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At age five, Charlotte Isobel Matthews, knew only one thing for certain.
She hated sharing.
Okay, so maybe she knew more than that one thing but that was the thing she focused on today.
She was an only child which meant her toys had only ever been hers. Her toys were only hers. Her plates and cutlery and her clothes were only hers. Her bedroom was only hers. She had staff to play with her when she was bored and to give her the clothes she wanted and to drop the things she told them to drop.
Everything in the house was Lottie’s. Her blanket and the little deer plush Father brought home from his work trip to Canada last year and all the books on her bookshelf about dragons and princesses and brave knights with swords saving the day.
They were all Lottie’s and Lottie had never needed to share anything so she didn't. It was that simple. Lottie didn’t need to share so she didn’t. She didn’t want to share so she didn't.
At five years old, her world expanded from the house and Dad’s private jet and Dad’s big office. At five years old, in a pink t-shirt and pretty skirt, Lottie Matthews walked into kindergarten.
There were so many more things to be hers at kindergarten.
The seat by the window on the green table was Lottie’s. The blue beanbag in the reading corner was Lottie’s. The pink crayon and the yellow coloured pencil. The coat hook in the very corner and storybook with the red dragon and fairy princess on the cover.
They were all Lottie’s and she made sure everyone knew it.
She snatched the pink crayon back from Taissa Turner when she needed it for her big monster drawing. She shoved Jackie Taylor to the ground for trying to take the blue beanbag. Jeffrey Sadecki got Lottie’s teeth prints in his wrist for trying to use the yellow pencil and Randy Walsh got tripped in the lunch line because he used Lottie’s coat hook.
“Really,” Miss Baker said a month before kindergarten ended to Mr and Mrs Matthews as they awkwardly sat in the too-small plastic chairs that Lottie and her classmates usually used,” Lottie is a sweet girl. She’s very smart and she does what she’s asked without arguing. But…”
“But?” Mr Matthews prompted.
“There are some sharing issues we’re having,” Miss Baker confessed,” Lottie doesn’t like to share.”
“Is that true, Charlotte? You won’t share?”
“I share,” Lottie said primly,” But my things are mine. I don’t have to share my things.”
“That’s my girl!”
Evidently, that wasn’t the answer Miss Baker was looking for because when she came to collect the class from the playground the next day and led them into the classroom, there was someone in Lottie’s seat.
She was tiny, at least in comparison to Lottie. Lottie was the tallest out of everyone in the class, even the boys. This girl wasn’t anywhere near Lottie’s height. She was small and kind of thin. Father might have even called her runty if he'd been there.
If anyone else was sitting in Lottie’s seat, she might have bitten them. She might have shoved them out of the seat or off the monkey bars in the playground. At some point between anger curling in her stomach by the classroom door and actually getting to her now occupied seat, Lottie decided she didn't want to do either of those things.
Instead, she crossed her arms over her chest like she’d seen Mom do and waited.
And waited…
And waited…
The girl looked at her. Lottie looked at the girl. Neither of them said anything.
For good measure, Lottie pouted and stamped her foot.
Still, the girl said nothing.
Miss Baker was practically preening as she knelt between the two girls. “Charlotte,” She said gently,” This is Natalie. Natalie, this is Charlotte.”
“That’s my seat!”
“Charlotte,” Miss Baker said,” We talked about sharing didn't we?”
“I share! Just not my seat! It’s mine!”
Miss Baker winced at the glare Lottie sent her way. It was a glare Lottie had perfected from her father, sitting in his fun spinning chair in his endless meetings where everyone always did everything wrong. It was that same glare she levelled at her teacher now.
“Charlotte-”
Lottie ignored her, eyes snapping right back to the thief in her seat. Up close, the girl was definitely small. She might even be the smallest in the class apart from Jackie, who kept saying she was going to grow taller than everyone else but Lottie doubted that. Her hair was a mess, an unkempt mop of brown that looked like it had been hacked out by a knife rather than a pair of scissors.
Her eyes were blue though. Lottie liked blue. Blue was her favourite colour. She’d never seen this kind of blue before but it was really nice. She leaned a little closer. A small smattering of freckles lived under that girl’s blue eyes, a little faint and faded but it reminded Lottie of the pretty porcelain dolls at Nana’s house that she was sometimes allowed to take out of boxes and touch.
She thrust her hand forward and puffed out her chest. “I’m Lottie.”
But still, silence.
“Natalie’s moved here from Italy,” Miss Baker said,” She doesn’t know English. I thought it might be nice if you could be her friend for this week? Show her around? Help her settle in?”
Natalie was in her seat. She was sitting in Lottie’s seat in silence. Lottie should have bitten her. She should have bitten her and pushed her and told her to not take things that didn’t belong to her. But Natale had blue eyes. Lottie always thought her favourite colour was pink but she must have been lying to herself. Blue was her favourite colour. Natalie had blue eyes and cute freckles and a messy haircut.
“I can look after Natalie,” She said, taking the seat next to her.
“That’s my seat,” Danny Mears grumbled and Lottie levelled her glare at him instead.
“It’s my seat now.”
“No! It’s mine!"
She got in trouble for pushing Danny Mears off the seat but the giggle she was rewarded with by Natalie made it all the more better.
Lots of things belonged to Lottie in her little five year old mind. Her seat in class, the one that used to be Danny Mears’. The blue beanbag in the reading corner. The pink crayon and yellow pencil. Her books at home and her toys. The navy towel that no one else was allowed to use for their baths and the hammock out in the garden nobody used but her. They were just things. They weren’t living and breathing people.
None of them had blue eyes and cute freckles. None of them were small with thin arms. None of them wore boy shorts and shirts with holes in them. None of them spoke in slurred, accented English and had warm hands for Lottie to hold.
