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It wasn't…distasteful to have to associate with criminals. After all, he was still the Dread Pirate Roberts, although he was thinking that Inigo might end up changing it to the Dread Pirate Roberto, since he was the most visible of the office-holders at this point.
It was that he had always hoped he could be a farm boy, and everything that had happened since he had first told her "As you wish" seemed determined to prevent him from ever returning to such a simple life.
Still, when Queen Buttercup had ascended, she'd proven herself entirely capable of dealing with all the problems of Florin that could be brought forth to her court, where she and her Prince Consort examined and found solutions to the disputes plaguing the citizenry, and ensured that the system of justice underneath them worked for just purposes, instead of as convenient methods for patronage and influence.
That end, then, was why Westley was here, meeting with a gang of remarkably high-minded criminals who seemed best at dispensing justice in their own way. They'd exposed the criminal dealings of the last three appointed governors sufficiently well that Buttercup had become very put out with Lord Gerard and warned him that his own fate would be tied to the governor he appointed next. And she'd sent Westley to oversee the process, to ascertain whether Lord Gerard was a man of bad judgment, or whether there had been other arrangements in place to choose governors who were easily corruptible.
He'd recognized them on sight when he arrived, as he'd had dealings with them during his own office-holding period as the Dread Pirate Roberts. There had been more of them at that time, but as he'd discovered himself, the life of crime is only glamorous, adventurous, and profitable for so long, and at some point, everyone wants to retire and hand the entire enterprise off to someone else.
"Hm,' the man who nearly matched Fezzik in strength, without his size, said as he entered. "Didn't think we'd see you around here any time soon."
"What's the Dread Pirate Roberts want with us?" The Moorish man said.
"I am in a different capacity than before," Westley said. "Here, I am the Prince Consort, come to seek the assistance of those who have run out the last several governors, to see if perhaps there is one that is to their liking."
The woman's eyes lit up. "Perfect. I've always wanted to influence an election."
Even though he had been in situations like this before, he felt the twinges of nerves climbing on him. It was a risk, coming here in his official capacity. This group seemed resourceful enough that if they wanted to topple the entire kingdom of Florin, they could, and the only reason they hadn't was because they at least tacitly approved of Buttercup.
"Must be desperate, sending a valuable hostage to us," the strong one said.
"Queen Buttercup is willing to offer compensation for your services," Westley said. "She is impressed with your work and would love to have you as official Inquisitors into corruption in the kingdom. No questions asked, no crimes too heinous to pardon."
"Go straight, like you?" the strong man said. "No."
"Pass," said the Moor.
"Having too much fun to quit now," said the woman.
"I thought as much," Westley said. "Will you still help us find a suitable governor?"
"You'll need a new lord for that, and they don't replace as easily," the strong man said.
"What you really need, Spencer, is a better form of government," said the Moor. "Hereditary nobility is fine and dandy if you're one of the nobles, but if you're not, knowing that you'll never have an opportunity to rise beyond your station is—"
"You get rid of the lords, Hardison, and then the bishops take over, and everything is worse, or the merchants do, and then we're truly living in hell." Spencer retorted.
"Mark my words, one of these days, the people are going to get to choose their leaders, instead of having them imposed on them," Hardison said.
Westley had considered more egalitarian forms of governance among the crew of the Revenge, but the difficulty was that the terrifying image of the Dread Pirate Roberts rested somewhat on the belief that there was nobody to appeal to, or to try and get on your side against him and his crew. Perhaps with widespread adoption of this popular form of government, Buttercup could finally retire back to her farm, with her farm boy, and leave the dreary business of ruling behind entirely.
At a look from the woman, both Spencer and Hardison stopped what was presumably a long-running argument between them.
"Spencer is correct," she said. "If you want an honest governor here, you'll need a new lord."
Before Westley could get to earnest negotiations about what services were requested, and what compensation would be available, the clatter of hooves outside heralded unwelcome guests to their clandestinely-arranged meeting. Spencer shifted to the lead position as a squadron of armed soldiers entered the warehouse doors, surrounding the exits quickly. The other two glanced at Spencer, who shook his head slightly. Too many. Westley concurred. Even as the finest swordsman in Florin, and with the assistance of someone who could win a tavern brawl if it were him against the rest of the tavern, there were too many soldiers to believe one of them wouldn't get lucky.
Lord Gerard strode in after the soldiers, a smile on his face. "Well," he said, surveying the assembled group, "I'm sure Queen Buttercup will be thrilled to know that her Prince Consort has been consorting with thieves and murderers." He motioned to his soldiers, who took care of the business of binding and transporting all of them to his dungeons with efficiency.
