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Levi was no stranger to nightmares. He’d had them a lot as a young boy, most revolved around his mother’s death and the stillness of her body in the last moments he saw her. Then, after he’d served, his nightmares became about his time with people who died far too early, the blood that stained his hands.
But, throughout all that, he’d had other nightmares too. About a world with giant man-eating creatures, a world with all of the people he loved so dearly and most of them were gone.
Of course, Levi had never told Erwin about these nightmares, not even after they got married. They were irrotational and even if they felt just so real, they weren’t real now and that’s what mattered. That’s how he comforted himself, how he stilled the tremors in his hands when he woke up in a cold sweat.
Levi counted himself lucky that no one knew about his outbursts of panic in the middle of the night.
Of course, his luck had to run out eventually though.
In the current nightmare, he and Erwin’s dream counterpart were on top of a roof. Erwin was beaten and bloody and looked unbearably weak and Levi forced his hands to steady around the serum in his hands. He’d been about to push the needle into Erwin’s muscles when his hand was batted away and Erwin muttered something in his cracked voice.
Levi oh so wanted to inject Erwin with the serum but… he chose to be selfish and just sat beside Erwin instead, listening to the weak inhales of breath. Internally, Levi screamed at his dream self to move, just move and help him, damnit!
Levi woke with a start, hands shaking as he clutched the sides of his head and sweat damp hair.
Deep breaths, Levi.
Inhale.
None of it is real.
Exhale.
Erwin’s safe. The kids are safe.
Levi continued until eventually his breath evened enough for him to look to Erwin’s side of the bed, only to be greeted by the cold sheets.
“Erwin?” Levi’s voice cracked as he sat up.
“Right here,” Levi turned his head to see Erwin sat at his desk, frowning in his husband’s direction.
“Oh.”
“Are you okay?” Erwin questioned, voice shockingly soft.
“You’re okay,” Levi breathed out instead, his gaze subconsciously latching onto Erwin’s right arm.
“I’m fine,” Erwin echoed and got up, shuffling to sit on the edge of the bed beside Levi, “But I asked if you were okay.”
Levi’s mouth went dry, still stuck somewhere between his dream and the waking world, “It was just a dream,” his voice was painfully hoarse even to his own ears.
“What was?” Erwin’s tone was unrelenting as he leant into Levi’s space.
“Nothing,” Levi spoke quickly, too quickly.
“Levi,” Erwin sighed, the two syllables of his husband’s name coming out in exasperation. “You don’t have to hide these things.”
“You shouldn’t have to worry about me.”
“We’re married, I’ll always worry about you.”
The silence in the room was heavy, Levi looking down at his hands and feeling the phantom weight of the syringe. All the while, Erwin sat in front of him, assessing every about the still sweaty and teary eyes man in front of him.
“What was happening in the dream? Did something happen to me?” Levi both loved and loathed Erwin’s ability to do the mental gymnastics required to make connections.
“Yes,” Levi’s voice was quiet and shaky when he spoke, this nightmare in particular wasn’t new, he’d had it before he even met Erwin though back then the face was somewhere between blurry and impossibly clear and detailed in his dreams - like his brain was unsure of whether Levi should see it or not.
“What was it?” Erwin’s quiet insistence was slowly breaking Levi’s resolve and he remembered with embarrassing clarity how easily his dream self always folded to Erwin’s whims. Hell, he was the same way in real life too.
Levi let the silence hang, carefully choosing his next words and how to describe everything in as little detail as possible.
“I was selfish,” he settled on eventually. “I… I let you…”
“What, die?” Erwin’s voice was sharp and clinical and Levi felt heat curl in his stomach at his husband’s lack of tact.
“Yes, and… it was selfish, I did what was best for you rather than everyone else and you would’ve detested that.” Levi couldn’t help the helplessness that started to accompany his words.
“Would I?”
“What?”
“Well, I know, if the roles were reversed, I would probably have done the same for you.” Erwin smiled softly.
