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They were on a United flight from Houston to Denver. This wasn’t just the four of them and a handful of Johnson support staff doing facility tours and local press.
This was a big deal.
Red Rocks held almost 10,000 people, Jimi Hendrix had played there, U2, the Beatles. A massive team from JSC were headed out alongside them to this; it would not be inaccurate to suppose NASA employees made up over half the people on the flight manifest.
A big deal.
Reid knew if Christina let herself think about it too much she’d be spiralling so he’d kept an eye on her from the time she’d cleared security at George Bush Intercontinental. She hated attention, it was almost a cruel curse that she was such a flawless public speaker, she chose her words deliberately, precisely, she was always candid, engaging and sincere. The public loved her. She sat 4 rows ahead of him with Bob, Raegan was sitting next to him with Katey and Ashley Hansen in the row directly in front.
There had been hotel check in, an organized group dinner with everyone in the hotel restaurant, Catherine and Jeremy had invited her and Bob on a walk after dinner, she’d showered and straightened her hair. She’d tried to sleep. She didn’t really.
He kept clocking her at breakfast. She’d been too quiet all morning. They’d been delivered credentials in the hotel lobby in a manila envelope before getting on a shuttle, Victor distributed the ones to the crew and gave the family and friend passes to Catherine to deal with. Reid watched her fumble with the lanyard with the laminated badge, turning it over and over with restless nervous fingers. There were too many people here. She wouldn’t look at him.
At the venue once their families had been escorted to seats, he continued to watch her in his periphery.
He saw her step out of the green room into the hallway, he double checked to make sure no one saw as he exited after her. He didn’t have to go far. There she was leaned up against a concrete wall, eyes on the ceiling, breathing slowly. He clocked a single unisex bathroom fifteen feet away. He looked both directions scanning up and down the hallway before closing the distance between them, grabbing her wrist gently, pulling her expeditiously towards the bathroom door. She was too surprised to speak, and he was focused on getting them concealed somewhere. As he shut the door to the small bathroom he flicked on the lights she broke the silence with a simple “Reid?” He had dropped her wrist and was staring at her, staring through her really, searching trying to piece something together.
“What’s going on with you?” He asked gently, holding her eye contact, knowing that under any other circumstance his first instinct would be to touch her. He was always touching everyone, it was his way, something he involuntarily did, but in this moment he gave her space.
“Everything is so loud Reid,” she offered.
“I know, it’s a lot.” He agreed, before adding, “you can always talk to me.”
She diverts her eyes, turns away from him a bit, and sighs.
“I didn’t expect it to change my life,” she concedes, “I knew the mission would impact me but it’s changed everything. Things I didn’t even think of. Things I can’t change back now. I’m scared of everything Reid. I used to be fearless. I’ve survived some pretty harrowing things, and now I’m scared to go to the grocery store. It’s so uncharted.”
“You’ve always pushed past fear, you’ll do it again with this.”
“I’m scared of you.”
“What?” He smiles moving to her gently, she recoils the tiniest bit, “oh you’re serious?”
He’s hurt. She’s hurt him. Great job Christina, she thinks to herself. He’s never been anything but supportive, kind, steadfast. And she’s just hurt him.
“No. It’s not…I’m not…” she sighs angry at herself.
“Talk to me,” he softly encourages closing the distance slightly.
“I’m not scared of you. I’m scared of how I feel about you.”
“And that’s changed since the mission?” He asks
“Yes and no Reid.”
“I’m trying to understand.”
“I know you are, so am I. It’s confusing.”
They stay in silence for a minute before she reaches for him, she tentatively pulls herself into his body and he checks with her before placing his hands on her, he’s never checked before.
“I’m sorry, I’ve just changed us too,” she sadly states, “you were scared to touch me.”
“I’m not scared to touch you,” he smiles, “I like touching you.”
“Reid,” she half laughs against his chest before offering, “I just have all these feelings and I’m not sure where to put them.”
