Work Text:
Over the past few months, Nikolai has been feeling kinda lonely. Like yeah sure… He has Julian, Fab, Albert, Nick, and Ryan…
But he can't help but feel, melancholy.
It was 2002, and The Strokes had been touring nonstop. They were currently in Europe, Germany and Nikolai wasn't handling the traveling very well… Especially since he was very much depressed, he hasn't been sleeping too well during the whole touring process, especially while flying. He hasn't been that talkative either, not that he was talkative at all prior to the mood changes.
But there was definitely a change.
Julian, his childhood friend, had brought it up to him asking what was wrong, but Nikolai snapped at Julian randomly. Which made Julian worry even more, since Nikolai never had a random outburst like that before.
The boys had gone out to explore the streets of Hamburg, letting go of writing songs for their new album “Room On Fire” that they would release next year. Nikolai obviously stayed back at their hotel, not interested in going out when he'd rather contemplate his life in silence.
~
Nikolai pushed open his, and Julian’s hotel room. Well, Julian wasn't here right now, so it was just Nikolai's for now. Nikolai loomed in the doorway like a grey cloud, he took a step in before shutting the door behind him. He looked at the floor, his eyes filled with apathy before he walked towards one of the two beds inside the hotel room. He sat down on the edge of the bed, and stared at the floor blankly.
Nikolai sighed, and ran a hand through his light brown hair. He laid back on his bed staring at the ceiling in the dimly lit room, only the moonlight seeped into the room from the window near Julian’s bed. Nikolai wondered what the others were doing right now…
‘Probably.’
‘Drinking, and getting high… In some shady bar…’
Nikolai's eyes closed automatically, as he thought about everyone that went out before reluctantly falling asleep.
“NIKOLAI” A loud shout for Nikolai comes from the doorway of the room. Nikolai immediately sits up, startled from the loud call. The bassist looks around confused, his eyes meet with the doorway and sees Julian standing with his arms crossed.
The others were behind him, and they all looked mad as well. Nikolai looks at them, eyes still wide from the sudden call. “Wh…What happened?” Nikolai mumbles his voice a bit shaky, he was nervous. Why was everyone mad? Were they mad at him?
“Don't act stupid. You know what happened.” Julian took a few steps closer to the bed, standing in front of Nikolai who was sitting on top of the bed. Nikolai instinctively crawled backwards for some reason, his eyes flickered towards the others at the doorway.
Fab looked sad kind of?
Nick just looked disappointed.
Albert couldn't even look at Nikolai??
Ryan just shook his head and fixed his glasses.
Nikolai tilted his head confused, before looking back at Julian. “Julian… I don't know what you're talking about!?” He gulped. “I was just trying to fall asleep!” Nikolai argued at Julian who stood at the foot of the bed, squinting at Nikolai who was backing up.
“Stop fucking lying.” Julian’s voice was firm, like he wasn't messing around at all. He swiped his hand forward, an attempt to grab Nikolai’s shirt collar to pull him closer. Nikolai backed up more before Julian could grab him, his hand slipped off the bed as he reached the edge, causing him to fall onto the floor.
But, instead of him hitting the ground.
He just kept falling.
And falling.
Nikolai gasped, and sat up from the bed.
His face was covered in sweat, not to mention the collar of his shirt was also drenched with his sweat.
It was just a dream.
Oh thank god..
Nikolai looked at his shaky hands, he took quick shallow breaths still shaken from the dream. After about five minutes, he still hadn't calmed down, he was still breathing fast. His hand had moved to the middle of his shirt clutching his chest, as his heart beat faster.
Nikolai’s eyes widened with every second the symptoms got worse, he doubled over still clutching his chest as he panted. “Wha…the fuck-” Nikolai, panicked as he heard his heart beat in his ears. “Im- Im gonna fucking die. I'm gonna die, I'm gonna…” Nikolai’s sentences were breathy as he repeated himself, they went on longer with every second until he stopped just to focus on his breathing.
Nikolai looked around looking for anything that could possibly help him, he crawled towards the end of the bed where he dumped all his stuff. He dug inside his bag looking for anything he could help himself with, or something to distract him.
