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Everyone had left the arena hours ago, except Alexandra that was. Instead she stood there, in the now cold and lifeless arena, looking into the ice. The ice she had skated on a few hours prior, the one that has shattered her once Olympic dreams.
There was no one around, no coaches, skaters, volunteers, just Alexandra. Only her, with her freeskate costume still on, mascara dripping down her eyes once again as it did a few hours ago. Yet, this time she didn't care to wipe it, to try and make herself look presentable for the ceremony. There was no other ceremony now, maybe there will never be another for her.
Alexandra loved the ice as much as she hated it and she had screamed so to her coaches and whoever else was watching, most likely the rest of the world. Alexandra scoffed at the memory a tear dripping down her face as she did so. Skating was what kept her alive, her first love. She loved the chilly airy, the thrill and adrenaline she got when she landed a new jump, she loved skating. However, the urge, the want, to never step on the ice was present in her heart so instead Alexandra stood there.
She had to skate to the Gala so regardless of her wishes she would step on it again. Step on the same ice that broke her... Might as well continue, no? Alexandra sighed.
Five quads, five... But it wasn't enough, again. Continue for what? Another silver? Bronze? Worse even? Alexandra shook her head, letting the tears fall from her eyes as she cried. Her silent and choked sobs being the only thing that could be heard in the arena, her cries practically echoing through it.
"My dream is to be an Olympic champion. For me it is important being first, winning is first place and everything else is losing."
Alexandra recalled her thirteen year's old self words. Would she laugh or cry seeing herself right now? Maybe both, maybe none. It didn't matter anywa-
"Sasha?" A familiar voice broke her thoughts from behind. Alexandra hummed in return, she wasn't ready to leave not yet. "Eteri wants you outside... The bus is coming to get us in ten minutes." Anna informed her and Alexandra nodded, eyes still stuck on the ice. "She wants you to come now." Alexandra shook her head. No, not yet. She didn't want to leave the arena, not now, maybe not ever. Because the moment she would step foot out of this arena would be the moment the results would become permanent. Where her loss will be finalized. She will leave the arena and then the competition would be over. "Sasha-"
"I will come in a while."
"Eteri is already not in a good mood."
"When even is she in a good mood?" Alexandra scoffed, rage boiling over at the mention of their coach's name.
"Sasha..." She heard Anna sigh, still behind her, maybe she understood Alexandra didn't want to see her or maybe Anna was just too tired to reach her, Alexandra shook her head, pushing away those thoughts. "The competition ended hours ago." Ouch
"I know." Alexandra said logically, I am still here, in this rink, it is not over- it can't be over, I can't have lost-
"Please Sashenka. Don't make this harder." Anna whispered and for a second Alexandra wanted to do as Anna ordered only because Anna didn't deserve all that.
"Five minutes." Another sigh from Anna and she heard footsteps approaching her. Alexandra kept watching the ice as she felt a hand wrap around hers. She could feel Anna stand next to her, eyes searching the ice, not speaking, not moving just looking and Alexandra relaxed if only slightly.
"Kamila is crying." Anna let out a few moments later, Alexandra humming in return. "I don't know what to say to her..." Alexandra could already imagine the face Anna is making, one full of worry and guilt. Alexandra almost turned to look, almost
"Don't say anything to her." Alexandra shrugged, Anna audibly frowning. "Say what? It would be stupid. Her career is practically over."
"Everyone retires after the Olympics."
"The ones who win do." Alexandra snapped back, Anna wasn't the one at fault and Alexandra immediately felt her stomach turn at the realization of her words, of her tone. She felt Anna squeeze her hand.
"Worlds are in one month." Anna instead answered and it was Alexandra's turn to frown. "I am pulling out obviously, Kamila won't be allowed to go..." Anna trailed off, Alexandra immediately catching up to what Anna was implying.
"Oh, yes because a pity gold is everything I have ever wanted." Alexandra rolled he eyes, pulling her hand away from Anna's and crossing her arms.
"I didn't mean it like-"
"You didn't have to." Alexandra finally turned and the sight made her slightly flinch. Here she was, Anna Stanislavovna Shcherbakova, World champion, two time Russian champion, now Olympic champion and least her Anna. Face tired, body stiff and wrapped in a huge hoodie, her hoodie, Alexandra noted a second later. Eyes slightly glassy and red, cheeks flushing from the cold. Looking nothing like the Olympic champion that she was. The difference between her right now and someone who had come in last place being none. Alexandra was left staring at her unsure.
"I am sorry." Alexandra felt like she was punched to the gut at those words. She had expected Anna to yell, to cry, to accuse her of ruining her win yet somehow this hurt even worse.
"Don't be. It's not your fault I will never be enough to win unless you are both absent from the competition."
"Sash-"
"Let's go." Alexandra turned her back to the stadium, stealing a last glance at it before she sighed and started walking towards the exit. This rink will follow her in her dreams and nightmares Alexandra already knew.
"There you are." Eteri sighed, clearly impatient, tapping her foot on the floor, constantly checking the road for the bus.
Alexandra ignored her, she instead looked around. Suitcases were everywhere, her own included. Daniil seemed to be scrolling on his phone and Sergei just kept looking around slightly distressed. And there was her other friend; Kamila was sitting down on the sidewalk, suitcase in front of her as she leaned on it, silent tears falling from her eyes and Alexandra took a deep breath and turned to the other side. Anna was simply standing there, kicking aimlessly at the ground, suitcase in hand. She was far away from everyone, hardly noticeable if you weren't actively looking for her and Alexandra simply stared at her before turning her head away the moment Anna turned to look back at her. Yes, this just summed everything up, summed their team up, Alexandra hummed.
