Work Text:
Atsushi slowly entered akutagawas House, how did he even get in? Well..
dazai ones made him a key to his house, and he didn't use it since. Atsushi was against that idea, but after he realised that After all.. akutagawa always entered the agency through the window (broke in.) so he didn't feel too guilty about it. He was just curious, dazai was pestering him to do it for weeks! So he gave up.
So this is how he ended up inside a dark corridor. Atsushi closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he wasn't a child to be scared of the dark.. but deep down he knew that the dark wasn't the thing that scared him, but the thought of which part of him akutagawa would slice off for him breaking into his house.. but his healing ability would fix it in no time, even if it was uncomfortable. It wasn't the biggest cost to suprise akutagawa.
So, atsushi walked through the corridor that led to akutagawa's bedroom, he knew it because dazai even made him an overlay of akutagawa's house.. he tried not to think hard about it.
He found the room, akutagawa was inside, he heard the sound of cloth being put, or removed. This realisation made his face dust a bit pink. But he just shook his head, he will just knock, akutagawa would put his clothes back on if he does so. and so he was about to knock on the door.
yes, he did enter his house without his permission. But akutagawa broke into the agency so many times.. through the window!! So he thought it was a green light to make akutagawa understand how it feels. He knocked ones, and heard akutagawa's voice "who is it?" It seemed on edge. Like he wasn't expecting guests.. well, understandable. "Atsushi!" He said. "What are you doing in my house??" Atsushi thought that akutagawa didn't send rushomon to cut him in half yet, so it was a green light to enter the room.
So he did, Atsushi opened the door. and gasped at the sight in front of him. akutagawa was standing there almost fully bare, only in his underwear.
He was about to close his eyes But then he noticed something, he was covered in scars. But not battle scars, the uneven and scrappy. They were perfectly lined up.. on his wrist, on the other side of the arms. On his tights.. he knew what those were.
He expected scars, he was a mafioso after all. But.. they would not be planted there, only if they were self inflicted. akutagawa seemed to notice it too, as his eyes went wide. he quickly put on a long sleeve shirt and long pants, like he always wore, even in the hottest days of summer. Oh. That explains a lot.
But atsushi already saw it. arms and legs, covered in scars. too straight to be accidents. and some of them looked less than a month old. Atsushi just stood in the door way, staring at akutagawa. who was seemingly trying to come up with am excuse for the scars.
"Akutagawa-" "it's not what it looks like! I don't do it.. anymore." Akutagawa averted his eyes. Atsushi just stood in shock, he didn't do it..anymore? "Listen, I didn't know what else to do back then.. dazai isn't really the best inspiration figure.." akutagawa wrapped his hands around his torso, mimicking his coat. He looked back at atsushi with dispersion "can you say something already??" He took a step closer to atsushi but then backed away. Akutagawa was visibly panicking. Frown on his face, Eyes darting between atsushi and his now covered arms and legs.
What will atsushi think of him? Will he think he's weak for using this type of escape? Will he tell someone about it? Dazai? Chuuya? Gin??Oh god, anyone but her.
Atsushi understood that he will need to regain his composure before rushomon will slice his limbs off for just staring at akutagawa and not saying anything. he took a deep breath and said "it's alright, I just didn't expect it. How old is the most recent one?" Atsushi then understood it wasn't the best question, asking him that after he broke into his house, it's.. a bit stupid. "It's none of your concern weretiger! How dare you even ask that.. I will kill you!" His desperation turned into anger, he expected that from akutagawa. But he knew it was empty promises, they had their deal about him not killing anyone for six months, so atsushi knew he was safe.
Akutagawa was still panicking. and it was visible on his face, eyes darting at anything that may help his situation, but it was too late. His greatest rival now knew another one of his secrets that nobody knew about. Fuck.
"Do you.. need any help?" Atsushi knew the question was stupid, but he didn't know what else to say. The injuries weren't too deep, and mostly looked completely healed, thankfully. Then he had a realisation. "Akutagawa, Are you suicidal?" He asked, now with more concern in his voice than before.
Akutagawa immediately stepped back at the question, as if it surprised him to the core, he was opening and closing his mouth before.. "I don't.. I don't really know." He wavered at first, but then said it more steady. "It's complicated."
That answer didn't really made atsushi less stressed. But it wasn't akutagawa's job to make him less worried. So he sighed, trying to calm himself down. "Do you need help? I can do stuff, like uh.. check on you! Every day or so." Atsushi nodded, almost as if to himself.
Akutagawa looked at him blankly. "And why would I want that?" He frowned even more. Atsushi looked to the side and said "I read that that most suicidal people are less likely to.. attempt, if someone is with them constantly." Akutagawa blinked. Atsushi rubbed the back of his neck. "I did some research, some time ago. for dazai and stuff." He looked away, he didn't know if comparing the two was a good idea.
