Chapter Text
I’m glad it was you who read it. I’m glad I wrote it.
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The teacher’s faint voice accompanies Odette as she writes down the last of her ideas in her notebook, only to pull her out of her thoughts with a firm call of her name followed by ‘’Read the next paragraph.’’
She puts down her pen and stands up with her book in hand, her eyes trying to catch a glimpse of where they were from the boy sitting in front of her.
‘’It’s the fourth paragraph,’’ a small voice comes from her right. She spends a second looking at the source of the help from the side of her eye hushing her with a smile, and another second turning away to start reading.
As she thought, she really is no good dealing with this kind of person.
It’s lunch time, students forming groups to eat together while talking about whatever. Odette takes out her own simple lunch.
Well, not like she is good with dealing with any kind of person.
‘’Odette!’’ It’s the same soft voice from earlier, ‘’Would you like to eat with us?’’
She feels her already small appetite suddenly leaving her body alongside her strength to remain in the classroom. Vodyanitsa is waiting for her answer with a perfect smile, her friends looking uninterested behind unlike her. She is startled as Odette passes by her without a word with her head down.
‘’I’m sorry. I’m sorry…’’ Thoughts race in her brain until there is no one in sight, ‘’It’s better if I’m alone.’’ Her hand finally lets go of the cardigan she was clutching to, ‘’So I never… hurt anyone else again.’’
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Enter.
‘’...It’s done.’’
She puts down the last paper on the stack.
‘’I’ve finally finished it. My first and last novel.’’
It feels uneasy to admit to being the owner of the novel out loud. She scrolls from top to the bottom of the last page before leaving, starting to delete each chapter from finish to start. ‘’With this, everything ends. Now all that’s left is to…’’
The mouse comes to a halt when she reaches the last file. She still isn’t used to how sharply her body goes off track. A knot appears in her throat as fast as the loss of her appetite earlier. The sound of cicadas is replaced by her violent heartbeat. Her hand clutches her chest in a weak attempt to ease, but Odette knows that the only remedy is to follow through the plan.
‘’I can do this.’’
For the last time, she types the title in the search bar. The same comments stare right back at her until Odette leans down on her seat to allow herself to breathe. Her flowy shirt behaves as if it’s suffocating her.
‘’No…’’
How was this approved? What a disgrace. Gross. Never write again. Disgusting. What a pile of garbage. Failure.
She pushes through the knot in her throat and picks up the mouse once more, clicking the page away.
‘’I want to end it properly. The thing I would do once I finished my novel. To… myself.’’
With one last click, the novel is deleted.
Her eyes wander to the stack of piles next to her computer. She has to get rid of the existence of her novel, until the comments are the only evidence remaining. It’s all she knows; actions disappear with time but their consequences do not.
‘’If I throw it in our trash someone else might find it… I shouldn’t have used notebook pages for the draft… I can’t just leave it somewhere random… Maybe…’’
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It’s trash collection day, she should be fine.
The words on the paper are harder to read than it was to read.
‘’Once I throw this away… I…’’
‘’Odette!’’
The papers slip from her grasp as the sudden noise catches her by surprise. It’s Vodyanitsa, the girl who sits next to her.
‘’I was on my way home when I noticed you here, Odette.’’ Her gaze drifts to the ground, ‘’Hm? What’s this here?’’
‘’Ah.’’ Odette can’t stop her eyes from widening as Vodyanitsa bends down to pick up the papers. ‘’That…’’ Why does she struggle to get the words out when she needs to the most?
‘’This is bad.’’
‘’Did you drop it when I surprised you? I’m so sorry! Hopefully it didn’t get dirty…’’
‘’Ah. Vodyanitsa…’’ Odette has to stop her before it’s too late. She has to keep her promise to herself. So why does she struggle to get the words out or move her hands when she needs to the most?
‘’Oh..?’’
‘’She’s gonna see it…’’ Helplessness holds Odette hostage like never before. Its familiar shackles prevent her from taking the papers away from the girl before her and tearing them to shreds. She can only stay back with a tentative hand reaching forward, trying to push herself to act. However, time is as merciless as Vodyanitsa.
‘’This…’’
‘’Vodyanitsa! We are gonna leave you behind!’’ The cheerful voices of their classmates finally pull Odette out of her prison.
‘’I’ll be there in a sec!’’
‘’I’m saved..?’’
‘’Sorry, Odette. But I’ll be borrowing these.’’
‘’What?’’
‘’I’ll bring it back tomorrow!’’
As Vodyanitsa leaves with the papers in hand, Odette is once again reminded that somebody else will never be the one to save her.
‘’You have to be joking…’’
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Even Laika notices the usually fit Odette’s slow pace today, turning to her with as much concern as a dog can show. The anxiety does not stop in just her mind but also affects her breathing. She takes a minute to pet her companion’s head and apologizes to her before picking up the pace.
