Work Text:
Dear Suguru,
No, no, no…that sounded too formal.
Hi Suguru,
Now that was too casual. The man at the desk sighed, grumbling in frustration as he crumpled up yet another page of paper and tossed it to the side. After taking a deep breath, he took the pen in his hand again.
Suguru,
There are so many things I want to say to you right now. Shoko told me to write a letter to get my feelings down, because I can't tell you in person, obviously. She said that maybe this would help me feel better. You know I've never really been religious--never really saw a point in that stuff--but now I'm hoping to whatever god that might be out there that she's right. I don't think I'd know what the hell to do if this doesn't work.
It's ridiculous, but I can't help but count every second you're gone. It's like the cage you described to me. The cage that 'forces sorcerers to cower' or whatever. Something along those lines. I wish I could blame this on someone else, but I'm pretty sure the cage that I'm trapped in is my own doing.
Sometimes, I find myself wondering where you are. Then, I have to remind myself that I already know the answer. I don't think it's really hit me yet. The fact that I'm never going to see you again. That day still feels like a dream. You've always been around, even when we were apart. But I can't secretly worry about you during meetings with the Higher Ups anymore. I can't rehearse what I'd say to you if I ever saw you in the streets anymore, because now I'd never get the chance to anyways.
This has to be some kind of nightmare.
Maybe it is. Maybe I'll wake up and I won't have this letter on my desk. Maybe I'll open my bedroom door and we'll be seventeen again. We'll have breakfast with Shoko and you'll laugh when I make my stupid jokes and
The man clenched his fists. The words came out all wrong again. He picked up the page and ripped it in half, tossing the scraps into the trash can next to his desk. He grabbed the pen and a blank piece of paper and he started to write again.
Suguru,
It's been so long since you left. I wish you could read this letter and know that I never wanted it to be like this. I never meant to shut you out. But of course, I never got the chance to tell you.
I'm so angry, Suguru. At you for leaving me. At myself for not noticing it all sooner. At the universe for taking you. It was too soon. We never got to grow old together like we had planned. We never got to travel the world like we promised to.
It seems like every good thing I have always gets taken away from me. I'm furious. I never asked for these powers or for my last name. I was already trapped in my duty, but I thought that I'd at least always have you.
The day you left is a day I'll never forget. I was confused and angry. At least, that's what I thought I had felt when you disappeared in the crowds of people on the street. When I look back, I realize that I was actually scared. I was terrified of you and all the power you hels over me. All of the space you took up in my head rent-free. I was terrified for you. What if you got hurt? What if the Higher Ups came after you? I was so scared.
Why did you have to leave? Why couldn't you have stayed? Would it really have been that hard?
I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to run away from it all, but I can't. I have no idea what to do
The man sighed once more. He didn't know why he couldn't just write. Again, he discarded the draft after folding it in half. Then, he took his pen in his hand again, and set down a new piece of paper in front of him.
Suguru,
I've never really known what grief felt like. I guess it's because everyone always thought of me as the untouchable Satoru Gojo. Somewhere along the line, I became the version of me everyone expected to see. Strong. Limitless. Untouchable.
But now, grief is all I feel these days.
It's really pathetic, but I'd give up everything to see you again. I know that sounds insanely cringe, but it's the truth. I swear I can already hear you laughing at me.
But I would. I would never put up my Infinity again if it meant that you'd come back and hold me. I would give up my Six Eyes just to see your face again. I know--the great Satoru Gojo, willing to give everything up like an absolute fool for a guy.
It sounds insane, but it's not a lie. I'd trade my own life to get you yours back. If I could, I would do it in a heartbeat. I'd walk to the nearest skyscraper and
No. The man couldn't bring himself to write that. Looking over the page again, he gingerly set it down on his desk, sliding it under heaps of random clutter. Then, he took a new sheet of paper in his hands and started writing again.
Suguru,
I don't even know where to start. But I guess at this point, it doesn't matter anyways. You'll never get to read this, so I guess anything goes.
I can't look at the color purple now. Every time I do, all I see is your eyes. I remember how they glowed when you laughed. I remember how dead they looked that day. Now, purple makes me sick.
My students remind me of the three of us so much. Every time I see Kugisaki, Itadori, and Megumi, all I think about is you, me, and Shoko. They look so happy. I wish we could've stayed like that. It's so selfish of me because I know you were hurting, but if I got a second chance, I'd make sure everything would be alright.
I'm supposed to hate you. I'm trying so hard to hate you, but I just can't. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I could never hate you. I could never hate your smile. I could never hate your voice. I could never hate you, no matter how hard I try to. If I hate anyone, it's probably myself.
Why did you have to leave? Why did it have to be you? Why not anyone else?
Why not me?
I've been thinking about what you said that day. I think I finally understand what you meant. I think people only see me because of my power. They don't see my power because they see me. But you didn't. You never boiled me down to a weapon. You treated me like all of me mattered in some way, not just the part of me that could kill or my family name.
You were the only person I could be with. The only one who truly understood me. The only one I've ever loved.
I try to smile and push through, but its so hard when you're not here. I can feel myself slipping away, Suguru. Every day I wake up, the more I realize that you made me truly happy. I don't know if I can ever be happy again. I wish you would
The frantic scribbling started to slow down. The motion of the man's pen stopped completely. He looked down and started to re-read his draft. Once. Twice. Then, like a lightbulb sparking alive, the man's sapphire eyes widened slightly. He crumpled up the piece of paper and grabbed another sheet. After a deep breath, he started to write again.
Suguru,
I've probably rewritten this letter around hundred times by now. Each time, all the words came out all wrong when I wrote them down. But now, I think I finally know what I want to tell you.
First, I want to say that I'm so, so sorry, Suguru. I was so wrapped up in my own head that I didn't notice that you were suffering. If I hadn't been such an idiot, I swear I would've been there for you. I'm sorry for making you think that you couldn't come to me for help. I'm sorry for not checking up on you more often. I'm sorry for not thinking twice whenever you would spend days locked in your room alone.
You didn't deserve to feel so alone. Of course, no one does, but you especially. You were so kind and brave, not to mention absolutely hilarious. You always tried to help everyone you could, even when life gave you shit. You were noble, you were gentle, you were just amazing. Always were the better half of the two of us.
If I had never met you, I wouldn't be who I was today. I can't even imagine my life without you. You changed me. You made me so much better than I ever could have been alone. I know I'm the Honored One, the Strongest, but I think you were always stronger than me.
My only regret is that I wish I could have told you how I felt before you left. But I think you already knew. I think you felt the same, which makes this so much more unfair than it already was. At least I'll see you again when it's my time. Then we can have the life we've always wanted, even if it's in the next one.
I miss you so much. But there's nothing I can do about it, as much as I wish there was a way to bring you back.
Do me a favor and rest easy, alright? Say hi to Riko for me. Tell her I'm sorry.
Goodbye, Suguru.
Love, Satoru
The man looked down at the page. After a moment, he put the pen down and folded the piece of paper, sliding it between two books on his shelf.
And then, after one last, longing look, he opened his door, shut it behind him, and left.