Chapter Text
The nighmare begin when Dumbledore entered in the Order of the Phoenix headquarters and pulled Sirius aside. James didn't know what to think about it, but he won't lie and say he's not curious, Dumbledore only pulled Sirius aside unless it was about something only he needed to know.
Maybe about his family? About him.
No, James swore he wouldn't think about his secret ex-boyfriend, he has Lily. Even though he never really got over Regulus, he knows he shouldn't think about someone who isn't Lily, specially in that way.
After about one minute after Dumbledore pulled Sirius aside, they heard a scream, not a scared or pained sharp scream, no, Sirius would never scream like that, no matter how painful is a wound or how much they tried to scare him.
It's a raw, furious, long, coming directly from his soul, kind of scream.
Not even ten second after that the scream stopped, Sirius barged out the door of the room he and Dumbledore were, head low, fists clenched, trying to hold all the anger the thing Dumbledore said had caused. Sirius just ignored Remus when he tried to ask what happened, and went outside.
James and Peter exchanged looks, they know Sirius never ignored Remus, the man loved Remus much more than any of the Marauders, something really bad must have happened.
So they didn't wait, James went ahead as Peter grabbed the arm of the still shocked Remus, forcing him to step foward.
They found Sirius not much long later, he was throwing his anger at any piece of nature ahead, rocks, pebbles, even trees didn't get spared.
James walked towards him, steping on sticks and kicking small pebbles in purpose to warn the man he was coming closer. "Padfoot..." Sirius flinched anyway. "Are you okay? What did Dumbledore want?"
Sirius slowly looked up at the rest of the Marauders, his furious, tearful gaze softening a bit as he took in James' worried face, Petter scared face and most importantly, Remus still shocked, almost in tears face.
Sirius' lips tremble as he found courage to speak. "He died..." At their confused look, Sirius looked down and clarified. "Regulus... he died..." James froze, his mind running wild as he tried to focus on Sirius' words. "Dumbledore said he died trying to kill the Dark Lord... at least it was what Kreacher, our- his house elf said... he didn't explain how or why... Dumbledore said he was too hurt to say anything else without breaking down."
James couldn't focus anymore, his mind trying to reason with the overwhelming guilt as he swallowed his tears. Regulus, he was on their side, only if James had listened when that small sixth year tried to explain himself, only if James had read any of the numerous letters the Regulus- his Reggie -had sent in that summer, only to stop after the fifth letter James hadn't sent an answer.
Damn, if anything, it was more James' guilt than anybody else's, he knew Regulus couldn't go against his parents, that he wasn't brave or loud like James knew Sirius was, he knew Regulus wouldn't try anything against his family because the boy knew that nobody would accept to house him as a slytherin, Regulus' slytherin friends probably suffered with their families too, and even though James' parents were kind enough to house Sirius, James knew that if Sirius was a slytherin like Regulus, they wouldn't accept him that easily.
James knew his mind was fucked up when he couldn't be affectionate with Lily, his own fiancé, the one he had purposed just one week before the notice of Regulus' death, without thinking on Regulus, it was like a impossible mission, he kept slipping up, acidently calling her 'Reg' or 'Reggie'. He's sure she noticed that, she was smart, probably smarter than anyone else in the Order, but she was also inlove with James, and love makes one's mind ignore every wrong and obvious sign.
He wanted to break up, he really wanted, but he couldn't bear the thought he would lose the only one- that isn't Regulus -who ever thought on James in that way, he's afraid to break her just like he broke Regulus. Plus, his friends love Lily, if he break up with her, his friends would dig in the motive until they get to Regulus, he couldn't bear Sirius' face if he knew his best friend was laying with his brother when they were still running at each other's throat.
The nightmare only grown when Lily asked him if he wanted a child, he should say no, that he don't love her in the way she loves him, that she don't deserve carrying the child of someone who didn't love her for nine months.