None of them were Natalie Scatorccio with her mischievous grin and dyed blonde hair. None of them were Natalie Scatorccio and the way she smiled whenever Lottie slid her hand into hers.
Natalie Scatorccio had been Lottie’s since they were five and forced together because Miss Baker thought Lottie needed to learn how to share.
Natalie Scatorccio had been Lottie’s ever since they got married under the slide during recess.
Lottie jerked awake to the sound of her alarm, shrill and annoying and just what she needed to wake up every morning. It shattered the usual silence of the empty house and Lottie forced herself to get up.
“Miss Charlotte,” Came the rapping knock on the door,” You have school in forty-five minutes. Breakfast’s on the table.”
The start of every school year was the same. Lottie dragged herself from the warm comfort of her bed. She trudged downstairs to the elaborate spread the maid had cooked up. She got in her car, pulled up to the school building with fifteen minutes to spare, and waited.
She went through the familiar motions this morning too, drumming her hands on the steering wheel as she parked in her usual spot. Last year, she’d almost gotten suspended for confronting the poor underclassman that had parked there instead. It was better she got here early so no one tried anything.
The first day was always slow going.
The parking lot filled slowly. Everyone was still trying to shake off the cobwebs of summer vacation. Lottie watched them all. Jeff Sadecki and his stupid friends pulling up in his daddy’s latest car. Jackie and Shauna carpooling. Tai giving Van a ride from the trailer park. Coach Martinez with Travis slamming his door shut after him. Mari and her car full of cousins and siblings. There was Misty and Crystal, dropped off by Misty’s parents before the car went screeching out of the lot.
Lottie watched them all. She watched the walkers too. Gen on foot and Melissa next to her on a skateboard. Akilah with Britt and Robin, chaining up their bikes in the shed before hurrying into the building. Laura Lee jogging up the steps to join them with a smile on her face.
Lottie watched them all, her fingers drumming the steering wheel as she watched and waited for a familiar head of blonde hair and black leather jacket. She glanced at the clock then back out her window again.
Still, nothing.
The door slammed shut behind her as she ducked behind the building towards the bins.
“Lottie!” Cheered Kevyn Tan, clearly tipsy despite the early morning and definitely high if the smell was anything to go by. He tipped his imaginary hat and earned a laugh from his fellow potheads, each one looking just as dazed and out of it as he did, leaning up against the bins or just flat sprawled out onto the floor. “Pleasure to see you! How’s your summer?”
Even in senior year, Lottie was still taller than most of the guys in the school and the ones she wasn’t, were hardly that much taller. Kevyn was tall but weedy. He had no muscle and Lottie was still fresh off summer conditioning for soccer. It was easy to grab a hold of his shirt and shove him up against the wall.
“Where is she?!” She demanded without a preamble. She had exactly eight minutes before she needed to get to her home room. She could spend three of those minutes with the potheads out the back, two of them walking across the school building and still make it to home room with three minutes to spare.
Kevyn didn’t react to her hands on him. He didn't react at all, more than used to Lottie’s particular brand of force. He took another puff of his joint and, politely, blew the smoke off to the side so Lottie didn’t get a face full of it.
“Haven’t seen her.”
“Bullshit.”
“Honest.” Kevyn held his hands up like that was proof enough. His hands were absolutely filthy, stained with nicotine and grime that Lottie didn’t really want to know where from. “Her flight was delayed. I don’t know where she is.”
Lottie ground her teeth so forcefully she wouldn’t be surprised if Kevyn could hear it.
She released him none too kindly and turned on her heel. “If I find out you’re lying to me-”
“I wouldn’t.”
“Hmm.”
Delayed.
Lottie turned the word over in her mind slowly.
She didn’t usually hate summer vacation. Summer vacation was fun. Summer vacation meant sleeping in and relaxing and unfettered access to Lottie’s favourite person in the world. Summer vacation meant Natalie over each and every day, sleeping in Lottie’s bed and eating Lottie’s food and letting Lottie orbit her like the moon.
Summer vacation was relaxing by the pool and seeing Nat in a bikini and going to the country club with Nat on her guest pass and seeing Nat hot and sweaty when they played a pickup game of soccer at the park. Summer vacation was watching Nat pull up her shirt to wipe her face and see the rivulets of sweat roll down her stomach and wishing she could drop to her feet and lick and-
A twinge of annoyance covered Lottie’s face as she stepped into the classroom, drawn out of her daydreams with a snap. Her blood boiled. This was the same homeroom classroom as last year. It was the exact same people in her homeroom as last year.
Danny Mears was sitting in her seat.
He knew it was her seat yet he was still sitting in it.
She’d chosen it for a reason last year. It was perfect.
It was in the very back row so Lottie could doodle in her notebook without the teacher catching her. It was one seat to the right of the window seat. The window seat was Nat’s. She liked looking out the window when she was meant to be paying attention to the teacher. Lottie chose her seat because it meant no one else could sit next to Nat and now Danny Mears was ruining that.
“That’s my seat.”
He looked up at her and scoffed. "It's just a seat, Lottie."
"It's my seat,” Lottie said again,” It was my seat last year and it’s my seat now.”
“Are you kidding?” He gestured dismissively over to Nat’s seat. “There’s a spare right there.”
“That’s Nat’s seat.”
“Do you see her anywhere? It’s first come, first serve.”
“Get out of my seat.”
“You tell him, Lot,” Mari muttered from her spot in the row in front, balanced on the back legs of her chair and buffing her nails.
“It’s my seat!”
Lottie stepped closer. Unlike Kevyn Tan, Danny Mears never grew to be taller than her. She loomed over him, face set in a harsh line as she slammed her palm down onto the desk. If the classroom wasn’t filling up with students, he’d have probably pissed himself. Lottie took that as a win as she settled back into her seat.
