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the dorm was quiet for the first time in weeks.
juun noticed it the moment she stepped out of the bathroom, towel still draped around her neck, hair dripping onto the floorboards. no tv in the living room, no one yelling over a game, no carmen humming some new melody she'd been working on, half absent, half brilliant, the way she always did.
just silence.
she padded down the hallway, following the faint glow from the kitchen. the clock on the microwave blinked 2:43am. only three days left until the award show. two nights of barely four hours of sleep each. her body felt like it was made of static - present but not quite there, buzzing with something she couldn't name.
the others had gone to bed hours ago. yuha had crashed first, face down on the couch, still in her stage pants. stella had dragged her to bed eventually. ye-on was in her room with her headphones on, probably still studying choreography. and ian-
juun stopped in the doorway of the kitchen.
ian was sitting on the counter, legs dangling, phone in hand. she looked up when juun entered, and her face did something complicated. relief mixed with worry, the kind of look that made juun want to turn around and walk back to her room.
"there you are" ian said softly. "i was starting to think you'd drowned."
"almost did. practically fell asleep in the shower."
ian’s eyebrows pulled together. "juun..”
"i’m fine."
"you say that a lot."
"because it's usually true."
ian didn't respond to that. she always had trouble putting her thoughts into words when it came to juun, probably scared to say the wrong things. she just watched juun with that sharp, fierce look her eyes showed. however, she knew juun wasn’t fierce at all, as much as she wanted to look like she was.
juun busied herself with pouring a glass of water, even though she wasn't thirsty. anything to avoid the weight of ian’s gaze.
"everyone’s asleep" ian said after a moment. "you should be too."
"i was about to."
"you were about to fall asleep standing up in the shower. this is different, juun."
juun laughed, but it came out hollow. "same result either way."
ian hopped off the counter and walked over, close enough that juun could smell her. that familiar mix of laundry detergent and the faint floral perfume she always wore. up close, juun could see the dark circles under ian’s eyes too.
"you’re one to talk" juun said, nodding at her. "you’re still awake."
"i was waiting for you."
ian’s words landed somewhere in juun’s chest, soft and heavy at the same time. she didn't know what to do with them, so she tucked them away, like she did with everything else.
"you don't have to do that."
"i know."
"then why do you?"
ian tilted her head, studying her. "because I want to."
juun’s grip on the glass tightened. she took a sip to buy herself time, but the water did nothing to cool the heat rising in her throat. she felt raw, scraped clean, like something had been sanding her down from the inside for weeks and she was just now thin enough to feel it.
"i’m going to bed." she said, setting the glass down.
"juun."
she stopped. although, she didn’t turn around.
"when was the last time you slept properly?"
the question hung in the air between them. juun could feel ian’s gaze on her back, could feel the concern radiating off her like heat from a stove. she wanted to lie. she was good at lying, had perfected it over years of training, years of smiling through exhaustion, years of being the one everyone leaned on.
but ian knew her. ian always knew.
"i don't remember" she admitted, her voice quieter than she intended.
she heard ian step closer. felt a hand brush her elbow, tentative, like ian was afraid she'd shatter.
"look at me."
juun shook her head.
"please."
that one word broke something in her chest. she turned, slowly, and met ian’s eyes. they were soft, worried, full of something juun didn't dare name.
"you always say that" ian repeated. "you always say you're fine. you always take care of everyone else. but you never let anyone take care of you."
"because if i stop," juun said, and her voice cracked on the last word, "who's going to hold everything together?"
ian’s expression crumpled. "me. i will. let me."
the words hit juun like a wave. sudden, overwhelming, knocking the air out of her lungs. she felt her face twist, felt the tears building behind her eyes, felt the dam she'd been reinforcing for months start to splinter.
"i can't" she whispered.
"yes, you can."
"you don't understand, ian.”
"then make me understand, juun.”
juun shook her head, pressing the heels of her palms against her eyes. "it’s not that simple."
"then make it simple." ian’s voice was gentle but insistent. "talk to me. just once. let me carry some of it."
juun’s hands dropped. she looked at ian, really looked at her - and saw the same exhaustion she felt reflected back. saw the worries ian had been wearing for weeks, the ones she pretended weren't there. saw the way ian’s hand was still hovering near her elbow, waiting for permission.
"i don't know how” juun admitted. "i’ve been doing this alone for so long that i forgot how to let anyone in."
ian’s hand finally made contact, settling on juun’s arm, warm and grounding.