One the guards had left, and there was only the regular sentries keeping watch over them, Westley swiftly worked his hands free of the bindings.
"Huh. You, too," the woman said, showing her own free hands from her cell across from his.
"Parker, don't talk to him," Hardison said, from the cell next hers. "He orchestrated all of this."
"No, he didn't," Parker said. "If he had, he wouldn't be here with us."
"A golden opportunity, then?" Westley said, following the line of her reasoning. "Discredit me, and by extension, Buttercup, and try to seize the throne for himself?"
"Those governors of his have been levying and collecting large amounts of taxes, and every time they do, there's more soldiers that start poking around, looking for reasons to extract more in payments," Hardison said.
"Enough men to try taking the castle and holding everyone inside hostage," Spencer said from the cell next to his. "Especially if he knows he has the Ex-Dread Pirate locked up in his cells, so he can't come to a daring rescue."
"Well, then, we'll have to spoil his plans, won't we?" Westley said. "And if you have evidence of this planned treason, so much the better," he added, as he pulled some tools from the inside of one of his boots and began to work the lock on his cell. Parker gave him an approving smile, then twisted her own tools with satisfaction, catching the door before it swung open.
"His accounting books won't lie," Hardison said. "The ciphers on them aren't difficult to defeat, and Lord Gerard, and all of his governors, have been meticulous about documenting every coin they have."
Westley nodded, and caught his own door before it could open wide, depositing his tools back in his boot. Piracy was, after all, not just about looting and pillaging. Sometimes you had to defeat the locks on the loot itself before you could claim what was inside. Inigo had hands for swordsmanship and not much else, so Westley had prudently hired him a reputable picklock for his crew so that when the time came for spoils, there would be someone to order to open the prizes.
A practiced team, such as the one he was in unlikely league with, also had their own plans, some of which did not need any signal to enact, but flowed of their own accord, from much practice in similar situations. Hardison began to put up a wail, such that one might think he was dying of a particularly violent bout of sickness, or some magician's curse, one or the other. The performance would attract the attention of whatever guards had been left to prevent their escape, and once they were concerned with Hardison, it would be a trivial matter to disarm them and trade places.
After a few minutes without the appearance of any guards, Parker swung her cell door open and swiftly liberated the rest of her team.
"No guards," Spencer said.
"I can't imagine a man like Lord Gerard would simply expect us to stay in a prison cell," Westley said. "We should find those ledgers, though."
Parker was thinking as they cautiously made their way to the exchequer's office. Westley had a suspicion she was worrying the same problem he was. The lack of guards for their prison was clearly deliberate, as was the lack of guards elsewhere in the castle. Their imprisonment, then, was nothing more than delay, some way of keeping them from spoiling Lord Gerard's plans already in motion. There were very few situations where a lord would leave his entire estate unguarded against known hostile entities, unless he was certain that his plan would succeed, no matter what.
The Dread Pirate Roberts had dealt with many men who believed themselves both secure and invulnerable, and their treasure had been divided among the crew of the Revenge just as easily as any other man's.
"Ah, here they are," Hardison said, popping open a false compartment in the exchequer's desk. He opened them and checked a few of the pages, nodding. "Yes, this is all the evidence you'll need to prove Lord Gerard is unacceptably corrupt." He offered the books to Westley.
"Our partnership doesn't have to end here, I think," Westley said. "Forgive me for assuming, but you don't seem like the kind of people who leave a job half-finished and assume that someone else will carry it out."
"The Dread Pirate Roberts can't handle it alone?" Spencer said, challenging him.
"The Dread Pirate Roberts does not go into hostile territory without a crew," Westley said. "And does not engage on anything less than his own terms."
Parker smiled. "Told you he was smarter than he looked."
"Okay, Parker, what's the plan?" Spencer said.
"Sneak into the castle, figure out where Buttercup is being held hostage, free her, take down Gerard." she said.
As plans went, it was simple, but sound. Hardison seemed ready to object that the plan lacked sufficient detail, but thought better of it.
"All right, Prince Consort, which secret way in are we going to take?" Spencer said.
"The one with the fewest guards," Westley replied.
"Guards won't be a problem," Spencer said.
"Yes, but it's the principle of the thing," Westley said. "While we are on a mission of justice and rescue, it's still a bad idea to make the royal guards look like incompetents while you're at it. I'd feel very put out if the guards I selected turned out to be useless. I'd never hear the end of it from Buttercup."