‘’This is the worst. Vodyanitsa’s the most popular girl in class, friends with everyone. I have no idea what’s on her mind. I don’t know what she plans on doing with that novel. It’s pretty obvious it’s a novel once you take a look at it. She’ll probably read it. Once she reads that depressing story, Vodyanitsa will…’’
Her constricted chest eased with a bark, circling around her legs. She pet the dog’s head once more with a weak smile and ‘’Thank you, Laika.’’ It’s time to walk back home.
‘’I’ll ask Vodyanitsa to return the novel first thing at school tomorrow. That means I’ll have to talk to her…’’
Laika leaned in for more ear rubs, ‘’Talking to her… I wonder if I can do it…’’
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‘’I ended up coming here pretty early since I couldn’t sleep,’’ the girl put down her bag on her desk, ‘’Way too early…’’
‘’Good morning!’’
‘’Vodyanitsa!’’
‘’You were the first one to arrive, do you always come at this hour?’’
Her slightly long nails hurt when she clenched her fist. ‘’I have to do it now.’’
‘’There is usually no one else at this time, right?’’
‘’I have to do it before she says anything else.’’
‘’Please throw it away.’’
Vodyanitsa turns to her from putting her back bag down, looking confused. ‘’It?’’
‘’From yesterday…’’
‘’Are you talking about the novel?’’ She comes to stand in front of Odette, ‘’I could never throw away something like that!’’
‘’But…’’
‘’Ah right, I wanted to talk to you about it! What I thought about it!’’
A knife-like twist in her heart takes the author’s breath away. She doesn’t have enough seconds to prepare herself for the repetition of those comments. She isn’t even certain if she could hear Vodyanitsa’s voice over her frantic heartbeat. Her eyes close on their own, betraying the owner of the body, despite Odette trying to keep them open.
Her hand making an attempt to hold over her chest gets held by Vodyanitsa instead.
‘’It was incredible, Odette!’’
Her eyes open.
‘’So incredible…’’
‘’What?’’
‘’I’m serious, your novel was beautiful!’’ A soft pink adorns the girl’s cheeks, ‘’The choice of words was exquisite. And although it was a sad story, I felt like I could relate to it. Especially in the last-’’
‘’Are you sure you’re not confusing it with some other novel?’’
The passionate look on Vodyanitsa’s face is replaced with a puzzled one.
‘’That dark, immature novel that would make any reader embarassed, a novel like that can’t possibly…’’
Vodyanitsa doesn’t let go of Odette’s hands.
‘’No, I’m not mistaken. I’m sure of it. That’s how ı really felt reading your novel, Odette.’’
A smile is accompanied by a gentle squeeze. ‘’It really touched me.’’
‘’Especially the last scene,’’ The girl doesn’t ask for permission when interlocking their fingers. ‘’When they hold hands like this and spend their last moments next to each other. It actually made me tear up a little…’’
‘’Feeling her body heat through my hands. Those lightly swollen eyes. A voice that I’ve never heard her use in class. Those words she said to me. There is not a hint of deception in them…’’
‘’Even if it was something you wanted to get rid of, Odette, it ended up being precious to me. So you shouldn’t be so insecure about the novel I loved so much.''
A tear escapes from Odette’s eye.
‘’Ah! Odette?’’
Tears quickly subside with the girl’s efforts to stop them, Vodyanitsa looking for a tissue in her bag while Odette wipes them away with the back of her hand.
‘’The main reason I wrote that novel was simply for my own self satisfaction. It wasn’t meant for somebody else’s eyes. So I wanted to make it disappear. Like I had never written it. So why do I…’’ Vodyanitsa’s hand finds hers once more after handing the tissue, ‘’Feel so happy..?’’
‘’Have the tears stopped?’’
‘’Ah, yes…’’
‘’How long has it been since I cried in front of someone? How shameful…’’
‘’So, when’s the next one?’’ Vodyanitsa leans her face towards the other girl, ‘’What’s it going to be about?
‘’Oh…’’
‘’I loved this one but it’d also be nice to have a happy ending in the next one. Maybe a happy romance…’’
‘’Ah…’’
‘’I wanna read more of your stories, Odette!’’
‘’That makes me really happy… But…’’
‘’I’m sorry. I don’t plan on writing anything else…’’
‘’..Why?’’ Vodyanitsa’s eyes widen before narrowing into sadness, ‘’Don’t stop. Keep writing, Odette. Please…’’
Vodyanitsa’s hands tremble in hers.
‘’But… I have nothing else to write about…’’
‘’You mean, you have no ideas?’’
‘’Yes…’’ Odette says. ‘’Maybe that’ll convince her…’’
‘’In that case…’’ Vodyanitsa’s free hand reaches to cup Odette’s cheek, ‘’Let’s start going out. You and I.’’ Her fingers messily toy with the front strands framing the author’s face. ‘’You can write a story about our own love.’’
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And so it began, the first and last summer we spent together.