"Don't compare me to him. And I decline, I don't have a plan on doing anything." Akutagawa closed his eyes and shook his head, as he crossed his arms. "For now." This part was lowly murmured under his breath, as he slowly opened his eyes to look to the side. That didn't really help his case.
"It wasn't really a question, more like, a statement." Atsushi mattered.
Akutagawa looked a bit taken back, but then he said confidently "What if I kill myself on a mission? Or after doing one? You can't stick to me on my missions, they are of the port mafia." Akutagawa spatted. Like he was daring atsushi to think of something to answer to that.
"You seem like the type to do it in your house, I don't think you want a stranger find your laying dead corpse on the ground after a mission." Atsushi said confidently.
"I seem like the type to kill myself in the comfort of my own house, is that what you're saying, weretiger?" Akutagawa mocked him, even though he knew there was some truth in his words, but he will never admit it. So he looked at him like he was thinking if he even had brains, for him to say something like that.
Atsushi frowned "ughh, you know this is not what I meant! You're just trying to make me go away, but I already made my decision." Atsushi moved towards akutagawa, as akutagawa backed away and was about to use rushomon until, atsushi grabbed his wrists with both of his hands and put them together, in front of both of them. "I will help you akutagawa, I promise." Atsushi said confidently and determent. Akutagawa knew that if the weretiger put his mind to something, he will go all the way with it. So now he was standing in front of the fact that now, he will be pestered by the weretiger, for months at least.
He can't wait for the six months deal to come due, so he could just kill the weretiger and then-
...
and then what?
If he will kill the weretiger, dazai will approve of him. But he didn't crave it anymore, he didn't even thought about dazai when he was getting his head crushed, before his death, the one he was thinking of was..
Atsushi.
When did he stopped caring about dazai's approval, and started to search for atsushi instead? What did he want from atsushi? Approval? No.. he was done with shit like that. But it was his reason to live, what else can be a reason to live? Nobody taught him anything other than seeking approval, He doesn't have a reason now. He has nothing stopping him from killing himself right this moment, even right in front of the weretiger, if he wanted to.
But the thought of him made him feel something he didn't feel since he escaped the slums, the feeling was.. fear. He had nothing holding him back, he can just..
die.
Does he want to die? He is definitely scared of it. But does he want to live? No, definitely not.
But the feeling of him being scared, has him choking on air. He coughed a few times, to make the feeling go away, Which is how he remembered that he was still in his house, with atsushi, standing in front of him. "Akutagawa, what happened? You're just staring at the floor. Can you tell me? Please? I will try to help, I promised." Atsushi's expression is between confusion, and fear of what akutagawa is thinking right now.
He doesn't have a reason to live, but He doesn't want to die, the feeling of the thought is disgusting,
Suffocating, he couldn't breathe. What does he need to do to make it stop? What did he do last time he felt like that?
Right.
"Can you give me any reason at all, as to why I should live?" The question was asked the figure in the black coat, by a child, no older than 13. It didn't help him last time. But, he didn't have another choice then, So does he now.
"I don't have a reason to live, what is my purpose in this life? I can just die and nothing will change." Akutagawa looked at atsushi, just like he did when he looked at dazai, that eventful night.
Atsushi stared at him for a long seconds, like thinking about each word he was about to say. "Akutagawa, humans don't need a purpose or a role to fulfil. They are made without purpose, they are made to live, nothing else. I can't give you a reason to continue, because it's for you to find it. If we do it your way again, you will be dependent on me, just like you were on dazai." Atsushi signed. "Maybe we should.. find you a hobby? Like a first step! To you know.. staying alive?" Atsushi released akutagawa's hands, and put his own hand on akutagaw's cheeks, the warm hands were pleasant to akutagaw's cold face. "Hmm.. did you ever had hobbies?" Atsushi asked, looking straight into his eyes.
Akutagawa looked stunned by the question, and said after a long pause, of just staring at atsushi "I used to like calligraphy, but dazai said that it is useless because no one needs a better looking writing, everyone just needs a writing that can be read easily. And said I'm just wasting my time, so I stopped." Akutagawa said, expression looking upset, as if it was something important to him in the past, but forgotten over years.
"Okay, so let's start with calligraphy! I will bring a pen and a paper, I will find it somewhere in the house!" Before akutagawa couldn't mutter a word out, atsushi was his behind a random door in akutagawa's apartment and closed it behind himself. "Sure." Akutagawa said quietly, mostly to himself.
And for the first time in the last month, his first reaction to staying alone wasn't the thoughts of harming himself, but rather the anticipation of something new, something he forget existed, coming back to his life, with a new person in it to help him.