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The crying doesn't stop.
Lohen sits on the couch in the living room, looking as if he was ready to jump into action, but he doesn't. He sits still, as if his Cryo Vision malfunctioned and had frozen him on the spot.
It's like an alarm, calling for him to take action.
But he doesn't. His body refuses to move, it's too heavy for him to lift up. He's too tired.
Illuga moves from his position in the kitchen, walks past Lohen without even looking at him and beelines for the bedroom. The crying becomes muffled as Illuga closes the door behind him. Aedon wills himself out of Illuga’s lantern laying somewhere nearby, and the nightingale perches itself on Lohen's shoulder. It serves itself as an attempted way of grounding the Knight, to distract him, but it's of no use.
Lohen listens as Illuga talks to the baby, calls her name, uses a tone so gentle and kind, Lohen doesn't understand why he cannot bring himself to talk to her like that. It takes a solid ten minutes for Illuga to get their child quiet. He stares blankly ahead of him, not really having a focus point as he listens to the Lightkeeper murmuring sweet words of affection to her, and as a lullaby emerges from the bedroom. The lullaby gets louder for a singular second as Illuga gently opens and closes the bedroom door, having successfully shushed a fussy baby. Then it's quiet, and Lohen can't tell if that's better or worse.
Illuga steps closer to him, and crouches in front of his partner. “Thank you, Aedon,” he tells the bird on Lohen's shoulder, giving it a few pets before dismissing it. He then moves his hands to those that were gripping the Knight’s knees. He wiggles them loose, and proceeds to hold said hands in his own. “Are you okay?” he asked with a slight tilt of his head, seeing hazy eyes sharpen, focusing on him.
Lohen nods his head.
“...Are you sure?”
.
. .
. . .
“ ‘M sorry . . . ” It’s almost whispered out.
Illuga sighs as he leans up to wrap his boyfriend in a warm, comforting hug. “Bunny…”
It's been one month since the birth of their daughter, Niki.
The birth itself was a wonderful thing. It went way better than they'd feared, and both Lohen and Illuga were over the moon when they finally met their little bundle of joy. Their companions were delighted, as well.
-
“Am I the first?” Illuga’s adoptive father had asked when he stepped into the room, feeling a sense of pride when his son nodded in confirmation. “Did it all go well?”
Illuga smiled, something he wasn't able to conceal since a few hours prior. It was a smile that nearly went from one ear to the other, and it was contagious to his partner when he gently took their daughter in his arms, showing her (off) to his father.
“Oh…” Nikita sighed in complete awe of his granddaughter. It's been so long since he last saw such youth, and it being his debut as grandfather made it that more special.
“Do you want to know her name?” Lohen asked from the bed, still rather tired from the process of the birth.
“Of course.”
Illuga glanced at Lohen, who did the exact same, as if they were silently communicating who was going to reveal it before he turned back to his father and said; “Pops, meet Niki Onroda Nightingale.”
A frown placed itself on Nikita’s face as he processed the question, before a small realization hit. “You mean…?” and when Illuga nodded, his always so tense shoulders dropped. “Son…”
-
Nikita had been the only one who was allowed to visit so soon after birth. With how well it had gone, everyone was dismissed rather quickly, and everything went well for a short while. All their companions had received letters about the birth and the wellbeing of Lohen and their child, and when they were allowed to visit. They'd written down a week from when the letters were written and sent, but shortly after, Lohen had gotten worse. It wasn't difficult to figure out that postpartum depression had rooted itself in his heart, and Illuga had to write to everyone once more with an apology and an explanation as to why they couldn't meet their daughter just yet, and an uncertainty of when they would.
Lohen nuzzles into the crook of Illuga’s neck, and before he knows it, silent tears spill from his eyes, and he's clutching on the back of Illuga’s sweater like his life depends on it. It's not an unfamiliar routine by now, but it doesn't make him feel less bad for his boyfriend, which only added to the storm that had worked itself up in his head.