That at least brought a smile to their faces, and shortly they were all riding for the capital of Florin, and Queen Buttercup's castle. Westley led them well away from the castle, to the outpost he used when he needed to get guests in and out of the castle without having their presence announced.
"I counted six," Hardison said, as soon as they were in the tunnel headed to the castle.
"Ten," Spencer said.
"Twelve," Parker said. "But they're all very well-trained. If you didn't know what to look for, they'd pass as ordinary people."
"Very observant," Westley said. "It makes sense, given your role in these enterprises. Do you have any suggestions for improvement, from one security professional to another?"
"Children," Parker said.
"Ah," Westley nodded. "A mix of ages, for verisimilitude?"
Parker nodded.
"I should like to have you consult on some of my other arrangements, if you're willing. Plenty of coin available for your services."
"Still not going straight," Spencer said.
Westley laughed. "It is a bit surprising that even with the temptation of getting the royal treasury to support you, you're still not interested. Most people in our line of work would at least take the money and run."
"And get raided by Roberts afterward?" Spencer said. "No deal."
Westley inclined his head as acknowledgement. He wouldn't directly tell Inigo to go after someone who stole from the treasury, but he certainly would not be above dropping a word in his ear that there was a fantastic amount of treasure available if he decided to pursue that pathway. Especially if he also mentioned a man in the crew who could make Inigo use his proper hand to swordfight with.
Westley stifled a sigh. Life would be simpler if both he and Buttercup could retire and be a farm boy and lady of the house, but there were still too many men out there who would see a beautiful girl and decide to try and take her, regardless of whether she was already married or what her husband had to say about it. Spurned nobles tended to bring bloodshed with them, and Westley had already had several lifetimes of blood spilled around him.
His ruminations were interrupted by Spencer holding up a hand to stop them, as they came to the door that would open into the castle's dungeons. He turned his head to listen, and then shook it.
"Woman in there, but she's trying to hard too sound like a distressed prisoner. Guards nearby. Smells like an ambush. Who knows about these tunnels?" he said quietly.
"That they exist? Many. Where the entrances are? Very few," Westley said. "That would explain Gerard's confidence."
"He seems to think he knows what we're going to do," Spencer said. "Come in through the secret way, think that the woman is Buttercup, come rushing into an ambush. Pretty good plan."
"Oh," Hardison said, nodding. "That's what the ledgers are talking about. He's got an informant. One of your closest people got bribed, Prince Consort."
Westley sighed. "Such is the difficulties of running a large government," he grumbled. "I don't suppose all of you would consider ministerial positions when all of this is done?"
"We do better work outside the system," Hardison said. "And Parker would rob the treasury completely within a week."
"Wouldn't you rather rob Guilder? They've been hoarding wealth for much longer than Florin has."
"Who says we aren't?" Hardison said, smiling.
"All right, what's the plan, Parker?" Spencer said.
"Roberts has one," she replied.
"I'll go through, seemingly alone, join Buttercup wherever she's being held, and then you can come for both of us in whatever way you are accustomed to." Westley said.
All three of the others considered this plan, and agreed to it by melting away into the shadows. Westley strode up to the door and threw it open, rushing headlong into the room, where six of Gerard's guards surrounded him, and a seventh held one of the spinning-women Buttercup liked to get useful gossip from.
"I'm sorry, Prince Consort," she said.
"It's quite all right," Westley told her. "No one will hold this against you."
"If you'll accompany us, Prince Consort," the seventh guard said, all politeness and decorum, trusting that the six other guards would stop Westley from making things difficult for them. Seven men would be enough for a Prince Consort. If he chose to be the Dread Pirate instead, they'd have needed at least five more to hold their ground. Because he wanted to find Buttercup, he let them guide him to her. She was locked in one of the guest apartments, and seeing only him enter, she deflated slightly.
He smiled at her, communicating success without saying anything that might alert the guards. She took his meaning, and smiled much more brightly in return. Within a few minutes, the guards assigned to keeping watch over them disappeared through the door in haste.
Before he could suggest the need for a jailbreak, Buttercup was on her feet and striding for the door the guards had just left through.
"This would be easier if I had a weapon," she said.
Westley was reasonably sure Spencer hadn't heard her, since the majority of the sounds of battle were still at least a corridor away, but two of Gerard's guards toppled into their path, losing control of their swords as well as consciousness.