“Should have hit him,” Mari murmured as she passed back Lottie’s class schedule,” Bastard deserves it.”
“He isn’t worth getting in trouble over.”
“Sure, Lot.” Mari passed over Nat’s too and Lottie skimmed over it.
Mr Jenkins was giving the same welcome back spiel all the teachers gave so Lottie tuned him out, laying the two schedules side by side to compare. Usually, Natalie wasn’t late for the first day of school and they’d do it together but if Kevyn was to be believed, her flight got in late so there was no telling how long it would be.
It was easier for Lottie to just do it herself.
It looked like they had gym together this year and English and trigonometry. They were separated for languages with Lottie off in French and Nat taking AP Italian which was just plain unfair considering she was fluent in the damn language. They were separated for most of science too, Nat in AP physics and regular biology and Lottie in AP bio and regular physics. They would be together for chemistry though, in the little outhouse building at the very back of the school.
Their other classes would be separate but Lottie could deal with that. They had lunch together and soccer practice too. That would have to be enough. It would be enough. A few lessons together, lunch and soccer after school. It was just for this year anyway and then they’d be off at college together even if Lottie had to smuggle Natalie in with her.
The seat next to her remained stubbornly empty for the whole of homeroom, no matter how longingly Lottie stared at it.
“What’s wrong with Lottie today?” She heard Jackie whisper on the way to lunch.
Mari scoffed and Lottie could almost see the eye roll even if she was ahead of them both. “She didn’t get her vitamin Nat this morning.”
“Where is Nat anyway?”
“Hell, if I know. Can she hurry up though? Hurricane Lottie’s going to kill someone if she doesn’t get her daily dose of Nat soon. Summer vacation spoiled her.”
Lottie scoffed at that, pushing her way into the cafeteria, but she didn’t deny it. She couldn’t. Everyone knew it was true.
She and Nat were inseparable at the best of times. Summer vacation meant Lottie had unfettered access. Nat hated going home. Lottie had too many rooms to know what to do with, an empty house and money that could get them access anywhere. Natalie spent more time at Lottie’s than her own place.
Lottie was spoiled with Nat’s attention every vacation. If she could, she would spend all of summer vacation in Nat’s presence. It just sucked that Natalie’s Nonna wanted her for summer too. The last two weeks Lottie was left Nat-less.
No one could fault her for going through withdrawals. She always did when her things got taken from her and Natalie was the dearest thing she had.
One time, when she and Nat were younger and having one of their weekend sleepovers, the maid read them both a story about a dragon. Lottie didn’t really like dragons. Nat liked dragons though. For the past three birthdays, Lottie had bought Natalie little dragon figures to take home. She only listened to the story because Natalie was the one that brought it over.
There was a dragon and a princess and a trove of treasure.
She dreamt about the story that night, curled up in her bed. She was the fearsome dragon with bright red scales and puffing out smoke. Natalie was the princess she had taken, bundled up warm in stolen shorts and t-shirts without holes. Her room was the treasure trove with all of the things in the world that belonged to her, Nat included. Dragon-Lottie would guard them with her life.
When the maids came in the next day, fussing over Lottie’s messy hair and the drool on Nat’s chin and reminding them both that Nat needed to go home to her own house and see her own family, Lottie bit them.
She felt the urge to bite now too even if she knew she couldn’t. It had taken two therapists and a very strange spray bottle full of water to break Lottie out of her biting phase and she wasn’t eager to go back to it. Instead, she bit down on the inside of her cheek instead as she abandoned Mari and Jackie to stalk over to the lunch table.
“Oh, here we go again,” Jackie muttered as Lottie swept off.
She paid her teammate no mind. Just like each and every classroom, Lottie had a seat. She always picked a seat. She always made sure to pick the perfect seat in fact, like the one in homeroom that meant no one else could sit on Nat’s other slide. There was a seat in the science labs that was in the middle row because sitting up any higher meant being picked on by the teacher and sitting back any further meant getting a nose full of chemicals and dead animals each and every class. There was the seat by the door in the French classroom because it was the least amount of steps from there to her locker.
The Yellowjackets table sat at the very back wall of the cafeteria, right up next to the fire escape exit that led outside to the picnic tables. Lottie always sat on the very end, ever since freshman year when Randy fucking Walsh tried to dump his half eaten slop onto Nat’s head when coming in from outside.
The others knew not to sit there but Lottie refused to take chances, slipping as easily into her seat as her hand slipped into Nat’s, lacing their fingers together as tightly as she could manage.
“Hey, Lot,” Nat said softly.
She hated when Nat left for Italy each year but she couldn’t deny how good it made Nat look. It was hard to get her to tan at the best of times but she arrived home every year with a tan that made the freckles under her eyes deepen and made the blue in her eyes stand out.
Natale always came home from Italy in clothes that fit her. All her other clothes were hand me downs from whatever idiot at the trailer park was throwing things out. Lottie was a good thief but even she couldn’t steal a whole new closet so she’d made sure only to get the things Nat needed the most, her leather jacket, a few spare shirts, that red plaid skirt she wore to every party. That last one had been pure indulgence from Lottie’s perspective.
It was the summer when Nat’s closet got updated. Nonna Scatorccio, despite being an evil, old hag who stole Nat for two weeks every summer, didn't play when it came to Nat’s wardrobe. She refused to be seen in public with a granddaughter in ratty old t-shirts and pants that still stunk of second hand smoke.
Lottie leaned closer. She could hold Natalie’s hand all she wanted but it wasn’t the same as hugging her. When they were kids, hugging Nat was the best way to get their classmates to leave them the hell alone. Now it was just an excuse for Lottie to inch closer, to wrap her arms around Nat and bury her head in her warm neck and inhale deeply.
Two weeks without Nat always made her a little lightheaded.
“They’re doing it again,” Mari whispered when she and Jackie finally caught up with them and sat down.
