Archive of Our Own

sick of these nights to come

to be engulfed in silence

in your gaze where i’m seen

consume me

— cure, AKUGETSU & PARK BYEONG HOON

alien stage, VIVINOS

Love was a confusing topic for Charles.

Growing up, he never once felt love for anyone. Romantic love, not platonic. Sure, he loved his friends, but he never wanted to kiss them or hold hands with them.

He was never interested in romantic comedies or romantic tragedies. He didn’t listen to love songs. He threw away anything he received on Valentine's day, or gave all of his sweets to his friends because he wasn’t interested. He watched in silence as everyone around him found people to love. He noticed classmates giving shy looks to each other. He noticed as people held hands on the bus. He noticed his neighbors going on dates.

He noticed as his parents fell out of love with each other before falling in love with other people. 

Love was everywhere he looked. Humans fell in love. Animals fell in love. Fictional characters fell in love. It seemed like even plants fell in love, by the way the flowers in his mother’s backyard seemed to wrap around each other.

All of his younger siblings constantly gushed about their crushes or who they found cute that day (not that their young love ever lasted, anyway). When they asked him if he found anyone cute, he would tell them no. He didn't get why they cared so much about other people's looks.

He felt weird, like he was different from everyone else simply because he never fell in love. No one ever judged him for it, but they did give him weird looks when he admitted he had never held hands with anyone, or had his first kiss. His own mother begged him to find a nice girl to marry, but he told her he didn’t want to. Not that he didn’t want to date a girl, but because he didn’t want to date anyone, and he didn’t understand why.

She didn’t understand either. No one he knew did. His friends just shrugged it off, telling him that he simply hadn’t met the right person. But, there was no right person. Everywhere he looked, everywhere he went, love never came. It never blessed him.

Julian, his tutor and childhood best friend, once explained it to him. They were 13 and 15 years old, sitting underneath a tree after football practice.

Looking up with his childhood innocence, Charles had asked, “is there something wrong with me that prevents me from falling in love?”

He had asked because they were reading some plays in his literature class. They were about true love, and what love does to people who are desperate and broken. 

His teacher explained it like love was something that happened to everyone. Like love was normal, and if you didn’t experience it, you were abnormal. It didn’t help that his classmates agreed. They all talked about their own stories, whether it was about them or their parents.

“Sometimes, people don’t love,” Julian had answered. “They don’t kiss. They don’t hold hands. They stay alone, and are happy that way.”

They never chose not to love anyone. They were just wired that way.

“If you never fall in love, then you never fall in love. That’s all there is to it. You were just created to be independent.”

The thing was, Charles didn’t know if he was wired that way, if he was destined to be lonely forever. It wasn’t going to kill him. He knew that. He was just going to live by himself, sleep by himself, do chores by himself, and grow up by himself. 

Eventually, his friends would find lovers of their own and leave him behind. He was going to have no one. He accepted this future. If other people didn’t fight it, why would he? If he was never going to fall in love, why worry about it?

Eventually, he stopped caring. He stopped paying attention. He shook his head when people asked if he ever had a crush. He shrugged when people asked why he hadn’t kissed anyone yet.

It was because of this lack of experience that caught him off guard. 

It was during exam season at his university abroad that it finally caught up to him. He was a transfer student from France attending a Japanese school. He was there for their astronomy program, his tuition covered by the university’s desperate attempts to raise young mathematical geniuses. Julian had previously attended the school as well, but for a completely different program. At least he wasn’t alone.

He was sitting on his bed, scrolling through his social media out of boredom. His friends were all out doing things with their friend groups, leaving Charles to wallow in his loneliness by himself. It wasn’t that they were excluding him, he just didn’t fit in very well with them. They were mainly friends inside of classes, not outside, only meeting to study for specific tests or to play pranks on classmates they didn’t like.

He first saw Karasu’s post with his other friends, Otoya, Yukimiya, and Hiori. They were at some sort of theme park, celebrating the end of their exams. It looked really fun. He left a like and tagged Julian, as if he were suggesting they go together (which he definitely was). Next, he saw Michael’s post at a popular aquarium in Tokyo. The picture was focused on Alexis, who was watching turtles slowly swim across the tank in complete awe. Charles doubted Michael had seen the reflection of the glass, because he would have never posted it if he noticed the fond looking he was giving Alexis.

Then, he saw Kurona’s story. He was at the beach with Kiyora. Charles liked it and replied with a shark emoji.

However, what had made him feel funny hadn’t been any of those posts. It was Isagi’s post that had started everything. He was hanging out in a park with his close friend group, and the group was split into different pairs. In the background of Isagi and Bachira’s selfie, his bestest friend in the whole world, Niko, was sitting with one of Isagi’s other friends, Nanase. The two were laughing at something out of view. Based on the tags, it was probably Chigiri and Kunigami.

It made Charles feel weird. He reacted to it with a pout, squinting his eyes at the two as he tried to understand why they were sitting so close together. 

Being dormmates, it was no surprise that the two naturally gravitated toward each other. Charles was the only one who could reduce Niko to tears from laughing so much. He was the only one who turned him from an introvert to an extrovert in the matter of seconds. 

They also had the same vision when it came to humanity's future. Charles had wanted to discover life on other planets, whereas Niko wanted to rediscover life that had previously lived on their own.