“It's okay,” Illuga reassured him, a sentence Lohen has heard maybe too many times now, but said with that voice, coming from the person that kept holding him over and over again, it still felt calming. “You're going to be alright, I promise,” he rubbed Lohen's back gently, knowing that it helps a little, but just enough to ground the hare.
They stay like this for a while, until Lohen's breath has stabilised, and until no tears are falling anymore.
Illuga leaned away, returning to his earlier position. There was a smile on his face, the only one that Lohen could handle at this moment. “Do you want lohikeitto?”
A shake of his head.
“Soup?”
A nod.
Normally, Lohen eats anything that his lover makes, and lohikeitto is his favourite of all, but just thinking about eating it makes him feel unwell. Illuga knows this. He also knows that soup is something Lohen favours because of this, because it's not too strong, and doesn't take a lot to digest.
Illuga nods as well, and stands up straight. He offers his hands to his beloved, and Lohen takes them, allowing Illuga to hoist him up from the couch and guide him to the kitchen, where Illuga sits him down on a chair around the small, round dining table before the Ratnik goes to prepare dinner.
As he does this, his mind wanders.
It's rather hurtful, seeing his lively, enthusiastic, yet odd and maybe a little crazy boyfriend turn from the battle and power hungry but fun vice-captain that he was into this; lacking in energy, present but absent, quiet, and reserved. He knows that who he's fallen in love with is still there. Lohen is still who he loves, no matter what he's going through. Illuga just has to stay patient, and has to stay hopeful on his beloved’s behalf. It's a matter of time before Lohen is back to his old self. It's just uncertain how much time that is exactly. But he's willing to wait, willing to be patient, and much much more willing to help Lohen through this, no matter what it takes.
The soup isn't fresh, and therefore is done within mere minutes.
“Here,” Illuga says as he places a bowl with the soup in front of Lohen, together with a spoon. He then grabs his own portion, and sits down in front of his boyfriend.
They eat in silence, and when they're done, Illuga stands up to collect their dirty dishes and to put them in the sink to wash them later, but Lohen grabs him by his wrist to stop him.
“I… I want to try.” He murmurs out, looking down at his own bowl. He really, really doesn't want to. But he already feels so goddamn useless, and albeit also feeling tired, and although he's already feeling like he's being eaten alive by maggots, he needs to try. He needs to stop being such a useless shi—
“You don't have to if you don't want to,” Illuga reassures him again, that damn smile on his face again. “I can do it, too.”
But you do way too much already.
You already take care of her because I can't even bring myself to hold her.
You do everything in this house because I can't do anything. Anything at all.
Illuga proceeds to do the dishes about an hour or so later.
And when they go to bed, it's Lohen that passes by the sleeping baby in her crib. Illuga’s not in the room yet, still brushing his teeth in the bathroom.
Lohen kneels down, and brings a finger to Niki’s cheek, caressing it oh so lightly. The baby stirs in her sleep, and a tiny hand comes up and curls around the finger. Yet Lohen feels his stomach churn.
Why?
Why can I not feel as happy as I did when you just arrived?
Why do I feel like blaming you?
You can't do anything yet.
His eyes narrowed.
I want to hold you.
I want to love you.
I know I love you.
But why doesn't it feel like I do?
What do I do?
He stays there until the hand loosens enough for him to wiggle his finger out and stand back up. It's only then that Illuga enters the room.
Illuga, who glances at him, not with disappointment or hatred for the predicament they're all in.
But with patience, care, and love. All for Lohen. Some also for Niki, but most of it for Lohen. Despite the fact that Lohen is keeping him from work, and is making him go through hell and back (which is what Lohen, and Lohen only thinks), Illuga’s love never falters.
They crawl into bed together, ready to finally hit the hay, something Lohen has been feeling like he's been wanting to do since he woke up this morning.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, I'll try.
-
A large hand goes to knock on the door.
