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Despite being born in Manhattan, in the beating heart of America, Tony’s not a big New York guy. He loves California. There’s something about Los Angeles that gets his heart going in a way the east coast doesn’t.
New York, he thinks, is too much like his father. Archaic and cold.
After the Mandarin blew up his Malibu home, Tony and Pepper moved into the Avengers Tower. Tony hasn’t had a roommate since MIT and that was Rhodey. Tony dreaded the whole affair, he had managed to convince Pepper to stay an extra week in the hotel room in Laurel Canyon but, reasonably, she’d told him enough and that the movers had already taken their things and that they had to go.
So, there they were. In Manhattan. In Avengers Tower.
Only Natasha, Bruce and Steve live there fulltime (Tony remembers seeing that whole mess with SHIELD in the news but he’s decided to, mostly, ignore it. He’s mostly upset his work was used to bring pain to people– again. It’s like he can do nothing right). Clint, according to Natasha, comes by every now and then. Thor was living with his girlfriend, Jane Foster, but they came by sometimes.
Steve, Tony noticed, had a friend. Tony was introduced to him in the kitchen, Pepper had been in the bedroom with Natasha– they were talking about the flight over and how things had been and whatever else. Pepper had expressed that she missed Nat to some extent, they hadn’t been in contact.
“You’ll have to show me,” he said to Bruce. Bruce had his hands in his pockets, leaning on the counter while Tony made coffee. Bruce had an idea– a mobile service module that could respond to a Hulk rampage. Earlier in the year, they had thrown around the idea for a Hulkbuster suit and Bruce had drawn out a few blueprints for it. “I think it could work,” Tony added, watching the coffee machine whir loudly. He could tinker with that later, while Pepper was sleeping and Tony was unable to.
Bruce hummed. “I think so too,” he said and then gently requested, “Can you pour me a cup too?”
Tony shrugged. He could never understand why Bruce was so damn meek. Bruce had plenty of reasons to not be. He was a renowned scientist, he had a monster living inside him and yet he could be very quiet, humble. “Sure,” Tony replied, “whenever it’s done. Who bought this piece of crap anyway?”
Bruce grinned, crooked like he knew what he had to say would make Tony irritated. “Steve,” he said, “I think he just bought the first one he saw.”
Tony’s nose scrunched. “Why’d you guys let Grandpa go out and buy technology? Guy can barely work a cell,” he said with a huff. Bruce laughed before abruptly stopping, his eyes no longer focused on Tony but something behind him. Tony raised an eyebrow and asked, “Is there a spider or something? I think you’ve got it against a spider, big guy.”
He turned around to swat at whatever it was before being met by a very muscular man with a shaggy haircut and a metal arm.
Tony froze. “Who the hell is this?”
The man didn’t reply. He had cold, empty eyes in a way that made even Tony shiver and he was staring straight through Tony. He seemed like the shell of a person, there was something off putting about him. Tony tensed up. Steve came through the kitchen doorway a little bit after, a sheepish look on his face. “Buck,” he exclaimed, grabbing the man’s shoulder.
The man relaxed slightly, leaning into Steve’s hand. He seemed hesitant to tear his eyes away from Tony but he did, to look at Steve who reassured him gently, rubbing his shoulder.
“Who is this?” Tony repeated, a little louder.
The man tensed up a little again, Steve frowned and Bruce made himself busy with the coffee. “I heard you the first time, Tony,” Steve said, eyes narrowing. “This is Bucky. He’s a friend.”
Tony stared at the both of them, Steve and Bucky. When did Steve have friends anyway?
Bruce grabbed two mugs out of the cabinet. Tony watched his hand touch his mug and his stomach turned. “Bruce, don't worry about mine. I’ll pour it myself,” he said. Bruce nodded and poured his own. Tony grabbed a different mug from the cabinet and poured his own. He turned his attention back to Dorthy and the Tin Man. “Does your friend pay rent, Steve?” he asked, sipping his coffee.
This time, Steve scowled and the man tensed up further– he looked about five seconds away from blowing up before Steve calmed down and Bucky did too. It was weird. Everything about it was weird. Tony looked away in disbelief. “Do you mind, Stark?” Steve asked, oddly aggressive. “Bucky just needed a place to stay. Can you find it in your heart to let him?”
