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Alan wasn’t used to this,
He wasn’t used to sneaking into the house that belonged to a married man. Need to mention the married man was not some random guy he met on a sketchy website, but more so his lifelong best friend.
He was so used to this; could he call it a routine? Used to this routine that he started to show up already in his pajamas for the night.
But tonight was different.
It had now gotten to the point where the other would leave the window already opened; Alan made a mental note to warn his friend about that.
When he finally made it inside, the house was always warm. It almost felt welcoming. Alan knew not to get too comfortable here; that would be dangerous for both of them. Alan did not want to get attached to something he could not have.
He wasn’t used to feeling like this,
He felt wanted in a way that he never felt before. It felt impossible, another man wanting him as a man. Sometimes if he thought about it for too long, his mind would convince him that his friend was using him to let out some steam. Maybe try new things his wife wasn't open to yet.
Alan stopped thinking.
“Are you thirsty?” The other would ask, and Alan would always say no. Never get too comfortable asking for things, taking things that don’t belong to you, offered to you. As long as he keeps saying no, nothing can break the invisible barrier in place.
“You don’t have to act like this around me.” The other man would complain; well, it sounded like a complaint to Alan. Fuck, he can’t ruin this. This is the first time in his life he ever felt wanted by someone, no sex involved.
Maybe Alan could be a little selfish, for once.
“I could drink something… then we can go to bed?” He offered. Sometimes it is okay to let your guard down. He doesn’t want to ruin this moment. While his dearest friend got him a glass to drink out of, Alan would think again.
What if it were someone else? Would it feel the same?
Carter?
No, he’d probably be just as stuck up as Alan.
Ted?
Maybe for a little while he could feel almost loved? But then the sex thing would become an issue for him. Ah, another thing, Alan wasn’t a sex guy. Well, at least not anymore.
Sometimes if his dearest friend took too long, Alan would think about his son for a bit. How was he handling everything, with his friend? Todd asked him plenty of times to stop sugarcoating his relationship with Damon.
Alan wasn’t strong enough for that.
“You haven’t touched your drink, Alan. Is something on your mind?” His friend would gently tap his wrist to get the other man’s attention. How could Alan be so stupid, let himself think for too long? He can’t fuck this one up.
“No.” A simple answer; that is all that was needed. Tension is already high; Alan doesn’t want to ruin this.
“Well then, we need to talk. It is important to me that you are listening.” The gentle touches soon stopped with every word that left the brunette’s mouth.
Alan can’t lose him; he can’t mess this up, not now.
“I can’t think of a time that I am not listening to you.” He said with a smile. Smile, just keep smiling, no matter what comes next out of the other man’s mouth.
It was silent in the kitchen, but Alan’s mind was loud with thoughts and overwhelming sounds of misery and despair waiting to eat him alive.
He can’t fuck this up; he can’t do this to his friend; he wants them to be happy; this is all he ever wanted in life, to be happy with someoneˆ.
Does that make me selfish?
“We need to put an end to this, preferably tonight.”
It finally comes out.
The brunette doesn’t speak. The silence continues to grow as the room gets cold. Alan can’t bear to look his friend in the eye.
What has he done?
“If that is how you feel, I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing, Alan.” Jay smiles, softly caressing Alan’s knuckle.
“I-” Alan pauses for a moment. Is there anything he can say to fix the damage he has done?
I’m selfish for wanting you,
Alan doesn’t speak; he pulls his hand away and still
He doesn’t utter a word.
Did he smile enough? Or was it too much? Could Jay tell that every thought felt like a stabbing needle to his brain? What if Jay wasn’t thinking anything at all? Gosh, why was Alan so stupid?
Am I overreacting?
Alan is afraid,
He doesn’t want to be alone, but unfortunately he doesn’t have a choice anymore. He lost that a long time ago. For once, could he not be alone?
Is that too much to ask for?
“I think I should be leaving now, thanks for the drink.” Alan wishes he had more to say; he wishes he was strong enough to say anything. He wishes Jay was strong enough to stop Alan; he wishes for too much.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Jay gives him an almost smile; Alan can’t tell anymore; he doesn’t want to look anymore. He wants to forget so badly what that smile looks like.
“Oh Alan, I didn’t know you stopped by?” Joan smiled, pulling him into a tight, warm embrace. “I was just leaving; you two have a good night. Don’t stay up too late.” Alan forced a smile onto his face, gently embracing Joan.
Could she smell her husband’s scent on my jacket?
“I should be going now; it is getting late, and I’m all the way in Kansas.” Alan joked, but he wasn’t smiling anymore. He should get home soon. “Is it safe for you to be alone right now?” Jay asked, worried for his friend.
“I’ll be fine; tend to your wife.” Alan spat, harshly.
He left
It wasn't Jay’s fault Alan was so selfish; maybe one day he would understand.