Against everyone's expectation, James knew the weight of a child, he knew the risks of a pregnancy, he knew she and the child would suffer the moment James leave them, he knew he would leave, his guilt would be unbearable at some moment, unbearable enough to not being able to look at his own wife without breaking down in guilt.
So why? Why did he lay down with her at that night? Some kind of pride? Must have been, he tried his best to take care of her in the months she was pregnant, but his thought kept going back to Regulus, is this what people call unheathy obsession? Maybe survivor's guilt? It has been almost a year since his death, he should have been over with that.
James thought he would throw up when Lily called him to the kitchen, shortly after she had put Harry to sleep.
He couldn't look at her face, not anymore, and she noticed, of course she noticed, this is why they're having this talk now. "James... I'm really sorry we hadn't this talk before we had Harry... but I can't bear it anymore..." Even without looking at her face, James knew she was crying. "I knew you were using me after Regulus received the mark, but in the same time... I wanted to belive that with enough time you would get over that... that you would begin to look at me, not at Regulus' replacement... but after his death, I noticed it was worse, you kept calling me by his name, avoiding to look at my face..." She pauses to let a shaky breath. "And now he have Harry, I think it won't be good for his growth if he begin to think he's the only reason his parents are together."
She pauses again, this time wanting an answer or a least an opinion.
"You think we should ask for a divorce before Harry begin to blame himself..." James says, finally looking at her, trying to hide the guilt and relief.
Just as Lily was about to say something else, they hear a bang on the door, as if someone was trying to break it down.
James and Lily exchange looks, meaning they would continue later. Lily went towards the stairs to Harry's room, while James walked towards the front door to gain time.
He knew who was on the door, he knew it was the Dark Lord, and that he would kill James the moment the door break down, but James wasn't afraid, this was Regulus' killer, James wanted revenge, and if the Dark Lord was kind enough to appear at his door, how could he ignore this sweet opportunite? And even if he kill James, James would meet his Regulus, he could finally tell him how much he's sorry, dump every piece of guilt, cry just like a little child on Regulus' arms.
As the door breaks down, James conjures all his hatred against the Dark Lord, focusing to use a single spell. "Avada Ke-"
But the damn guy was faster. "Avada Kedavra!" It was not a surprise, 'Avada Kedavra' is what people consider the Dark Lord's signature spell, the man uses it frequently, so frenquently he can say it faster and with cleaner hand moviment.
When he opens his eyes again, he sees a dark room, only lit by a single desk lamp, there is a handsome white-haired man with a tan skin, eyes so black it gives James shivers.
"James Fleamont Potter." The man calls. "Congrats, you have died, I'm what you humans call 'God of Death'."
James shift on his standing. "Do you call every dead soul here to tell them they died? It must be troublesome." He jokes trying to lift the dark and gloom atmosfere.
The god doesn't laugh, but James sees the corner of his lips lifting. "You're a special case James, does the name 'Regulus Arcturus Black' rings a bell?"
James flinch and his gaze darkens. "What's up with Reg?"
The god waves him off to make him calm down. "Well... I sent him in a mission to kill Tom Marvolo Riddle, also know as 'Voldemort', as he's the only one who knows how to do that, but... well... I kinda promised him I would send him some help before I sent him back to Earth."
James won't lie, he has mixed feelings about that, in one hand, he wants to help Regulus, he wants to stay by his side, but in the other hand, he doesn't know how he would help... he has the hatred and the will to kill Voldemort, but he doesn't know if Regulus wants to see him as much as he wants to see Regulus.
The god sighs, as if he's seeing his self conflict. "I wouldn't worry about that if I was you, belive me, you'll be a great help, don't you humans say that 'two heads are better than one'? Plus I already promised I would send help, do you prefer I send someone else when you have the opportunity to help him?"
If the god felt James' rage when he offered to send someone else, he doesn't say a word. "Send me, I'll help."
The god smirks "Woah, almost as short tempered as a certain redhaired I know..." The god cleans his throat. "Well, good luck on your mission, James Fleamont Potter."
And everything went white.