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It was late, and Fan knew that. He just… couldn’t resist the thought of relapsing.
So, here he was, standing in front of the sink, blade in hand as he stared down at his bloody arms. A month ago, he promised himself and Test Tube that he would stop. But he’s been clean for far too long.
Fan slid the small blade over his forearm, causing him to hiss in pain. He watched as the cut was white for a moment, before blood quickly pooled out of it. It was satisfying in a way. Letting out all his emotions by mangling his own skin.
He pressed his arms against the front of the sink and sighed, the reality of what he just did settling in. If Test Tube or anyone else found out, he’d be doomed.
He remembered when Test Tube suggested to take him to therapy after she found out, and Fan refused almost immediately. He hated having to spill out all his feeling to a stranger. Hell, he hated talking about his feelings in general. What was going on in his head was only for him to know.
Fan glanced up at the mirror, then realized that was a horrible idea.
He looked exhausted.
Which, if he was being honest, it was becoming more and more common for him to look more tired than normal. His sleep schedule was okay, so that wasn’t the reason he was so fucking done.
Instead of just going to sleep, he continued to press the blade against his arm, shut his eyes, then slide it. Each time he gasped at the sting and blood, but didn’t stop.
He did it over,
and over,
and over.
He did it until there wasn’t any space that wasn’t covered in blood where he could target next. Then, a thought struck him.
If he didn’t find something to stop the bleeding in time, it was possible he could die from blood loss.
The thought scared him. He wasn’t ready to die yet. He still had so many things to do! Finish hosting season four of Inanimate Insanity, be the best father he possibly can for Bot, and be by Test Tube’s side for as long as he can.
Yet at the same time, the thought of dying was exciting. He’d finally be at peace. Nothing could ever bother or upset him anymore, because he could be free. Why live when you’re not living happily?
Then, one more time, Fan pressed the blade down and swiped as hard as he could. He dropped the blade almost immediately, a sharp gasp escaping from his throat. He cut deep. Deeper than he had ever managed to before, and it hurt like hell.
His back hit the wall as he slid down to sit on the bathroom floor. His head was reeling, he felt like he was going to throw up, and worse of all he felt pride rising in his stomach. This was the deepest he had ever cut before, and he was proud of it. It was like an achievement to him.
As quickly as the pride appeared, it quickly disappeared and Fan was left on the bathroom floor while he panicked. He needed help, and fast.
With a trembling hand, he reached for his phone on the floor beside him and quickly opened his messages app and clicked on a contact. He hesitated, before sucking in a breath and pressing the call button.
“Hello, Fan! What’s up?”
He brought the phone up to his ear, his arms and hands still shaking. The person on the other side of the call seemed calm, the opposite of how Fan was right now.
“T-Test Tube… I know I promised n-not to… do it again, but… I need help…” He choked out the words, his voice sounding raw and desperate. “…Please.” He added when Test Tube was silent for a moment.
He could hear a quite inhale on the other side of the line as well the sound of keys jiggling as a couple doors slammed closed.
“Fan, hold on. I’m driving over right now.” Test Tube sounded extremely worried, and based by how she was already in the car, she was also panicking. Fan hated how he’s probably bothering her this late at night. She could be doing much better things, like working on the blue-ray or getting much needed rest herself, but here she is helping her stupid boyfriend.
“How bad is it?” Test Tube asked.
Fan laid his head against the wall, struggling to keep his eyelids open. Fuck. This wasn’t good.
“Um… I think—I think I’ve gone the deepest I ever have before.” It hurt to admit that to her. He knew he broke their promise, and was now admitting it.
Fan could hear the quiet sound of engines and the ragged breathing of his girlfriend through the phone. “Okay, Fan. Listen to me carefully,” she started, making sure not to talk too fast or slow. “I need you to stay awake for me, please. Even if it’s hard to. I’ll be there in a couple minutes.”
Fan nodded, then forgot that she couldn’t see him so instead he hummed to showed he heard her.
“Is there anything that you can use to help with the bleeding? Like a towel or even toilet paper?” Test Tube asked, her voice completely serious.