The Olympic Champion, the Olympic silver medalist and the Olympic favourite all broken, so close yet so far away from each other.
The bus arrived later, had it been seconds, minutes, hours Alexandra had no idea. Regardless she grabbed her suitcases dragged them to the bus and got in, settling on the far back. Immediately collapsing in her seat as she placed her head on the window, looking at the cars passing by as a tear rolled down her cheek.
The bus ride passed in a blur and before Alexandra knew it they were back into the village. Dragging their suitcases up to their perspective rooms as their coaches goodbyed them, telling them to "Rest up" Alexandra wanted to scowl yet instead she just ended up nodding.
So now here she was in their shared room, hiding in the bathroom as she showered slowly and with no real intent. Alexandra ended up dressing up and brushing her teeth and hair painfully slow. Delaying herself as much as possible and when she exited the bathroom she found the lights switched off and Anna cuddled up in her bed. She must have changed here while she was in the bathroom, Alexandra thought to herself and as quietly as she possibly could she climbed under the covers.
It was quiet, the only sounds that could be heard being the low noise of traffic from the cars outside and Anna's slow breaths. Alexandra could have pretended to fall asleep, could have pretended that she thought Anna was asleep instead-
"I always thought about the Olympics." Alexandra started, staring up at the ceiling as she heard Anna's breath caught. "How the village would be like, how the food will taste, how the ice would feel." Alexandra explained. "How happy I would be." At that she chuckled bitterly. "But I never thought of what would happen next." Alexandra took a deep breath. "What I would do after the Olympics... Once upon a time I thought I would make it to a second one. That feels too stretched out right now." Alexandra laughed, not a breathless laugh just an exhale of air that sounded similar to a laugh.
"I thought it would have been the three of us." Anna breathed in the dark seconds later, and Alexandra hummed in question. "You, me and Aliona..." Anna explained and Alexandra sighed, those were some times. Back when losing didn't feel like this, when a second Olympics wasn't a stretch, when she imagined the Olympics as this magical place that would make everything she had endured for years worth it. "I would have been happy to just share the podium with you. Both of you, even if I had to stand on the lowest step." Anna admitted, voice cracking mid way through. And for a second Alexandra thought of agreeing but that wasn't her. As much as she wanted it to be, it wasn't her.
"How is it?" Alexandra asked after a few minutes of silence. So much time they had spend in silence that one would think that one of then would have fallen asleep. Yet not Alexandra, she knew better than that. "Winning?"
"Empty." Anna let out without a single doubt.
"Empty?" Alexandra repeated and Anna hummed. A comfortable silence falling between them again and for a moment Alexandra thought that was all Anna would say. "I would love to blame you." Anna chuckled bitterly, voice becoming wet. "Blame you and Kamila. But... it wasn't you, neither of you that made my win feel... worthless." Alexandra couldn't help but let out a small gasp at that, immediately covering her mouth with her hand. "It wasn't worth it." Anna settled on a second later as if she could read Alexandra's thoughts. "It's just a piece of metal"
"A piece of metal that means you are the best in the world-"
"And in four years it would be someone else's." Alexandra frowned. "It should make everything worth it, right?" Anna asked, voice broken and Alexandra heard the sheets ruffle from Anna's side of the room as she turned in her side to look at Alexandra who turned to look back. The first time they locked eyes since the freeskate had started. "Yet when I held it, that piece of gold that hardly weights anything I... I didn't feel joy, or..." Anna closed her eyes, exhaling, another tear rolling down her cheek and Alexandra slightly moved her hand in the bed, moving it towards Anna even though she was too far away to actually touch her. "I just thought, this is it? This is what I did everything for? For this?" Anna looked at Alexandra desperately, searching into her eyes for any kind of answer. "It's awful, I know. It feels... selfish." Anna sobbed and Alexandra bit the inside of her cheek. Her body twitching, screaming at her to move, to comfort Anna, to hug her, kiss her yet she just stood there frozen as Anna cried.
"You can feel however you want about it." Alexandra settled on and she saw Anna shake her head.
"You should have won-"
"Don't do this. Please." Alexandra begged, her own eyes now becoming desperate and Anna bit her bottom lip to stop a sob from escaping her.
"You can have it- the medal, I don-"
"Annushka, please." A tear escaping Alexandra's own eyes. "I don't want your medal-"
"What can I do to fix it?" Anna sobbed. "Fix me? Fix us-" Alexandra didn't let her finish as she crossed the room in seconds, pulling Anna into a suffocating embrace. Anna's hands immediately finding the back of Alexandra's shirt and gripping it as she sobbed into her shoulder. Alexandra mimicking her. "I should be the one comforting you." Anna rasped out minutes later after she had calmed down a bit, Alexandra simply shook her head. "I won, this isn't rig-" Anna continued, trying to pull away when Alexandra tightened her arms around her, pulling her back in their embrace.
"Just keep hugging me." Anna hesitantly nodded, she could do that.
And as time passed and both grew tired, they lied down on Anna's bed. Still entangled together, their holds on each other tight and as Alexandra felt her eyelashes fluttering shut she tried not to think of tomorrow and would await for her, for both of them. Because while in here they could just be Anya and Sasha, out there they were,
The Olympic Champion and Olympic Silver Medalist.
And Alexandra should hate her for winning yet as Alexandra felt herself falling into deep sleep she couldn't find any hatred for the brunette girl in her arms. Only love and hurt.
And maybe that would be enough for now.