It's Hard Letting You Go

AngelOpps

If Atsumu were being honest, he would say that marriage changed nothing besides the necklace with the ring that he wore around his neck.

He and Shoyo had already been living together since the beginning of their relationship, mostly because they were roommates before it all started. It was simple, when Shoyo came back to Japan after living two years in Brazil, he didn't have a place to live in Osaka, especially after he joined the MSBY Black Jackals. Atsumu, being someone with a good heart, offered to share his house with Shoyo, with no interest or ulterior motives, and clearly without being in love with him!

Which was pretty obvious to anyone who knows Atsumu. He had always been obsessed with Shoyo, ever since the first time they played against each other. Every opportunity he had to have Shoyo to himself, he seized it as if it were the last, whether it was just a chance to watch him from afar, or to finally talk to him. Atsumu made those opportunities count, he grabbed them and took as much advantage as he could.

When they started living together, Atsumu thought it was the best thing that had ever happened in his life, after volleyball, of course. Having Shoyo back in Japan and playing alongside him were already great joys, which only grew when they started living together.

Gradually, they began gravitating toward each other, whether by proximity or attraction. It didn't take long for them to start dating, Atsumu couldn't keep his mouth shut for very long and ended up telling Shoyo he was in love with him, three months after they had started living together.

Now married, everything remained the same. They still woke up together, had breakfast together, ran around the entire block together, then went to practice together, trained, discussed strategies, came back home, had dinner together, and slept together. It was a routine both followed traditionally and put all their effort into keeping the same. They had been doing the same thing for years — years of the same perfect routine for both of them.

“I received an… offer from a different team,” Shoyo said while they were in the kitchen making dinner.

Atsumu furrowed his brow. He knew Shoyo always received different offers, but he never discussed them with Atsumu. Most of the time, he rejected them quickly, dismissing the idea, regardless of the benefits he might gain.

“Hm? Which team was it this time?”

“Asas São Paulo.”

“Never heard of them.”

“It's a Brazilian team.”

Atsumu stopped. Time seemed to stop as well. There was no sound in the room except for their breathing. He knew his husband, he knew there was a reason Shoyo was bringing this up now.

“Is that good?” Atsumu seemed uncertain of what to say. He knew he should react differently, but he couldn't.

“It's a really good offer.” Shoyo seemed cautious.

“Can we talk about this later?”

Silence took over the space. Neither of them spoke for some time. Dinner was silent and tense. Atsumu wasn't trying to ruin Shoyo's happiness, he just wasn't ready to face what this conversation could mean.

During the night, he had trouble sleeping. His thoughts tormented him to death, the idea of Shoyo changing teams, now of all times, when they had just gotten married, was stealing his sleep. It was hard for him to accept that there was even the slightest possibility of Shoyo accepting this offer and going to Brazil.

The feeling was similar to what he felt when his brother left volleyball behind. He felt betrayed. It was an overreaction, of course. He and Shoyo had just gotten married, and even if Shoyo went to Brazil, that didn't mean the marriage was over.

Atsumu understood Shoyo.

Volleyball was their obsession, they loved this sport. Every day they pushed themselves harder and harder to be the best, making sacrifices over the years to be where they were. Going to a better team, with even more incredible players, was an ambition for both of them, it was a great reward for all the effort they've poured into this obsession. The MSBY Black Jackals were incredible, but they knew there were better teams around the world, and being on one of them was almost a dream.

But Atsumu wanted the two of them to do it together. The idea of no longer having Shoyo — someone who understood his love for volleyball down to his soul — on the court gave him chills. It would be like when he felt lonely at MSBY when he first started playing for the team, still adjusting to not having someone who seemed to read his mind in terms of plays and trust. It took him almost a year to leave behind the reflex of thinking Osamu was on the court with him.

He wondered, if Shoyo really went to Brazil, how many years it would take for the reflex of playing with him to fade away.

Atsumu tossed and turned in bed. He couldn't calm his thoughts.

He was scared.

It was a fear with no sense behind it, but when does fear need to make sense?

Fear of losing Shoyo. He knew he wouldn’t lose Shoyo, but he knew that now — and in the future? Could he be certain he wouldn't lose Shoyo in the future? Who could guarantee that nothing would happen to Shoyo in the future? What if Shoyo changed his mind about the marriage? What if he realized he deserved something better than Atsumu? And then, what would happen?

Atsumu got out of bed and quietly left the room. Staying there lying down would make him spiral further into bad thoughts. He decided he would watch something, occupy his mind with whatever was on TV. He needed to distract himself, or he would go insane.

There was nothing interesting on TV, he just flipped through channels searching for something to catch his attention, but it was in vain, his mind wasn't there, no matter how hard he tried.

