Chapter Text
12:01pm, 01/15/XXXX
I Am Your Lighter.
“Lighters are meant to
Enlight a flame to a candle; this can
Overwhelm the wax and they’ll melt into
Nothing but a mere puddle.
What did I do so wrong that you
Had to leave me alone?
You had became a
Wither of the spark that used to
Open my eyes and
Utilize you for my
Love that I
Dearly cherished.
Yet I had fucked up
Our friendship that had once thrived
Under the moonlight.
I sometimes wish I really hadn’t said anything at all last November. It would've been better. I fucked it all up. Did I get too hopeful? I think so. I thought he’ll feel the same way, but perhaps I was being way too delusional about it. I mean, would you ever be touchy like him? He kept swinging his arm around my shoulder, and sometimes I would feel his hand slide to my waist as a… protective gesture? No clue. But like, he also used to lean so close to my face as a tease, and I would get really flustered. Sometimes I thought he was going to confess and randomly kiss me. No, he only did that because of my reactions.
Of course, I have more “exaggerated” expressions as he had told me that one time. They are silly, and I see why he would constantly pester me about them. Get me all angry and annoyed. Lukas had mentioned that when I am with him, they become funky. Weird words to say. Whatever.
I wonder if he had only decided to befriend me out of pity. I mean, I am a social outcast, and I can’t really connect well with a lot of people. People see me as this cold student that nobody should talk to, and I guess it may be because of my resting bitch face. I do look really annoyed and tired, but in reality I am just disassociating half the time. I’ve always been left out. When I tried to insert myself into other friend groups a year or two ago I gave up quickly.
I really do the same things each day: wake up, eat, go to school, go home, eat again, write or something, and sleep. It’s all shit anyways.
Then for a time being, it changed. I’ve noticed that I never really mentioned his name at all, but that’s for my own sake. I don’t want to say his name, and if I do, perhaps a codename, but I don’t know about that. It’s too hard to say. Both of his names, they’re too hard to even write down. I can’t do it.
My life, for my first year in high school, and up to last October… It may have been the most memorable.
I fucked everything up.
This is why you don’t ever fall in love with your best friend.
- Emil Styrsson.
♡♡♡
I had signed off my name at the right side of my notebook, shutting the cover. My hand then reached over for my bag, snagging up my lunch for the day: Plokkfishur. It’s like… a fish stew or whatever. Lukas seemed to have organized this with precision (what a perfectionist).
The cold didn’t bother me anyways. I mean, the wind was very minor and it didn’t give me a chill. You can say I did grow up in “Iceland” where… Okay, I’m not making a joke like this. You get the point. I’m used to this weather. However, the lack of greenery and sprinkled snow reminded me of—No, it’s wrong to mention a memory with him.
Settling my notebook aside from my lap, I replaced it with my container. Then, I grabbed out my spoon and—
“Em! What’s up!” Leon exclaimed, his arm slithering around my shoulder.
When I turned my head to look at him, my eyes shimmered. That large grin that always seemed to have melted my cold exterior…
I miss it.
“Shouldn’t you be hanging out with… y’know…”
Leon tilted his head. “You’re my best friend! I had literally taken a lap around the entire school to find you here!”
“Yes… but…” I tucked my hair behind my ear, avoiding his gaze. “There are better people you prefer.”
“You and your little self-deciprication.” He poked my cheek, giggling. “You don’t realize how much you mean to me. Y’know? There’s no one better.”
“I…” I fiddled around with my fingers, before lifting my head up again.
“You’re just gonna keep persisting with this?”
“If you keep saying stuff like that, yeah!” Leon squeezed his grip, so now we were closer…
I had leaned into his touch, but Leon seemed to have phased out.
“Oh… right.” I pushed away, snapping myself away from my delusion. Looking at the empty spot on this bench again, I already knew.
There was no one there.
No, there is someone.