Fan looked around, trying to find something. Then he spotted a wash cloth atop of the sink that he could use. It was a struggle to get onto his knees, but he was eventually able to do so and reach up to grab the cloth.
Right after, he collapsed against the wall again. For a moment he stared at his bloody arm, simply admiring it. What he would never admit to a single soul, was that his cuts were mesmerizing to him. They made him forget about anything else around him.
But, he focused back in reality and pressed the cloth against his arm, and oh boy, did it hurt.
“Shit- ow,” Fan murmured. “I got a wash cloth.” He spoke into the phone, his eyes half-lidded.
There was a relieved sigh from the other line, which made him feel a little better.
“Phew. Okay, I’m two blocks away. Just hang in there, sweetheart,” Test Tube said, her voice softer than Fan is used to. He couldn’t help but blush at the pet name. Test Tube was just so sweet good to him and…
Fan bit his bottom lip. Now was not the time to obsess over his girlfriend. Not when he was literally at the risk of dying. If anything, he should be feeling incredibly guilty about this whole situation, and he was.
He shouldn’t be inconveniencing his lover about this. In fact, he shouldn’t have done this at all. …I’m so pathetic. I couldn’t even be over a month clean. His mind screamed.
“I’m sorry, T-Test… I’m so sorry for bothering you this late at night… I should’ve just… done it already. It be easier f-for both of us if I… were gone.” Fan spoke without thinking, the words tumbling out of his mouth. He meant every word of it, as well.
Then, the call abruptly ended. Fan blinked, then lowered his phone from his ear before completely dropping it on the cold tile floor next to him.
She must have gotten tired of him and gave up on trying to save him. She probably realized that he wasn’t worth all the effort, and now he would die alone here with all his regrets pounding into his head. Fan didn’t blame her. It was bound to happen, but he just hoped it wouldn’t have happened so soon. He hoped it wouldn’t have happened at all.
Oh. He was crying. How pathetic.
Fan let out a small broken sound, sounding like a half laugh half sob. He let go of the wash cloth completely and covered his face with his hands, exhaling.
How dare he think someone as amazing as Test Tube would ever wan to be with a loser like him. He had no real talents or anything he was good at. He was useless. Completely, utterly—
“FAN!”
His head snapped up to the bathroom door, dropping his hands from his face. There, standing in the doorway, was a disheveled Test Tube. She was panting and clutching her shirt.
“Golly! Your arms—“ She quickly bent down to his level, her hands hovering over his arms as if she was unsure to touch them or not.
Of course she wouldn't want to touch my bloody arms. I’m disgusting.
Test Tube quickly stood up, then ran to the cabinet over the sink to look for a first aid kit. Fan watched as she glanced down at all the blood in the sink, and he suddenly felt embarrassed.
She didn’t say anything about it, and instead opted to grab the first aid kit and crouch in front of Fan.
“Darling, can you stand up? We need to rinse the blood off your arms,” Test Tube asked, gently taking the side of his face in her palm and rubbing his cheek bone lightly with her thumb.
“I… I can try.”
And then Test Tube began lifting him up slowly. Fan made a strangled noise as the pain in his arms intensified. Test Tube helped hold him up with one hand holding his waist as she turned the sink on.
“This— is probably going to sting, but it’ll only be for a few seconds, okay?” She reassured him, gently brushing a strand of hair out of his face while at it. Fan nodded, losing the energy to speak
So, Fan reached out and stuck one of his arms under the water, before immediately yelping and jumping back. It reminded Test Tube a little bit of a cat being scared of water.
Her expression softened and she intertwined one of her hands with Fan’s. “Fan, I know it hurts, but if we don’t clean your cuts then it’s possible you’ll get an infection and I can promise you that’ll hurt way more.”
Fan nodded again, understanding her concern for him. She was just trying to help, and Fan was making it hard for her to. So, he took his arms and placed them under the faucet again.