Niko was the only person Charles was comfortable enough to completely relax around, now that Julian had transferred to a neighboring university. They had planned to see a movie later in the week, but seeing the other boy look so happy with someone who wasn’t him made him frown. He didn’t understand why, but he couldn’t help but feel jealous. Why were they sitting so close together, sharing a rare laugh that Niko only shared with Charles?

Niko was allowed to hang out with anyone he wanted to, so why was Charles so bothered by it?

Shutting off his phone, Charles tossed it onto his bed before collapsing on it. He was tired of feeling like he had butterflies filling his stomach. No matter how much he tried not to think about it, he kept failing, and his mind returned to the image of Niko getting along with someone else.

Feeling a tickle in the back of his throat, he sighed before trying to clear it. When it barely itched the feeling, he tried clearing his mouth harder.

It didn’t work. The tickle didn’t go away; it felt like something was blocking up his throat, as if he were choking on food (which was weird, seeing as he hadn’t eaten since waking up).

He hoped he wasn’t sick. Unlike all of his friends, he had one more exam left. Being sick could ruin his exam grade and tank his GPA. He also didn’t want to spread it around, just in case he accidentally causes an entire pandemic.

Stumbling to his kitchen, Charles grabbed a water bottle from the counter, trying to ease his throat as he sipped the liquid. It didn’t help, as the object barely budged. It became harder to breathe, and his saliva was building up in his mouth.

Charles leaned over the sink, hitting his back as he coughed into it. His eyes snapped shut as he began choking, trying to get the foreign object unstuck. Tears began slipping from his eyes as he choked. Nothing worked.

Panicking, he started gagging. 

He hated the feeling of throwing up. It was definitely his least favorite thing from his childhood. 

He gagged until he felt his throat clear up. Something small glided past his tongue, wet and slimy, and he internally grimaced at the feeling of it. He also felt embarrassed for choking on such a small object. Did a leaf fall into his mouth while he was sleeping?

Impossible. He slept with his face on the pillow. 

When he opened his eyes, he was met with a small white petal sitting in his sink. It was beautiful, glowing underneath the bright light of his kitchen. It looked like the flowers his mom used to grow before the divorce.

A petal, from a flower.

It took him a few seconds to register it, and when he did, he felt fear growing inside of him. His insides felt heavier than before, and his breathing began to quicken.

A fucking petal had just come out of his throat. He stared down at it with shock and horror. Complete, utter horror. He hadn’t eaten any flowers or any kind of seeds before. Not even sunflower seeds, because he was terrified of the rumors of them growing inside of you. 

They didn’t have any flowers inside of their dorm because neither were confident they could keep it alive. 

How did he cough up a petal?

With shaking hands, Charles grabbed the petal with the tip of his fingers and brought it closer to his face. There were small hints of blood on it, slightly, but not enough to see from afar. Disgustingly enough, it was soaked with his saliva, and he withheld himself from dropping it.

He turned to look at his room, to his phone laying abandoned on his bed. Looking it up would help, right? 

Petal in hand, he sprinted to his bed, snatching his phone with his free hand as he opened Google.

His hand violently shook as he typed.

I just coughed out a petal. 

A frightful tear slipped from his eye as he whispered, “what is happening to me?”

Charles knew he was dying.

Google didn’t show him much. Clearly, coughing up literal flower petals wasn’t a known disease. It had pretty much just told him that flowers aren’t edible and attached a teen helpline. 

He knew that much. 

He kept telling himself that he wasn’t going insane, that he didn’t dream of it happening. He didn’t need much convincing to believe it was real. After all, the flower petal tucked underneath his pillow said enough.

It took him two days to get an idea as to what was happening. Two days. Five petals. Two panic attacks. A whole bunch of, “I’m okay, just tired,” kind of excuses given to his friends. 

He even had to lie to Niko, claiming he was focused on studying for his exam when the other asked if he wanted to go rollerblading. Of course, he wasn’t studying, and he really wanted to go rollerblading. However, the thought of Niko even looking at someone else made him feel queasy, and when he thought about him in that picture, his throat tickled.

He didn’t understand what flowers had to do with Niko, so until he found out why he was coughing them up, he completely avoided all social activity with the excuse that he was studying for his exam.

He didn’t find it until deep into the second night. Completely awake because of his intense anxiety, Charles stumbled upon a website written in German from three or four years ago. He had to use a translator just to read it.

It talked about an old urban legend, a sickness where someone coughed up entire flowers because of unrequited love. Flowers slowly grew in the lungs of the victim, starting from tiny petals to full-blown flowers, stem and all. 

It was caused by one thing: love. It wasn’t caused by bacteria nor was it contagious, not like those sicknesses you’d see every day. It happened when you started loving someone so much without any sort of reciprocation.

According to the user, if left ‘untreated’, it would eventually kill you.

The ‘treatment’ threw Charles off. There were only three options.

Stay silent and let the flowers take over your lungs, killing you from the inside. Die of a broken heart.

Find a doctor who will remove it from your body. You will forget the person you once loved.

Confess to them. If it’s requited, it will go away on its own. If not, you’ll die anyway.

Charles wasn’t stupid. He knew exactly why he had it. He just didn’t find it fair.

He never loved anyone before. He knew barely anything about it, just that you do or don’t. Out of everyone, why did he get the urban legend sickness relating to love? Why couldn’t someone who was more popular with romance, like Otoya, get it? 

