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Felix usually didn't find it that hard to fall asleep, especially after a full day of working he was usually exhausted, but tonight he couldn't help but stay up thinking about their conversation from earlier. It had been a while since all eight of them had sat down and had a serious conversation. Whenever they had free time all eight of them there wasn't usually enough room for talking.
Today it had been brought up that they wouldn't be able to be Stray Kids forever. Jisung had brought up that they should all live together in Seoul together, and Felix had said that would mean living in Korea. It had never been his plan to stay in Korea after he retired from performing. He had always considered Australia his home, and even after nine years of living in Korea he often found himself missing it, despite finding seven amazing people who he loved deeply.
They had all been together for years now, and Felix loved them so much he didn't know if he could live a ten hour flight away from them. They had never specially talked about what their relationship would be after they retired, it had seemed so far away. It still was far away. None of them were even thirty yet! They had time to figure it out, but what if everyone else had assumed that their relationship was temporary. Had everyone else agreed that they would break up once the group was done? Or did they all have a plan to live here in Korea into their old age? Felix didn't know which option was worse.
He felt like he was suffocating surrounded by his sleeping boyfriends, which was unusual for him. He had chosen to sleep in the middle of the bed in order to be able to maximize the amount of boyfriends he could cuddle. But now with Hyunjin’s arm over his stomach and Jisung cuddled up against his chest he felt like he could barely breathe. He had always thought the eight of them could be together forever, but now it felt like there might be a time limit slowly ticking down to when he would lose them.
Felix carefully moved Jisung until he rolled over and cuddled up against Minho. He climbed out from underneath Hyunjin, maneuvering a pillow under his arm so he wouldn't wake up. He carefully climbed down to the bottom of the bed so as to not disturb his sleeping boyfriends.
Felix could feel tears filling his eyes, and didn’t want to wake up any of them with his crying, so he headed out to the backyard. It was dark, and the only thing keeping Felix from being completely blind was the lights at the bottom of the pool.
Earlier that day they had so much fun playing out here. It was crazy how one conversation could completely change his whole mood. Only a few hours ago he had been happy to finally have time to just be with his boyfriends, and then now he was questioning the permanence of it all.
Felix sat down on the couch set up near the pool. Tears pooled in his eyes, and this time he let them fall. He cried for the loss of something he may not lose for years. He cried because of how lonely he already felt. He had six people who loved him just inside, but now that he knew it wouldn’t last forever.
The light near the door to the backyard flicked on, bathing Felix in light. His head snapped up to see who had come outside. Chan stood in the doorway with his hair sticking up on one side from his pillow. He rubbed his eyes looking exhausted. Felix knew recently his insomnia had gotten worse again since his sleep apnea would wake him up in the middle of the night. He immediately felt guilty for waking him up.
“Felix?” Chan asked, rubbing his eyes. “What’re you doing up?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” Felix said. He hated how his voice cracked around the words, clearly giving away the fact he had been crying.
Chan’s eyes furrowed in concern. Felix buried his face in his hands. This was the last thing he wanted. He didn’t want to burden his boyfriends with something like this. They clearly had their whole future figured out in their minds. A future that didn’t line up with Felix’s.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Chan dropped onto the couch next to Felix.
A sob left Felix’s lips before he could stop it. He tried to curl closer around himself, trying to shove his feelings deep inside himself, but that was never his strong suit. His emotions were always clear on his face, especially to the people who knew him as well as his members did.
“Hey, hey, come here,” Chan gently grabbed Felix’s shoulders and pulled him into his chest. “I've got you, love. I've got you.”
Felix hands wrapped in Chan's shirt clinging to him as sobs wracked his body. Chan brought a hand to the back of Felix’s head and ran his fingers through his hair.
“It's okay,” Chan whispered. “I'm here. I've got you.”
Felix curled closer to Chan, as if he were trying to burrow himself into Chan’s ribcage.
“Is this about tonight?” Chan asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
Felix nodded. It didn't surprise him that Chan instantly knew why he was crying. He always knew how to read Felix and always did everything to try to make it better.
Chan sighed and pressed a kiss to the top of his head, “It's okay. I'm scared too, baby.”
“I don't want to be alone,” Felix sobbed, shifting back into his native language.
Chan's grip tightened around him, “You're not alone. I'm here.”
“But-but – I can't- I can't-” Felix couldn't even get the words out. “I can't! Not forever!”
Chan's hands stilled in Felix’s hair, “You can't what?”
He sounded terrified. His grip around Felix tightened unconsciously, like he was scared he was going to disappear if he let go.
“I-I can't stay here for-forever,” Felix sobbed. “I wanna go home!”
Chan relaxed a little, “What?”
“I-I don't want to stay in Korea for-forever,” Felix admitted. “But, everyone else is from here, and-and I don't– I don't want to be alone!”
“Oh, Lix,” Chan sighed, pulling him closer.
“I-I just- I thought we could be forever!” Felix cried. “And I guess I'm just stupid.”
“Hey, hey, no,” Chan pulled away, and carefully tilted Felix’s head up to look at him. “No, you're not stupid. We can be forever!”
“But-but Jisung said- he said that-that-” Felix couldn't even finish a sentence before he dissolved into tears again.
“You're talking about how he said we would all live together in Seoul, right?” Chan asked.
Felix nodded.
Chan sighed, “We don't have to do that. We can live wherever we want.”
“But everyone else is from here!” Felix argued. “They've lived here their whole lives. Their families live here!”
