Chapter Text
Katsuki was lying on his bed, spread out like a starfish, staring at the ceiling. His vision was going in and out of focus and he tried to figure out what the hell was going on in his head so he could sleep. Deku had told him to try writing his thoughts and feelings down. The nerd had even gotten him a notebook. It didn’t matter. He knew that wouldn’t work, and even if it would, he didn’t know what he would write. His mind was just a mess of feelings he couldn’t describe. He didn’t know how Deku felt so much so often. This was disgusting.
He turned his head to read the clock. 9:30 pm. He’d been up for an hour, unable to sleep. This was torture. Growling under his breath, he sat up and unlocked his phone. He had hundreds of unread messages from the ‘Bakugo’s mom is hot’ groupchat. Kaminari had changed the name to that and no one had changed it since. The only thing he used his phone for was texting or calling his mom, Kirishima, Deku, and occasionally Uraraka. And to record his workouts.
He clicked the search bar. His fingers hovered over the keyboard. This was stupid. He threw his phone at the wall, hoping it wouldn’t wake anyone up. But he knew Kirishima - who was on the other side of that wall - was a deep sleeper. Two minutes later, he picked up his phone again. ‘Why can’t I sleep?’ That just led him to sites about different sleep-related mental issues. ‘How to figure out what the fuck is going on in my head.’ More mental health tips. He was this close to searching ‘am I gay quiz,’ but he didn’t. This was stupid. He was desperate to fix… this.
Lately, he’d been spiraling. In class, in the locker rooms, at night, during meals. He’d zone out and his thoughts would spin and spin and tumble together until it was impossible to untangle it all. It was his own fault he let it get like this. Deep down he knew if he had talked to someone about it, it would’ve gotten better. Technically, he could still talk to someone. Not that he would.
When he lay back down, his bed felt wrong. It was uncomfortable and cold, even when he covered himself with a blanket. This was so stupid! He should not be losing sleep over this. It felt like he was awake for hours and hours. It felt like it had been at least four hours, so he checked his clock. 10:00 pm. He wanted to scream. Scream and cry and rip his hair out and explode the shit out of Deku.
He sat up. Perfect.
He jumped out of bed and ran to Deku’s room, still in the tank top and sweatpants he went to bed in. He raised his hand to bang on the door, then stopped. That would definitely wake someone up. How could he be so pathetic as to care about other people? He rolled his eyes at himself and opened the door.
The second the door moved - it didn’t even make a sound - Deku was awake and on his feet. Damn, his reflexes were fast. “Kacchan?” He relaxed a bit, but was clearly on edge standing in his t-shirt and underwear. “Is something wrong?”
“Fight me.”
“What?”
Katsuki walked over, grabbed Deku by the shirt, and started dragging him out of the room. “You’re going to fight me. And you’re not going to hold back. And I’m going to beat the shit out of you. Got it?”
“Kacchan!” Deku caught himself on the door frame to stop himself from being yanked further. “We’re going to get in trouble again. Mr. Aizawa’s gonna kill us. Why do you want to fight? Is there something wrong?”
“Deku.” Katsuki looked at him. If he wasn’t lying to himself, he was practically begging. But he was lying to himself and he would never beg. “Please.”
Deku blinked, his eyebrows shooting up. He must’ve sensed something in Katsuki’s tone - or he knew what everyone and their mothers knew: Katsuki Bakugo didn’t beg. “Okay. We need to be more discreet this time, though. I don’t want to get in trouble again. Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t care.” Katsuki shoved his hands in his pockets and continued down the hall, trusting that Deku would follow.
Deku hurried to catch up, tugging pants and shoes on. “Okay, follow me.” He quickened his pace to pull ahead of Katsuki.
“Don’t tell me what to do! And don’t walk in front of me.”
They ended up in an alleyway that was pretty wide and mostly empty except for a dumpster and a fire escape.
“These buildings are abandoned and there’s no houses around here so we don’t have to be worried about waking people up or destroying homes.” Deku faced Katsuki. One For All formed as glowing lines around his body. “Let’s not kill each other, okay?”
Katsuki grinned. Explosions sparked from his palms as he flexed his hands. “No promises!” He lunged at Deku, swinging his arm.
Deku leapt out of the way, kicked off the wall, and launched himself at Katsuki. His foot struck him in the side.Deku landed on the ground and quickly ducked to avoid the explosion of retaliation aimed at his head. “Are you getting deja vu?”
“No, you idiot!” Katsuki managed to hit Deku, knocking him back against the wall. “This is different than then!”
“You really need better coping mechanisms,” Deku muttered. He pushed himself off the wall and stumbled a bit, rolling his neck.
“Huh? What does that mean?” Katsuki yelled.
Deku barely dodged the next attack. “I mean you never actually try to figure out what you’re feeling . You just bottle it up until it literally explodes. Then you take out your anger in a fight, usually against me. Why is it so hard for you to talk about your feelings?”
“Cause feelings are for losers!” BOOM. Katsuki aimed at Deku’s face and blew him up. Katsuki laughed maniacally. This felt just as good as he’d expected it would, if not better.
Deku coughed, wiping off his cheeks and wincing. That was the worst, and unfortunately best, part about Deku - he never stayed down. “Feelings are for humans. Seriously, Kacchan, tell me what’s wrong this time!”
“I don’t know!” Katsuki shouted. He took a swipe at Deku, but he rolled out of the way and latched onto his leg, pulling him down. Katsuki yelped as he hit the ground. “I can’t explain it. I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. Nothing I’ve tried seems to help.” Shit. How did Deku always manage to get him to talk?
Deku stopped fighting. He tilted his head, concerned. Katsuki hated it, so he punched him right in the jaw. Deku’s head snapped back from the impact. Instantly, he punched back, hitting Katsuki in the nose. Katsuki’s eyes watered. He hated getting hit in the nose. But the pain felt good as he licked the blood off his lip.
Deku held up his hand. “Enough.”
Katsuki’s smile dropped. No, no, no. He wanted to keep fighting. He wasn’t done. He needed to keep fighting. It was equally as satisfying to hit and be hit, so it wasn't like he could smack a punching bag or anything. Besides, it felt way better to hit an actual person than an inanimate object.
“I’m leaving. Go to sleep, Kacchan.”
Katsuki watched Deku’s retreating back. Way to ruin the fun. He exhaled heavily, half a laugh, and fell to his knees. Why couldn’t he sleep? Why couldn’t his brain shut up? Why couldn’t he stop thinking about this stupid boy? What’s wrong with me?
He forced himself up and back to the dorms. What he wanted was to crawl to his room and collapse onto his bed, but he was bleeding and didn’t want to make a mess. Damn Deku. So instead he went to the bathroom, grabbing tissues to hold over his nose. He ran the sink and cleaned off his face.
The door opened behind him. He’d been sure he had locked it. And who didn’t knock when entering a bathroom? He spun around, his shoulders dropping when he spotted the person he wanted to see least.
“Bakugo?” Kirishima tilted his head with a smile. “What are you doing up?”
“Nothing.” Katsuki tossed the bloody tissues in the trash and held his wrist to his nose. “Haven’t you heard of knocking?” He pushed past Kirishima and closed his eyes and hurried to his room.
“Woah, are you okay, man?” Kirishima called down the hall.
Katsuki didn’t answer. He slammed his door behind him and leaned back against it. Staring at his hands, he groaned. What’s wrong with me?