"Not my preference," she said, hosting one of the dropped weapons, 'but it will do. Farm boy," she said, using his most endearing nickname, "defend your queen."
"With pleasure, your Majesty," Westley said, picking up the other sword.
It was neither riot nor rout, but Westley could tell Gerard was losing both ground and capacity to maintain what he had taken. Buttercup lingered a little bit to watch Spencer disarm and stun one of Gerard's men, then use him to disarray two others trying to present a united front.
"I didn't take you for the kind of woman who enjoys men fighting over her," Westley said.
"I have had the privilege of having the best men in the world fighting over me," Buttercup said sweetly, before she and Westley were engaged by two of Lord Gerard's guards still trying to maintain control over the situation. They did not impede the Queen and the Prince Consort for long, allowing the Queen, her farm boy, the codebreaker, the planner, and the warrior to enter the throne room together.
"Hello, Gerard," Buttercup said, brandishing her sword at the soon-to-be-ex Lord. "What should I do with you, then?"
"I don't think you'll do anything," he told her, not moving from the throne he clearly intended to occupy.
"You've been stealing from the treasury and bribing officials to look the other way." Hardison said, producing the evidence ledger they'd found.
"Because that book says so? And who's going to believe a thief's word over a Lord's? That's all clearly false evidence because the Queen is desperately trying to hold on to power. Consorting with criminals like the common girl she is. Without Humperdink, you don't have a claim, and without Rugen, you couldn't manufacture one." Gerard turned to Buttercup and sat down on her royal throne. "Run along, commoner, and leave the ruling to those of us who know how it's done."
Buttercup, for her part, lowered her sword, but didn't move. "What say you, my lords and ladies?" she said raising her voice to the galleries surrounding the throne room.
"The testimony of the exchequer already condemned him," the Minister of Justice replied, standing so as to be visible, "but it is nice to hear confessions from the person themselves." He thumped his staff of office on the floor of the gallery. "Gerard of Lira, you are judged by your peers to be guilty of crimes against the Crown, including thievery and treason. You are cast out from the company of nobles and permitted only to hold only that which you can obtain through the work of your own hands."
"I don't believe you," Gerard said. "Such a judgment can only be made in the presence of the nobles, and I don't see anyone here but us."
In response the assembled nobles of Florin, lords and ladies alike, stood from their hiding places to fill the gallery.
"That's not possible," Gerard said, frozen on the throne, clearly in a panic as the last tatters of his plan fluttered off the loom. "This is a trick."
"I'd explain it to you," Buttercup said, sugaring her voice until its sweetness turned sour, "but alas, I am only a woman, and common-born at that, so obviously, I cannot have the mental faculties to understand such deviousness. You will have to explain it," she told the Prince Consort.
"Your Majesty," Westley said, "I am also common-born, and Lord Gerard accused me of planning criminal enterprises, so I must insist that you explain the plan."
"Show-offs," Spencer said.
"Performers," Hardison said firmly.
"Hush," Parker said. "This is the good part."
"As the Lord Magistrate mentioned, Gerard," Buttercup said, "you are not as clever and subtle as you think. We have known for quite some time of your schemes to steal from the treasury. We just didn't know what it was for until you took the bait, imprisoned the Prince Consort, and tried to march on me and get me to surrender, first with a claim of having the Prince Consort, then a claim that you would have him again shortly. I'm surprised you thought you could take the throne with so few people, but I assume you thought you had enough allies in the nobility that they would provide you with the rest of the legitimacy you needed."
"My compliments, by the way," Westley said. "You only took twelve attempts before you came with enough soldiers that we couldn't escape or fight them off and you could set your plan in motion."
"Twelve?" Buttercup said, aghast.
"Twelve," Parker confirmed.
"That's disappointing," Buttercup said. "Is that it, then, Gerard? Stealing from my treasury, and then deciding you're more interested in taking my throne as well? Because you couldn't stand being ruled by a woman?"
Gerard shrugged, but didn't move. "If you think you deserve this throne," he said, "then come and take it from me."
"No, I don't believe I will," Buttercup said, smiling. "I never liked that throne. Reminded me too much of Humperdink." She waved her hand. "You may have it, for as long as you choose to sit upon it."
"This throne has been the seat of power in Florin ever since the first kings!" Gerard shouted at the retreating forms of the five as they left, the lords and ladies in the gallery following their ruler out and leaving the would-be usurper sitting on a symbol with no power behind it, in the deepening dark, and an attentive squadron of guards ready for what would happen when Gerard inevitably had to give up the place where he sat.