Work Text:
The Deetz
Virgil sighed as he looked at the house. He knew this wasn’t going to work. He glanced at his father and his “life coach” unpacking as if they were just moving for the hell of it instead of because…he didn’t want to think about it. After Virgil pushed *him* from his mind, he dropped his bag on the porch and went to help with the couch when he had an idea.
Janus rolled his eyes at the movers, tapping his foot impatiently. “Come on now, I’m not paying you to stand around here.” Roman was already fussing with the decor, getting straight to unpacking. (That was the only thing straight about him.)
As the final piece of furniture is dragged in, Janus notices a human shaped lump under a blanket. He immediately knows who it is and huffs. After dismissing the movers, he sneaks up behind the couch and yanks the blanket off. There Virgil is, laying with his arms crossed over his chest, eyes closed, and tongue out.
“Hey Dad, does this couch make me look dead?” Virgil deadpans. Janus pinches the bridge of his nose. “You’re a bit too old to be playing hide and seek, hmm?”. Roman, (being the idiot he is), goes to sit down without looking and shrieks when he sees Virgil. Virgil smirks. Just the reaction he’d been hoping for.
At this point, Janus’s nerves are frayed. Between his unique son and Roman, he can’t hear himself think. “Virgil, darling, don’t you have unpacking to do? Go up in the attic, the previous residents probably have some stuff left up there.”
As Virgil departs grumbling, Janus turns to Roman. “Are you seriously that scared of him?” Roman pouts. Janus sighs again. “Look. You’re here to be his role model or his outlet. I'm paying you to be his life coach, Roman. I need you to help him. Please.” Roman huffs. “I thought you liked having me around for more than some glorified therapist.”
Janus is getting so close to smacking this man. “I do, but your prime focus should be on the one you’re actually coaching.” Roman tosses his hair and walks off, leaving Janus in the quiet. Janus exhales, already done with his son and secret lover.
The Maitlands
2 days earlier…
Patton barrels into the open door excitedly. “Logan! Guess what!?”. Logan looks up from the synopsis he’s writing and raises an eyebrow. “What is it, Patton?”
Patton practically beams. “They have this new kind of jam at the store, and the logo was so cute, I bought 6 jars!”
Logan shudders at the thought of trying something that isn’t a safe food. “What is this ‘cute’ logo?” He asks. Patton holds up a jar of Crofters jam. Logan’s pupils dilate and he snatches the jar from Patton before analyzing the ingredient list. “CROFTER'S-” Logan catches himself and coughs. “I mean, this is an adequate selection of food. I shall go…prepare us sandwiches.”
As Logan walks to the kitchen, he hears a shrill cackle. He whips his head around, only to see nothing there. “Must be a show Patton’s watching.”
Patton sets the jam on the counter before humming and putting on a record. The bag of jam rustles and Patton looks towards it. A jar of jam is out, but Patton swore he never took any from the bag. He shrugs and turns back to the coloring book he’s using.
Logan glances at Patton coloring and lets out a soft smile. He loves quiet moments like these, no craziness or anything loud. Just the two existing together in silence. Logan grabs a jar of jam out of the bag and the cutting knife to slice the loaf of beard on the counter.
Then, something peculiar happens. The bag of jam tips over and jar after jar seems to roll out by itself...right under Logan's foot. (hehehehe) and- Hey! What's going on? (Oh, shut up!) Wait, are you going to hit me with that?!- *thump*
Ugh, finally! Now that that gay little nobody of a narrator is out of the way, you can see what really happens. I’m Morningstar, beloved host, feared demon, sexiest man in hell, and your guide to the other side! Right now, these two glasses gays have no idea they’re about to meet me.
I make my way up beside the sexy nerd...I mean, Logan and nudge him, hoping he actually feels it. To my luck, he does and he drops the jar and it shattered into very sharp shards. Logan sighs, sets the knife on the edge of the counter and steps forward, only to slip on the jar underfoot and fall...his chest directly on top of the glass shards. Ha! Sucker should have watched his step.
Patton bursts into the kitchen "Logan??? What's wrong?" He sees Logan on the floor and lets out a panicked yelp. Blinded by his concern for our dearly (departed) friend, he doesn't see the jam and trips as well. He doesn't land right on the shards, thanks to Logan, but the commotion knocks the knife right off the counter and...you guessed it! Plunged itself into Patton's back. You'd think someone would be more careful if their husband is face down on the floor, huh?
Suddenly, a book pops onto the table. I smirk and make my way over to it. "Handbook for the Recently Deceased". I grab it and toss it into the fire. Oops. My hand must has slipped. A faint humming emits from their bodies. Oh! That's my cue!
end Chapter 1 :)