“Why’d you lean away? Didn’t you already say that you like it when my affection is touchy like this or whatever poem you wrote?” Leon raised a brow.
“I-I do, yeah, but, y’know… like what if we’ll be seen as a couple?”
“Who cares? I think friends should be at least just as intimate as a couple. YOLO it.”
“Hah, you and your stupid motives.” I rolled my eyes.
Leon’s head peeked to take a glance at my food. His eyes sparkled at the Plokkfishur that I hadn’t touched yet.
“You’re not gonna eat that or…?” He pointed right towards my container.
“Oh, uhm…” I immediately took a scoop out and started chewing.
“I was going to ask if you’d feed me! I forgot my own lunch today Em!!!”
“Too bad…” I continued to eat my lunch peacefully, despite his pleas.
“Can’t you just give me one bite?!”
“You’ll probably get a weird tingle if you do.”
Lies. I can’t even feed him in the first place.
“So what?! Just one, okay? I won’t eat the whole container with it!” Leon clasped his hands together, his brown eyes enlarging with crocodile tears. Don’t do that, I’d break.
I would’ve actually given him just one, airplaning right into his mouth, but I really can’t do that. It’s not right.
So I just shook my head instead.
His arms dropped to his side. “Aw man…”
Leon doesn’t give up that easily usually, but I guess today isn’t his day?
“But next time… okay?”
“Sure!” The once defeated posture had straightened up to a ball of sunshine. This in particular made me giggle. Charming.
The rest of our lunch consisted of us talking together about random shit. Mostly about old memories and the same old topics that we talk about. Such topics are super weird. Today we talked about that one experiment that we attempted in Leon’s backyard, and it didn’t go so well. He got yelled at like crazy when his old man Yao came out to scold him about the mess. After that we snuck off to some random skate park that Leon found on one of his “expeditions”. Good times. I really miss rebelling from my own brother and hanging out with Leon. Then from there, it diverged into more and more memories together. So many to pick and choose; these memories seemed so vivid like they were just yesterday.
Once the bell rang, I had snapped myself away from reality. That Leon that I looked like I was talking to? Well… he is real. Just different. A Leon that would’ve existed if I didn’t fuck it up.
I packed up my items, slipping the straps onto my shoulders and sped-walk back into the building. The trees had a lack of leaves, matching the soulless colour palette of the school building to my right. A cold winter breeze flushed through my platinum strands, occasionally covering my view, but I just pushed it aside and moved on with my day. My scarf had done the same thing, yet instead I kept it as tucked as I could. Minor pieces of snow crumpled below my feet the more I walked towards a nearby door. It didn’t leave my shoes entirely dirty, but a tiny snow trail seemed to have lingered.
When I got inside, I wiped the soles, before moving forward. If I remember correctly, my next class is Math with that Mr. Mišic guy or whatever. Strict, but acts more childish than half of the kids in my grade. I don’t like him, but his teaching is fine. I don’t care about the teachers in this school, I have no interest in making any type of bond with them. Only the gossip about them, I guess. I heard there’s sexual tension between him and Mr. Krleža? Whatever.
Anywho, I swung the classroom door right open, one arm clutching my backpack strap. My goal was this: sit in assigned seating, get the work done, do things if I was done early, and leave. Maybe I’ll ask him about Krleža if I’m really that bored, but that’s something way too rare for me to do. Again, I don’t want to talk to teachers unless it’s for assignment purposes.
My seat was in the second back row, right near the middle. This spot wasn’t bad, as long as no one bothered me.
As I swung the straps off onto the back of my chair, my eyes landed on someone. One with a messy brunette wolfcut, with thin eyes and thick brows. He wore the same uniform every male student had to wear: white collared shirt with a beige sweater vest. It’s optional to wear the blue jacket for winter, and he had seemed to wear it this time. His bag hung off one shoulder still. Can’t believe he still does that even after all this time.
