Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“Naberrie, obviously. You can tell by the eyes.”

Somewhere behind Ben’s back either a half-suppressed sob or very fake cough could be heard. He, in his turn, wanted nothing more but for the ground to swallow him up, though the desire to turn around and strangle that asshole Poe, who couldn’t contain his laughter, was still prevailing. And if it hadn’t been for Poe, they wouldn’t be standing here at all. One could say, it was almost entirely his idea!

It was a long time ago – hard to remember exactly when – a couple of years ago. That time seemed coiled into a tight ball and lost somewhere in the memory backyards. But still this moment was stuck in his head, with no chance to be forgotten. Poe and Ben were sitting by the X-wing and weren’t even trying to fix it any more – there was no point. They had to replace a lot of parts which they simply couldn’t afford. They did not care – they were sitting side by side and laughing. Ben couldn’t remember why – at that time everything made him smile. Perhaps, it was just Poe Dameron’s effect.

He remembered for sure – at some point Poe stopped laughing and said in a serious and heartfelt voice:

“You have insanely beautiful eyes, you know that?”

Kylo – who wasn’t Kylo yet then – choked on a mouthful of air.

“Nothing special. Just a pair of eyes.”

“No-no, they are very special! The shape and colour… I kept thinking where I have seen them before, and then it struck me - Padmé Amidala Naberrie!”

Poe was smiling both ecstatically and a bit shyly, and Kylo shivered feeling cold all of a sudden. In his family grandma was remembered a bit more often than grandpa but not so much. A lantern was always lit for her on Memory Day, but that’s it. Holographs could be found on the HoloNet. When a child, Kylo visited Naboo but just on a stopover. He never met anyone from that side of the family – and he was almost sure they would not be welcomed.

But Kylo did not say any of that out loud, but kept it to himself in order not to ruin the moment and this clumsy compliment from Dameron, and that smile of his which started fading slowly.

“Grandma was a real beauty, I look nothing like her” muttered Kylo finally, hoping it sounded as light-hearted as he wanted to.

Poe gently touched his cheek.

“You are her spitting image, trust me.”

It was just a silly moment, but for some reason they made Kylo start thinking about Naboo. He wanted to show Poe this glorious planet and share the impressions with him. Maybe, they could spend some time there – just the two of them. It was a good place to find yourself at the end of the war. At least, one could dream.

Sola looked into his eyes attentively, She could no longer walk on her own but moved around in a portable chair, so she had no problem rising to his eye-level. Sola’s eye colour was a bit dull due to her old age, but the look she gave was still piercing and intense.

She gently touched Ben’s cheek with the back of her hand – the gesture was rather strange like some kind of a ritual, the meaning of which Ben couldn’t comprehend.

“Welcome home, grandson of mine, our blood,” she said, her voice solemn.

Ben simply nodded and took a step back, directing her attention to Poe, who was standing nearby.

“This is Poe Dameron, my fiancé.”

The revenge was sweet – Ben knew that Poe hated that word, and in addition Sola clicked her tongue and gave a sly smile.

“You are from Yavin, aren’t you? Haven’t seen you, folks, in a while.”

Poe came up closer, gave Ben a quick death stare and kissed the lady’s hand in a most chivalrous manner.

“At your service, madam. Pleasure to meet you.”

“Oh, well,” Sola was quick to express her approval. “Get married here and stay for good.”

Ben swallowed quietly – he had no idea they would be so welcomed here. And that Poe and his grand-aunt would hit off right away.

Settling to live on Naboo was strange at its best. Just to be alive after the war was already strange. Ben still couldn’t adjust.

Now no one was bossing them around, urging them to stick to the schedule or making them train like there was no tomorrow, but yet he still woke up with the first light and went for a run. At this time Poe was normally still asleep – hardly had they moved to a peaceful planet, it turned out that he was no early bird, just a very disciplined man. At first, he was annoyed by his own “laziness” and kept asking Ben to wake him up, but Ben just would not do it, considering it violence against body and soul.

