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“I’m startin’ to feel like I should’ve dressed up,” Olruggio said, rubbing at the base of his neck. Qifrey smiled at him, warm, comforting, as he bustles around setting quite an elaborate dinner spread for them on the table. He’d planned out an evening for the two of them, a date, but he kept insisting that it wasn’t anything special, just quality time in their home while the girls are away on a camping trip with Alaira.
Qifrey hadn’t really dressed up, but he had exchanged his usual plain white robe skirt for one of the embroidered long tunics that he’d gotten from a grateful seamstress years ago. It was a favourite of his, one he often wore on particularly nice days when he’d do lessons outdoors. So not dressing up, necessarily, but definitely different. “Nonsense,” Qifrey said, and then bit at the corner of his lip with a smirk. “Though, if you really feel you want to mark the occasion, I wouldn’t be opposed to you tugging down the collar of your shirt a little more.”
“You’re shameless,” Olruggio replied with a grin, and tugged his usual white shirt down so the V was more open and let more of his chest hair peek through. That was an easy change, and one he’d made many times before over the years, both consciously and not. “I could take the whole shirt off entirely,” he teased. Qifrey paused as he was bringing over a plate set.
“I dearly hope you will, later,” Qifrey said, setting the plate and bowl down on the table in front of Olruggio’s chair. Qifrey’s hand and deft fingers darted to his chest to push just his fingertips underneath the hem of his collar and tug it ever so slightly even lower, Qifrey’s eyes fixed on the tuft of chest hair. He seemed about to lean down and kiss it, which Olruggio wasn’t going to discourage, when he sighed and forced himself to look back up. “But there’s some other things to do first,” he said, a little regretfully.
“Oh really?” Olruggio snaked his arm around Qifrey’s waist, trapping him in place as he leaned forward to kiss at Qifrey’s neck just above his shirt’s braided collar. He loved that spot, and loved that he could kiss it now whenever he wanted to, and the way Qifrey’s breath hitched every time. “We could try dessert before dinner, y’know.”
Qifrey laughed, leaning his cheek against Olruggio’s with a sigh. “And you call me shameless,” he said and kisses Olruggio’s cheek softly. “Please, Olly, I have a plan here.”
Olruggio lets go of Qifrey’s waist, arms up and palms out in a placating gesture. “Tell me where ya want me, then.”
“In your seat, please,” Qifrey said, indicating the chair behind him. Olruggio sits down, and Qifrey finally does too, across the table, having grabbed a lit orb candle from the counter and setting it in the center amongst the feast he had spent all afternoon preparing. Qifrey stretches out his left hand, and Olruggio takes it, squeezing them together with a now-familiar sensation that still makes him a little dazed. It’s been months since they’ve been able to start to do and say everything they’d both been holding back for years, but it still felt so new and tender. “Perfect,” Qifrey said with a relaxed smile, and impossibly, Olruggio fell a little more in love. He really thought he’d maxed that out by now, but every day Qifrey shows him something that makes him feel like he’s fallen even deeper.
“What do we have to do before I can have my way with you?” Olruggio asked, rubbing his thumb against Qifrey’s hand.
“First, we eat,” Qifrey said, a faint blush on his cheeks as he moved to serve them both a hearty portion of the salad to start with. “Although, perhaps I can start while we eat, since there’s so much.”
Olruggio looked at the table. A salad course, freshly baked bread like the kind Olruggio’s mother always made, a main course of cooked meat and expertly fire-roasted vegetables, a bottle of fine wine, and some pudding with fresh berries for dessert. “I’ll say. Did ya forget it’d be just the two of us? There’s at least three meals’ worth, here.”
“I may have been a bit nervous and overdone it,” Qifrey confessed. “But that’s not what I meant.” He rustled under the table for a moment and came away with a small notebook. Olruggio recognized it as a journal he’d seen Qifrey write in a lot recently, but he never seemed to be using it for spells. “Olly.”
“’Frey,” he said curiously.
“I’d like to apologize for some things.”
Olruggio rolled his eyes. “Not this again. Qifrey, I’ve told you already, you’ve nothing to apologize for.”