Levi wanted to snort at the prospect. He knew the dreams weren’t real but he also knew that the Erwin in those dreams - that life - wouldn’t have done that. That Erwin would’ve injected Levi without a second thought and - most likely - would’ve grieved the loss of the serum rather than Levi’s life.
But, this Erwin, the Erwin Levi had married, would let Levi die. And Levi couldn’t help hut compare the two, in some ways the two Erwins were incredibly similar, both were intelligent and usually clinical and oh so stubborn. However, Levi’s husband was also kind and selfless, not qualities that the ‘Commander’ Erwin didn’t possess but just in another measure.
“Yeah, maybe,” Levi murmured instead of the swirling thoughts and resolutely ignored the furrow between Erwin’s brows, “What were you doing up anyway?”
“Grading the last of some papers,” Erwin said gently, letting the subject drop, “I was just finishing up actually and I could use sone sleep,” he sighed as he got up and switched off his desk lamp, “Should be well rested for picking up the twins tomorrow.” Levi could hear the sheets rustle as Erwin slid back into bed beside him again.
“Doesn’t matter if you’re well rested, Mikasa’ll still wake us up at a horrendous time,” Levi smiled as he thought back to how excited Mikasa was to be ‘finally getting siblings’ in her own eloquent words.
Erwin chuckled as he gently tugged Levi to lay down against his chest and Levi didn’t bother stifling the sigh of relief he felt at hearing Erwin’s strong and steady heartbeat beneath his ear.
“You can talk to me about these things, you know,” Erwin’s voice broke the peaceful silence and Levi just hummed, no real intent to follow through behind it.
“I mean it, you looked… panicked, worse than your usual nightmares,” it killed Levi inside to hear the concern so clear in Erwin’s voice.
“I’m perfectly fine with not talking about it,” Levi mumbled.
“I know, I know,” Erwin acquiesced quietly, running his hand up and down Levi’s back.
The silence was heavy now, but not uncomfortable. Levi was on the edge of sleep, one hand clutching onto Erwin’s shirt when he felt rather than heard Erwin’s defeated exhale of breath. He felt how Erwin’s chest slowly deflated under his ear and the concept of his husband being unhappy was enough to wake Levi up again.
“The nightmares are like a whole other life usually,” Levi said softly, taking note of how Erwin perked up again, “It’s similar to this one in some respects but so different in others,” he sighed, how do you explain the concept of being revered as Humanity’s Strongest but being unable to help the people he loved when it mattered? How do you explain to the love of your life that in your dreams he was both your hell and salvation?
Levi spent hours explaining his dreams that night. At some point he and Erwin had sat up while Levi described how people only became clear in his dreams when he met them in real life and only one or two were always visible - like his mother, for obvious reasons, and his Uncle Kenny and his husband Uri before he’d been adopted. And Mikasa, he’d always been able to see Mikasa which was how he reasoned his overprotectiveness of her now.
And he’d always seen Erwin too, though sometimes blurred and corrupted like malware disrupting a digital save, like his brain was unsure of whether the connection between Levi and Erwin should be prevented or not.
He told Erwin about Isabel and Furlan. About everything that happened in the underground, even the dream version of Kenny. Levi told him about their first meeting, the plot and the culmination of his and his friends’ efforts. The callousness that Erwin had treated the situation with back then. Levi couldn’t help but emphasise his gratitude that Furlan and Isabel were fine now, that they led happy peaceful lives.
And Erwin listened to it all, occasionally interrupting to clarify his understanding and nodding at the places it mattered. His face was neutral and free of judgement and when Levi finished his retelling, Levi was pulled into a warm and tight hug.
“I’m sorry,” Erwin whispered.
“About what?” Levi frowned.
“That you shouldered all this alone,” Erwin’s voice was so soft Levi almost didn’t hear, normally he would’ve argued but he was far too tired for once.
The next day, Levi, Erwin, and Mikasa met the twins; Armin and Historia. That same night, the burdened queen, Historia Reiss, and youngest Commander of the Survey Corps, Armin Arlert, made their debut in Levi’s subconscious.