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Nothing ever seemed to go right in Baek Saheon’s life.
From the very start, growing up in that godforsaken village, he learned that he couldn’t trust things to ever go his way unless he made it so himself. He knew it was selfish, but really, what other options was he left with? He didn’t want to die. And more than that, he couldn’t bear the idea of ending up as a sacrifice for something so utterly pointless as a god.
If a god like the one that his entire village worshipped so reverently actually existed, he would never pray to something as cruel as that. All of the so-called divine blessings that his village desired were nothing but a curse in Saheon’s life. This “god” was the source of all his problems for as long as he’s known. It was the reason he’s had to spend his whole life in survival mode, trying to escape its influence, all those years wanting to be anywhere but home, for all those years of perfectly practiced smiles and nodding obediently.
He kept smiling even when his sister drew that godforsaken “great fortune.”
Saheon remembers it like it was just yesterday. He was sitting right next to her when she took her turn to draw a fortune. He saw the terrified expression on her face as she looked back at him, and when he looked at the stick in her hand and saw the sparkling gold, his heart sank. Of course, his sister quickly schooled her expression into one of pure euphoria and joy, but the fear never left her eyes even as she proclaimed how honored she was to have received such a wonderful “blessing,” the greatest in her whole life.
He watched helplessly as she was immediately swarmed by the rest of the villagers, each one of them chanting blessings together in eerie unison, like some sort of hivemind. Baek Saheon wondered how many of them were genuinely happy for her, and how many were simply following along mindlessly.
Baek Saheon felt like he was about to vomit. It was a testament to the years he had spent perfecting managing his expressions that his smile didn’t waver once while his sister was led away to the house in the center of the village. He’d never felt so helpless before.
Years later, even though he knows there isn’t anything he could have done, he still regrets not being able to do something. That night before his sister disappeared into the shrine, he didn’t sleep at all. He considered breaking into the house where they were keeping her, but no matter how many scenarios and ideas he came up with, they all ended with both of them dead. So instead, he locked himself in his room and cried until the sun came up.
He watched the procession to the shrine in a daze. That day, everyone was so focused on congratulating him on how “blessed” he was to be related to this year’s sacrifice "fortune of Jisan", and how maybe next year he’d be lucky enough to be chosen as well, that no one even noticed how his smile didn’t reach his eyes. The festive atmosphere was absolutely suffocating, and he wanted nothing more than to watch the entire village burn. But instead, he had to watch as the one person he actually cared about got taken right in front of him. He remembers how angry he was, wishing more than anything that he could make everyone in that village disappear, before remembering that he was powerless to do anything at all.
So, when Kim Soleum looks at him like that, and fucking apologizes, Saheon feels like he’s a kid again, his whole world collapsing around him for the second time.
Things had been going a bit too well, he supposes.
He thinks back to the feeling of the sea breeze on his face, after narrowly escaping that horrifying choir. Just a couple of days ago, he thought that this time would be different. That he’d managed to save someone he.....
Why is it that the people he cares about are always taken from him, while he’s powerless to do anything? He isn’t some weak, pathetic kid anymore. He spent the past 3 years of his life fighting his way to the top, and he even got promoted all the way to Section Chief. By all means, there should be something he’s able to do, so why did things still end up this way?
The warmth of Kim Soleum’s hands on his shoulders burns. That warmth that he knows is supposed to be reassuring is just another reminder of what he’s about to lose, and Baek Saheon can’t take it anymore.
“What good does saying sorry do? If you were going to act like this, you shouldn’t have dragged me into this in the first place. Why are you saying something like that now, after you already dragged me in..!”
‘Why would you give me hope and make me care about you, if you’re just going to leave me?’
Baek Saheon remembers 3 years ago, sitting in a dark room, an agent admitting to something in a hushed voice with a blank, strangely relaxed expression on his face that said he had run out of reasons to live. And now, the man standing in front of him…
In his mind’s eye, he sees that face he witnessed all those years back overlap with Kim Soleum standing in front of him. Out of pure instinct, Baek Saheon grabs Kim Soleum by his collar. Maybe a part of him thinks that if he holds on tightly enough, Kim Soleum can’t be taken away from him.
He pulls Kim Soleum closer to him, desperately trying to read his expression, and pleads with everything left inside him.
“Don’t give up! You’re still alive and moving, right? It’s not too late…”
Is he trying to convince Kim Soleum, or himself, at this point? He doesn’t know.
“I won’t give up.”
“..!”
“Why would I give up?”
Baek Saheon’s grip falters as Kim Soleum meets his gaze and continues speaking.
“There are still things that we can try.”
“Try…what?”
A flicker of hope passes through Baek Saheon.
“You said it yourself. This branch serves as a sort of pilot project.”
“Ho Yuwon was promoted to a director at headquarters after working here. That implies that this is a place where, if you produce good results, you can earn an extraordinary promotion here, right?”
“....”
“I’m going to pull off some insane results over the next week.”
“...!”
‘Is there a chance?’
“Can you report these results to the higher-ups as-is, without any filtering? …So that I can get promoted.”
“.....”
“I’m not going to stay as a contract worker. I’m going to become a full-time employee.”
Baek Saheon nods.
“Ok, I’ll do it.”
To be honest, Kim Soleum doesn’t even need to ask.
Although he’d never admit it, Saheon would do almost anything to save the man in front of him. It’s been a long time since Baek Saheon has been willing to put his faith into someone, but for Kim Soleum, he’s willing to take that risk. Whether it’s out of gratitude for how he was once saved himself, or something else that he isn’t sure he’s ready to address yet, it doesn’t really matter.
Either way, Kim Soleum hasn’t given up yet, so Saheon won’t either.