Qifrey shook his head. “I know you think so, love,” he went on, and Olruggio’s protests died on his tongue when he heard the delicate tone of Qifrey’s voice. “But I really think both of us will feel better if I do. Will you let me? Will you listen?”
Olruggio sighed. “Why do you think I’ll feel better if you apologize for things I don’t think need apologies?”
Qifrey looked down and took Olruggio’s hand in his again, then brought it up to his lips over the table and kissed Olruggio’s knuckles. “Some of it is selfish, I admit. I want to explain how many times I had to hold myself back, in the hope that you can see how much you meant to me since the start. And some… I think you would want to ask some questions, so you can understand why certain things played out the way they did.”
“I know why,” Olruggio said, still reluctant to dredge up past memories and hurt just to have the answer continue to be that Qifrey was stuck choosing between something he desperately wanted, death, and denying himself ever feeling true happiness and comfort, and Olruggio had forced him to always choose the most painful thing, over and over. “I don’t know why rehashing the decades-long effects of cursing you with my selfishness would even-“
“That’s exactly why,” Qifrey cut him off, and Olruggio stopped. “That’s still how you’re thinking of it all. You saved my life, Olruggio. And I’m grateful for it.”
Olruggio squeezed Qifrey’s hand. “I am too.”
“So will you let me take us down memory lane and apologize for some things? Please?”
“Alright, love,” Olruggio relented. “Let’s hear it.”
“First,” Qifrey starts, turning to an early page in the journal, “I want to offer a general apology for all the times you doubted my attraction to you.”
Olruggio smiled gently. “A little broad, don’t ya think?”
“Yes,” Qifrey admitted, “and I’ll go into further details later. But I wanted to start with this, because it pains me to think you ever didn’t feel desired, when all I desperately wanted was to be close to you.”
Desired. Olruggio had struggled with that feeling for so many years, only contradicted by a handful of dearly held moments of passion and connection that told him Qifrey did feel for him the same way, even if he was never sure or allowed to ask why they seemed to be unable to act on it. Qifrey had apologized for this before, more than once, since the Silverwood was removed. He’d told Olruggio he’d apologized for this pre-removal, too, but that always eventually ended with a memory wipe. Olruggio wasn’t surprised to hear that.
“I hope I show you that better now,” Qifrey says, earnest. Olruggio reaches out and squeezes his hand briefly again.
“You do.”
Qifrey flipped to the next page in the journal. “Most of these are in chronological order. It seemed easier to catalog things, but this is in no way a complete list.”
“How many are there?” Olruggio asked between bites of his salad. Qifrey took a bite too, finally, as he looked at the journal with a slight frown.
“I can’t remember exactly, I lost count somewhere around the twenty third item.”
“Qifrey,” Olruggio said with an incredulous laugh. “That’s too many, we’d be here all night.”
“Now you know why I cooked so much food,” Qifrey replied, and nodded at Olruggio’s plate. “Eat, Olly. I’ll keep going.”
Olruggio took another bite, skeptical they would even get to sleep tonight from Qifrey’s ambitious plans. He’d have to find an off ramp somewhere after the first ten of these, for both their sakes.
“I’m sorry for pushing you away when you hugged me, the first time we met.”
Olruggio frowned. “You mean after you nearly drowned?”
“Yes.”
“Qifrey-“
“No, I know what you want to say, that it’s understandable and that there was so much going on, and that I didn’t know what was happening either.”
“Yes, because we’ve talked about this-“
“I’m still sorry, Olly. I’m sorry you saved my life and showed me kindness and I had to cut it short.”
“Alright,” Olruggio said, determined. “If you’re set on doing this, then you gotta let me apologize too, sometimes.”
Qifrey frowned, but nodded. “I suppose that’s only fair. But what would you have to apologize for?”
“For this one, I’m sorry you couldn’t let yourself receive kindness when you clearly needed it.”
Qifrey smiled. “We’re going to get a bit recursive here, at this rate.”
Olruggio waved his hand. “Aye, I get your point. We’ll steer clear from Tetia’s endless “thank you”s dilemma.”
“I’m sorry I had to stop holding your hand when we went on our adventures.”
To prove the point, Olruggio took Qifrey’s hand in his again. “You had to pause it.”