Bruce laughed quietly at that but stopped when Tony looked at him. Tony sipped his coffee and stared at the odd duo. Something was up there but.. well, he didn’t really care so long as they didn’t bother him. He shrugged. “Just keep your boytoy under control and we’ll have no issues,” Tony replied with a smirk.
Bucky tilted his head, Steve became very flustered and stumbled over his words.
“So what’s really up with the Captain and his lover?” Tony asked Bruce once they got into the lab. He was looking over Bruce’s blueprints, they looked alright but there was always need for improvement.
Bruce answered, “They used to be childhood friends, I think. Then Bucky got kidnapped by HYDRA, they experimented on him. He killed some people. Now, he’s here.”
Tony snorted. “Very concise, Banner.”
Bruce shrugged. Tony didn’t think much of it, ultimately. He and Bruce were working on something far more exciting and either way, Tony didn’t really care who was staying over so long as they didn’t cause trouble.
–
Tony had done some research into this Bucky character when he was unable to sleep. The guy’s alias was The Winter Soldier and he was some big assassin figure. He even tried to kill Cap a few months ago. The guy was technically wanted but no one knew if he was real or not.
Tony decided to not worry about it. Pepper would say that too. They were finally in a good place now that Tony’s head was clearing up and he was getting clean. Pepper made him feel like he was worth something, like he wasn’t a total piece of crap.
“Is Rhodey around?” Tony asked Pepper, leaning on the headboard and watching her while she was getting dressed for work; he had taken four sleeping pills last night and was able to knock out the entire night. He had not told Pepper about his new habit. She wouldn’t like it, and he didn’t want to argue. She pulled on her skirt. “I don’t know,” she replied, “Why don’t you call him?”
Tony sat up and kissed her shoulder. Her long red hair cascaded down her back. She smelt like vanilla– it was a new perfume, he’d seen her come home with the bag from Chanel. Tony liked it. “Not in the mood to hear him nag,” he said, resting his chin on her shoulder. He wished they could stay in bed forever but he would probably regret that wish. He wished he could be the sort of person to stay in bed forever. “You know how he is,” he said. But it was weird– being so far from Rhodey. It was rare that they were ever so far away. If Rhodey was there, Tony was too and vice versa.
Pepper sighed softly. She moved her head to kiss him. Tony kissed back, almost too eagerly. She had a way about her that made Tony feel like a virgin, like he was stupid and unsure of what to do with his hands. Pepper laughed into his lips. “Easy there,” she warned, smiling.
“Come on,” he said, huffing. He kissed her neck and murmured into her ear, “Stay a while.”
“I have work, Tony,” she scolded, standing up and brushing herself off. “I’m sure you can find a way to entertain yourself.”
Tony groaned and laid back on the bed. “Oh, nothing’s as fun without my lover,” he said in a mock Shakespearean tone. He could hear her smile, hear her roll her eyes without seeing any of it. “You’ll live,” she said, bending down to kiss his cheek, “Be good and we’ll have tons of fun when I get back.”
Tony smiled and kissed her again. “Alright, alright. I’ll be perfect,” he said. Pepper raised an eyebrow like she didn’t believe him but went on her merry way anyway.
It was early. Tony laid in bed for a while longer, trying to go back to sleep but the melatonin had run its course. He got up, got dressed and stared at himself in the mirror for too long. His father used to tell him he was vain and wasteful. Maybe he was. What did it matter? He had the money to be as wasteful as he wanted. He splashed his face with water and soughed.
That was the bad part about being near Steve. Steve, no matter what he was doing, made him think of Howard. Tony wondered who Steve liked better– Tony or Howard? Howard liked Steve better, certainly.
Tony grimaced and went out to the living room. His first thought was to head to the lab and play music– loudly. He had no use for sentimental thinking now.
In the living room, Tony was met with the Winter Soldier sitting very still on the couch, almost as if he was a robot rebooting. God, he gave him the chills. This was a man who had tried to kill Steve just a few months ago! And all of a sudden he was safe? Yeah, right.
“Where’s Steve?” Tony asked the man.
