Chapter Text
September 2020
There he stands, looking in the mirror, already unsure over his appearance. He knows that any outsider would think that he looks like any regular g̷̶̷i̷̶̷r̷̶̷l̷̶̷. He doesn’t want to think that that is the problem.
His hair is long and black like the night sky with his eyes which match the hair perfectly. On top of the midnight eyes were a pair of big round glasses that always fall off his nose .He's wearing a dress that his dad chose for him. “Chose” is a kind word. More; “picked the first option and called it the day”. The dress is pretty, yes. With the purple shirt with stars on.
But it’s something with it that doesn’t feel… right.
The fabric feels harsh against his skin.
And, sometimes it feels like the dress wants to choke him with the tight cloth.
This little boy is only 6 years old and has already been in more places than he can count. Met more people than any other person at that age. But he still doesn’t feel home anywhere. He still doesn't have anyone to talk to. He has his father and grandfather, but they are just into books and read all the time. They are probably somewhere in the second hand shop to find banned books.
He doesn’t like books that much, so he just ends up looking at himself in a mirror.
“ ̷̶̷E̷̶̷d̷̶̷i̷̶̷t̷̶̷h̷̶̷ ? Come on, we gotta go soon!”
He hears his dad call after him. But he still looks at himself. In the mirror.
His dad suddenly appears in a corner and grabs his arm. Hard.
“There you are! Can’t you listen to your father?”
His father's raven appears over him.
Persimmon is a large raven and has lived with father since Elliot got 10 years old.
The only thing the little boy wants most in the world is a raven, just as his father and grandfather.
“Sorry, I didn’t hear you!” He lies.
“Of course you didn't.” Mutters Elliot.
Elliot drags the little boy from his mirror image and from the second hand shop. His grandfather, Elias, is already on the bike with Thaddeus, his raven. The little boy has no idea how Thaddeus is still alive and he is somehow even bigger than Persimmon. The sidecar of the sidecar that is the boy's place is filled with books.
He is used to it at this point that Elias & Elliot cares more about their books than him.
Because he is a g̷̶̷i̷̶̷r̷̶̷l̷̶̷.
Elliot and the boy take their place, and Elias starts the motor. As usual, he doesn't look at the road and is deep in his book “How to be queer”, while Thaddeus helps him steer.
The boy looks at Persimmon and Thaddeus and says to his father, who is also deep in his book “The art of war”:
“When I turn 11, I also want a raven, just like you and grandfather. Think what fun adventures me and the raven will have at St Churnley’s!”
His father doesn’t react, but Elias laughs and answers.
“Don’t be silly, little crow, you know that the name of the school is named “St Churnley’s school for cursed boys”.
“What’s the problem with that?”
“If you know that you are a g̷̶̷i̷̶̷r̷̶̷l̷̶̷ , don’t you?”
g̷̶̷i̷̶̷r̷̶̷l̷̶̷…
April 2021
“But I don’t want to talk with them!” The boy says.
“You know it’s good for you to meet some other people more than me and your grandfather!”
Elliot has drawn his son to a scholastic bookfair in a country that he doesn’t know and with kids he has never met before. His father thinks it’s smart to meet more people at his age, get friends. He knows that he is right. He needs to find other people.
But why them..?
He looks over a group of girls at a table with a big poster where it stands “Horse books”. The girls could be his own age.
“Go to them, then! I don’t have the whole day and Elias needs to go to a library with me before it closes.”
“Can’t I just follow you to the library?”
“No-”
Elliot breaks when he hears his own father talk with a man a couple of metres from them.
“You know the scholastic bookfair? Invented it.”
“Holy shi- you go and talk to them, ok?” Elliot says a walk to his father.
The young boy looked at the group of girls. Why must he be with them? Not like there's nothing wrong with girls, not at all!
He is even one himself!
So why do it feel so wrong to be with them?
“Let’s go, then.” the boy mutters to himself.
So he wander to the trio of girls.
Two of them look a bit alike, both with long brown hair and gangly bodies. One of them has her hair in a ponytail meanwhile the other one has her hair worn down with a white hairband.
The third one is a bit smaller. Her blond hair is more than a decimeter shorter than the brownettes. But in another way, it feels like the blond is bigger. Louder personality and… louder.
The brownettes just observe him before he is even there yet, and when he finally has reached the trio, the blond one directly goes on and starts talking with him.
“Hey! I have never seen you before! My name is Astrid and this is Janae and Alexa!
Astrid points at the ponytail and the hairband girl,
“What’s your name?
The boy already regrets that he walked those five steps to the girls, that he didn’t just go anywhere else.
“My name is ̷̶̷E̷̶̷d̷̶̷i̷̶̷t̷̶̷h̷̶̷.” the boy answers.