Why was he faced with a problem that could kill him he had no idea how to solve?

He barely knew what crushes were, yet he was already suffering from the fate of one.

Shutting his phone off, he tossed it to the side next to him. 

Charles really felt like crying. He never cried that often, but not because he believed that boys were weak when they did, but rather because he never had a reason to. Even when he broke his arm, or failed a test, he kept a smile on his face.

But right now, he couldn’t fight it.

Closing his eyes, Charles let a tear slip out. He felt his heart break before it ever felt full.

One tear turned into two, and two turned into four, and they kept multiplying until he was holding his face in his hands, barely concealing his sobs as he tried his hardest not to wake up his suitemate. 

At the age of eighteen, Charles was already dying, alone in a country without his family, without Julian, with only foreign friends surrounding him. He didn’t want to believe the story of a random German on the internet, but it was the closest thing he could find that wasn’t a proper diagnosis, which he couldn’t even get because who the fuck just coughs up flowers? 

He’s hardly even lived. He wanted to live a long life and find a fucking alien before he even thought about dying. He wanted to prove there was more than just Earth, that the chance of life and love were possible in other galaxies, no matter how far.

He wanted to own a cat, or five, and experience things most people didn’t. He wanted to skydive. He wanted to learn other languages that weren’t only French and Japanese. He wanted to gather enough funds to donate to charity. He wanted to live life with his best friend, capturing millions of memories.

Oh, God, Charles thought. I understand it now. I’m in love with–

“Charles?”

A small voice from behind the door interrupted him from his thoughts.

He heard the other knock a few times as he waited for a response. “Are you okay in there?”

Clearing his throat, Charles gathered the courage to respond.

“Yeah.” He winced at the sound of his own voice cracking. He sounded like he just cried (well, he did).

He could tell Niko heard it too, because he asked, “May I come in?”

His voice sounded exhausted, and he felt guilty at the thought of waking him up. He had his own things in life to deal with, and Charles was making it worse by disrupting his sleeping.

Immediately scrubbing the tears off of his face with his oversized sleeves, Charles pulled his knees to his chest, trying to put himself together before his friend could tell he was destroyed. “..Yeah, go ahead.”

The door opened, the darkness of his room slowly being lit up by the glow of the hallway light. Niko shuffled in, rubbing his eyes as he scanned the room. Of course, it was a mess. Charles hadn’t touched anything since he coughed up that petal.

Walking towards the bed, Niko sat down, giving Charles a pitying look. 

“You look like a mess, Charles,” Niko murmured, resting his head on his fist. “You know, if something's bothering you, you can tell me. We’re best friends for a reason.”

Yeah. Best friends.

Ignoring the feeling in his throat, Charles nodded. “I know. I just… haven’t been feeling well recently. I think I caught something from school.”

Niko stared into his eyes as if he were debating on believing him. He knew better. Charles knew he knew better. Using his free hand, he rested it on Charles’s hands that were holding his knees together. “You don’t have to hide anything from me. If something is bothering you, please, let me know. I can help you.”

Charles looked down at his hand that was covering his own. 

There was no way he could let Niko know. It could destroy their friendship. Charles would lose one of the people he was closest to, one of the people he trusted the most. Was it really worth it?

He sighed. “I know, Niko. It really is just a cold, or something.”

It isn’t, but I can’t tell you that.

Niko looked disappointed, but smiled nonetheless. 

He leaned forward, giving Charles a small hug before standing up.

“I guess that explains the coughing.”

Turning around, he padded softly towards the door. As he walked back, he glanced at him before saying, “if it gets any worse, let me know.”

“Okay, I will,” he lied as the door gently shut. 

Waiting until the light underneath his door turned dark, he held in his sigh of relief, frustration bubbling in his throat at the feeling of that stupid tickle. He shut his eyes, preparing himself for what was to come. 

His throat felt more full than the first few times he coughed out petals, but he ignored it in favor of clearing his head of the small leaf. Leaning over his bed, Charles coughed, trying to push out the petal he knew was hiding in there.

However, as he gagged, he felt more than just one petal. He felt multiple. 

Eyes snapping open, he clawed at his throat as petal by petal fluttered from his mouth, landing on his carpet. His eyes teared at the taste of blood, dripping along with his saliva. It burned his throat, as if someone was pouring hot lava down his esophagus. Tears began raining from his eyes as he gagged his throat raw, his bleeding worse than before.

When he finally emptied his throat, he collapsed, head hanging off of the bed. He stared down at the ground, blinking the tears away as he tried relaxing.

What sat on his floor wasn’t a few petals. There were at least a handful, covered in blood from the journey up. His breathing quickened as he came to one realization–he was getting worse. He was reaching his death sooner than he thought he would.

It wasn’t until an hour later did he finally fall asleep, and he only did because of the tears that dampened his pillow.

His movie plans were just around the corner.

It was planned for the next day, the day after his exam, so that they could celebrate being done with that year (although they were staying on campus for another two weeks). They decided to travel to the local movie theater to catch one of the new movies that had recently been released. He didn’t want to cancel, but he was terrified at the thought of having to sit through an entire movie with the cause of his sickness sitting right next to him.

What if he got distracted with his feelings? What if he started choking up flowers right next to him and freaked him the fuck out? What if Niko wanted to take him to the hospital? He would become a human experiment! The government would take him and run tests, trying to figure out why a young adult was growing flower petals in his lungs. Maybe. Probably not.