In the early morning hours Naboo with its fairy-tale like flora and fog looked like an over the top dream. A lot of things in Ben’s life now felt like a dream – the fact that the war was over, that he was alive and even had managed to keep all his limbs, and that Poe Dameron was with him. It was really scary to go to sleep and imagine that it was all a delusion, a hallucination, a product of his deformed imagination – and a more severe reality was awaiting him, once he woke up.

Ben clenched his teeth and chose a longer track to get rid of all the poisonous thoughts roaming in his head by the time he got back home. The ground was soft under his feet and the morning chill was hardly tangible anymore.

He turned back the moment the first bypassers started appearing in the streets. He greeted his neighbours politely, slowing down his pace. Poe was already up cooking something. He was about to turn around and greet Ben, but a tight hug from behind prevented him from doing it.

Everything went still for a moment. Ben was sweaty after his run, Poe did not care.

“Mmm, missed you,” he mumbled managing to turn around somehow and give Ben’s shoulder a gentle headbutt. He was sincere, his truth was resonating through the Force, deafening and blinding. The world seemed unreal as all this simply could not be.

“I love it when you get enough sleep,” Ben’s answer was amiss but Dameron still understood.

“It is a very pleasant state, you should try for once.”

“I get enough sleep.”

“Yes, but have you considered morning sex? When everything is so tenuous, you know…”

Ben shivered.

“Right, horrible morning breath…”

“You are not romantic at all!”

“We can do it, you know, it is still morning.”

Poe let out a sigh as if he was refusing a serious promotion or giving up his military career.

“Now, we are going to have breakfast with a kiji-fruit. I was waiting for you to start.”

“Oh, Gods, this is super-vital. Whatever would I do without the kiji-fruit?” Ben let go of Poe giving him a chaste kiss on the forehead. But Poe refused to break their embrace, pulling Ben closer in order to give him a proper kiss.

A kiji-fruit had an atrocious smell and demanded specific preparation: a frying pan heated up to eighty degrees, five drops of oil, the miserable fruit placed on the hot surface and sliced into two by a precise strike of a knife within forty seconds. If everything was done the right way, the smell would not appear, and the lucky cook would get juicy sweet pulp.

To cook it in the morning was another new ritual. An exercise aimed at improving concentration, which was much more fun than respiratory gymnastics and cuter than an alarm clock. To tell the truth, Ben and Poe had become quite addicted to the fruit, but it was the most harmless addiction in their lives.

Fits of anger had become rare. Right before their departure from the base, Doctor Kalonia approached Ben and urged him not to refuse psychological help once they were on a peaceful planet. The war was over in the outside world, but not in Ben’s head. He needed someone to help him overcome everything that had happened to him.

Ben just nodded at her smiling almost sincerely – he liked Doctor Kalonia and undoubtedly she was right about everything. Out of everyone on the base she liked Ben most of all, aside from Poe, of course. While they were saying their good-byes, she squeezed his shoulder gently but didn’t touch his face as people usually did at moments like this – and for that Ben was bloody grateful.

On Naboo he never even mentioned doctors. Sola informed them that he and Poe could ask for any help, but she did not offer anything directly respecting their personal space. Ben, in his turn, felt great shame even thinking about asking for help.

The first fit happened a couple of months after the beginning of their careless life. One moment everything was sparkling with positivity, the next – Ben was hitting the wall furiously until his knuckles bled.

“Ben, stop it!”

Ben could not remember Poe shouting like that since the meeting he would rather not remember at the moment.

He stilled breathing like an animal at bay and tried to focus on Dameron, preventing himself from falling into blind rage. Poe was standing not far from what used to be a nice coffee-table – Ben could not remember how he…

Poe took a step forward, a piece of something cracked sadly under his foot.

“Don’t come any closer,” hissed Ben through his teeth, not knowing exactly why he did not want Poe near him. He was scared, what if he would hit Poe? What if Poe would finally realize what a mistake he had made by choosing him? What if he would stay and get to the heart of Ben’s current condition?