Qifrey smiled. “Pause it. For so long. I’m sorry.”
“We were gettin’ older, anyway, I’m sure teenage embarrassment would’ve won out eventually.” He remembered when Qifrey stopped reaching for his hand when they were out under the stars. It took a few weeks to realize this was the new normal, but by then Olruggio was too preoccupied being confused why suddenly the thought of holding Qifrey’s hand brought up such nervous energy.
“Yes, well, teenage embarrassment is part of the next apology, too. I’m sorry I couldn’t explain why we traded the tassel and ribbon.”
Olruggio remembered when he’d woken up on that cliff side, the trade made, when he’d asked about trading back and how strong Qifrey’s reaction had been at the suggestion. So strong he let the subject drop, didn’t bring it up again. Especially as he saw how often Qifrey was obsessively playing with the ribbon. His ribbon. And the way his stomach did flips when he thought about it for too long.
“But I’m especially sorry you were left to deal with the teasing of our peers over it.”
“It didn’t matter,” Olruggio said easily, and meant it. It didn’t matter, because it was a comfort to Qifrey. And what did he care what other kids his age, the same kids that whispered about Qifrey, the same way kids in his home town had whispered about him, thought of it? Said about it? It mattered in the moment, sure, because everything matters so much at that age. But it doesn’t matter now.
“Still,” Qifrey pressed on. “I’m sorry.”
Olruggio nodded, a little stiff, and took another bite of his food.
“I’m sorry I started sleeping on the floor instead of in the bed next to you,” Qifrey went on.
“It was gettin’ questionable if we would both be able to even fit on the bed by then,” Olruggio pointed out. He’d known that then, too, in their mid-teen years, they’d gotten taller, lankier, and sharing a bed was getting more and more physically difficult without requiring close physical contact.
And just when Olruggio thought that it could be the perfect way to get to be close to Qifrey and play it off as just how much space he had available, Qifrey had started sleeping on the floor instead.
“We’d have to basically start sleeping on top of each other,” Olruggio added, pointing his fork at Qifrey.
“I was painfully aware of that, and how much I wanted it,” Qifrey confessed. “Hence the floor.”
“Hence the floor,” Olruggio nodded, understanding.
“I’m sorry I had to keep such a big secret from you,” Qifrey says as he serves them both the main course of the meal, and finally opens the bottle of wine and pours them each a glass. “More specifically, I’m sorry I yelled at you when you first asked me if I was hiding something. I was, clearly.”
Olruggio remembered that argument. It was their first real one, their first fight since they’d become friends. The first time Olruggio felt like he didn’t know how to turn it around because Qifrey just put up a wall and refused to let him through. So he had changed the subject, instead, after Qifrey yelled. Terrified of what had been said.
“I’m sorry I told you we didn’t have to be friends if you didn’t trust me. That wasn’t… I knew that would get you to drop it, and I’m afraid at that point I’d gotten quite used to lying and manipulation to keep myself…myself.”
“I was really scared,” Olruggio admitted. “That you’d walk away, stop being my friend, find someone else to go on adventures with.”
Qifrey reached out for Olruggio’s hand, again. They couldn’t hold hands and eat, but they were both stopping their meal to get that physical contact far more often than they were actually eating their food. “There’s never been anyone else I’d want that with,” Qifrey said, hand holding onto Olruggio’s tighter than usual.
“Guess you proved that when you stubbornly went off on your own,” Olruggio said with a small smile.
“Guess I did,” Qifrey agreed. “We’ll come to that as well, later.”
“Oh, great,” Olruggio said sarcastically, but he was still smiling, and so was Qifrey.
“Olly,” Qifrey says, more seriously. He’s still holding Olruggio’s hand, dinner plate untouched. “I’m sorry… I regret that you weren’t my first kiss.” Olruggio started to form the sentence he’d responded with before when Qifrey had brought this up, and Qifrey jumped in quickly. “I know you’ll say it doesn’t matter, and I know I’ve already told you that it felt like it was just a physical necessity, but - I so desperately wanted it to be you. It was all I could think about.” He laughed a little. “I was going so out of my mind, I asked Alaira to kiss me, initially.”
Olruggio laughed in disbelief. “Alaira? What’d she say?”