Both Flins and Varka wait for someone to open up.
“I can't believe it's finally time,” Varka says with a bit of a sigh as he retracts his hand, resting it against his hip. “How long has it been now?”
“Four months,” Flins said rather quickly, as if he's been counting the days.
“Four months…” The Grandmaster echoes in a whisper, bringing a hand up to scratch his chin through his still growing beard. “I can't imagine-”
Flins glanced up at him. “Let's not speak of this on their property, especially this soon after.”
Varka nods. “You're right, sorry. It's a good day today.”
The front door of Illuga’s abode in Piramida opened, and the man himself greeted them with a smile. “Hi, come in.” He stepped to the side, creating enough space for the two men to enter.
“It's wonderful to see you, young master.” Flins said as he walked in, keeping his eyes on the silver haired. “Nikita has requested me to keep an eye on your squad during your absence, and I can assure you that they're faring well. Perhaps they have gained some heightened senses, but that's all in good light.”
Illuga sighed. “That's good to hear… the first part, that is… and it's good to see you too, sir Flins. You as well, sir Varka.” he talked in a manner as if his mood today couldn't be killed. It was a very good sign.
“You too, kid. Very good to see you,” Varka said, his own heartfelt smile matching Illuga’s. He then glanced around. “Has Lohen gone out? Or do I need to keep my wits up, or…”
“None of the sorts,” Illuga said calmly. “Please, take a seat. I'll prepare some tea and coffee.”
Both taller men obliged, sitting down on the couch in the living room as they waited for their drinks, and of course, hopefully, also something else.
“Oh, Flins, did you bring the gift?” Varka asked as he remembered.
Flins gave him a pleased expression. “But of course,”
“You didn't have to prepare a gift,” Illuga said as he entered the living room with a tray of mugs, a still steaming tea pot, and a various assortment of teas. “Her existence in itself is one already.”
Flins’ expression only worsened. “Oh, but we insist.” He held his hand out, and one item appeared out of blue flames, into the palm of his hands. It was a stack of small papers, pinned together, shaping into some sort of small and thin book without a cover. “These are all notes and wishes from the companions you've made. Everyone from your squad, a fair amount of Lightkeepers aside from that, your father, and many more.” He explained as he handed Illuga the papers once he'd put down the tray on the coffee table.
“Oh wow…”
“Lohen's company also wrote some notes,” Varka added. “And Mika was kind enough to deliver notes and wishes from Knights and Lohen's family in Mondstadt, too.”
Illuga flipped through the notes, already seeing various names from his squad, also spotting Lauma, Aino, and he recognised Theodore, a man he has yet to meet but has heard a lot of from Lohen. “This is amazing. Thank you so much!”
Flins repeated the thing with the blue flame, and now, a stuffed animal was put in his hands. “And this,” he caught Illuga’s attention. “Is for the little one.”
Illuga stared at the plush animal for a good few seconds. It was a bright yellow, and shaped like a bird. It was clearly made less realistic, considering how it looked like a fat but still very cute bird. But the message was clear. “Aw, her own little Aedon… how'd you even find this?” he pondered as he accepted the second gift as well, feeling how soft it is.
“A stroke of luck, I'd say,” Varka said, obviously proud of his find. “Perhaps even a blessing from the Moon Goddess herself.”
The three of them fell into a nice chat, until the bedroom door opened.
And there emerged Lohen, cradling Niki in his arms, shushing her from a temper tantrum that had occurred shortly before Flins and Varka had arrived. He was looking… much better. Not that they knew, they had only heard of the lack of light in his eyes, they hadn't witnessed it for themselves. But Illuga did, and seeing his beloved doing better, like he promised it'd get, was a giant relief, and sparked more energy in him, as well. He's still in awe of seeing his boyfriend with their little light in his arms.
“That took a while,” Illuga walked over to the two, glancing at the now asleep baby, before looking at the blue haired person he loves so much. “Are you okay?” he lowered his voice to a whisper in the already quiet room.