“Benny,” Poe’s voice was gentle and firm. “Give me your hand. The right one. Please.”

Ben did not move for several seconds and then cautiously did as he had been told. Poe took his hand and examined the fingers attentively – the injuries were not deep, he had come just in time.

“What happened?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“What are you feeling?”

Ben let out an irritated sigh – he wanted to say that his hand hurt a bit, and that everything was fine. But seeing that worry in Poe’s eyes, all of a sudden he spoke the truth.

“I don’t understand.”

“What exactly?”

“Why… everything. Why did everything happen the way it happened? Why is Sola so kind to me – she is supposed to be cursing our family starting with Anakin. Why is the war over? Why did we win? Why did I survive? I didn’t even lose my hand…”

Poe suddenly pulled him closer and Ben had no other choice but to join him in this clumsy half-embrace – his almost intact hand pressed to Poe’s chest gently.

“Why are you with me?” was Ben’s final question accompanied by an ugly sniffle. He failed to notice the tears in his own eyes. The times, when he was not able to cry, were gone.

“Because I love you. Because Sola loves you. Because all the wars come to an end – some sooner, others later. Because it just happens. Just like that,” answered Poe quietly all Ben’s questions.

This is what Ben found most astounding – Poe answered him, even if the answer was “I don’t know”. He cared.

“Sola loved Anakin and she grew to love you. Yes, she feels sorry for both of us, but it’s not a bad feeling. Not humiliating. And, Gods, Ben, if only you knew how easy it is to love you.”

Ben tried to laugh but because of the tears he only managed to produce a half-strained croak.

“No, you are easy to love.”

“Well, lucky us.”

Poe did not let go of him until they were both calm. After that he silently led him to the kithen to take care of his bruised knuckles. And then said unexpectedly:

“You know, when I felt I was going crazy on service, I went to the gym and hit the close fight simulators like a madman. People were afraid to go in there with me inside. Only BB-8 was with me. Probably thought that I would go completely insane alone.”

Ben was not surprised to hear that – he had his suspicions, but still Dameron gave him an idea.

“We could go together, you know. I am hardly an adequate substitute for the perfect BB-8, but since we’re both going crazy…”

Poe narrowed his eyes, though a smile was tagging at his lips.

“You want us to spar?”

“We could. If you want to.”
“Gladly,” he came up closer and gave Ben an almost childish peck on the nose. “And you’re so much better than BB-8… In some aspects.”

“What a compliment! My ratings are through the roof!”

Poe’s laughter was one of the most pleasant sounds in the world – only his moans could rival that.

Ben did not know how he would have made it without Poe in this new world and tried to think about it as seldom as possible. To love someone was a rather weird experience without imagining all those “what ifs”. Poe Dameron was not the aim, the perfect solution to everything; he was no saint, no gift from the Gods, neither was he Ben’s only obsession, no. There was this warm feeling in his chest each time he was near and the world seemed a bit better than it really was.

Ben did not want to imagine it otherwise.

Poe often joked that after the war they would have to work as ordinary farmers, growing galactic rice, in order to make ends meet. Ben echoed that they would not be capable of growing anything – however talented they were in some areas, in others – they were completely clueless. Poe just smiled and said that together they would always come up with something. Fear recoiled after these words – a little bit.

After the war the world turned out to be less horrible than expected. The biggest issue was that Ben hated family gatherings, since during those occasions all the late relatives were meant to be brought up. Sola never pushed him and kept saying that they were free to come over whenever they felt like it. And that feeling of shame, which Ben was experiencing almost constantly, only increased from those words.

Memory Day was the worst. Some phantom pain had settled down beyond his ribs and Ben had to take light breaths to conceal it. Poe was cuddled with a comlink chatting with one of his numerous realtives from Yavin 4, and Ben was just staring mindlessly at the memorial candles. He was missing… He just could not… How could he.