Not to mention, choking in a theater full of other people. That would be super embarrassing. He already had a fear of making a fool of himself in public, and doing it in a room full of focused strangers would be the death of him.

He didn’t want his best friend knowing his secret, especially considering it would lead to his certain death. He was so terrified of it–what if Niko begged him to confess to his crush after learning what it was? Charles would have to confess to him and face rejection. He would die on the spot. Literally.

Almost every second of every day, he would pray that it would randomly go away. His crush, he meant. Not Niko. Never Niko. It constantly distracted him. Ryusei noticed, and kept pestering him on what was wrong. He even offered to bring him soup nearly every day, and Sae agreed as well. Everyone around him was noticing how sick he was becoming, and it was embarrassing. 

At least they’re worried, he thought. 

Blinking away his thoughts, Charles leaned on the wall of the school bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. He had just finished his exam and had rushed to the bathroom. Throughout the entire exam, he held back that familiar tickle in the back of his throat. He nearly cried several times during his exam, but he powered through it and was sure he would get at least a 60. 

That was a terrible guess, but he had barely studied because of how scared he was of dying. He couldn’t focus on anything in his life but the thought of death.

He had to cough because he saw Niko passing by through the window of the door, walking with someone he couldn’t see. It killed him inside, reminding him more and more of his unrequited crush. He knew he was going to die. He just didn’t want to accept it.

So, that’s what had led him to the bathroom. His reflection in his mirror terrified him. He had dark bags under his eyes from all of the times he cried himself to sleep. Well, when he was able to fall asleep. Most of the time he laid in bed all night, imagining all the scenarios of how Niko would find out and how he would react. That, of course, led to choking.

His mouth tasted like dried blood. He had practically thrown up petals into the toilet. It was disgusting, and he really wished he carried mouthwash around with him. He was lucky the bathroom he chose was notorious for being empty because of how far it was from the core classes everyone took. 

Sometimes, he wanted to end his own life before the sickness could end it for him. Dying by his own hand seemed easier than slowly choking to death from the blockage in his lungs. His heart broke at the thought of the reactions of his friends to his death. Julian, Niko, Ryusei, even his parents. Sure, he wasn’t their favorite, but he was still their son. Well, one of their sons. Maybe his siblings would continue to fill the empty space he left behind.

He just didn’t want to die.

A tear slipped from his eye as he watched his reflection. 

He looked so tired, so terribly tired. He couldn’t use the excuse of studying for his exam anymore. He will continue to grow exhausted, and everyone will notice. They will ask, and he won’t know what to say. He won’t know what to say to Niko.

At that thought, Charles stumbled to the sink on instinct, doubling over before coughing. 

It was his mistake for choosing that spot over the toilet.

This time, when he coughed, more than just petals came out. He sobbed as he pulled something long from his throat. It hurt, scratching at his tongue as it fought him. When he opened his eyes, he saw a stem–a fucking stem. He couldn’t even be disgusted; he was progressing faster than he thought he was. His death was coming quicker and he had no idea what to do.

“Charles?”

He froze, his eyes slowly meeting magenta.

Holy shit.

His ears rang so loud while he choked that he didn’t hear someone coming in. He felt like he was going to perish.

The German boy was staring at the bloody mess in the sink with a look of horror. “Oh my God.”

“I-I accidentally ate some flowers, I’m so sorry, just pretend like you didn’t see anything–,” Charles rushed out, turning the sink on to wash the mess away, praying the stem and petals would go down with the water. His heart was beating with a force that felt like it was trying to escape his chest. His breathing quickened at the thought of Alexis Ness of all people catching him vomiting flowers.

Alexis glared at him. “I know what that is, idiot. You have Hanahaki.”

Charles's mouth dropped agape as he came to the realization that this sickness wasn't so unknown after all.

“Wait, what?” He asked. “How do you know what that is?”

Alexis scoffed, walking forward to turn the sink off to look at one of the petals stuck to the side. “I was in love with Kaiser for, like, forever. Put two and two together.”

Charles stared at him. “But Mr. Michael was so obviously in love with you. He beat the shit out of Isagi for calling you a dog.”

“I didn’t know about that until after we got together.”

“It was still obvious!” 

“You’re one to talk. Niko is so obviously in love with you!”

“What are you talking about? How do you even know about that?”

”Um, duh? You’re constantly admiring him like he’s treasure from some ancient city. Plus, you look at him with hearts in your eyes.”

”What makes you think he likes me back?”

“He looks at you like you’re the literal sun, dude. You’re too stupid to notice it.”

Charles glared at him, crossing his arms. “I’m not stupid, he doesn’t love me.”

“You’re an idiot!” Alexis shouted, throwing his arms up into the air. “Why am I arguing with an idiot about whether or not your best friend loves you back?”

He grew silent, looking down at his feet.

He really couldn’t see how Niko could possibly love him back. It didn’t make any sense whatsoever. He was always… uninterested in relationships. He never found celebrities cute, nonetheless any classmates of theirs. Charles always thought Niko was like him, unable to feel any romantic feelings. Well, Charles thought he couldn’t feel those things until he started coughing up flowers, so he didn’t know anymore.

“What did you do?” Charles mumbled.

“One more time, you literally whispered that.”

