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A wild Potter is chillin' on a couch. It's his aunt and uncle's couch. He's in their house. Why? Because he lives there. He's like, 10 years old. What's he doin'? Idk, reading a book or smth, use your imagination. What do you mean, 'that's my job'? Oh yeah, I'm the author. Well anyways, there he is, just laying on that couch, when his aunt walks in the room.
"What do you want Aunt Pneumonia?"
"Why, Harry, I thought that your hair could do with a trim."
"Aunt Pneumonia, last time you tried cutting my hair, a semi truck with the trans flag plastered on the side came out of the sky and killed a flock of domestic redheads migrating down the sidewalk."
"Mm yes, I remember that. Good times. But I'd like to try again because it's getting quite long."
"That's what she said," Harry replied.
Harry's cousin rolled into the room. No, like literally rolled. His limbs have deformed. He's a ball now. Let this be a lesson to not have 50 cookies before bed every night, kids. Oh, and also a methane addiction. That and the cookies are the reason for the roundness. Is it scientifically accurate that methane and a weekly average of 350 cookies causes you to turn into a sphere? Maybe. Nobody's ever tried it, to my knowledge at least, so that very well could be what happens. Don't question it.
"Bruh, that was so skibidi and rizzful I could looksmax forever and not be as sigma. Fire joke twin."
Harry looked over at Aunt Pneumonia, who was looking incredibly confused but was trying to look like she understood a word of what her son said. Harry turned back to his cousin.
"Drugley, nobody knows what the fuck you just said. If you're going to speak to me, I'd recommend that you speak god's plain English."
Drugley is about to start crying when Harry's Uncle T-poses in. Why is he T-posing? Because he's been drinking exclusively beer for 30 years. Before he started drinking beer, he drank exclusively his mom's breast milk. Keep in mind he's 39. He hasn't drank water in 30 years. He's so dehydrated that his limbs have stiffened to the point in which he is stuck permanently T-posing. Yeah. Just go with it.
"HARRY POTTAH, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D MAKE DRUGLEY CRY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!!"
"Wait, it's my birthday?"
"Yeah, how did you not know that ya idiot?"
"To be fair, Uncle Virgin, you've never told me when my birthday is. You just come into my room and pelt dirty socks at me every few weeks and yell "Here's your birthday present, now do the laundry." It's actually really concerning because I'm unsure how you manage to throw them while T-posing."
Silence descends upon the room. Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. That is the sound of silence. Oh, and also fifty alligators with cute little trans flag capes spawning in the house because Aunt Pneumonia turned to Harry and gave his hair a snip because the plot, remember? Hey, what do you mean, "tHeRe'S nO pLoT tO tHiS nOnSeNsE"? This is a very serious fic. Yep.
"AH WHAT THE FUCK PNEUMONIA??? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?????? YOU KNOW SCARY TRANS FLAGS ALWAYS APPEAR WHEN YOU TRY TO CUT HIS HAIR!!" screamed Uncle Virgin, panicking despite the fact that the alligators are legit just chillin.
An Alligator walks over to Harry and makes weird gurgling noises. Harry speaks alligatortongue so he knows what It's saying.
"Harry Pottuh, your parents didn't die from overdosing on cheesepuffs. That was a lie your aunt and uncle told you so you'd never get suspicious and seek the truth. They were killed by Vegandemort while going to a yuri convention. Vegandemort didn't like your parents, Liver and Jugular, because they went to school together. They used to be besties until your parents joined the gay writing club, which hurt Vegandemort deeply because he felt they were leaving his dyslexic ass behind. They slowly drifted apart until they were mere acquaintances. Until one day, Vegandemort looked over at the table the gay writing club sat at and saw some hippie giving Liver A HAMBURGER. And she ATE IT!!! Vegandemort felt so betrayed. It didn't matter that they weren't friends anymore, the three of them MADE A PACT to NEVER eat meat and harm the poor helpless animals in slaughterhouses DYING with no say in their fates! Vegandemort swore revenge, and years later, Vegandemort saw his chance when he found out about the yuri convention and just KNEW Liver and Jugular be there. You can probably guess what happened next."