“Ouch!!” Nikolai pulled his hand out of the bag quickly, he panted shakily as he looked at his hand. He accidentally sliced his wrist with his shaving razor, Nikolai held his wrist in his other hand. The blood seeped out of the small slit on his wrist, Nikolai stared at the cut blankly. It still stinged, but it gave him something to distract himself with…
Nikolai slowly reached into the bag and pulled out the shaving razor, he carefully disassembled it and pulled out the razor inside. He stared at it blankly before he looked back at his wrist that had a tiny unintentional cut, he never really thought about this before…
Until now.
Nikolai lowered the razor underneath the small previous cut, he pressed it into his skin and swiped it to the side. He hissed as the pain was immediate, the blood rose from below the open skin Nikolai didn't think about it, before he immediately did it again below the one he just did. He whimpered quietly as the wounds stung, but it surprisingly stopped him from hyperventilating?
He switched hands and moved the razor to his left hand, before cutting on his right wrist.
It was until then Julian walked into the room.
But this time.
it wasn't a dream.
How could it be? He felt every cut, it couldn't be a dream, Julian blinked before he looked at Nikolai’s bed.
He saw his bassist.
On the bed.
Cutting himself.
Julian's mouth dropped, he closed the door behind him and swiftly made his way to Nikolai's bed. Nikolai looked up to see Julian standing in front of the bed, but this time it was very real. Julian grabbed the razor from Nikolai’s hand, no yelling. Just silence, and that somehow scared Nikolai more…
Julian threw the bloodied razor to the carpet floor, he stared at Nikolai for a good while before flicking down to his wrists. Yeah they were bad, he cut quite deep too… Julian knelt down next to the bed and took Nikolai’s wrist into his hand, the bassist didn't resist. He let Julian look at his hand before he finally spoke.
“Why are you doing this?” Julian looked up to Nikolai, his voice was low. Firm like he was serious about this, but also a bit soft because he knew how vulnerable Nikolai must have been right now. Nikolai just looked to the side, not facing Julian before shrugging. “To distract myself…” Nikolai mumbled quietly in the grey room.
Julian hummed, before asking another question. “When did you start doing this?” Nikolai, only just today cut himself. He never thought of actually doing it, the idea should have come sooner…
“Just today.” Nikolai said quietly, before glancing at Julian. Julian sighed, he inspected Nikolai's cuts before wincing as his eyes lingered. “Jesus Niko…Why did you cut deep?” Julian frowned, he sounded sad on Nikolai's behalf. Nikolai didn't know how to answer, he didn't know why.
He just did.
Maybe he wasn't thinking straight when he started cutting, or maybe he accidentally applied too much pressure on accident. Julian’s other hand moved to caress Nikolai's cheek softly, Nikolai looked at Julian with small tears beading in his eyes. Julian felt bad for Nikolai, he knew he'd been feeling sad, but he couldn't talk to him without Nikolai getting mad.
Julian sat on the edge of the bed, he leaned in and pressed a small kiss on Nikolai’s forehead, before taking Nikolai’s hand and looking at his cuts. “Please don’t do this again okay..?” Julian’s voice was soft and quiet. Nikolai nodded, he promised himself that he would try for Julian's sake.
Julian then brought Nikolai’s wrist up to his lips, Julian kissed Nikolai's cuts. Just a faint press of his lips, not hard enough to hurt Nikolai… Because they still stung, a lot actually.
Nikolai tensed at the kiss on his wrist, it was such an intimate gesture. Not sexual in any way, just… Tender. He eventually loosened up after a second, he smiled softly. Julian felt the blood creep into his lips, he tasted the iron-ish taste of blood on his mouth, he couldn't help but licking his lips. He moved to kiss Nikolai's other wrist, he did the same, kissed it softly, the blood got on his lips and he licked it.
Julian finally pulled away, and looked at Nikolai. Without another word he hugged Nikolai, and kissed his cheek. Nikolai felt his heart warm from the affection, Julian then positioned himself besides Nikolai and leaned both of them back. They laid beside each other on the bed, hugging. Nikolai leaned into the hug, finally feeling something other than sadness.
As Julian kept holding Nikolai quietly, Nikolai found himself slowly drifting off into quiet slumber.
Right before he fell asleep he heard one final word from Julian.
“I love you Niko.”