He sighed. “What did you do about it? How did you and Mr. Michael get together?”

“First of all, don’t call him that,” Alexis started. “Second of all, let’s not discuss this in the school bathroom. Let me use the bathroom and we can talk about it somewhere not… disgusting.”

Alexis’s suite was very clean, much more kept unlike his own. He could tell he was a clean freak. His own suite was only clean because Niko forced him to clean every so often.

At home, it was definitely worse; his room was always a pigsty and he only cleaned it when Julian told him off. His parents never cared enough to reprimand him.

“Michael is taking an exam right now, so he won’t be back for a bit,” Alexis had told him, assuring him that no one would overhear their conversation. Not that he was afraid of that, of course; he was really afraid of Mr. Michael catching him in their shared space, as well as the accusations that would follow…

Charles felt nervous being in someone else’s space, especially considering how little he knew of Alexis’s private life. They weren’t friends by any means. He often avoided being around him because he was uncomfortable with his obsession with his boyfriend. Seriously, he was like a dog… all he was missing was the puppy ears.

However, having spoken to him in the bathroom, he decided he wasn’t so bad being around. He did have that insulting personality, but he didn’t mind. It was a lot like Sae and Rin, who constantly insulted the people around them. He was used to it. 

Sitting down on his couch, Alexis patted the spot next to him. “All right, let's talk.”

Charles swallowed back a wince at the thought of having to listen to a story before sitting next to him. 

He leaned forward, starting his explanation (more like a story in Charles’s opinion).

He was a sophomore in college when it started.

Alexis and Michael had been best friends since they were seven years old. Growing up in vastly different houses, it was a surprise they had gotten attached to each other. However, it explained why Michael had spent all of his time at Alexis’s house. He never felt safe in his own.

They had spent their entire childhood together. Although their chosen majors were different, they took a lot of the general education requirement classes together. They even joined a football team together, playing side by side for years until Alexis quit.

When they graduated high school, Michael refused to go abroad without him. He had never been away from each other for so long, so he had convinced him to apply to an art program at the same university he wanted to go to. Not that he had needed much convincing.

Alexis was undoubtedly in love with him. Although he had felt that way for years, the flowers didn’t show up until their second year together in Japan.

He had first started coughing up petals right after watching Michael’s first football game of the season. The other man had scored the finishing goal and his teammates ran to support him. 

Seeing other… sweaty men all over Michael disgusted him. Although he wasn’t all interested in celebrating, it still disgusted Alexis seeing everyone so close to him.

He thought he was just developing some small sickness. He had a weird feeling in the back of his throat quite often, but when he got back to his dorm after that game, he coughed out his first petal.

After that, he became obsessed with his sickness. He kept every petal, every flower, and researched every possible meaning. He fell into a rabbit hole of the different meanings of the flowers he coughed out, and searched the web for the cause. Luckily, the only source he could find was in his language. He didn’t have to do much digging.

Seeing the three possible “cures,” he decided he would keep it to himself until he inevitably died. He would never give up his love for Michael, but he refused to tell him. Plus, as weird as it was to admit, he enjoyed the pain that came with the sickness.

He enjoyed seeing blood. He enjoyed the stem and thorns scratching against his throat. It was a distraction from what he really wanted to do to himself, albeit harder to hide.

It wasn’t discovered until overheard Michael admit how obsessed he was with a fool, Yoichi. He wanted to “devour” him. It was Alexis’s final straw; on the floor of their suite, he collapsed and choked, the familiar copper taste flooding his mouth.

Michael had freaked. He cried, holding him, begging him to tell him what the fuck was happening. He barely managed to tell him between his retching.

“I’m in love with you,” he had said. He thought he was going to die when he saw the color drain from the other’s face.

However, Michael did not reject him. Instead, he wiped the blood from his mouth and kissed him.

It felt like heaven, but it did not last long. He pulled back and began berating him.

“You idiot,” he sobbed. “I love you so much, Lexis. You don't understand.”

That made Alexis cry harder. The weight in his chest grew, and he couldn’t breathe at the feeling of the blockage in his throat. His chest burned more than ever. All he felt was pain, and it wasn’t the good kind. He couldn’t focus on anything but the burning feeling in his lungs.

They both began freaking out more.

Something bigger was coming out, something more painful—a whole flower, completely grown, blue petals barely noticeable because of the amount of blood soaking them. 

Then, there was nothing left in his throat. He could breathe, but his throat hurt like hell. He was cured, and he gained a boyfriend. For weeks after, Michael monitored his health.

They kept the flower.

After he finished his story, Charles could only help but stare at his hands in silence. He had millions of questions, but he couldn’t help but ask: “Is that going to happen to me?”

He nodded. “When he tells you that he loves you, you will experience the worst pain in your life. Just fight through it.”

Charles already hated the feeling of the stem in his throat. If his feelings were reciprocated, he couldn’t imagine the pain he would feel with the roots and everything developed.

Nonetheless, he couldn’t imagine Niko’s reaction. He would definitely freak the fuck out. He would definitely think he was going to die even with the feelings reciprocated.

“You’re scaring me,” he pouted, crossing his arms. “I’m too scared to confess.”

“You quite literally have to unless you want to die,” Alexis deadpanned. “Or you can have the surgery, but I have no clue if anyone is certified.”