"then start small" ian said. "start with tonight."
juun’s breath hitched. she wanted to. god, she wanted to. she wanted to collapse into ian’s arms and let herself fall apart, let someone else hold the pieces for once. but the fear was louder. the fear that if she stopped holding it together, she'd never be able to pick herself back up.
"i don't want to burden you."
"you’re not a burden." ian’s voice was firm. "you’re my-“ she stopped, swallowed. "you’re important to me. way more than you know."
the unfinished sentence hung between them, heavy with implication. juun’s heart hammered against her ribs.
"ian-“
"don’t." ian’s eyes were bright, almost defiant. "don’t push me away again, juun. at least not tonight."
juun stood there, caught between the urge to flee and the desperate, aching need to stay. every instinct screamed at her to retreat, to protect herself, to keep the walls up. but ian was looking at her like she was worth saving, and juun was so tired of saving herself.
her knees buckled.
it happened all at once - the tears, the shaking, the sound that escaped her throat, half sob, half relief. ian caught her before she hit the floor, arms wrapping around her, pulling her close.
"i got you" ian murmured into her damp hair. "i got you, and i always will.”
juun clung to her like a lifeline. her fingers dug into the fabric of ian’s lace top, her face pressed into her shoulder, and she cried, really cried, for the first time in god knows how many months. all the exhaustion, all the pressure, all the nights she'd spent lying awake wondering if she was good enough, if she deserved to be here, if anyone would notice if she fell apart.
ian held her through all of it. didn’t tell her to stop. didn’t tell her it was okay, because it wasn't, not yet. she just held on, one hand cradling the back of juun’s head, caressing her hair. the other wrapped firmly around her waist.
"i’m sorry” juun choked out between sobs. “i’m so, so sorry.”
"don’t apologize."
"i’m supposed to be strong-“
"you are strong." ian pulled back just enough to look at her, cupping her face with both hands. "you’re the strongest person i know. but even the strongest people need someone to lean on."
juun’s tears kept falling, but she didn't look away. "what if i lean too hard and you break?"
ian smiled - making sure the tears stayed in her eyes. "then we break together."
they stayed like that for a long time. ian’s thumbs wiped away juun’s tears, gently and unhurried. the kitchen light hummed overhead. somewhere in the distance, cars passed on the street below.
eventually, juun’s breathing steadied. the sobs faded into shaky exhales, her grip on ian’s top loosening but not letting go.
"better?" ian asked softly.
juun nodded, not trusting her voice.
"that’s good." ian’s hands dropped from her face, but she didn't step away. "now, let's get you to bed."
"i can walk."
"i know you can. but i’m going to walk with you anyway."
juun’s lips twitched, almost showing a smile. "you’re stubborn."
"you’re one to talk."
they moved through the dark dorm together, shoulders brushing, footsteps light. when they reached juun’s door, she hesitated, hand on the handle.
"ian."
"yeah?"
"thank you."
ian’s expression softened. "always."
juun opened the door, stepped inside, and turned to close it - but ian’s hand caught the edge.
"can I stay?" ian asked, her voice barely above a whisper. "just until you fall asleep."
juun’s heart stuttered. she should say no. she should protect the distance, rebuild the walls, keep things safe and simple.
instead, she stepped aside.
ian slipped into the room, quiet as a ghost. she sat on the edge of juun’s bed while juun climbed in, pulling the covers up to her chin like a child. ian laughed softly, the sound warm in the dark.
"comfortable?"
"shh."
ian didn't shut up. she reached over and brushed a strand of hair from juun’s face, the touch featherlight. juun’s breath caught.
"close your eyes” ian murmured.
"can’t. you’re looking at me."
"then I'll stop."
"please don’t."
the word came out before juun could stop it. vulnerably and honestly.
ian’s hand stilled. in the dim city light filtering through the curtains, juun could see her expression shift. surprise, then something deeper, something that made her chest ache.
"juun.."
"sorry. i didn't mean-"
"yes, you did."
juun’s throat tightened. she couldn't deny it. not when ian was looking at her like that, not when her heart was still raw and open from everything that had happened tonight.
"i don't know what I'm doing" juun admitted. "i don't know what this is. i just know that when you're close, i feel like i can breathe. and when you're not, I feel like i’m drowning."
ian’s hand found hers under the covers. their fingers intertwined, warm and trembling.
"i feel it too” ian said, her voice cracking. "i’ve felt it for so long i don't remember what it was like before."
"then why haven't you said anything?"
"because i was scared." ian laughed, masking the pain in her voice. "i’m still scared."