“‘Ello, ̷̶̷E̷̶̷d̷̶̷i̷̶̷t̷̶̷h̷̶̷.” Alexa says. “Is it your first time here? We have never been here before.
He can hear that Alexa has some kind of speech impairment, but he doesn’t wanna comment anything.
“No, I have never been here before. I’m not a big fan of books, really. It’s kinda my dad and grandfather's thing.”
“Do you like horses, then? What is your favorite breed? My favorite breed is the Arabian! asked Astrid.
Horses? What are they talking about? Then he remembered where they were. On the horse section of scholastic bookfair. He knew nothing about horses!
“Ugh, I don’t really have a favorite…” he said vaguely.
And so it went on. They asked questions he had no idea about. Where were the questions about ravens? He tried to ask them if they wanted a raven and how they would take care of it, but they just looked at him as if he was an idiot. Janae said that ravens aren't tame animals and that it would be animal cruelty to have them locked in your house.
She wasn’t wrong, but she had never seen Thaddeus or Persimmon. Those ravens were something extra.
It was actually okay to be with them. Even if he knew nothing about what they were talking about, was it still nice. They were nice with him. More nice than Elliot and Elias has been…
When the day ended, the girls promised to keep in contact. He really, really didn’t think that they would ever meet again, and he was happy for it. It was a nice day, but he mostly spent it wondering when Elliot would come and pick him up.
July 2021
Oh, how wrong he had been.
The months after they met had gone so fast but so slow. The girls meet up once a week. He has friends now! He thinks… Elliot isn’t very into needing to travel to Wales every week, but it was better than always having a six year old hot on one’s heels.
Now it’s the 8th of July, and it’s the boy's 7th birthday. His birthdays have always been the same, new city, new clothes and if he was lucky a “happy birthday”. The girls of course want to celebrate his birthday… But he just doesn’t want to. The girls are a way to show to Elliot how different he is to his father. That he is just a girl that will never get a raven for his 10th birthday.
He must come up with something that will break his contacts with the girls. He isn’t good at lying, he is in fact very bad at it.
But he can at least try?
He walks to the small kitchen in the hotel room. In one corner we have Elliot. Reading “The power of plagues” with Persimmon that helpes him turn the pages. The boy can’t count how many times he has seen his father in that mode. The boy knows that can’t try lying to him… But maybe he can try lying to Elias.
Elias is in the same mode, reading. Thaddeus holds his book for him.
The boy takes a deep breath and walks toward Elias.
Thaddeus pokes easily on Elias' thigh.
“Hey, little crow. You know that in my time when it was my birthday we always had this crazy big party with all my friends, and when it was my 7th birthday and this guy took a giraffe with him! Those were crazy times, little crow.”
“You did!?” the little boy said surprisingly.
“Don’t believe everything Elias says, ̷̶̷E̷̶̷d̷̶̷i̷̶̷t̷̶̷h̷̶̷” Elliot said.
“Ey, it’s true! You should know what happened when I got 8 and I-”
“Anyway”, the boy said before he would forget why he had come to talk to his granddad in the first place. He tried to make his voice sound sickly, like he has not talked so much under a day.
“I don’t feel so good, so the girls can’t come and celebrate with me.”
“Heh, who would want to celebrate yo-”
“Just go.” Elliot interrupted his father like many times before.
… It worked.
His voice wasn’t very credible, but it worked!
They probably don’t care about you.
Sometimes that little voice came up in his head. That he could do anything and they would never really care.
Those times were the only times he took a book and read. So he could think about other peoples problems, other peoples lives. When he was in his room, he locked the door and opened a book.
“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—
Only this and nothing more.”
The little boy read his whole birthday.
Like he used to.
February 2022
Here we are, back in a new second hand shop.
The little boy is now seven years old and has been in more places than he can remember. He doesn't even know where he is now. He doesn’t think about his life, his parents. He doesn’t know what happened to Janae, Astrid and Alexa. He knows it’s his fault they don’t meet up anymore, but he doesn't care. He never cares.
He looks up from his book and looks at himself in the mirror. That reflection he has always hated. That reflection he always got a jumpscare of.
… I look like that?
He looks like he has always looked like.
Like a g̷̶̷i̷̶̷r̷̶̷l̷̶̷.
He has thought about it, and he has come to the conclusion that he thinks the way he does because he is copying his father and grandfather.
The only people that had taken care of him were two men. Of course he wants to be a boy because of that.
Who wouldn’t? The men in his family also have a gift. They get a cool raven.
Of course girls with this family would want to be boys.
Why he didn’t change when he got to be girly with the other girls he doesn't know. It’s just a bug. Probably.
No, he can’t think of this anymore.
He can’t think of this anymore.
He takes his eyes off the nightmare mirror and proceeds to read.