Archive of Our Own

The last time they were in Dallas, Ilya had spotted a Whataburger, another legendary southern spot. While no longer localized to Texas, it originated here and was a favorite place to grab a bite to eat. They had a menu of almost all burgers - and a few chicken options - and Ilya knew this was what they were getting for dinner before they even hit the ice this afternoon. The game ended in a 1-1 tie, and Ilya had nothing on his mind other than dinner.

“Shane, come on, let’s go!” Ilya said, pulling on a T-shirt and shorts. Even in November, Texas was still hot as hell.

“There’s nothing for me to eat there, Ilya…” Shane started, slipping on his shoes and fixing his hair. A pair of sunglasses rested on top of his head.

Ilya walked over to him and grabbed his hands, pulling him closer. He pressed a light kiss to his lips. “I’m sure we can find something for you, moya lyubov. Now come on, Barrett and Bood are already waiting for us downstairs.”

“Oh, they’re coming, too?” Shane asked, grabbing his wallet.

“Did you really think they would pass up an opportunity to eat meat?” Ilya laughed, heading out the door.

~~~~~~

The Whataburger was a short walk from their hotel, and as they arrived, they could see a giant orange and white W sign in the parking lot to guide their way. The enticing aroma of burgers and French fries caused Ilya’s mouth to start watering as they entered through the front door.

The restaurant was sleek and modern, but still had a slightly western theme to it, with a mural of who Ilya assumed must be the founder on the wall by the cash register. And everything was either orange or white. The booths, the tables, the cups, the trays; everything.

“What are you going to get?” Shane asked, eyebrows furrowed as he read over the menu hanging over the cashier.

“I think the better question is what are you going to get? I already knew when we come back to Texas what I am going to get.”

Barrett and Bood had already ordered and were sitting at a table with their drinks while Shane was still struggling to decide what to eat.

“Is okay to eat out every once in a while, Shane,” Ilya pointed out.

”I know, I’m here, aren’t I?” Shane replied. “I’m just still trying to be good. “I’m either going to get the grilled chicken sandwich or the garden salad with grilled chicken and balsamic vinaigrette.” Shane nodded to himself.

Ilya looked at Shane, who seemed to have made up his mind and walked up to the cashier, who greeted them each with a friendly smile.

“Welcome to Whataburger, what can I get started for you?”

“Hi, can I get number three, add cheese—“ Ilya watched as Shane’s eyes flew up to the board and he grabbed his arm.

“You are not getting that!” Shane hissed.

“Yes, I am, Shane. Sorry; add cheese, add bacon, add jalapeños. Large, with onion rings. And can I add a chocolate shake?” Ilya finished his order with a big, toothy grin. He was a big hockey player; he could handle this.

Shane’s soul looked like it left his body after hearing Ilya’s order, so Ilya ordered for him. “And for my husband, the garden salad with grilled chicken. Add avocado.”

“Sure,” the cashier entered their order and handed Ilya one of the largest foam cups he’d ever seen, along with the size cup he’d expected for a large order. “Your total is $38.49, and your order number is 81.” She handed him a little plastic tent with his number on it, and he was practically giddy as he showed it to Shane. His jersey number on the little table tent was the cherry on top of this visit, and they hadn’t even tried the food yet. “We’ll bring your food to the table.”

“Thank you,” Ilya said, grabbing the cups and handing the smaller one to Shane. “Do you see the size of the cup?” He laughed. “I could swim in this!”

“I cannot believe you,” Shane laughed, filling his cup with the Minute Maid Lemonade Zero. “If you get sick because you ate too much, it isn’t my fault.”

“I’m not going to get sick, Shane,” Ilya said, filling his cup with Coke. “You worry too much.”

They walked to the table and joined Barret and Bood, who were just receiving their food. 

“What did you guys get?” Ilya asked, sliding into the booth so Shane could sit on the outside. He placed the table tent on the end of the table so the employees could find them. “Do you think they’ll let me keep this?” He whispered to Shane, who shook his head no.

“I got the Honey Barbecue Chicken Strip Sandwich,” Barrett said, unwrapping his sandwich. “It was on the part of the board that said ‘All Time Favorites,’ so I figured it had to be good.” His sandwich was three chicken strips and a slice of Monterey Jack cheese, slathered with honey barbecue sauce, in between two slices of Texas toast. 

“We came to a burger joint, and you got chicken?” Bood asked, unwrapping his sandwich. “I got the patty melt, also from the ‘All Time Favorites’ menu.” Bood’s sandwich was two burger patties, a slice of Monterey Jack cheese, grilled onions, and a creamy pepper sauce between two slices of Texas toast. 

“Am I the only one who got an actual burger at Whataburger?” Ilya asked, confused. “It’s called ‘What-A-BURGER’ not ‘What-A-Patty-Melt!’”

”I thought everyone was saying ‘Waterburger’ until we got here,” Barrett said, taking a bite of his chicken sandwich. A giant glob of barbecue sauce immediately fell onto his shirt. “Oh, come on!” He exclaimed, trying to wipe it up.

”That’s how you know they made it right,” a young woman said as she walked past the table, pointing at Troy. “If you’re not wearing it when you leave, they didn’t put enough sauce on it.”

Bood smirked at Troy, taking a bite of his patty melt as an employee brought Shane and Ilya their order. “Mine does have two hamburger patties on it. It’s still kind of a burger. Just like yours is just a burger.”

Ilya gasped. “It is not just a burger! It is divine Texan cuisine! It’s—“

”Order 81?” The employee asked, setting the tray of food down in front of Ilya and grabbing the table tent.

”That’s us,” Ilya sighed, watching the table tent go out of his reach with the biggest puppy dog eyes he could muster. “Is there any way I could have that? It’s my jersey number…”

”No, sorry, we have to keep them. People used to steal them, so we have to keep a close eye on them.”