He had already decided that surgery was a no-go. He would rather suffocate to death than get rid of his feelings. He refused to go from being his best friend to someone who did not care for him at all. Niko was everything to him. He couldn’t imagine it any other way.

Charles groaned, accepting defeat. “What if he doesn’t like me?”

“Shut the hell up.”

“I’m serious.”

“I am serious when I say he likes you.”

“How do you know?”

“I can see it, Charles,” he rolled his eyes. “Best friends don’t look at each other like the way he looks at you, or like I look at Michael.”

Yikes. They were super gay. Did Niko really look at him with an expression of absolute love and adoration? Half the time, he can’t even see his eyes, so how would Alexis of all people know?

At the end of the day, he really needed to confess his feelings.

He sighed. “You’re right. I really should say something…”

Alexis leaned back on his couch. “Yes. You should.”

Behind them, the sound of the door unlocking sounded out, interrupting their conversation.

Charles immediately looked at Alexis with a panicked expression, eyes flickering towards the door. 

“I didn’t think we talked for that long,” the German grimaced.

Charles shrunk on the couch, trying to stay hidden, but was immediately pointed out by Michael as soon as he walked in.

“Why is he here?”

Alexis turned around on the couch, peering up at him with innocent, doe eyes. Manipulator.

“He needed some advice.”

“Is it about Niko? Gosh, they’re so gay.”

Charles gaped. “Is it really that obvious?”

“Yes,” Michael scoffed. “Now go home. Alexis and I have business to attend to.”

As soon as he got back to his suite, Charles shot Niko a text.

Charles: before we go out tmrw we need to talk

Charles: its rlly important

Niko: ?? Did I do something wrong?

Charles: no

Charles: i just need to talk to you

Niko: If you’re sure

Niko: Lmk when you want me to come talk

Charles reacted to a message with [💛].

His body was completely filled to the brim with butterflies. 

His nerves felt like mini ticking time bombs in his body. He wrote down what he planned to say, how he was going to confess, but he was so afraid of the pain that would come with it.

If Niko didn’t like him after all, he was dead. 

He had written goodbye letters to his friends just in case. It was odd to think about; if today went as planned, he would live. If not, then that was it. There would be no more Charles Chevalier. He regretted not reaching out to his friends about his disease, and he was very thankful for Alexis’s advice. Had he not walked in on him in the first place… Charles would have died alone.

That morning when he had woken up, he received a message from the older man.

Alexis: do not let ur fear overcome ur determination to live

He was dressed all cute in an outfit he had never worn before. He preferred wearing casual clothing, but he wanted Niko to see him like the sun. He wanted him to look at him and think he was cute, or handsome, or adorable. He wanted to impress him, so he followed Mr. Michael’s fashion advice. He really hoped Niko found him cute enough to accept his confession… if he liked boys.

Hopefully.

He was currently trying not to have a panic attack in the bathroom as he studied himself in the mirror.

He was afraid of his disease fucking up his confession. He didn’t want to absolutely disgust Niko. What if he thought it was contagious and wanted to get away? He avoided Bachira for two weeks after he threw up in the back of their physics class.

What if he just didn’t like Charles that way? 

He didn’t want to ruin their friendship before dying. Niko would blame himself forever if he thought Charles killed himself because of him…

He didn’t want to ruin their friendship at all. As much as he didn’t want to admit it because of his past, he was undoubtedly in love with Niko. He was so incredibly down bad that if he wanted to make out right after he coughed out the flowers, he would agree.

It was gross, but he was in love, and he had no clue how he never realized. Looking back at their friendship, he could tell when he first fell in love. It was really obvious. Even from the beginning, he was smitten.

“...You’ll make plenty of friends here, Charles,” 

He and Julian were sitting on his new bed, taking a break from unpacking his stuff in his dorm. Charles had just finished complaining about how much he missed his friends from France. He had never been abroad before, or at least on another continent–he’s been in other European countries, of course. 

“There are plenty of people here who feel the same as you do. When I first got here, I was lonely as well.”

Charles flopped onto his bed, spread out like a starfish. “But you’re so cool! You’re talented, and I’m lame. It doesn’t help that you're already transferring.”

“You are talented as well. You’re incredibly smart. I’ve never seen someone solve a Navier-Strokes Equation as quickly as you.”

“They’re unsolved, you larper. It was just an attempt.” 

He looked up at the posters on his walls covered with physics equations he couldn’t solve. His old school had a great physics program, but this one had an even better one, hence why he decided to study abroad. 

Charles wanted to be the greatest astrophysicist of all time. Well, anything that would help him find life in space. However, he feared he wasn’t as smart, so he spent lots of time trying to solve difficult equations. It never really worked out well, seeing as how much he couldn’t solve. 

He closed his eyes, imagining himself as a great physicist, holding a nobel peace prize. He liked the idea of his name being popular in Japan or France, wherever he decided to settle.

Nonlinear Schrodinger Equations were also scattered on the posters. He looked at them with disappointment. “Maybe one day I’ll solve them.”

“I’m sure you will,” Julian sighed. “You’re a little genius, despite how slow you act in public.”

Charles stuck his tongue out at him, reaching to grab a pillow to throw at him. “I don’t act slow in public!”

He stared at him with a raised eyebrow, not moving to protect himself from the soft assault. “You walked straight through a busy intersection last week. When I reprimanded you, you told me you didn’t realize there were cars.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m slow.”