“Leave them alone,” Tai muttered back,” You know what they’re like.”
Lottie ignored them both, shifting as close as she dared. Nat adjusted easily, one arm wrapping around Lottie’s shoulders to hold her closer and the other to poke lamely at the school served slop on her tray.
Conversations floated in from everywhere in the cafeteria but Lottie paid attention to none of them as she inhaled again, drinking in Nat’s presence like she’d been dying of dehydration, crawling through an empty desert under the scorching until, finally, the mirage gave way to an oasis with the coolest of water to sooth her raw throat.
She didn’t even pay attention to the conversations happening at the table and the team had been her friends for years at this point. She could probably even recite what everyone was going to say anyway. There was no need to move her head from the crook of Nat’s neck when she already knew what the others would talk about.
Jackie would go on and on and on about her summer trip to Florida, one that she absolutely begged and begged and begged her family to bring Shauna along with. Shauna would offer only a few grunts and agreements to whatever story Jackie would weave before adding in her own tiny ‘yeah, we went to this bookstore’ like she did every year. Laura Lee would mention Bible camp like always while Tai would discuss the museums she went to. Van would give an impossibly long plot synopsis of the best movie she watched in the summer, and Gen would mention whatever skate rink she was forced to go to by Melissa before it was all rounded off by Crystal talking about Broadway and Britt and Robin dong their usual ‘didn’t do much’.
Lottie could recite it in her dreams though she wasn’t sure why she’d want to. Most of her dreams the team barely existed apart from stray background characters. Most of her dreams had Natalie front and centre, usually laying in Lottie’s bed with a gentle glow around her head to remind Lottie of the angel that was in her life. She hardly needed the reminder but it was nice to have.
“Me?” Lottie only tuned in again when she felt the soft rumble of words in Nat’s chest. “I didn't do much. Hung out with Lot-”
“That was a given,” Someone muttered.
“-Went to the pool-”
“Bet Lottie loved that.”
“-Fucked around a bit-”
“I’m sure Lottie wouldn’t have minded fucking around a different way.”
“-And went to see Nonna. Nothing unusual.”
“Only you, Nat,” Jackie said, pointing a fry accusingly at her,” Can make going to Italy sound boring. It’s Italy!”
Lottie rocked with the movement of Nat’s shrug.
“It’s whatever,” Nat said dismissively,” It’s not as fun as you think.”
But Jackie wasn’t listening, already ranting and raving and throwing her arms up in the air as she narrated what exactly she’d do if she spent the last weeks of summer in Italy. Lottie tuned her out. It was always easy to tune Jackie out. She had a lot of practice in it.
“So what did you do?” She whispered against Nat’s skin, still unwilling to part.
Nat’s chin rested atop her head as she replied,” I’m not lying. It was super boring. Nonna needed help cleaning out her house. I’ve never met someone who owned so many weird trinkets. I’m pretty sure a few of her dolls were haunted.”
“Bring any of them back with you?”
“Yeah, you’d like that wouldn’t you?” Nat said in amusement,” Maybe next time. She…er…” She cleared her throat awkwardly. “She actually invited me over for Christmas.”
The mirage disappeared immediately. Lottie was back in the desert. She was shovelling sand into her mouth instead of water. The sun was still hot. Her throat was still dry. Nonna Scatorccio was a wicked, wicked woman who must have spawned from the depths of hell itself.
It wasn’t fair.
It wasn’t fair at all.
Christmas was Lottie’s time with Nat. They had spent every Christmas together since they were seven, back when Emilia Matthews found out Nat’s parents wouldn’t be around. It was tradition now for Nat and Lottie to go up to the Matthews’ family cabin in Canada every Christmas. They would share the same room, bed upgraded from the bunk bed they used to share to a double that was just the tiniest bit too small because it gave Lotte an excuse to hold Nat as they slept. They would go to the Christmas markets and drink hot chocolate and make snowmen. They would sit through the boring Christmas dinner Malcolm would put on for all of his business associates and every year without fail, Lottie would stand on the balcony with Nat as the countdown to New Years began wishing that she had the courage to press their lips together.
“Oh,” Lottie said. Try as she might, it was impossible to keep the disappointment out of her tone.
This year was going to be different. Lottie had promised herself it would be different. She would put mistletoe up around the house. She would have the courage to kiss Nat on New Year’s Eve. Now Nonna Scatorccio wanted to ruin that.
Nonna Scatorccio wanted to ruin Lottie’s life.
Nonna Scatoraccio didn’t like her. She didn't approve of Lottie for her granddaughter. The fact that they hadn’t actually met clearly wasn’t an issue. Nonna Scatorccio was trying to drag Nat away.
“I told her no,” Natalie said softly. Her voice was barely a whisper. If Lottie wasn’t pressed up so close, it would have been impossible to hear her. But Lottie was close enough and she could hear Nat.
“What? Why? You love seeing your Nonna.”
Nat huffed, the sharp inhale and exhale of her chest jostling Lottie ever so slightly. “I don’t know,” She said,” Christmas is kind of our thing, though? Right? It sounds kind of boring without you.”
“Are you sure?”
Yes. Yes, god, yes. Natalie wanted to stay. She still wanted to do Christmas in Canada. Lottie could still put up mistletoe and she could still kiss Nat at midnight. Yes, yes, yes. This was Lottie’s year. This year she would do it.
“-Pink and green,” Jackie was saying as Lottie slowly sat up.
Nat had spent more than enough time poking at her slop. It was time for her to actually eat otherwise she’d be complaining all day about being hungry. Luckily, just like she always did on the first day of school, Lottie had come prepared, shoving Nat’s tray away none too kindly in place of slamming down a little zip lock baggie onto the table.
“Cookies!” Van cheered, reaching for them.