Ilya pouted momentarily but ultimately decided to let it go. Maybe he could find one online.

”Regular or spicy ketchup?” The employee asked him.

He looked at the tray; he’d never been given the option of spicy ketchup before. “Two of both, please,” he smiled as she put them down on his tray.

”Jesus, Rozy, what did you order?” Troy asked as the employee walked away.

”A heart attack on a bun,” Shane chirped next to him, pouring the vinaigrette over his salad.

”It has 65 grams of protein!” Ilya returned, like that was any help. His monster of a burger, once unwrapped, towered over everyone else’s meals. On top of the three patties, he’d also added three slices of cheese, three bacon slices, jalapeños, and it came with tomatoes, lettuce, pickles, onions, and mustard. And since he ordered a large, it came with a huge order of onion rings, and he’d also ordered a chocolate shake. He grinned like a kid in a candy shop.

”You’re going to have to unhinge your jaws like a snake to even attempt to eat that,” Barrett said, setting his sandwich down to watch. In fact, everyone had stopped eating to watch him attempt to take a bite.

”You all underestimate me,” Ilya said, sizing up the burger to even figure out where to pick it up from. “This is going to be like ‘Man Vs. Food,’ and I am going to win!”

Out of the corner of his eye, Ilya watched as Shane snuck an onion ring from the box and sighed in delight as the flavors hit his mouth. They were always allowed to steal each other’s food, but Shane usually hated eating out. Ilya was delighted to see him go for the onion ring.

Ilya grabbed the burger and opened his mouth as wide as it would go, taking an enormous bite of the burger, causing a tomato and a pickle to shoot out the back of it. The flavors of the burger were incredible, probably the best he’s had in a long time. His eyes rolled up in his head. Adding the jalapeños was definitely the right call; they added just the right amount of heat.

“A tomato escaped,” Bood commented.

“The tomato offended me; I did not want it in my burger,” Ilya retorted around a mouthful of the same first bite of burger. 

Shane was grumpily picking at his salad, clearly wishing it was his favorite salmon and rice. 

In fact, the rest of the table went back to eating their own food once they could see that Ilya was pretty much able to unhinge his jaw like a snake and tackle the burger. He decided he liked the spicy ketchup better for the onion rings, but the regular ketchup for his burger since he already had the jalapeños on it.

Each bite was as delicious as the last, but messier and messier. By the time Ilya got to the middle, the cheese slices were melting down the burger, and the juices from the burger patties and the jalapeños were running all over his hands and mouth and dripping onto the table. It was an absolute mess. He took another sip of his milkshake, relishing the sweetness after the spiciness of his burger.

As he took another big bite of his burger, he saw Shane slip another onion ring out of the container. He chuckled and tapped his foot under the table, letting him know it was okay for him to have whatever he wanted. He saw Shane smile as he ate the onion ring and go back to finishing his salad.

Ilya dumped the container of what was left of the onion rings over. “You guys can have these. I want the burger more.” He grabbed an onion ring anyway and dipped it in the Spicy Ketchup. It was so good, he thought about sticking some on his burger if it wasn’t such a mess right now. Each one of the other guys at the table, even Shane, reached for an onion ring. Ilya smiled; he loved his friends so much.

He looked down at what was left in front of him and saw that even though it was a mess, he had three, maybe two, bites left. He wolfed it down in two bites.

“Damn,” Troy commented. “I honestly didn’t think you could do it.”

“You underestimated me?” Ilya challenged, finishing off his shake too.

“It was a big ass burger!” Troy said, putting his hands up.

“I could have done it,” Bood said simply.

“Yeah, well you didn’t,” Ilya smirked. “I did.” He held both arms up like he was the strongest man in the world, but really he just felt way too full.

“Yes, you really showed us,” Shane laughed, closing the container on his finished salad. “Are we ready to head back?”

“I don’t even get a second to digest?” Ilya asked, patting his stomach. “I just won Man Vs. Food!”

“The rest of us have been done, dude!” Troy laughed. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

Ilya rolled his eyes in mock annoyance, moving to stand up. The food coma was already moving in on him.

They started walking back to the hotel, Shane brushing against him and bumping his arm the whole way. Ilya was starting to fall behind the rest of the group, getting sleepier and leaning into Shane as they walked. He tried to play it off as just messing around with Shane, and leaned in to whisper into his ear. 

“How about we have dessert at the hotel?”

“What??” Shane said incredulously. “You just had a milkshake with your giant 3,000-calorie lunch. How could you possibly want dessert after that?”

Ilya raised an eyebrow at Shane. 

“Oh.” Shane’s face and ears turned bright red as he realized what Ilya meant. “Only if you brush your teeth first. And I need to wash up first. I feel like I’m covered in the grease from your burger.”

Ilya rolled his eyes and nudged Shane again as they walked. He tried to fight a yawn and ignore the increasing tired sensation behind his eyes. 

When they got up to their room, Ilya dutifully went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he was done, he lay across the bed like a meal for Shane to feast upon. 

“You’re so annoying,” Shane laughed. “I’m going to wash up in the restroom real quick, and then I’ll be right back.”

“Okey,” Ilya whispered, watching him go. He could hear the shower turn on, Shane faintly humming to himself over the running water. 

But by the time Shane came back, the food coma had overtaken Ilya, and he was sound asleep on the bed, the call of the nap too irresistible. 

“Yeah,” Shane whispered, climbing into bed beside him and curling into his side. “You’re not ordering that one again,” he chuckled to himself.

~~~~~~

Shane & Ilya's orders in case anyone is curious