Everyone in the room was looking really uncomfortable because this alligator has been making dying bird noises for a few minutes by now and Harry's been looking at it like it's just told him the meaning of life. Everyone suddenly jumps back in fear when Harry opens his mouth like a trash can and makes weird gurgling noises at the alligator, who seems to understand him.
"Okayyyyy, so the alligators are possessing Harry and they have scary trans flags." Uncle Virgin picks up Harry (while still T-posing). "I think that would be our cue to, uh, leave."
And so, they left. They went on the long and treacherous journey to the car, which was parked in the driveway. What do you mean, 'that's not a very long journey'? Well, maybe to YOU it's not, but when your Uncle is stuck permanently T-posing, your Aunt's an airhead, and your cousin is a straight up bowling ball, it's quite a lengthy trek.
Anyways, off they drove, far, far, away. They drove so long the sun began to set, and they all refused to sleep in the car so when they saw a random cottage on rickety stilts in the middle of a lake, they of course rented it for $18 a minute. 'What's with that price?' you may be wondering. Well, living isn't cheap, bitch. It's 2026, get with the mandatory overpriced program. 'What program?' you may be wondering. Well that, stranger on the internet, would be life.
They all began settling into the cottage, and by that I mean everyone faceplanted into their own personal king sized beds. Except for Harry, of course. He got to sleep on the cold hard floor. Woo-hoo. Happy birthday man.
Night steadily settled in as the sun went down, and all was peaceful in the alligator-free cottage.
Until a beam of pink light appeared in front of Harry. When the beam fizzled out, a large dude came into sight. The dude had long, luscious brown curls and wore a baggy pink shirt and skirt with white leggings layered underneath. He had pink thigh highs to match the shirt and skirt. In short, he was slaying. Oh, and he had glittery rainbow nails.
"Ello' Harry!"
"Sup. Loving the fit, queen. But, uh. Who are you?"
"Ah, my bad. The name's Rubeus Dragrid-Queen. I work at Hogwoke's School of Slaycraft and Twinkery. A place where we slay and gay the day away and help free those closet girlies."
"Oh, cool. What's a 'closet girlie' though?"
"Well, according to my clipboard here, it's you."
"Wha?"
"Harry, have you noticed any strange occurrences throughout you childhood?"
"I suppose people do end up dying whenever somebody tries cutting my hair. Also I'm not allowed in the kitchen because all the eggs start floating towards me and sticking to me. See there's one now." An egg starts flying towards Harry from the cottage's kitchen.
"Ah. Harry wouldn't it be cool if you were a girl?"
"Can I get a pair of those thigh highs?"
"Abso-fucking-lutly. Now hold on, if I channel the power of all the surrounding Yuri, I can turn you into a girl."
Dragrid-Queen closes his eyes and clasps his hands together. He begins chanting words Harry doesn't know, like "Chaggie, Abstradgety, Lamity, Catradora, Alphyne". Most likely some sort of magical spell, Harry thinks.
Dragrid-Queen opens his eyes and stares at Harry. "You ready?"
"Yep :D"
"Okay then," Dragrid-Queen then holds out his hands kamehameha style, and shouts at the top of his lungs, "YOU'RE A WOMAN HARRY!"
But the kamehameha went wrong, it was too powerful!! It was too KAWAII!!! The plot was unfortunately lost in the blast as cliché anime music starts playing and Harry starts levitating and glows completely white as he does a clichéd anime transformation into a woman. This goes on for a minute then he levitates back down to the ground, now completely transitioned into an anime girl, and he does a peace sign then says, "Meet the newest student at Hogwoke's school of Slaycraft and Twinkery. Me, Harriet!" Her mouth isn't moving in time to what she's saying at all because the people doing the English dub were lazy.
And so, Harriet went on to graduate Hogwoke's School of Slaycraft and Twinkery, gaining a degree in Trans Jax Fanart. Instead of returning to her aunt and uncle's, she would spend the summers at her friend, Ronald Queersly's house so she never had to see them again (unfortunately, Ron has since passed away due to respiratory issues he gained after getting hit by a semi truck awhile back). During her time at Hogwoke's School of Slaycraft and Twinkery, she met a boy named Draco Malewife, and the two got married just last fall. She lived happily ever after.
The End.