Lottie slapped her hand away. “Those are mine,” She hissed, repressing the urge to bare her teeth. The last thing she needed was biting accusations again.
“Oh, come on,” Van complained,” Share, Lottie!”
“No. They’re mine, you can’t have them.”
“Natalie’s eating them.”
“Nat’s mine too.”
It was amazing how quiet a table could get when the whole cafeteria continued to scream and shout and rage around them. Lottie could focus on any of the other conversations going on around her.
She could listen to Jeff Sadecki and Randy Walsh’s heated exchange about the baseball team a table away. She could listen to the volleyball team whisper about the revenge they were going to take on Jason Russo for fucking them all. She was even close enough to listen to Ms Dewine whisper to the other lunch monitor about Principal Beronsky’s wife finding out about the affair.
But she couldn’t because a thick, heavy silence descended on the table of Yellowjackets like a blanket smothering a fire.
Van’s mouth snapped shut. Tai nudged her in the ribs. Jackie and Shauna exchanged looks Lottie couldn’t begin to understand. Even Laura Lee sent a pointed look Lottie’s way.
She scrambled. “No, wait, I just meant…That is to say…Nat is her own person! I only meant-”
“We all know what you meant,” Van snickered.
“Van,” Tai hissed, stabbing Van in the ribs with her elbow again even if she was laughing too.
“Lay off her!” Nat snapped through a mouthful of crumbs, hand already in the bag reaching for more.
“You letting her off her leash, Lot?” Mari teased, eyes sparkling,” Hey, Nat, when Lottie says bark are you a ‘woof, woof’ kind of girl or an ‘arf, arf’?”
“I’m a ‘shut the fuck up, Mari, before I beat the shit out of you’ kind of girl.”
Mari pretended to shiver. “I’m shaking,” She drawled,” Hey, Lot, you got a special cage you put her in or do you let her sleep in bed with you? Oh, oh! Have you bought her one of those dog vests that say ‘warning, bites’ because-”
Lottie wasn’t one to allow herself to be pulled away but she could make an exception when it was Nat doing the pulling, warm, calloused hand in hers as she tugged Lottie up from her seat and out of the doors.
“Beat it, freshmen,” Nat bit out when they made it to the bleachers.
The freshmen all scattered. Lottie thought she saw one of them completely fall off backwards but decided she must have been imagining it. She was much more preoccupied with Nat propping her head down on her lap. Her hands automatically went to tangle in Nat’s blonde hair.
“Mari’s a bitch,” Nat muttered and Lottie hummed softly,” But she’s kind of right.”
“About what?” Lottie’s voice went embarrassingly high pitched.
“Well, about the vest, sort of,” Nat said simply,” Do you think we could find a patch that says that? I could add it to my jacket. Sounds kind of cool, doesn’t it?”
Lottie blinked away images of Nat on a stupidly long leash and sitting, glowering, in a cage at the foot of Lottie’s bed. It was weird anyway. Nat wouldn’t even be the type of dog to live in the house anyway. She’d be one of those stray dogs in a foreign country that was too proud to beg for scraps but still followed people around. She’d be one of those stray dogs that would have someone find her, fall in love with her and take her home to give her a life of luxury.
“I’ll find one for you,” Lottie promised, gently carding her fingers in Nat’s locks the way she liked,” We can go after tryouts?”
“Charlotte Matthews,” Nat teased, rolling flat onto her back so she could stare up at her properly,” Is this an excuse to rob another TJ Maxx?”
“Do I need an excuse for that?”
Nat sat up abruptly. Lottie didn’t have any time to jerk away. They were basically lip to lip as Nat’s quirked into a grin. They were so close it would barely take any effort on Lottie’s end to seal it.
Nat’s grin was lopsided and smug as she nudged her shoulder into Lottie’s chest. “You just want me to play lookout.”
“No! I meant-”
"It's cool, Lot,” Nat said,” You’re the only one I’m willing to play lookout for.”
It would take just a moment. Just a short brush of their lips and Natalie would know. She’d feel the connection between them. She’d feel the electricity and the chemistry and just how deeply Lottie had been aching for her ever since that first day when the love of her life had sat in her seat.
She should have worn lipstick today. Lottie scolded herself inwardly for that. She’d thought about it this morning, sitting at her dresser as she stared at the open stick in her hand. She hadn’t because it was that one lipstick of hers that smudged and smeared no matter what she tried to do to stop it. She should have just put it on.
Her childhood toys were still stained with sticky lip gloss from Lottie’s lips as a child. A few of them had been marked with the lipstick she’d stolen from her mother when she was young. Only her most special toys were marked like that, ruby red and a warning to all that they shouldn’t touch what was Lottie’s by right.
She should have just put on lipstick this morning. It would smudge on Nat’s lips when Lottie finally leaned forward. Everyone would know, just like they did when they were kids, that Nat was off limits. Permanently.
Tomorrow, would have to do. She could kiss Nat now and tomorrow she could wear the lipstick so everyone else knew.
Her lips puckered as Lottie took a long, shaky inhale. Her hands cut into the underside of the metal bleachers, skin threatening to break from the force she was holding it with. She closed her eyes.
This was it. This was perfect. Just the tiniest movement and-
Nat’s head landed in her lap again. She impatiently reached for Lottie’s hand, dragging it through her hair like Lottie had forgotten.
“After tryouts,” Nat declared,” Why would they even put tryouts on the first day back? It’s fucking crazy, dude.”
Lottie was inclined to agree. She would have even done it verbally if the very interesting image of Nat covered in lipstick marks wasn’t circling in her head. It was a lovely image. Lottie might even consider it perfect if the Nat in her daydreams was wearing quite a few less clothes but it was enough to stay in her head for the rest of the day.
She only came back to herself when the chatter of the locker room filled her ears and the clanging of lockers slamming shut echoed around the room.