“Excuse me,” a quiet voice spoke up from the door. The two looked up to see a scrawny boy with long black hair standing in the doorway. “I’m your roommate, Ikki Niko. Do you mind if I move in? I don’t want to interrupt.”

Charles bounced off of his bed, causing Julian to fall back. 

He was about his height. He wore emo looking clothes, not that Charles could judge. His own clothing choices were as blinding as the sun; he loved bright ass colors. He had a nose piercing, which looked incredible on him. 

Niko looked incredibly interesting, even though he couldn’t see his eyes. Eyes were his favorite thing to look at. Not only were they pretty, but they revealed so much about people. He could see the emotions through eyes, and he loved looking for fear in them. “Hi! I’m Charles Chevalier! It’s amazing to meet you!”

Behind him, his friend spoke up, “Go ahead. If any of his stuff is on your side, tell him to move it.”

“Ignore him,” he pouted. “None of my stuff is on your side… I think.”

Niko smiled, shrugging. “I’m trusting you. It’s nice to meet you as well.”

His smile was pretty, very pretty. Charles had never seen a smile that shun that bright before, excluding his own. He had been told several times he had a very blinding smile. 

“Well, c’mon in! We can help you unpack!”

“Sure, volunteer me as well even though we’re not even done with your stuff.”

“Whoops, sorry…”

Right. He definitely had a crush very early on without realizing it.

To be honest, Charles never understood what it was like having a crush, seeing as he had never had one before. It was no surprise he harbored one without knowing. He thought it was just a friendly thing, seeing as how many people called him handsome without any romantic intention. Unless they did, and he had no clue.

At the end of the day, Charles Chevalier had a big fat crush on Ikki Niko.

It definitely felt better admitting it, but he still felt like he couldn’t breathe, and it wasn’t because of the disease. He was just so afraid of his confession going wrong. He really didn’t want to die. He was too young. He wasn’t ready; he had so much left to do, and falling in love was a part of his bucket list (now that he knew he was capable).

He stumbled out of the bathroom to his bedroom, feet unsteady as he walked. The hallway seemed to move around him, as if the suite was preventing him from making it to his safe spot–as if it wanted Niko to catch him mid-panic attack. At the end of the hallway sat his door at an impossible distance away. 

When he finally made it down the path, he noticed that his door was slightly ajar. Despite his condition, he swore he shut it before he went to the bathroom; he hated leaving it open, especially because of the petals. He didn’t want anyone sticking their nose where it didn’t belong.

Swallowing a non-petal related bump in his throat, he pushed the door open.

His entire body went cold and rigid.

Ikki Niko was standing in his room, holding one of his letters.

“What the fuck?” Charles gasped out.

Niko’s head snapped up as he dropped the letter. His hair was pushed back, showing the fear in his eyes, a sight he had never seen before. 

His legs felt so wobbly, he had to lean on the doorway to hold himself up.

“Charles,” Niko whispered. “I-I was just concerned…”

The dark-haired boy balled up his fists. “You’ve been so fucking sick recently, and now I know…”

Charles shook his head, his breathing wavering as he tried to say, “it’s not what it looks like, I swear–,”

“No!” Niko shouted, cutting him off. He marched forward, stopping an inch before the blond. “You’re trying to kill yourself! How did I not notice? You’ve been withdrawing for days. You cry yourself to sleep, you don’t eat. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I’m not–,”

“Bullshit. I read the letters, all of them. Why else would you be saying goodbye? Why else would you be dying?”

Charles started to cry. At the sight of it, Niko’s expression softened.

However, Charles did more than cry; he fell to his knees, head hitting the doorway as he collapsed.

“I’m–,” he tried confessing before he felt that familiar feeling in the back of his throat. “--Fuck!”

“What’s wrong?” Niko cried out, falling to his knees to try supporting his friend. “Are you okay? Do you need a doctor?”

Charles started to cough. His hands flew to his throat in an attempt to stop himself. Through the choking, he managed out, “I’m in love with you, Niko.”

The boy froze, his hands hovering above his shoulders. 

At the sight, his coughing worsened. His lungs felt like they were clogged up. Blood began seeping through his lips, spilling onto his shirt.

Fuck, Charles thought, I’m going to die now, aren’t I?

“Why–why is it killing you?” Niko shouted. “Did you take something? I need to call the hospital, holy shit!”

Charles shook his head no, falling forward onto his chest. He was getting blood on both of their clothes, but he didn’t care anymore.

“I-I love…” 

Cough.

“..you…”

“Charles!” Niko tried pushing him back up, but he wouldn’t budge; he was too busy trying to force the flower from his throat. It was scratching his insides, making him bleed more. “Charles, please, I can’t lose you!”

It hurt so bad. It hurt so bad. Alexis was right–it was the worst pain in his life. He was suffocating to death. He should’ve known Niko didn’t love him. Now, he was dying in his arms. 

Why was life so unfair to him?

“I-I can’t lose you,” Niko sobbed. “I love you so much, Charles, I don’t understand… Why are you dying because you love me?”

His choking worsened. He couldn’t see anything through his blurry vision. His ears were ringing so loud. He couldn’t breathe at all. It was as if the flowers grew into his lungs, piercing the flesh that kept him breathing for so long. 

More than just a flower was coming out; he fought for his life trying to get it out, and he felt his consciousness trying to fade out. He weakly moved his fist to grab Niko’s shirt.