Poe came up quietly from behind, took him by the hand and led Ben outside.

“And the candles?” Ben protested weakly.

“Leave them - it’s just a beautiful ritual. What’s really important is the flame inside you.”

The pressure beyond the ribs intensified and Ben clenched his teeth. They sat down beneath a massive tree – not the Force-sensitive Tree, of course, but still beautiful – shoulder to shoulder, their knees touching.

“The only things inside me for a while will be only pain, hatred and emptiness. Emptiness separate from the rest, you see…”

“I do,” was Poe’s laconic answer.

Ben just nodded.

“And I wanted this emptiness to invade everything. And was scared at the same time. And then he came around.”

Ben fell silent for a while, Poe did not press him and did not ask to continue.

“He saved me then. And I… I don’t deserve to remember him.”

Poe let out a deep sigh and touched his palm, intertwining their fingers.

“But you do remember and that’s more than enough. He was a good man and loved you dearly. This outcome would have made him very happy.”

Ben scoffed trying to swallow a lump in his throat.

“It’s very unlikely that he would have approved of all my actions.”

Poe chuckled.

“Who knows.”

They stayed under the tree till it was almost midnight without saying another word. Ben lay down, placing his head onto Poe’s lap, and listened to the flow of the Force, as he used to in his childhood. Poe was running his fingers through his hair in a comforting gesture. It was unbelievably good to stay silent with him.

Everyone knew that Commander Dameron kept having nightmares. And only Kylo knew that the Jakku accident was not even at the top of the list. Poe often dreamt that he could not save someone from his squad, that starfighters were crashing onto the ground or falling apart right in the air and that civilians were dying. There was another haunting dream about hyperspace that made him wake up screaming but Kylo failed to comprehend what was so horrible about it.

Nightmares became a rare occasion when Kylo and Poe started sleeping together. From time to time Kylo could feel a flutter of Dameron’s pain and fear, he would immediately stir up and wake up Poe as well. Poe would do the same by without using the Force – he was just a light sleeper. Since they settled down on Naboo, the nightmares had left them alone.

Ben woke up in the middle of the night, feeling suckerpunched out of his slumber. There was nobody by his side and he could not hear anyone walking about the house. Ben rubbed his eyes, waking up completely, and got up.

He walked through the house looking into every room, called Poe several times, but there was only silence. Ben pursed his lips and shut his eyes, concentrating on the Force. He and Dameron had a connection, the nature of which he could not quite grasp, and there was no one to explain it to him. After failing with a couple of teachers, Ben decided to stick to self-education.

He felt Poe’s response – he was not far, but outside the house and even outside their little garden. Ben contemplated for a moment and then darted off pausing only to put on his trainers.

Poe was walking slowly along the river when Ben found him. He was moving as usual but still swaying a bit and not looking around. His first momentum was to shout at the top of his lungs but by some miracle Ben remembered that it was best of all not to wake up people in this condition.

He approached Poe, taking him gently by the hand, and pulled, changing the trajectory of his movement towards the house. Poe followed him obediently.

Very slowly they reached their destination, Ben kept saying some silly stuff along the way, that soon they would be home and everything would be fine, more for the sake of comforting himself. Poe was still in that strange condition. If Ben couldn’t feel him through the force, he would have gone mad.

Once inside the house, Ben picked him up clumsily as if he was a lifeless dummy, and carried him into their bedroom. Poe went limp in his arms, his head hanging low a bit. This looked more like a deep sleep.

Ben tucked him in, went to fetch a towel and cleaned his feet, which were covered with dirt. Then he lay down beside him watching Poe’s face and breathing intently, sleep failing to find him until the first morning light.

It had never happened before. Doctor Kalonia would have definitely warned Ben about it and supplied him with all the necessary recommendations. And pure logic suggested that a man, suffering from somnambulism, could not be sent on dangerous missions.
Poe woke up when the sun was already above the horizon. He calmly inspected himself, the room and Ben.

“Have I been sleep-walking?” it was more of a clarification rather than a question.