It was the most full it would be all school year, packed full of excited hopefuls. Most of them would get nowhere. A few of them would land on JV and even fewer in the varsity team. In just a few hours, most of these people in the locker room would be cut and Lottie could finally have some breathing space again.
Over all the noise, the slam of her palm against the open door of her locker wasn’t enough to garner attention but it was enough to scare the ever loving shit out of the freshman girl that opened it.
“That’s mine,” Lottie hissed, teeth clenched as she forced the door closed.
“It’s just tryouts. Lockers haven’t been assigned. You can’t just-”
“It’s tryouts for you,” She replied through gritted teeth,” I’m already on the team which means this is my locker. Go.”
The freshman winced and, for a moment, it looked like she was going to stand her ground. But, then, she clearly thought better of it. If she had any hope of joining the team it wouldn’t be a good idea to piss off one of the varsity girls. She shuffled over to the next locker down.
Lottie’s hand slammed the door of that one closed too.
“That’s Nat’s. You can’t have it either.”
“What? But-”
“I’d listen to her, freshie,” Van laughed from the locker opposite,” Careful, Lottie bites. She’s territorial like that.”
“I don’t!” Lottie could feel her face heating up. “And I’m not!”
“Sure, Lot,” Van said. She landed on the bench in a heap, lacing up her cleats. “The first one I’ll give you. You don’t bite anymore.” She ignored Lottie’s affronted look to level a pointed look at the freshman girl still lingering by Nat’s locker. “But not the second one. You should feel lucky, freshie, she almost swung on someone last year who tried to take those lockers. I’d find somewhere else to go, if I were you.”
“Must you make me out to be some big bad wolf every year?” Lottie asked even as her eyes tracked the freshman hurrying off to the other side of the room, metaphorical tail between her legs. “It’s not my fault they’re taking things that don’t belong to them.”
“And when Jackie tried to take your number when we got chosen for JV in freshman year?”
“Five has been my number since we were kids. She knew it was mine.”
“It’s a number, Lottie.”
“It’s my number. She had no right to ask for it.”
“And that time Tai got in the second to last shower of the row?”
Lottie let out a long suffering sigh. “Nat always takes the corner shower because she likes being furthest from the door and I take the one next to it to watch her back.”
“Lottie, you almost clawed Tai’s eyes out.”
“You’re exaggerating.” She slammed her kitbag into the locker and got to work tugging out her training clothes. “I just…scared her a little.”
“What you’re doing,” Van deadpanned,” Is scaring away teammates and potential friends. Is that what you’re gonna do in college?”
College, now that was something Lottie had spent a lot of time thinking about. Granted, her thoughts of college had never really extended much to making other friends but they had definitely been there, somewhere, in her daydreams. Most of her college daydreams included sitting in the Matthews Building at Cornell University (of course, named after her great-grandfather) working towards her major in hotel administration and minor in Italian. They included hanging out on the grass outside in the warm summer sun and camping out in the library writing her assignments. It meant going back to her off-campus apartment (because no Matthews would ever have to suffer in the stuffy dorms) and flopping straight down into Nat’s lap while the girl did whatever physics majors did in their free time.
Cornell had been the destination of every Matthews for generations. When Lottie thought of college, she thought of Cornell. Hotel administration was the logical step for her major. Her father owned hotels around the world and Lottie knew she would be taking after him. The minor in Italian was also a logical step. It was unfair to just expect Nat to speak her second language for the rest of the life they would build together.
Lottie would do hotel administration and Italian. Nat would do physics and whatever else piqued her interest and they would both live at the cosy one bedroom apartment Lottie’s father would pay for.
In Lottie’s college daydreams, friends were always shapeless, nameless figures that were blurry around the edges and didn’t actually do much apart from provide a background setting for Lottie’s more important college dreams, like cramming into a dingy bar and get Nat to actually try a cocktail.
“I…” She sputtered,” I don’t scare people away!”
Van’s mouth opened again, probably to refute Lottie’s claim like she always did but the creak of Nat’s locker stopped her. Lottie whirled around, threats already in her throat before a dopey smile replaced them.
“Nat! Jackie said you didn’t turn up for Biology earlier.”
Nat’s grin in response was positively roguish as she zipped open her kitbag. “Well, you said we were gonna get me another patch,” She said,” So I went home to get my jacket.”
Unlike her usual leather jacket, the one Nat pulled out was covered in patches. Some were ironed on. Some were sewn but it was so thoroughly covered that Lottie inwardly vowed to steal Nat another one some time soon.
“You went home by yourself? Nat, I could have driven you.”
“Nah, it’s fine. If you came with, then I couldn’t get you…these!” From the other pocket of her kit bag, Nat pulled out a bag of sour patch kids. She waved them teasingly in front of Lottie. “Your favourite.”
“Have I ever told you that you’re my favourite?”
Van gagged. “Ew. You guys are gross.” She pretended to gag again. “We don’t have time for this. Coach’ll be pissed if we miss his ‘varsity have their numbers because they’ve earned them, you haven’t’ speech to the freshman. Come on! Hurry up! Let’s go!”
The good thing about having the locker next to Nat was that Lottie could stay staring ahead into her own and not have to turn to hear Nat speak. If she did have to turn then she’d get an eyeful of Nat’s shirtless body and she was sure that she’d end up making them both later for practice doing that.
Although, maybe that would have been preferable to watching one of the freshmen purposely press herself up against Nat while she tried to explain a drill.
“Jesus Christ, Lottie,” Shauna muttered from her side, following her gaze across the field where Nat was trying to demonstrate a passing drill with Jackie,” If you stare any harder, she’ll turn to stone.”
“She deserves it.”
“What did Nat do? Did you guys have an argument?”
Lottie tore her gaze away. “No. Why would we?”
“Then why do you think she should turn to stone?”
