’t”
Serj lifted an eyebrow in a silent question, not fully aware of what the guitarist meant. He opened his mouth to reply, but it was at that moment that Daron removed his hat and then closed the distance between them and kissed him.
The world stopped existing.
It took him a couple of instants, then Serj hesitantly reciprocated the kiss. Daron’s lips were soft as he remembered, and tasting them after all those years felt incredible.
Inebriating.
Intoxicating.
The kiss ended as quickly as it started, yet none of them broke the physical contact. Daron tentatively placed a hand on Serj’s hip, and the older man mirrored the same gesture, placing his big hand on Daron’s side.
“I don’t want to wait another decade” Daron was saying “If you’re ready to stop being the king of fuckers, well, we can make it work in one way or in another”
Serj widened his eyes in surprise, and instantly leaned towards to kiss Daron’s forehead. He didn’t need to think twice, he was tired of being miserable and he was more than ready to make amends.
“Yes” Serj whispered “Yes” he repeated and closed his eyes as he felt Daron’s arms squeezing him in a strong hug “Good, you’re my asshole” he half-joked, but Serj could hear the fond tenderness in those words and he nodded against Daron’s neck.
How much he had missed that feeling.
He was back at home.
~~~
Another day, another city, another gig.
Same setlist, same emotions.
The end of Roulette, once again.
“Serj, I love you very much”
Serj smiled, his hand was still around the microphone: right exactly where it was supposed to be.
“I love you, Daron” he replied with a genuine grin and widened his arms to welcome the guitarist and hug him.
Smooth, gentle, loving.
Serj hadn’t missed the little smile that had curled Daron’s lips for a brief second. He lived for that soft expression, it made him feel fuzzy and warm inside. He couldn’t explain how much he loved the other man.
And that tiny, grateful smile meant the world to him.
It had happened because of him. Because he had stopped being stupid, finally.
He couldn’t ask for anything better.
Everything was alright.
They were back together, on the same page, forever.