Ben nodded.

“Has it happened before?”

“Once,” said Poe thoughtfully. “A year after my mother’s death. Nothing foretold: I fell asleep in my bed, woke up by a frozen river with my father shivering in horror.”

“A river?”

“Yes. And this time too?”

Ben let out a deep breath and scooted closer. He was too tired after that night to deal with anything right now. He drew Poe closer and closed his eyes.

“Go to sleep, it’s still early. We can sleep as long as we want.”

“Benny, I…”

“Tomorrow. I mean, technically today but we’ll talk about it later.”

Poe nodded, fiddled about a bit getting comfortable and faltered under Ben’s arm.

When Ben woke up again, it was too light outside, it was far past midday. He was alone in bed yet again, but water splashing could be clearly heard from the bathroom. Ben smiled looking at the ceiling. His head was heavy but his body felt well-rested. Perhaps, Poe was right – sometimes it was worth sleeping in, at least at the weekend.

Ben went into the bathroom stripping on his way there and stepped in the shower – water was not a problem on Naboo. Poe silently nestled his head against his chest and hugged his waist, Ben hugged him back.

“At night, I thought I had lost you. Even when I saw you there by the river, it seemed that something terrible had happened, something I wouldn’t be able to fix.”

Poe’s arms tightened around him as if he was a scared child, and Ben patted his wet hair.

“I think saying that it’ll never happen again would be too presumptuous of me?”

Ben chuckled. Telling your almost husband that you both need to see a psychiatrist when you were standing in the shower, completely naked in each other’s arms – not the best idea.

“I guess, I can’t fly anymore,” confessed Poe.

“Hush, stop it. Anyone can encounter PTSD, you know that.”

“One thing is PTSD, the other is facing consequences like that.”

Ben sighed heavily.

“Honey, look at me. We’ve been through so much and managed to stay sane. Do you really think we won’t be able to survive in this post-war world?”

Poe snorted without raising his head.

“Well, you know when the gears in your head are already a bit rusty…”

“Those are some tough gears. The best of them all. Do you believe me?”

“Yes, but… I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I’m falling and drowning.”

“Same here. And do you know what I do? I cling to you.”

Poe looked into his eyes for the first time during their conversation.

“Everything will be all right,” Ben’s voice was filled with tenderness, as he was feeling the truth in his words, the Force and himself. “We will be so very fine.”

That morning it was Ben’s turn to cook breakfast. And while he was trying to figure out how to cook something special, something they could improve their mood, Poe was sitting at the table browsing the news and looking through the mail.

“They’ve formed the Senate after all.”

“Wow, and a year has not gone by…”

“Don’t be mean. This is a really important matter.”

Ben only gave an irritated scoff – he could not care less about politics now.

“Rey’s sent us a letter. She sends her love and asks if we’re still alive here.”

“What do you mean? Haven’t we died of boredom?”

“Exactly.”

“Hilarious.”

Ben felt a gentle accusing look on his skin and turned around. Poe was smiling in a way that made him look completely unreal: holy, magical, a hallucination. Ben knew it was not like that.

“Tell Rey, if she’s planning to visit, we’ll most certainly have to kick her out of this boredom back to work.”

Poe made a funny face and stuck out his tongue, and then got back to his datapad.

“Oh, there’s a letter here… Benny, look! Jess is inviting us to her wedding. We’ve got two weeks to prepare. Are we going?”

Ben paused, processing this information. He would have to talk to Sola, Poe was about to start looking for a job, and he wanted to go back to school, and in the upshot a visit to the doctor was long overdue.

“Let’s go,” said Ben firmly looking directly into Poe’s eyes. “But you’re going to pilot.”

Dameron was about to say something, and even opened his mouth, but Ben interrupted him hurriedly.

“And for the present – we’ll collect some kiji-fruit for her.”

Poe was laughing as if he, following Ben’s cue, had put all his troubles aside.

“That’s just perfect.”

Ben felt the same way.