Leon. The actual Leon. Not the one from earlier. I mean, the one from earlier is still Leon, but this one is different.
It’s the real, touchable Leon. The one in the exact same reality as me. The one that I had… Nevermind.
His brown eyes met with my indigo ones, and I immediately pretended to scurry in my bag for something. Nope. I’m not acknowledging that Leon. After what I did, we had this weird tension when we hung out for a day before spilittng our ways. Let’s pretend that we never considered each other as best friends. That had never happened in the first place. We never met.
I could hear his footsteps walk to his exact place: near the front, right at the window. The iconic drop that I’ve gotten used to hearing by his chair.
Nausea came over me when I heard the real Leon speak. Was this guilt? I briefly glared in their direction after grabbing essentials for this class.
“Yo, what’s up, Yong-Soo!” Leon exclaimed from afar.
That used to be my name. Not even my full name, a mere nickname of “Em”. I knew Yong-Soo was his other friend that he knew for longer but…
No. He moved on fine, I should too. Why am I deluding myself with whatever I did at lunch?
I turned my head away from those two, organizing my pencil case and notebook in perfect alignment.
“Just ignore him… That won’t be too hard with a loudass teacher like Mišic.” I thought, grabbing my mechanical pencil. I wish I could sleep in this class, but the teacher is too quirky and annoying.
Oh well, I’ll just have to deal with this. Everyday is exactly the same anyways, so who gives a fuck?
♡♡♡
1:49pm, 01/15/XXXX
Parallel Lines
“I wonder about the parallel lines that meet once and
Never again that they’ll
Ever see
Each other ever again.
Do you think that we’ll see each other,
Years from now when
Our lives are fully established away
Under the radar as completely different identities?”
Finally, after that fuckass lesson and the amount of work that we had to do, I can finally write in this journal. I have a few minutes to spare off to write my thoughts down after a good five minutes of debating what to write for my usual poetry intro. Mr. Mišic is way too strict and annoying for a math class everyone hates.
Anyways, this isn’t really about the math class. Maybe I should really reflect about what happened on the 30th of November. Why I really decided to say bullshit with way too much hope…
Well, it’s hard to really write about in the span of like twenty minutes. Maybe I should just think about it instead. Yeah, even when the class ends I don’t have to rush to pack up. I’ll just think really hard. Even if I tear up because… yeah.
- Emil Styrsson
♡♡♡
11/30/XXXX
“This is the craziest shit I have ever done.” I thought. I really couldn’t believe that I was doing this! My best friend of only a year, and I was an idiot by falling in love. However, I really can’t get this feeling off my chest. It’s going to explode by tomorrow if I don’t do it today!
The way his eyes turn up like crescent moons when he smiles wide. The way his eyebrows would always raise in surprise, no matter how surprising it may be. The way that his touch lingered each time he came too close. The way he would become a child of passion when it came to stupid shit. The way he’ll stay by my side even when I cried because of my insecurity. The way that he always included me in a group project when I instinctively stayed stiff. The way that he always snuck off to my bedroom window and we’ll explore the town together without our guardians knowing. The way that he’d appreciate my poetry and photos with an exaggerated “WOW!!!” each time. The way that he would attempt to make a song using my own poetry as the lyrics.
Leon, today is the day I say this.
Autumn leaves swirled in the wind of the school garden; warm hues leaving a nostalgic atmosphere around me, matching the current canvas of the sky for the after-school hours. There were a decent amount of trees scattered around both sides of this stony path I was on. Occasional birdhouses, benches, and tables were there too, I guess.
Did I seriously choose one of the prettiest places in the entire school to do this? Yes, just in case Leon does say yes. I don’t know why, but I want it to be as memorable as possible. After all, this is the place that Leon had found me, and is also the place that we always ate lunch at if the rooftop was too crowded. Lots of memories were made here too. I hope he comes.
Subconsciously, I started to fidget around with my fingers. I would’ve started to pick and bite at my nails, but Lukas got way too concerned with how short they got.