Bucky’s eyes slowly moved to Tony. “In the room,” he said, and his mouth fit strangely around the words like he wasn’t used to speaking at all. There was a pause between words. In.. the.. room. And he spoke with a strange lilt, almost slavic in some ways. Tony didn’t know what Steve saw in him.
“Why’re you out of the room?”
Tony supposed they’d been friends a long time– that probably counted for half the Captain’s fondness for the guy. He was probably glad to have a friend as ancient as him.
Bucky hesitated, the look flashed over his face very quickly like he hadn’t meant to let it out. “Couldn’t sleep,” he answered anyway.
What a strange guy.
Tony figured he could either go to the lab, just ignore this Bucky character. Or he could make coffee and talk. What was with him and coffee lately? Just replacing one addiction for the other.
“Do you want coffee?” Tony asked after an awkward amount of silence.
Bucky nodded. His eyes drilled into Tony’s skull.
–
“Is it just me or does that Bucky give you the creeps?” Tony asked Natasha. They were in the training room– she had begun teaching him some simple things. Tony had, unfortunately, came to the realization that he was useless in a fight without his suit. Rhodey, of course, had been telling him that for a while but it had only mattered a few weeks ago.
They were sitting on the matted floor. Tony could feel the sweat drip down his body, through his hair. Nat worked him so hard, he could vomit. He doesn’t remember the last time he worked out that hard. Usually, he half-assed it. He took a sip out of his water bottle, pointed it toward Nat who rejected the offer. Fair enough.
At his question, Natasha hummed. “I think he’s just adjusting,” she said. Her expression fell a little. “It’s a big adjustment,” she added a moment later, “going from being someone’s puppet to your own person.”
Tony shrugged slightly. “Yeah,” he said, “probably.”
It was hard to place what exactly threw Tony off about the man. Bucky was never aggressive towards him and he was fairly soft spoken. The only weird thing he really did was get all possessive over Steve. You could hardly insult Steve if Bucky was in the room. Only then did Bucky get all touchy, his body would tense and only Steve could calm him down. High school couple, much?
If Tony had to guess why Bucky bothered him so badly, it would be those eyes. His stare was haunting and he, no matter who was talking, stared at Tony. Tony couldn’t stand it. Maybe if Bucky had pretty eyes, he wouldn’t mind but the guy didn’t. It wasn’t a yearning gaze– it was a death stare, or so it felt like.
Tony hadn’t done anything to Bucky besides a few mean comments here and there but he did that to everybody. It wasn’t a crime to be a little bitchy. Maybe Tony unsettled Bucky as much as Bucky unsettled Tony.
“He’s just like anyone else, Tony,” Natasha replied, a little stiffer this time. “He’s.. trying.”
–
Tony’s mother used to put her on his lap and teach him the keys on piano. She would smile, kiss his head and tell him, “Every good boy does fine.” He can still remember some of the notes now. It’s a fun party trick. He shows it off at the piano in the living area. Steve and Bucky are sitting out there with their new friend, Sam Wilson. Tony made a mental note to look him up. Steve was doing most of the talking– Bucky was leaning on Steve heavily and occasionally saying a word every now and then.
It was strange, the urge Tony had to impress Steve. It was similar to the urge he had to impress his father. To be the best so his father could love him. To be the best so Steve could be his friend. It’s all a well of sickness, this need. It was childish and yet he couldn’t help it.
So, he played piano in hopes his father’s second greatest creation would comment. (Tony thinks Obie would have a comment for that, for how desperate Tony still is for Daddy’s attention).
Bucky is the one who comments, his eyes wide. “What is that?” he asked. His voice silenced the room and all three men turned to look at him.
Tony stopped playing to look at him and Bucky looked almost pitiful like it was grave that Tony did not stop. “It’s Vienna by Billy Joel,” Tony replied, settling his fingers back on the keys. He straightened up and played.
Tony could hear Bucky stand and hover over him, humming the song in an offbeat manner that would usually annoy Tony but didn’t– this time. “Billy Joel,” Bucky murmured and then said it a little louder, “Billy Joel, Steve. Write it down.”
Steve had laughed. He must’ve done what Bucky asked.