"of what?"
"of losing you. of ruining what we have. of waking up one day and realizing i imagined all of this."
juun squeezed her hand. "you didn't imagine it."
they lay there in the dark, hands clasped, hearts pounding. the distance between them felt electric, charged with everything unsaid.
"ian."
"mhm?"
"can i tell you something?"
"anything."
juun took a shaky breath. the words were on the tip of her tongue - three words, simple yet terrifying, the kind of words that could change everything.
but ian shifted closer, and suddenly the space between them was nothing at all. juun could feel the warmth of her breath, could see the outline of her face in the dark, could count the beats of her own heart.
"say it.” ian whispered.
juun’s lips parted. the words were right there, pressing against her teeth, desperate to be free.
"i think-“ she stopped. swallowed. "i think i’ve been in love with you for a long time."
the confession hung in the air, fragile as glass.
ian didn't speak. but her hand tightened around juun’s, and then she was moving - closing the distance, pressing her forehead against juun’s, their breath mingling in the dark.
"i think i have too” ian breathed. "i think i’ve been too scared to admit it because if i said it out loud, it would become real, and if it became real, i’d have something to lose."
"you won't lose me."
"you can't promise that."
"i can." juun’s voice was fierce, desperate. "i am. you’re not losing me, ian. never."
ian’s breath hitched. her free hand came up to cup juun’s cheek, her thumb tracing the curve of her cheekbone.
"then kiss me."
juun’s heart stopped.
"are you sure?"
"i’ve never been more sure of anything."
juun closed the distance.
the kiss was soft - tentative, almost afraid, like they were both testing whether this was real. ian’s lips were warm and slightly chapped, and tasted like the cherry chapstick she’s always reapplying during rehearsals. juun’s hand found the nape of ian’s neck, pulling her closer, and the kiss deepened, slow and searching.
when they broke apart, ian let out a shaky laugh.
"woah."
"woah?"
"shh. i’m having a moment."
juun laughed - a real laugh, maybe the first one in weeks. "so am i.”
ian pulled her close, wrapping her arms around juun’s waist, burying her face in her neck. "this is real, right? i’m not dreaming?"
"if you are, i’m dreaming too."
they lay there, tangled together, the weight of the confession settling over them like a blanket. juun could feel ian’s heartbeat against her chest, steady and reassuring.
"ian?"
"mhm?"
"thank you. for not giving up on me."
ian pressed a kiss to her collarbone. "never."
juun closed her eyes, letting herself sink into the warmth of ian’s body, the steady rhythm of her breathing. for the first time in months, the static in her chest went quiet.
"we should probably sleep” ian murmured. "we have practice tomorrow."
"five more minutes."
"you said that ten minutes ago."
"then, ten more minutes."
ian laughed, softly. "fine. ten more minutes."
but neither of them moved. they stayed wrapped around each other as the minutes stretched into an hour, the dark room slowly lightening with the first hints of dawn.
juun’s eyes grew heavy. ian’s breathing evened out, her hand still resting on juun’s waist.
just before sleep claimed her, juun whispered into the quiet:
"i love you."
and ian, half asleep, answered without hesitation “i love you more.”
- - -
the next morning, juun woke to sunlight streaming through the curtains and ian’s face inches from hers, still asleep.
she looked peaceful. younger. like all the weight she carried melted away when she wasn't awake to feel it.
juun reached out, barely brushing her fingers against ian’s cheek.
ian’s eyes fluttered open. for a second, she looked confused - then she remembered, and a slow smile spread across her face.
"good morning” she said, voice rough with sleep.
"good morning."
"did you sleep?"
"surprisingly, yes."
"mhm. good." ian shifted closer, tucking her head under juun’s chin. "ten more minutes."
"you stole my line."
"i’m stealing a lot of things from you now. your hoodies. your side of the bed. your heart."
juun laughed, pressing a kiss to the top of ian’s head. "god, you’re insufferable."
"you love me."
"i truly do."
the words came easily now. naturally. like they'd always been there, waiting to be spoken.
ian lifted her head, meeting juun’s eyes. her expression softened.
"say it again."
"i love you."
"again."
"i love you, ian."
ian kissed her, slowly and sweetly. a kiss full of promise.
"i love you too, juun."
they stayed in bed until jiwoo banged on the door, yelling that they were going to be late for practice.
and when they walked into the practice room together, shoulders brushing, ian’s hand briefly finding juun’s before letting go, no one noticed anything different.
but everything was different.
and for the first time in a long time, juun felt like she could breathe.