“I wasn’t talking about Nat.”
“Jackie? Look, whatever she’s done to piss you off-”
“Not Jackie either.”
“Then…?”
“That freshman girl,” Lottie muttered,” Black shorts, pink cleats, red warmup jersey.”
Shauna squinted. She glanced back at Lottie. “And why don’t we like her?”
“Look at her!”
“Okay, looking…Nope, still don’t get it.”
“She’s flirting!”
“With Jackie?”
“With Nat!”
“Lot, I don’t think she is.”
“I know what I saw!”
“Do you? Because…it just looks like she was asking for advice.”
Lottie ground her teeth, jaw bulging as she watched that stupid freshman girl step closer to Nat again. She couldn’t exactly blame her. If she was a freshman and a girl like Nat was helping her with drills, she’d feel the need to flirt too. Unfortunately for this particular freshman, she had definitely seen Lottie lather Nat with affection earlier so should have known she was off limits.
“Oh no,” Shauna muttered, mostly to herself considering Lottie was wondering whether steam was actually coming out of her ears or if just felt like that with the way her face was heating up in anger,” Lottie, hey, why don’t we…” Her eyes darted around erratically. “Why don’t we see if Gen and Melissa need help with their group? We should-”
“I should have a talk with her, right?” Lottie bulldozed over Shauna’s words, discarding them like trash,” I mean, it’s just being polite right? She might make it onto the team. She should know that-”
“This way!” Shauna grasped her arm,” Let’s go this way!”
The headache from grinding her teeth so hard wasn’t pleasant but the way Nat was gently rubbing the tension out of her shoulders as they watched the JVs square off against the tryout hopefuls was nice.
The varsity team sat up on the bleachers. Jackie gave running commentary that no one was listening to. Shauna sat by her side, reading. Mari was obnoxiously chewing gum while Laura Lee watched the proceedings politely. Tai and Van were deep in discussion of their own so no one was around to tease Lottie about the way she preened and puffed up like a peacock as Nat got a particularly stubborn knot in her shoulder.
“Hey,” Nat said, leaning down from the seat above Lottie, pressing her chin against her shoulder," We still on for finding me that patch?”
“Obviously. We should get dinner at the mall too. I heard they opened up a Shake Shack.”
“You’re kidding. Why do they always do this? Start fucking opening stuff up while I’m stuck with Nonna?”
“I think it’s a sign.”
“You think everything’s a sign.”
“Because it usually is.”
“Alright, Lot, I’ll bite. What’s it a sign? What is the universe telling me?”
“The universe,” Lottie said dramatically, a grin pulling on her lips at Nat’s answering laugh,” Is saying that you need to spend the whole of summer with me.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
“You have no idea.”
“Sweet-talker.”
“Only for you.”
“You guys are gross.”
“Shut up, Mari.”
The girl with the shitty pink cleats and red warmup jersey wasn’t going to make the team, Lottie knew that for sure. She was decent enough on the ball but she couldn’t tackle, she couldn’t shield and she had the shooting ability of a cockroach. She wouldn’t even make the JV squad.
Good, Lottie thought to herself as she walked through the aisles of the one TJ Maxx in Wiskayok’s borders. No one needed a stupid freshman upsetting the team hierarchy like that. At least Rachel Goldman had finally, finally looked like she played decent enough soccer to actually make the team this year. At least she knew not to touch Lottie’s things.
The only other standout was that Allie girl and Lottie only really had the patience for one warning this year so Allie better god damn heed it otherwise the ‘warning, bites’ patch currently in her hands would look more in place on her bag than Nat’s jacket.
Lottie hummed to herself, digging around in the big bin of discarded ribbons. She was down to just one and she needed two for her usual pep rally look. She could easily ask for it back from Nat but she liked the way it was almost permanently tied around her wrist. Plus, she didn’t think Nat would give it back anyway.
“Find anything else you wanted?” Lottie asked, sliding into Nat’s view with her school bag much heavier than when she entered.
Nat lingered by the knockoff soccer shirts. The clothes hangers squeaked on the rack as she shoved her way through them.
“I can’t believe they can get away with this," She grumbled, frown on her face that Lottie completely ignored in favour of watching the way the arm of Nat’s leather jacket rode up and revealed the yellow ribbon tied around her wrist,” I mean, seriously? Do this in Italy and they’ll take your first born from you.”
“You want one?”
“Obviously, Lottie.” Nat rolled her eyes but she was grinning too, the smallest of dimples appearing. Lottie poked it. Nat pulled down an Italy shirt. “Can I convince you?”
“For you, maybe, not for me.”
“Bah! Boring! Come on, you can bring it after college. You’d win points with Nonna.”
“No, Nat.”
Lottie still walked out of there with two Italian shirts shoved into her bag and Nat’s warm hand in her own.
“Are you going back to yours tonight?” She asked hours later, sitting in one of the booths at Shake Shack.
Nat pulled a face as she reached for Lotte’s milkshake. “Pretty sure my mom doesn’t even know that I came home. She was passed out on the couch when I swung by during bio.”
“Well,” Lottie said, trying to be casual but failing miserably when Nat’s plump lips closed around the straw she’d just been drinking from,” My parents aren’t coming home any time soon. Sleep over?”
“You just want to get me in your bed,” Nat accused teasingly, wiggling her eyebrows.
If Nat didn’t look quite as tempting as she did now, head tilted to the side, soft smile on her face, eyes sparkling with mischief, Lottie might have teased back. But Nat did look tempting. Her lips curved around the straw again and Lottie found herself gulping audibly.
“Er…I…You…Us, bed.”
Nat’s laugh came in a soft wave as she dipped her fries in Lottie’s shake. “Who am I kidding?” She said theatrically,” You never usually need an excuse.”