They were very close. Pepper had her own suspicions about them, she’d told them to Tony when she badgered him. The concept of The Captain America being a sodomite would drive Howard crazy. Anything that’s not perfectly straight and narrow would drive that man crazy, so even if it’s not true, Tony can pretend it is when he’s feeling down on himself. He can think; at least Dad would be disappointed with the both of them.
“Stevie, have you not been giving this poor soul a musical education?” Tony asked, a playful lilt in his voice as he played a simpler, melodic tune that his mother had made up. Sam barked out a laugh. “Steve barely even listens to music, as-is! When he does, it’s all stuff from the 40s!”
Tony turned his head to watch Steve’s reaction. Steve flushed. “There’s no crime in it,” he said sheepishly. Bucky turned to look at Steve with a smile. “See,” he exclaimed like he just won an old argument, “you do have an old soul, Rogers.”
Steve huffed and leaned back on the couch; he did not protest.
Tony kept the music going.
–
Tony had started smoking cigarettes a week after Thor moved back in. He wondered how long he could go without Pepper noticing. There was something deep and wrong in Tony’s bones that made him want to mess up whatever good thing he got. Pepper would yell at him if she found out.
Tony stood on the balcony and took a drag. She would hate it, she thinks it’s unattractive and unhealthy. He exhaled the smoke.
When Tony was young, very little, he used to go into his father’s office and steal papers off his desk. He knew, at some point, he would be caught and yelled at. But he kept doing it. Even today, he isn’t sure why. It was a compulsion– he has always wanted to see how far he could push the barrier.
The moon was high in the sky tonight. Tony had seen it a million times from a million different angles. People used to worship you, he told it, now all they do is stare. He can’t believe the moon’s okay with that– no ambition, their moon.
The sliding door to the balcony opened and Tony quickly put out his cigarette.
It was only Bucky. The man came up to his side and breathed in the night’s air.
Tony huffed. “You made me waste a perfectly good cigarette,” he complained.
Bucky shrugged without remorse. “You’ll live,” he said.
Tony lit another.
They both sat in silence, staring down at New York City. If New York had anything over California, it was this. The people down below, walking and laughing like it wasn’t 2 in the morning. Nowhere was dead in NYC. For some, the night may have just started.
“Sometimes,” Bucky said before stopping himself. His eyes flickered to and from Tony. From looking at him to looking at the skyline.
“Sometimes?” Tony prompted.
Bucky sighed. “Sometimes,” he continued, “I feel like I’ve seen your face before but I can’t place it.”
Tony just laughed. “I’m sure you have. Seen my face before, that is.”
Bucky rolled his eyes, shook his head and looked down. “No,” he insisted, “I would know if it was from something like that. Like an ad or magazine or something. I know.. that face.” The guy rubbed his face like it would help him to remember.
Tony shrugged and turned to look at Bucky, blowing his smoke onto the man’s face. “Does it matter?” he asked.
Bucky didn’t reply.
“Maybe you knew my father, Howard, when you were in the army,” he said, “Unfortunately, I’ve always been told I share his face.”
Bucky looked at Tony again this time and there was a look of slight recognition on his face– then there was something else afterward that Tony couldn’t place. He nodded slowly and hesitantly agreed, “That could be it.”
There was something off about the glint in Bucky’s eyes but there always was so Tony brushed it off. “Cigarette?”
“Yeah, okay,” Bucky replied, grabbing one from Tony’s box.
A week after that, Bucky was gone. Steve was broken up about it. Tony had felt a push of relief. He was the one to comfort Steve and he always felt very good about doing something like that. Being able to see his childhood hero upset, more than upset, was exhilarating even if he was terrible at comforting him.
–
Pepper was sleeping, Tony watched her. She had found out about the cigarettes and he had not gotten the big, blowout reaction he wanted. She had sighed, deep like it was from the very ins of her lungs. “I can’t make you want to live, Tony,” she murmured, “as much as I want you to.”
And then she went to sleep. Tony stood at the doorway. He did these things to himself. Why? Why was it that his mind wanted to be flagellated, and wanted his life in ruins? He couldn’t fathom it and yet, his actions and his thoughts couldn’t help it. He would destroy his life, his good wherever and whoever it was.
Tony slept in the living room. He did not think about Steve or Bucky. He took five sleeping pills and didn’t think at all.