He winced a couple times, but it didn’t take long to clean his arms. And as soon as he was done, he let Test Tube clean them a bit more with alcohol wipes. That hurt a bit more, but she tried to go as fast as she could.
“Well, the worst part’s done with!” Test Tube announced, dusting her hands off. “Now we just need to wrap your arms, and that won’t hurt I promise.” She gave Fan a soft smile, which he gladly returned.
“Oh, by the way, can you sit in the counter so it’ll be easier for me to apply the gauze?”
“Yeah, of course.” Fan happily agreed and hopped on the counter next to the sink. He kicked his legs back and forth gently, starting to obtain a little more energy now that he wasn’t bleeding anymore. Being with Test Tube always seemed to help.
Now, he could get a good look at the damage he actually caused. All other his arms were little cuts or old scars. His gaze flicked to one particular cut, the deepest one he had. It was still freshly open, but it wasn’t deep enough where he needed stitches, thank whatever gods are up there. It still stung, but not anymore than the other ones on his arms.
When Test Tube began applying the gauze to his arms, her demeanor became tense.
“Hey, um, Fan? I wanted to ask, why did you feel the need to cut? You could’ve— you could’ve talked to me before, at least.”
Fan completely paused. He was dreading this conversation, yet he knew it was coming. Test Tube just wanted to understand him and make sure he was okay.
He looked down at the floor, guilt clawing at his throat. “I just… it’s been a while since I’ve.. cut,” the word was painful for him to say. “This week has also been horrible for me and I thought that doing this would help calm myself down. I’m sorry, that’s it.”
Test Tube stopped what she was doing, and looked up at him. “Fan— no. Love, don’t apologize. It’s okay, and besides, I’m not mad. I just want you to know that I understand that it’s hard to quit cutting, and that I’ll always be here with you to help along the way. If you ever, and I mean ever, feel this way again, please don’t hesitate to let me know. I won’t hesitate to help you. You’re genuinely the most important person in my life, Fan, and I can’t lose you to this.”
The sweet words she spoke to him and him only made Fan tear up. It wasn’t fair how good she was to him. “Gosh, you’re so nice…” He muttered, not being able to help the smile appearing on his face.
Test Tube smiled and pulled him into a hug. He rested his head on her shoulder, and shut his eyes for a moment, simply basking in her warmth. Until, his arm pressed against her back which made him hiss in pain.
Test Tube pulled away, already apologizing. “I’m sorry! I should be more careful—!”
Fan looked up at her, then shook his head. “No, no! It’s okay! Its my fault really,” he sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, a nervous habit he had picked up.
Test Tube nodded before checking her watch for the time. “…Golly, it’s really late. We should head to bed,” she pointed out, already extending and hand to help Fan down from the counter.
He gladly accepted it, and slid off the counter. The moment his socks hit the cold tiled floor it sent shivers down his spine. “You’re right.”
Fan followed Test Tube into his bedroom and stopped beside his bed, watching as Test Tube reached for the door knob to leave. He suddenly tensed up, and reached out towards her. “Wait! Can you actually… um, stay with me tonight? I still don’t feel the best,” he admitted sheepishly.
Test Tube turned around, and her face instantly morphed into an understanding smile. “Oh course, sweetheart. I was actually hoping you’d ask that,” she chuckled and flipped the over head light off. She slipped off her jacket and placed it on a coat hanger before walking over to Fan’s bed and climbing into the other side. Fan did the same, wearing a small content smile as he settled under the covers.
After a moment Fan shifted towards Test Tube and wrapped his arms around her. Test Tube did the same, placing one hand in his hair and the other under his shirt, resting on his waist. Her cold hand on his bare skin made him shiver slightly, but he quickly got used to it. The touch felt nice, after all.
He nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck without hesitation, exhaling softly. He felt so much better now. Fan pressed a couple quick pecks to Test Tube’s neck, noticing how her skin got a little hotter after that.
Test Tube responded by pressing a kiss to the crown in his head before nuzzling into his hair.
“I love you, Testy.”
“I love you too, Fan. So much.”
And they both drifted off into a dreamless sleep without a care in the world.