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Headaches were something Kaidan was used to. He had dealt with them most of his life, he knew how to cope well enough. At least, until his amp needed attention.
As it got closer and closer to needing replacing or any sort of calibrating, his head would hurt worse until he got it done. It was one of those things that he dreaded dealing with because unplugging an amp was uncomfortable at best and horribly disorienting at worst.
As they got further into the war against the Reapers, he found his headaches getting worse and his biotics getting less responsive. He knew it was likely that the new amp they installed at the hospital needed some tweaking but the idea of dealing with it..
Well let's just say he put it off for almost 2 weeks before he gave in.
He had to take it off to calibrate it for some God forsaken reason. Modern science could create the things but not add a way to tweak it without removing it?
Stupid design choice if you ask him.
He was sitting in the Normandy’s Starboard Lounge trying to hype himself up when the door slid open with a soft hiss and he turned to see Shepard, standing in the doorway with a confused look on her face.
“Kaidan? Why are the lights so low, are you alright?”
He nodded a bit too quickly and shot a wave of pain behind his eyes and to the base of his skull. He barely resisted the urge to double over in pain, instead he just squinted his eyes as he forced out words and hoped they made sense.
“Ah, sorry, headache.”
Her voice was softer when she replied.
“Oh, okay. Can I get you anything? I know not much helps..”
He waved her off as he tried to massage the pain away with slow circles across his temples and around to the back of his head.
“No, no I'm okay. I just need to tweak my amp and talk to Chakwas. I'll be ready next time we're on the ground, Commander.”
She watched him quietly for a long moment and he felt his heart pick up pace. She had this.. look she would do sometimes- it was hard to discern what she was thinking but he swore those eyes of hers could bore into his soul.
Eventually, after what felt like both an eternity and half a second, she blinked and her shoulders loosened barely enough to be noticeable.
“Do you need help?”
Now it was his turn to stare for longer than he really should. Unfortunately for him, she made talking difficult.
“I- uh- sure. Yeah, if you want.”
She chuckled and walked over towards him. As she walked he couldn't help but notice she seemed tired in a bone deep way he understood all too well, he felt like that every night for the first year after her death.
Longer than that if he was honest with himself but he preferred the lie.
She sat down next to him and moved her hand around in a circle in the air to tell him to turn his back to her, he did.
They hadn't really officially fixed much between them. He had mourned her loss and accepted (sort of) that she was gone, then all the sudden she showed up on Horizon flying Cerberus colors almost a year ago and he didn't know what to think anymore.
He knows now that she wasn't ever actually with them- she was dead and then used them- but the damage he did to their friendship during that confusion and hurt..
Well, he was pretty sure she was over him- even if he can't get over her. They had fixed their friendship but anything beyond that was ‘up in the air’ so to speak.
His wandering mind was pulled back to the present when he felt her warm fingers move his hair around as she disconnected the amp. He couldn't help the shiver that traveled down his spine and coated his skin in goosebumps even if he wanted to.
Or the soft sigh that fell from his lips as he finally relaxed and let her work.
Her hands paused for just a moment before continuing and he tried not to blush from embarrassment. Touch from someone he actually trusted was something he hadn't gotten much of in the last almost 3 years.
Knowing it was Shepard.. well, that added a whole other level to it all.
With Shepard it was always different. Her kindness was one thing that drew him to her in the first place, but even beyond that there was just something about her that had him like a moth to a flame.
Everything about her was just perfect, loving her was easy. The fact that they worked well together was just a bonus.
Her voice pulled him back to reality.
“Alright, I've almost got it.”
Before he could answer she removed the AMP and he had to put his hands flat on the couch to fend off the dreaded dizziness that came from the sudden instability of Biotic energy with nothing to tether it in place.
It dissipated pretty quickly, but it always made him feel a little off for a minute. He hated it.
He felt her hand on his shoulder and reached up on instinct to put his over it. The moment it made contact he froze.
He didn't know what he expected. Maybe for her to pull her hand away, to leave, to kick him out the airlock. What he didn't expect was for her to squeeze his shoulder.
“Dizzy?”
He knew if he tried to speak his voice would betray him, so he just nodded. She hummed in understanding. “It usually passes pretty quickly right?”
He nodded again and she leaned to try to meet his eyes. When he turned to let her, she smiled at him and his heart ached at the kindness and worry in her eyes. “Hey, are you sure you're alright?”