“But ours don't,” Chan gently ran his thumb over Felix’s cheek, brushing away the tears.
“But it doesn't matter, you're home is with them!” Felix cried. “You'll stay with them and I'll be all alone! I'm-I’m out numbered."
“That doesn't matter,” Chan shook his head. “It isn't about numbers. My home is with all of you, including you, Felix. I need you too.”
Felix shook his head. Chan had six other boyfriends. If it came down to it he would be fine without Felix. He would stay here in Korea with them, and Felix would go back to Sydney and be alone for the rest of his life.
“Felix, Yongbok, look at me,” Chan took Felix’s face in his hands, gently tilting his head up so he met his gaze.
Felix was caught off guard by how heartbroken he looked as he stared at Felix. He always looked at all of them like they were something precious, like something he needed to protect.
“I am never leaving you behind,” Chan said.
Tears filled Felix's eyes at the familiar words, feeling almost like he was seventeen again. He realized he felt similar to how he had back then: his future heading in a completely different direction than the rest of Stray Kids. His ending left him completely alone, while they all were able to stay together.
“I swear to you, as long as I am alive I will make sure you never feel alone,” Chan stated. “You are just as important to me, okay? And if you can't stay here, we will find a way to go home. Even if it's just the two of us.”
Chan's eyes were filled with tears now too. Guilt pressed against Felix's chest. He didn't want to put this onto Chan. That's the whole reason he had gone outside, so none of them would worry about this. They still had years ahead of them before they had to worry about what their plan was for retirement.
“Chan, stop, we don't have to talk about this,” Felix shook his head. “We've still got time to figure this out.”
“I know, but we should!” Chan said, his tears spilling over and onto his cheeks. “We've never really talked about our future outside of contracts! We haven't even talked about how long we actually plan to do this, or-or if we're just going to disband once everyone goes off to the military.”
“What, no, that's not going to happen,” Felix shook his head.
Chan was biting his lip and clearly holding back a sob.
“Chris, what makes you think that we're going to disband?” Felix asked.
“Minho said he might change his mind,” Chan’s voice sounded so small and unsure.
Felix thought back to their conversation earlier that night. He remembered Minho saying something about how he wasn't sure what his mindset would be after he got back from the military, but Felix didn't think that meant he was going to leave the group. Or had he just meant leaving them.
“What is going on out here?” Minho's tired voice called out. Both Felix and Chan's head snapped up to look at him.
The second oldest stood in the doorway, his hands on his hips and a frown on his face.
“Do you guys know what time it is?” he scolded. “We should all be in bed!”
A sob finally broke free from Chan and he too dissolved into tears. Felix immediately wrapped his arms around the leader, pulling him close the way Chan had comforted him earlier.
“Hey, hey, what's wrong?” Minho asked, running over to crouch next to them. “What happened?”
“I…” Felix started, but his voice was already getting tight with tears again.
Minho wrapped his arms around them, “It's okay, it's okay. Don't cry. We're okay.”
“I don't want you to leave,” Chan cried.
Minho sighed, “Channie, we've still got time. They haven't even told me when I'm leaving.”
Chan shook his head, “Not- not then, I know you don't have a choice, after.”
“After?” Minho repeated, titling his head in confusion.
“You-you said you might change your mind,” Chan cried.
Minho sighed, “I said my mindset might change. I never said I was leaving!”
“But-but if it's different you might not-” Chan started.
“I'm not leaving, hyung,” Minho cut him off. “What I meant is my mindset might change and I might not be able to have as intense of a schedule as we do now. I mean, we're already seeing the effects of it. We haven't had a big stage without someone being hurt or sick since November. I'm not planning on ever leaving until we all decide that it's best, I'm just saying I might want more time to myself, or more time to spend with you guys outside of work.”
“You're sure?” Chan still sounded unsure.
“I'm positive,” Minho said seriously. “I love you guys so much, and I love this job so much.”
Chan sighed, relaxing against Minho and Felix, “Okay, good.”
Minho pressed a kiss to the crown of his head, then turned to Felix, “What about you? Are you scared of me leaving too?”
Felix shook his head, “Not exactly. I-I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to stay here forever. I-I want to go home. But not right now, like after when we all retire. I love you guys so much, and I just started thinking about how all of this might not actually be permanent and how I might end up alone, but I love you guys and I don't want to leave you, but this isn't home!”
Minho sighed, “That seems like a lot, Bokkie. I don't have a definite answer for how it'll all work out, but I know we have a lot of time. So much can change, and who knows, maybe teleportation will become a thing and we can go back and forth between Australia whenever we want. But, I also want you to know that we will not force you to stay here, and we will not let you go off by yourself. All of us are in this together, no matter what happens, okay?”
Felix nodded, “Okay.”
“Okay,” Minho nodded. “Now, can we go back to bed now? We'll talk more about this in the morning with everyone, but we need to sleep right now.”
Chan and Felix both nodded.
Minho and Chan's words had helped soothe Felix’s fears of losing them, and the exhaustion of the day was setting in. He needed to go to bed or he was going to fall asleep out by the pool.
Minho stood up and helped pull the other two to their feet. The three of them headed back inside and decided to go to the third bedroom, in order to not wake up the rest of their partners.
Felix lay in the middle of them, Minho's arms wrapped around his waist as he spooned him from behind while Felix lay with his head on Chan's chest.
“I love you guys,” Felix said as his eyes started to feel heavy. He was already asleep before the other two could answer, but he knew they loved him just as much and that it was permanent.