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She barely even gets to see the TARDIS fade away, as she is left behind. As the Doctor and Nyssa leave her behind.
-
After what felt like the millionth failed attempt at getting her to Heathrow Airport, Tegan had sort of accepted the fact that yeah, it probably wasn’t gonna happen anytime soon, that she wouldn’t get to go back to her old life (she’d never get to go back, she realized grimly, not really: aunt Vanessa was dead, she had fought aliens and was possessed, had seen the stars and had gone in the earth’s past — but she could, would, leave it all behind, things would go back to normal, she hoped), and that the TARDIS certainly needed a responsible adult on board, because while the Doctor might be an adult he wasn’t exactly mature or responsible or the epitome of reliable, so she thought: she could stick around for a while. You can stop trying to get me to Heathrow, is what she tells him then, less annoyed than she thinks she should be. The Doctor simply looked at her and hummed, fiddling with the controls, maybe a touch surprised at her newfound willingness to stay.
So she had tried to make the most of the adventure that always followed them wherever they went, of travelling and getting to make a positive difference in the world because isn’t that what she wanted in the first place? To see the world and help people. She had befriended the lovely Nyssa, and had, despite the frankly terrible beginning of their relationship, even befriended the Doctor — who was also probably the most infuriating and strange and brilliant guy she’d ever met. Who annoyingly took joy in constantly teasing Tegan yet had shown he’d do anything to keep her safe.
She had grown to like him, had grown to like their sparring, she thought bitterly yet fondly. Despite herself, everything she knew and believed about the world, she had grown fond of the mad man whose police box she had stumbled into, even if they seemed to argue about nearly every single thing.
Then Adric died, and she did not think about going back, had already decided she wants to stay by then: rather, she thinks she needs to be there, for Nyssa and for the Doctor, who was already trying to metaphorically (and literally) run away from the death and the grief that follows. She spoke up, as she always does, her emotion against her friends’ science and logic, trying to convince the Doctor to save Adric, and was once again reminded that you cannot go back and rewrite your own history.
You can’t go back, she told herself, and she tried not to think further of Adric and of her aunt and of the life she does not know if she wants to go back to. She supposed she has already made her choice, and so she followed the Doctor.
-
She had always loved aeroplanes and flying. It wasn’t even about getting to the destination, it was the way of travelling, of seeing the world from up above, the adrenaline and the feeling of being alive. Sometimes I think you should have been born with wings, had been one of the last things her aunt had told her before — she shut her eyes and breathed.
Becoming an air stewardess wasn’t exactly the same as flying a plane, but it was the closest she would get, and it was rather glamorous, wasn’t it? Wearing an uniform and looking her very best and getting to talk to all kinds of people, in theory. It’s what she would do, when she decided to go back. If.
She walked alongside all the busy people, and gazed at the International Departure Gate, hearing the flight announcement.
It was rather silly, Tegan knew, but airports had felt like home more than any of the places she’d been told were supposed to be her home. She felt like she belonged here, almost. Liminal spaces that always lead elsewhere. Being on the road to adventure and getting to see the world has always felt like what she was meant to do. The TARDIS had felt like home too. And she doesn’t want to go back because she can’t really go back, because all that’s waiting for her, really, is an empty house that’s no longer her aunt’s. She thinks she ought to stop thinking about death so much.
No looking back. She looks onward, starts to walk to where the TARDIS is parked. She has all the time in the world to be an air stewardess, and there’s no point in making her friends wait.
-
She starts to run as she sees the the blue box she has grown so familiar with fade away, knowing that it’s already too late. That she wasn’t fast enough.
She makes her way in front of the now empty parking lot, save for pilots and policemen and cars, not being able to look away from the space where the TARDIS had been located just a minute ago.
Tegan is — she feels silly, and stupid, and hurt and confused. Sad and angry and upset. She feels a lump in her throat, a tightness in her chest, her eyes burning. A ringing in her ears that makes everything around her feel unreal, like none of it happened. Like her travels with the Doctor and Nyssa and Adric meant nothing.
“Happy landings, Doctor,” she manages to say, it feeling important despite the Doctor unable to hear it, her voice sounding shaky. She knows, when she feels hurt and frustrated and embarrassed, sometimes she starts to cry, and — and — she can feel her eyes burning, she can feel her face flushing. She feels like a teenager getting her heart broken for the first time and hates herself for it.
“I thought you were going with the Doctor,” she thinks she can hear one of the pilots saying, ever so casually, and she — “So did I,” she lets herself admit. She feels so stupid, because she feels hurt, because against her better judgement she had trusted the Doctor, because she thought she had meant something to him (She’s a friend, she remembers the Doctor admitting), because she thought she and the Doctor were — and she feels so stupid and sick, and why would the Doctor keep around some mouth on legs who couldn’t stop getting herself in trouble and had nearly no knowledge about time travel or space or science or whatever.
She feels so stupid and raw, and she is not going to cry in front of these people, and she especially is not gonna cry because of the Doctor, because it’s not like he’s dead, he just — he left her behind. Probably didn’t want her around anymore. She wants to hate the Doctor — not for the first time — and she can’t, not really. It’s unfair, it’s —
She’s fine, and her mind is not racing, she starts telling herself. This is what Tegan wanted, anyway, to go back to her planet and time, to get to Heathrow, to get to work as an air hostess. It’s not like she was gonna travel with him and Nyssa forever, and — it’s fine. She’ll go to work, and time will pass, and she’ll go to work, and things will not get back to normal but she’ll keep telling herself they will, and she’ll go to work so she won’t have to stay too long in an empty house. She’ll try not to think about her aunt and about Adric and she will do so anyway.
Not for the first time in her life, as Tegan leaves to go back to the airport, she prays to a God she does not believe in for the Doctor and Nyssa to be safe, because she’s not religious — never has really been — but she hates not being able to do anything to help.
She tries not to worry about her friends further, but she’s always been bad at not worrying.