“That’s ok you know?” He sighs into the crown of her head.
“It’s not really,” she admits.
“It’s part of being human,” he reasons.
“I guess so but I can’t keep trying to out run them, out work them, out orbit them,” she muses.
“The attention is hard for you, I already know that, so that’s a piece of what’s wrong. I suppose a ten thousand person amphitheater isn’t helping…”
She lets herself lace closer to him,
“I don’t love the idea of it, but I also know that’s not the only thing bothering me.”
“You need to talk to someone, it doesn’t need to be me, maybe it shouldn’t even be me if I’m the one making things difficult… scary…”
“Reid, I told you, I’m not scared of you.”
“What feelings Christina?” He asks gently.
She sighs heavily, tears threatening to prick at her eyes but she swallows them back.
“This is all winding down. I’m scared of losing touch. Jeremy’s already moving away in October, Victor is maybe the only one I can reconcile because he’s already so introspective and detached, or maybe it’s because we were 8 balls together and we’ve completed this stage before and moved on, I know what it’s like to evolve with him, and then there’s you, and I… I’ve known you for so long Reid, after Carroll passed, when you were chief of the astronaut office and I was supposed to be your subordinate and you only ever treated me as an equal and then we were assigned this, and I can’t breathe when I think about not working with you again. And I’m angry at myself for feeling things so deeply.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” he admits, “I’m not leaving NASA, I’m not going to pretend we didn’t go through what we went through together, we have that shared history, we’ll have that for the rest of our lives. Like it or not. You’re part of it Christina.”
He doesn’t hold her closer, he lets her make every movement.
“It’s more than that Reid,” she whispers quietly.
“Tell me.” He coaxes.
“It’s this,” she gestures to his frame, her frame, their bodies, “I have tried for years to ignore it. But it’s there, it’s been contained and careful but it’s there. It shouldn’t be but it is. And I hate myself for it, and I try to make it go away, I try to actively remove myself, but you make it so hard. I know it’s not your fault. I’m scared of you because I am never quite sure how I will respond to you. I can’t define you Reid. You’ve never been just my colleague, my friend, my boss, my crewmate.”
It's silent for what feels like an age.
“You aren’t alone in those feelings you know,” he confesses, he moves one hand gently across her shoulders trying to comfort her.
“What?” She whispers breathless before looking up trying to find his eyes.
“You think I’m not at least sometimes mesmerized by you? That brain, and the way you speak, your perfect little frame and that smile,” he lists honestly, “I shouldn’t be, you’re not mine to feel that way about, but sometimes I do. Of course I do.”
He leans in and presses his forehead to hers, “I’m not going anywhere ok? You’re stuck with me, for life, in whatever capacity we decide this warrants. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me what’s going on in that brilliant head of yours. We’ll keep talking through it,”
“Reid I want you to touch me,” she whimpers. He knows what she means, she wants all the things they think about doing to one another and never admit to out loud.
“Not in a cold dirty amphitheatre bathroom Christina, if I’m blowing up both of our lives spectacularly I’m going to do it someplace a lot nicer.” He teases, “I also know once you see Bob’s beaming face in the audience, this will dissipate in importance.” he’s still running his hand across her shoulder while his other is anchored to the small of her back.
The guilt hits both of them in waves.
He looks in her eyes, searching, a little desperate, complicated longing, and confusion.
“Fuck it,” he smiles “one kiss.”
He moves in and she leans up balancing her weight against his chest. His lips find hers hungry, years of need and want behind every movement. She whimpers through a breath and it only encourages him further, his fingers move from the small of her back and dig into her hip squeezing her tighter, the hand on her shoulder moves to her neck to press her closer. He’s suddenly smiling against her lips, slowly deescalating things before it gets carried away, he gently presses a few more soft measured kisses to her lips before pulling away.
His hands cup her face,
“We will talk about this when we get back to Houston. No more running. No more orbiting,” He states.
She nods in agreement.
“But for now we have ten thousand people to go talk to about the moon.”