He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it to try to get his thoughts in order. It only took a moment.
“Yeah, yeah I'm okay.”
She nodded as her hand lowered from his shoulder and turned her attention to the amp in her hand, turning it over curiously.
“This tiny thing lets you do all that cool stuff?”
He nodded. He didn't entirely know how it worked, but she sure seemed interested.
“Yeah and when it's slightly off it makes my headaches worse.”
She hummed in understanding and held it out to him.
“Well then you should probably get it fixed.”
He chuckled and leaned forward to grab the laptop off the table and connected the amp to it with a short thin wire. It didn't take long to run the system calibrations and have it ready to put back. Thank God.
Shepard held a hand out for it and he placed it in her palm before turning his back to her again.
Her hands were so warm.. that alone helped ease the pain ever so slightly. When the amp reattached his biotics were like a wave over his body, but they didn't stop the headache.
That would likely linger for the rest of the day.
He was going to turn and thank her when he felt her fingers move along his neck and press into the muscle, thumbs moving up to gently massage near the amp port.
The relief was immediate. He had to fight the urge to let his head fall forward as she continued and he felt the tension and pain flow out of him in waves.
It was almost too much. Her hands on him again, her warmth right behind him, her smell all around him.. just because she cares.
Because she's Shepard.
He knew he should let her go, tell her he's fine and thank her for the help. He knew that. She had enough on her plate.
But dammit part of him wanted to be selfish..
After a moment he swallowed down the lump in his throat and hoped beyond hope that his voice wouldn't betray him.
“Shepard?”
She hummed an answer and paused to let him speak. “Thank you, for everything. Forgiving me, letting me aboard the ship again, the amp, this.. thank you.”
He could hear the smile in her voice when she responded and it made his heart pick up.
“Of course. Anytime, Kaidan.”
Her hands resumed their work and his mouth decided to keep going without his permission.
“I mean it, you didn't have to do any of that, I'm really grateful and now I'm going to babble because that's what I do when I don't know what to say-”
She leaned to meet his eyes and he stopped talking. She was smiling, at least.
“You’re welcome, I'm happy to have you aboard and I’m happy to help you with things you need help with.”
He nodded slowly as he turned back to look out the window. The stars flying by were beautiful.
After a second she returned to massaging and he gathered the courage to speak again.
“I know I hurt you, on Horizon. I just-”
“Kaidan, it's fine. I understand.”
He sighed heavily.
“I don't. I never doubted you before, we worked together for long enough I knew you better than that. After the SR1..”
He shook his head softly. “It was hard, life was hard. I..”
He was quiet for a second, trying to get his thoughts in order. He wanted so badly to tell her that he loves her, that he wants to fix things, that he wants her.
But how to bring it up..
He turned and she looked at him in confusion for a moment as he looked over her face. “I never got over you. I thought about you every day, even when I tried to move on I couldn't. Everything reminds me of you I.. I love you, Shepard.”
She stared at him in what he could only guess was disbelief for longer than he expected before a smile tugged at her lips and she let out a relieved exhale.
“Well shit Kaidan, it took you long enough.”
His eyebrows pinched in confusion as he let out a low chuckle.
“What do you mean?”
She leaned back casually as her smile grew closer to a smirk.
“Well you were upset at me for quite a while, I know we said we were okay but I wasn't about to cross that line. I've been waiting for you to make a move and I was starting to think you were over me.”
He blinked and she seemed to barely resist the urge to laugh. She was enjoying seeing him squirm. He shook his head.
“I've been aboard the Normandy for almost a month and you're just now telling me this?”
She shrugged casually and he laughed. “You're a menace, Shepard!”
She joined the laughter and when they pulled themselves together he held a hand out towards her and she moved closer to accept it. Once her hand was in his he pulled her into a hug.
The pressure felt like it was forcing all of his pieces back together, even pieces he thought he lost. Eventually they pulled apart enough for his eyes to meet hers and she spoke barely above a whisper.
“I love you, Kaidan. I never stopped loving you.”
He felt tears well up in his eyes and if he wasn't mistaken, hers even looked a bit glossy.
His hands found her cheeks and he pulled her into a kiss that made him finally feel whole again for the first time in far too long. She practically melted into it and her lips pressing back against his own made everything else seem so small.
For the first time in years, with her body pressed against his in the low light of the Lounge, the galaxy didn't feel quite so cold anymore.
Reapers be damned.