Lottie really, really hoped the low lighting hid the way her face was getting progressively warmer and warmer. She couldn’t let Nat see that. It would totally ruin everything, if her next words weren't about to ruin it already.
But she couldn’t wait. She just couldn’t.
She couldn’t sit here and wait for New Year’s and she couldn’t let any of the freshman think they had a chance with Nat otherwise that new patch for the jacket would have to go on Lottie’s bag instead and her parents would send her back to the therapist that forced her out of the biting habit in the first place.
She reached out, ignoring the slight shake of her hand even though Nat looked down at it in confusion. She reached for Nat’s wrist, gently touching the ribbon tied there before sliding her hand towards Nat’s palm, lacing their fingers together as tightly as she dared. Her heart was in her throat. Her blood was rushing to her ears.
She held her breath for a moment before exhaling it all.
“Nat,” Lottie said softly, hoping that Nat couldn’t feel just how clammy her palm felt,” You’re just…I was wondering if you might like to…You know…”
“Lot,” Nat said,” You’re going red. Are you okay?”
“I think we…Er, I have all these plans…I mean, let’s…This is all coming out wrong.”
“Lot, seriously.” Nat leaned closer over the table, dropping Lottie’s hand to cradle her face instead. “What’s wrong? Are you sick?”
“Let me take you on a date?” Lottie blurted out.
She slapped her hand over her mouth, shocked that the words had even gotten past her lips.
This was it. She’d ruined it. It wasn’t the right time. She stumbled over her words. She didn’t have a speech to prepare. She didn’t have the words to explain just how desperately she missed Nat when she went home to Italy. She didn’t have the words to explain just how badly she slept when Nat wasn’t in her bed. She didn’t have the words to explain just how hard her heart thumped and just how jealous she got when she saw other people flirting with Nat. She didn’t have the words to explain just how much of her life had been planned with Nat in mind.
A horrible, uncomfortable silence rung in their small booth.
Nat’s hand dropped from Lottie’s face, laying flat on the table as her mouth hung open. She blinked several times as if she was trying to make sense of Lottie’s jumble of awful, terrible words. Her hand retreated back across the table, falling into her lap.
Her head tilted to the side. Lottie loved that head tilt, the one she always had in class when she’d dozed off and woken up completely lost over what was being taught. Nat’s head remained tilted to the side, confusion dawning on her face.
“I-” Lottie choked on her next words, throat suddenly dry. She closed her mouth, sitting with the uncomfortable feeling as Nat threw her head back and laughed.
And laughed.
And laughed.
She slapped the table with laughter, almost headbutting Lottie’s milkshake as she doubled over. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she continued to laugh uncontrollably.
Suddenly, Lottie understood the uncomfortable feeling.
She was going to cry too. She was going to burst into tears and wonder how she could possibly have been so stupid. Of course Nat didn’t want to go on a date with her. They were best friends. They always had been and that’s what they always would be. Best friends and best friends only.
Lottie was stupid to think otherwise.
Of course Nat wouldn’t want to go on a date with her. Who did she think she was? Assuming she had a place in Nat’s life like that?
Nat had a plan for her life. She would go to Cornell with Lottie, on a scholarship of some kind, one of the many they had researched together during their summer evenings lazing in Lottie’s bed. She would get her degree and go home to Italy. She would move in with her Nonna and never come back to America again, let alone the town of Wiskayok, population: who cares, location: the bumfuck of nowhere, New Jersey.
Lottie was stupid to think she would go along with her, to manage her father’s hotels in Europe and come home to Nat cooking one of her Nonna’s special recipes in the kitchen.
She would just be Nat’s friend. She would attend Nat’s wedding to some perfect Italian woman. She would be a bridesmaid if she was lucky. Maid of Honor was out of the equation now. She would watch Nat and that woman exchange vows and know Natale Scatorccio had never been hers to begin with, no matter what her five year old self thought all those years ago in that classroom with Miss Baker.
Nat had never belonged to Lotte. Maybe Lottie had always belonged to Nat.
Maybe she always would, waiting in the wings for Nat to just turn and look at her.
That was Lottie’s fate, to forever be pining after the girl that had held her heart since kindergarten.
“Nat,” She choked out, desperately willing herself not to cry,” I…”
Nat wiped her tears with one last peal of soft laughter. “I needed that,” She giggled,” God, I needed that.”
“Nat-”
“What’s with the shy act all of a sudden?” Nat continued, reaching for Lottie’s drink to take another sip. She waved a dismissive hand. “You’re not usually so official about it. Why were you so worried to ask? Did me leaving scramble your brain or something?”
She was teasing. Nat was teasing. She wasn’t looking at Lottie in disgust. She wasn’t scoffing or making excuses to leave. She was still sitting in the booth, sipping idly on Lottie’s milkshake just like she always did.
“W-What?”
“I’m just saying,” Nat said with a shrug,” Usually you don’t ask like that.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what I’m talking about.” Nat rolled her eyes fondly. She tugged Lottie’s drink closer. “Can I finish this?”
“I…Er, yeah. Nat, what do you mean?”
Nat took a long dramatic sip, lips puckered against the straw. “Seriously, Lot, you’re acting weird.”
“I’m acting weird?” Lottie’s voice rose to an embarrassing pitch. She cleared her throat awkwardly. “Nat,” She said softly, willing herself not to cry,” About the date thing. I was only-”
Nat removed the straw from the drink, tapping it idly on the side of the glass before placing it down on the plate of fries. She drained the last remnants of milkshake. Now was not the time for Lottie to be staring at her neck.
“It’s fine, Lot,” Nat said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
“No, Nat, I just-”
“We can go on a date,” Nat continued.
“We…We can?”
“I mean-” Nat shrugged, reaching for Lottie’s hands “-Obviously. Isn’t that what couples do? Go on dates?” She laughed. “What else have we been doing for the past two years?”