“I need to call a hospital, but I can’t–I can’t just leave you here!”

I love you, Charles thought. Don’t forget me. Please.

His eyes rolled to the back of his head.

To his surprise, Charles woke up. 

Wherever he woke up, it was dark. The only light present was the light that managed to get through Niko’s black-out curtains–

Wait, Niko’s black-out curtains?

Sitting up, Charles winced at how dizzy he was. Black dots swam around his vision. He was in Niko’s room, in his bed, underneath his fuzzy blanket he was always jealous of.

The more he came to, the more the ringing of his ears lessened, giving him back the ability to hear.

Looking down, he noticed he was in new clothes. 

Right, he almost died and bled all over himself. 

He lifted his hand to his chin, feeling around for any dry blood. However, there was none; Niko must have cleaned him up after he passed out. 

Niko.

He tried lifting himself out of bed, but embarrassingly enough, he failed.

Instead of successfully standing, he fell to the floor with a loud thud.

“Ow,” he groaned, which was a mistake because of how much it hurt. His throat felt so dry, like someone was cutting inside of his throat with a chainsaw.

The door immediately shot open, Niko running in. “Charles!”

“Niko?” He croaked from his spot on the floor.

The boy kneeled in front of him, gently pulling him up. 

He looked terrible. His eyes were puffy and red. It was incredibly obvious he was crying. Behind him, Alexis awkwardly shuffled in the room.

Charles’s eyes widened at the sight of them both.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Niko whimpered, lips wobbling. “I was so scared–I thought you were going to die.”

“Me too,” Charles admitted. “I thought it was over for me.”

Niko shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “If it weren’t for Ness, I don’t know what I would have done…”

Alexis walked over, slowly lowering himself to the floor. “If it weren’t for my intuition, I probably wouldn’t have come.”

Charles dryly laughed, coughing afterwards.

Niko opened his eyes, revealing how glassy they were. “He told me everything that happened. I can’t believe you kept it from me.”

“It’s not like he had a choice,” Alexis sighed. “I didn’t tell Michael either. It’s scary.”

Niko shot him a look. “He definitely had a choice, seeing as how much I love him.”

Charles titled his head. “You love me?”

Gasping, Niko gently shook him. “You idiot! I literally told you while you were dying! Of course I love you. I’ve loved you from the moment I set my eyes on you for the first time.”

Charles whimpered, wrapping his arms around Niko, pulling him into a hug. Niko held him back as he continued to speak.

“As dumb as you are, you’re a genius. You’re so smart and lovable. You’re handsome and adorable. I’ve never found anyone as attractive as I find you.”

Charles started to cry at the affection. Niko simply held him tighter.

(Behind them, Alexis just averted his eyes. He definitely didn’t belong there right now.)

“I was so upset when I read your letter to me, Charles. I didn’t want to lose you—you mean everything to me.”

“You mean everything to me as well,” he sniffled. “I love you so much.”

Niko pulled back, grabbing his face, making Charles look into his eyes. He gently used his thumbs to wipe his tears. “I love you, you big dummy.”

Then, he kissed him.

It felt amazing. All of that pain he went through was worth it. He would go through it all again just to experience the feeling of kissing him for the first time again. 

“I should probably go,” Alexis muttered, making them pull apart. “I’m glad you’re okay, and I’d love to have my own moment with you, but I can wait until you recover.”

Charles giggled through his tears. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he replied, standing up. With that, he awkwardly waved to Niko before leaving.

Niko turned to look back at him. “Let’s get you back to bed, mister. You really fucked yourself up there.”

He stuck his tongue out at him. He simply rolled his eyes in affection in return before helping him up. He collapsed as soon as he touched Niko’s mattress.

The other boy sat down next to him, staring at his hands.

“So what now?” He whispered. “Are you magically better? No more flowers after that bigass one came out?”

“Dunno,” Charles shrugged. “I feel fine, I can finally breathe again. My throat just hurts like hell.”

“Let me get you water,” he started, trying to pull away. However, Charles used all of the strength he had left to pull him down to the bed. 

“Don’t leave me,” he pouted.

Niko sighed. “Okay. But you will be getting water.”

“I’m fine. You can hear me talking, can’t you?”

“You sound like a dying bird.”

“How rude.”

Niko relaxed in the bed, admiring Charles in the dark. For a moment, the two sat in silence, watching each other. 

However, Charles had to break it.

“What ever happened to the flower?”

“Alexis… cleaned it. Told me it was a tulip. Apparently white tulips represent pure love.”

He smiled. “Well, my love for you is pure.”

He stared at him for a few seconds before asking, “does this make us boyfriends?”

“Of course it does,” Niko deadpanned. “You belong to me now. What a shame.”

“A shame? You’re responsible for me and every consequence that follows. Good luck!”

Leaning in, Charles gave Niko a peck on the lips. When he tried to pull away, the other lifted his hand to hold his face in place before kissing him.

As soon as they broke apart, Niko shot Charles a stern look. “Never ever, ever, ever do that shit again. I don’t know what I’ll ever do if I lose you.”

“I promise it won’t happen again. I’ll be a good boy.”

Niko scoffed, flicking his forehead. “I love you, loser.”

Charles grinned. “I love you too!”

“…Sorry about the movie plans.”

“It’s fine. We can just make out instead.”