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Despite what he’s been saying all summer long, Shawn is a bit worried that Cory is not as okay as he seems about the broken engagement.
He thinks that maybe he’s numb to Topanga making choices about their relationship without discussing it first with Cory. When she makes up her mind – it’s too soon to love me, we’re in an old married rut as teenagers, go out with Lauren – and now this there was nothing that Cory could do to persuade her. Her parents are getting divorced, and she freaks out assuming that she doesn’t know what love is anymore is in kind of insane to him, especially considering that she’s also seen Cory’s parents happily in love all of their lives. Personally, Shawn’s lost count how many times she’s broken Cory’s heart and while he wanted him to be happy, he really doesn’t think that it’s going to be with Topanga.
The same way that he knows that Angela isn’t really it for him. He just wanted what Cory had and didn’t realize that he was never going to get it – not when what he really wanted was Cory and not just what Cory has.
He’s made peace with that, which is why it was okay that he could spend the summer with Cory, living the highlife, traveling the country, using his photography and Cory’s videography interests to pay their way.
It’s sort-of by accident that they end up in Vermont (and far away from Pennbrook) when fall comes. Both of them knew college wasn’t really for them, not when it’s clear that they could make a living without a college degree. Cory hadn’t exactly told anyone back home that, but when Eric didn’t see them on campus, they know it’ll be obvious.
Instead, Shawn notes with a warmth in his stomach that Cory had remembered his promise about going to Vermont to watch the leaves change. The forest he finds is utterly beautiful.
The beauty of seeing the leaves change with his best friend beside him, the slight breeze in the air, the way he’s felt so at peace since he and Cory decided to skip out on college to travel and follow their passions is so good. This is so much better than schoolwork.
He could do this forever, he thinks, as he sits on the bench on the overlook they’ve hiked to. Cory sits beside him and leans his head on Shawn’s shoulder.
It’s comfortable. It’s close.
They’ve always been close.
Shawn had, admittedly, been worried about how Cory getting married would affect them, but now… now, he’s not engaged anymore, and he seems surprisingly okay with that. He wants to ask if he’s just pretending.
He wants to ask if he’s alright.
But he doesn’t want to an old wound (or a fresh one) if he’s not ready for it.
But he does want to know.
***
As Cory sits with his head on Shawn’s shoulder, taking in the beauty around them, and reflecting on everything that has happened with him and Shawn and Topanga and how he’s … pretty sure that maybe he just didn’t want to challenge himself.
It was easy being with Topanga. Everyone expected it. Everyone wanted it.
Everyone supported it.
But if he’s honest with himself, he knows that he’s been far more at peace and happy and content with Shawn this summer.
He could be himself with Shawn. Honest about things that he just couldn’t be with Topanga.
They were both his best friends, but there was something special about Shawn. There was always something special about the bond that they have together.
Aside from the guilt over the Lauren thing (which he didn’t even know about the damn letter. He didn’t know she would stupidly come fine him in Philly), every time they’ve broken up, he’s always been… happier when it’s gone back to him and Shawn.
And this is no different.
Except when he catches Shawn looking at him, sometimes, he feels the way he used to feel about Topanga. He feels butterflies. He feels sparks when they touch. He feels the urge to kiss him. He’s wondered what it would be like to kiss him.
And maybe that’s why he’s okay that Topanga ended things. Maybe that’s why he suggested this, frankly, romantic trip to Vermont together when summer ended and fall started.
“Shawnie?” he asks as the sun begins to set.
“Yeah, Cor?”
“If I tell you a secret that could probably change everything we’ve ever known, will you promise not to let it change us if you don’t… uh, like it, I guess?”
He can feel Shawn looking at him with a confused look, so he lifts his head and turns to him.
“Please, just promise,” he asks, eyes searching Shawn’s for confirmation.
He looks a little concerned, but he nods, “You can always tell me anything, Cor, you know that.”
Cory nods, even though he’s nervous. “Yeah, I do.”
“So, tell me,” Shawn prompts when he doesn’t immediately continue.
Cory coughs and looks over at the sun setting, the beauty of it bathing both of them in warm colors. “I am … relieved that Topanga ended things –”
“Relieved?”
“Yeah, I, uh, I –” he takes a deep breath and grabs Shawn’s hand for support. Despite the slight awkwardness, Shawn doesn’t pull away, just looks at him with concern. “I – I realized sometime in the last year, maybe even as soon as we started at Pennbrook that I made a mistake saying yes. I loved Topanga, but I – I realized that it wasn’t as she deserved –”
“You were a great boyfriend and fiancé to her, Cory,” Shawn interjects, defending him even from himself. “You had your moments, but who doesn’t? Are you suggesting that she deserves better than you because –”
“No, no, well, maybe, a little,” he answers, feeling slight pleasure at Shawn’s quick defense of him. He shakes his head. “No, it’s not that I was a bad boyfriend or fiancé, exactly. It’s more that – we were comfortable together.”
“Isn’t that kinda what marriage life is?” Shawn teases. “That’s where you were going, no?”
“A little,” Cory states, looking at him. “But do you remember how we broke up because we had gotten too boring, too comfortable at fourteen? Remember how we just kinda stopped having fun or doing new experiences? Or at least, I did?”
Shawn hums. “You got some new experiences in college, no?”
“That’s just it, Shawnie. I didn’t. I have been the same Cory Matthews for years and nothing has change and usually, I don’t like change, I like to be comfortable, but now, Topanga has pushed me out. Broke it off because of her parents, and you know what? Maybe it was a good thing because I never would’ve done it even though deep down … ever since I saw you having fun in college and I felt like I couldn’t have fun, I realize that there was a lot I was missing out on.”
He looks away again. “But it wasn’t just everything I missed out on – dating around or doing stupid things that I wouldn’t do with a girlfriend – it’s also realizing that I lost Cory somewhere along the way and became one-half of Cory-and-Topanga. And being out here with you, traveling, finding something that I am passionate about again, I realized that there was something else I was missing. A key to why I was willing to be comfortable and not push myself outside of my comfort zone.”
He stops speaking and can see Shawn looking confused out of the corner of his eye.
“Cor, is there … something you’re trying to tell me because this – none of this would be something that could change our friendship.”
Cory glances at him, at their linked hands and back into his eyes. “I – I am pretty sure that I like guys, well, not just any guys, just one guy – you.”
Shawn is frozen in place and for a few horrible seconds, Cory worries that he’s going to be left here in this forest in Vermont because Shawn can’t stand the thought of Cory being into him, but then, that worry flies away because Shawn’s lips are on his.
He’d thought about this a lot. Probably too much over the last few weeks of realizing his feelings. He hadn’t expected that his lips would be so cold (it’s fall not winter after all), nor that he would taste like flavored chapstick – strawberries, which Cory loves, but it’s somehow perfect.
He threads his free hand through Shawn’s hair, feeling his slight beard as brings it along his jaw to help guide the kiss. He feels the spark that he’s been feeling whenever they touch, the urge not to break the kiss and this bubble of perfectness.
And yet, he feels a hand on his chest, causing the kiss to break. He opens his eyes to see delight, but uncertainty in Shawn’s eyes.
“I – you – are you sure about this? About me? I don’t think I could survive if we tried this and then you went back to –”
“Trust me, Shawn. I want this – I want you,” Cory assures him. “I think everything finally clicked into place with us and I – I can admit to being a little nervous, but I want to be with you. I want to take you out on dates, and kiss you like every minute of every day and continue this wherever it takes us.”
Shawn smiles. “I’d like that, too.”
“Good.”