I heard steps from behind and I twirled my heel. In front of me was my dearest best friend, Leon. One of the most dateable boys in this academy. I see why some girls have a crush on him. He had pretty kissable lips too. I wonder if they taste like the milk tea he’s practically addicted to?
Leon scratched at his nape, “So apparently you texted me to come here right after school for something?”
“Y-Yeah.” I think I responded too quickly to his question. Whatever. I look like a loser right now. I can feel my breath quickening and my eyes suddenly interested in his shoes. Those red converse that he liked to scribble stuff on? Hah, I can see the flower that I doodled on.
“I need to tell you something important, Leon.”
“Okay… go on.” He nodded. I watched as his gaze analyzed the environment around us. I could tell with his scrunched brows how he already felt about this sudden meeting here.
I’ll just say it without being vague like I usually am with my feelings.
“Leon, I’m really in love with you.”
“What?”
“I said I’m in love with you.” I bit deeply into my cheek. Shit, I just said it right there… Why is he avoiding my gaze? Why is Leon hesitating? Why is he silent right now? What’s up with the slow blinking? The stiff posture? Leon…?
Leon took a step back from me, arms by his side.
I think I know what that means.
Especially with the way his head is intrigued by some random ass tree.
“Emil...”He mumbled. Leon only calls me by my name (usually it’s “Em”) when we start to befriend each other.
What does that mean if he called me that now?
“Yeah?”
“I…” Leon gulped. “I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“I just thought of us as just friends and nothing really more, y’know?”
I should’ve known. Nothing more than friends. Did I get my hopes too high? Perhaps I thought the signs of him being more physically affectionate with me wasn’t what I thought it was…?
I then adjusted my uniform collar. Fuck, I could actually feel my eyes water. “…Oh, uhm, T-That’s fine actually. Are we going to stay friends even after this thing?”
Leon answered with silence for a good thirty seconds.
“I’m not sure.”
“What?”
“I don’t know Emil. It’s not bad that you’re gay, but it really isn’t going to be the same after this. I don’t know how to explain how I feel about this sudden confession and—”
“No, I get what you mean. It’s weird and sudden and now you have to think about it. It’s fine, Leon.” I could feel myself tempted to blink right now, but I have to look like I have composure. Okay, I know that I’m about to burst into a waterfall, but pretending to be okay is just… I think we all know what I’m trying to do here, right?
“You’re about to cry because of what I said. I’m sorry that I don’t feel the same way, Emil. I really can’t see us as more than best friends, and now… I don’t know.”
“We don’t have to talk if that’s better.”
…
…
…
“It may be better for the both of us…” Leon turned on his heel and walked away. I watched his silhouette fade into the autumn leaves.
I took the chance to blink and let my tears fall. I ruined it. I ruined us. I ruined my only chance of a friend because I had become a hopeless romantic. I fucked our friendship up.
And now I’m back at square one.
A ghost in everyone’s lives.
That’s it…
That’s who I will—
♡♡♡
“If you’re not done any of this work by tomorrow this WILL become homework! The bell is gonna ring soon for your next class, so pack up kiddos!” The shout of Mr. Mišic’s yell snapped me right back to reality. This guy really needs a muffler in his throat.
I blinked a few times, then rubbed my eyes. Hm, I didn’t cry at that incident this time. Perhaps I had held my tears for these past three months that it had become instinct? Or maybe even before Leon came into my life, I always held my tears no matter what.
Because of the math teacher’s command, I had tucked my supplies and books into my bag, slipping on my bag. I took this opportunity to give a look in Leon’s direction.
He’s talking to Yong-Soo and Hsiao-Mei like he used to talk to me. Except, without the touchy part. Yet he still smiles the same way.
“No, don’t even dare look.” The bells rang my eardrums, giving me a path to diverge my eyes & mind away from Leon; English is next anyways.