He was already beginning to taste blood in his mouth from biting it so much, feeling his chest tighten, as if an invisible hand were clutching his heart. His leg wouldn't stay still from shaking it so much.

Atsumu felt like the worst husband in the world for not being able (not even in his thoughts) to let Shoyo go to Brazil. He didn't want his husband far from him, didn't want to see his husband only through a phone screen, didn't want to go without his kisses and hugs, without his affection and love. Love only through a screen and with a twelve hour time difference seemed too painful to accept, even if only for a few years.

Long distance relationships were hard to maintain, with such a huge time difference and completely swapped routines, Atsumu couldn't imagine what their marriage would look like.

“Atsumu?” Shoyo called softly. He was standing at the bedroom door, rubbing his sleepy eyes.

“Did I wake you?”

“Maybe.” Silence. “You weren't in bed.”

“Can't sleep.”

“Hm, I get it.” Shoyo came closer, sitting on the sofa next to his husband. Both had their eyes on whatever was on TV, some random entertainment show. Shoyo tried to get more comfortable by resting his head on Atsumu's shoulder. “So, do you want to talk about it, or do you just want to stay sitting here watching?”

“Second option.”

“Okay, but don't blame me if I fall asleep, alright?” Shoyo pouted.

Atsumu looked at his husband and kissed his hair, pulling him closer. They rearranged themselves on the sofa so that Shoyo was lying on Atsumu's chest while he sat with his feet stretched out on the couch. The weight of Shoyo on him was already familiar to Atsumu, they had a habit of staying in this position whenever they watched something together.

Atsumu went back to biting his lips at the mere thought that, if Shoyo went to Brazil, they wouldn't be able to share affection like this for a long time.

He was already missing something that hadn't even happened yet, when they hadn't even discussed whether Shoyo would go to Brazil or not. His arms tightened around Shoyo's body without him noticing, holding him tightly.

“Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?” Shoyo's voice was serious, as if he knew what Atsumu was thinking.

“I'm sure.”

Silence. The TV was still on, playing some show neither of them was paying attention to. Atsumu's mind was still racing with thoughts, and his arms kept pulling and squeezing Shoyo against him.

“When I told you about the offer I received, I was just mentioning a possibility. You know I wouldn't go to the other side of the world without talking to you first about this offer and whether it's worth it. You understand, Atsumu?”

“Don't talk to me like I'm a child. Of course I understand!”

“Then why are you so insecure?”

Those words hit him in the chest, because they were true. Atsumu felt very insecure about Shoyo's possible departure, but he couldn't easily get rid of the insecurities he had.

For years and years, he had been insecure, wondering if there was anyone who truly liked him besides his family. Atsumu knew he didn't have the best personality, but that didn't mean he wanted everyone to ignore him, or that they didn't want to be his friend. Even now as an adult, this small insecurity still haunted him, even though there was no longer any reason for it.

“I don't know,” Atsumu whispered. “I just… I'm scared of being alone.”

Shoyo lifted himself from where he was only to turn around and face Atsumu. His expression was pained, as if Atsumu's words had hurt him deeply. His brow was intensely furrowed, and his eyes, his most expressive feature, seemed to have storms colliding within them.

“I don't want you to feel alone. You're not alone anymore. That was the promise we made in our wedding vows. Even the greatest distance can't separate us. I will always come back to you! Always! Believe in me! I love you, Atsumu. I chose you as my husband, and I would choose you a thousand times to be my husband in this life and in others. Only you. You complete me in ways I can't explain. It's as if a part of me recognizes that you are what I'm missing, you fill all those spaces and more. A long distance relationship won't destroy all of that.”

Shoyo held Atsumu's face, his expression desperate, trying to prove to his husband that his words were true. He knew better than anyone how insecurities can destroy you from the inside, and that was the last thing he wanted his husband to feel.

Atsumu pulled Shoyo into a hug, squeezing him so tightly that their bodies almost fused together. It was horrible to think that he had doubted, even for a moment, that Shoyo would leave him. Shoyo loved Atsumu the same way Atsumu loved him, and that was a non-negotiable fact.

“I don't want you to give up on this offer because of me. I know how much this can change your career. It's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, even if you're far from me for some time. We'll figure it out.”

Atsumu knew his insecurities wouldn't disappear overnight, that it would take much more from him before his fear finally vanished. But he would never let his anxiety consume him and prevent his husband from achieving the best he could.

Shoyo kissed him — a pure , slow, and loving kiss. A kiss of gratitude, of understanding, of love, and a way of saying that:

“We're going to be okay.”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

Both laughed. Atsumu felt lighter. His head no longer seemed so full, and his thoughts no longer felt so tangled. He could finally sleep and leave his worries and problems for his future self.

Everything would be okay because he had Shoyo and Shoyo had Atsumu. And nothing else mattered.