Lohen nodded. This time, however, with a smile plastered on his face. He was so delighted that he could finally hold her again.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, Birdie. I'm sure.” Lohen confirmed, leaning closer to Illuga to boop their noses together, something he did rarely, but still did when he was feeling extremely affectionate. He then glanced over to the two on the couch before making his way over to them. “Of course it has to be you to see her first.”
Well, not first. But first after… yeah.
“But of course,” Flins replied, eyes dead set on the baby in Lohen's arms, watching as the man sat down in a chair close enough for them to see her properly.
Varka sighed, leaning his head on his hand, balancing it on his knee. “Adorno would be proud, you know? Your parents as well.”
Lohen sighed at his Grandmaster always being such a sentimental fool. But this time, his words had a nice ring to them, and they settled in his heart just a little. A tiny bit. “I know,” he said. “Especially if he learned that she's named after him.”
“Really?!” Varka shot up, eyes wide.
Lohen hummed and nodded. “Niki Onroda Nightingale,” he let her full name slip from his tongue. It felt good. “The middle name is his backwards, but… still his name.”
“Niki?” Flins questioned with an ever so slight smile on his face. “I expected nothing less.”
The room fell silent as Lohen caressed the baby's tiny cheek with a finger, and as she, in her sleep, reached up and got a grip on said finger. It was tight, but nothing Lohen couldn't handle. Deja vu raced through his mind, but this time, he felt a genuine fondness instead of an empty ache.
Illuga came to sit on the arm of the chair, placing the bird plush between them. “For Niki,” he murmured. He then showed Lohen the papers, the notes. “and for you to read later.”
“Say…” Varka filled in the calm and somewhat quiet air. “Not to push you into anything, Lohen, but believe it or not; your subordinates miss you.”
“They miss me?” Lohen scoffed. “That's new, I thought they'd enjoy my time off.”
Varka barked out a laugh, surprisingly not waking the tiny human in the room. “Yeah, they did! But well a month in, they started to grow weary and unsure. A few of them admitted that they weren't used to the lack of alertness they usually need. It throws them out of balance and out of shape.”
“Well,” Lohen sighed, albeit a little smug. “I'll be back out soon, maybe tomorrow already. I'm dying to make Barbatos ratatouille out of some Wild Hunt.”
Illuga pinched his cheek, making Lohen yelp. “Hey, I'm supposed to be back out in the field before you. And you should take at least another week off to recover.”
“But Birdie~” Lohen looked up at him with a pout, and dog-like goo-eyes. “I really wanna go… My company needs me. I'm doing fine!”
Illuga squinted his eyes, keeping his own thoughts to himself. He knows it's unnecessary, but part of him is a little afraid that Lohen might relapse. “So does my squad with me,” Illuga insisted. He knows that Flins takes fine enough care of them, but he's itching to get back to work, too. “At least one of us has to stay back to take care of Niki. We have to figure out a stable routine for both us, her, and our work.”
“If I may intervene,” Flins spoke up again. “I doubt that Nikita would argue against watching over her every once in a while. He's well aware of both of your responsibilities, and he'd probably like a distraction from all the paperwork he does as Starshyna. You too have a lot of other trustworthy Ratniki that would love to keep an eye on one of the most promising and one of their favourite squad leader's child.”
“He's got a point,” Varka agreed. “And there are Knights at the Keep who wouldn't mind watching over her while she's still this young, too, for sure. Otherwise, uncle Varka's up for the job!” He drummed on his chest proudly.
Flins huffed. “That is a very poor excuse to get out of paperwork, my Knight.”
Varka faltered. “For you too, my Light.” knowing very well Flins included himself in the Lightkeepers he'd spoken of.
Lohen and Illuga kind of just watched as the other two went back and forth between the care of their daughter. But they couldn't complain. It's been a while since things have been this lively, they'd rather keep it this way.