“I believe her exact words were ‘uh, no thank you’.” They both chuckled again, and Qifrey even took a few bites of his dinner. “It was quite a sweet moment, in hindsight. But back then, I cried because I knew I couldn’t kiss you.”
“Who was your first kiss, then?”
Qifrey’s eye darted to Olly’s face, then back at his plate as his face turned redder and redder. “Um,” he said, and Olruggio’s brow furrowed at the hesitation. “To be honest, I genuinely don’t remember his name.”
“Qifrey!” Olruggio scolded, but with a bit of a grin. Qifrey’s embarrassment had turned his cheeks and the tips of his ears a very notable red now. “I didn’t think you’d be so callous,” Olruggio teased. “I mean, your first kiss, that’s important!”
“It wasn’t,” Qifrey answered, blinking up at him. “Because it wasn’t you. That’s all I could think about.”
Olruggio’s teasing smile softened. “Good answer,” he said softly, and stretched a foot under the table until it hit the side of Qifrey’s boot, a consistent point of contact for them both. Qifrey pushed his foot further into Olruggio’s.
Then Qifrey looked back down at his plate, his smile fading a little.
“I’m sorry for the first time I had to wipe your memory.” He pushed against Olruggio’s foot again before Olruggio could start saying his response. “This will be the only memory wipe apology tonight, I promise. I know we’ve talked about them already.”
“Many times,” Olruggio confirmed. It was one of the first things Qifrey needed to talk about. The guilt of having to do them, of getting so used to the process that he kept the spell in his cap, reaching for it before the tree even had a chance to start sprouting. Olruggio had heard, asked, and been told about so many of them, about how the script played out each time, about how Qifrey never wanted to do it but couldn’t stop himself from trying to find the version of the conversation that would let Olruggio keep just enough context to not require memory wipes again.
“I wanted to apologize for the first one, the turning point. You’d done it to yourself, after the Librarian’s Trial. Your hand had drawn the spell, you had closed the circle, you had placed it to your forehead with that smile of yours.” Qifrey reached out for Olruggio’s hand again, and Olruggio quickly took it. “I hadn’t realized I would have to erase your memory. I thought the knowledge that you’d done it to yourself for my sake would keep me anxious and guilty and safe for a long time.” Qifrey smiled sadly. “But of course, you’re far too kind, too loving. You soothed that anxiety without even knowing it was there. Forgave my guilt before I could even express it.”
“You’re safe now, love,” Olruggio reminds him gently, and Qifrey smiles wider, genuine now.
“Yes, I am. All thanks to you.” Qifrey blinked a tear away, wiping at the corner of his eye with his free hand. “Well. I apologize for the first time, and all the times after.”
“There’s nothing to forgive,” Olruggio asserted, “but if it helps you to hear that you’re forgiven, for doin’ what I asked of ya, you are.”
Qifrey closed his eye and kissed Olruggio’s hand again, holding it with both of his. He held Olruggio’s fingers to his lips tightly. “I know you forgive me,” he finally said. “You always did.”
“Maybe we should move to the couch?” Olruggio suggested. As this went on, both of them seemed to want that comforting physical contact, and this table between them was making it annoying to achieve.
“That’s a lovely idea,” Qifrey said, letting go of Olruggio’s hand with only a little reluctance. Olruggio loved seeing how obviously Qifrey never wanted to stop touching him, would never tire of the way Qifrey hesitated, just barely, before breaking a physical connection now. “Lets finish the main course, and go sit on the couch for a while before we move on to dessert.”
“Sounds grand,” Olruggio agreed, going back to his plate with even more motivation.
“This one is less…fraught,” Qifrey went on. “I’m sorry I stopped going to the baths with you.”
Olruggio laughed under his breath. “We were sixteen by then, weren’t we? I was so paranoid you’d see me get an erection, I was thankful when we started bathing at different times just to save myself the embarrassment!”
Qifrey’s eyes darted down quickly, not lost on Olruggio how he instinctively glanced at his dick as soon as it was mentioned. “Yes, well, I don’t think I could’ve survived that either,” he said with a little smirk. “Though not from embarrassment.”
“Eat your food,” Olruggio said, tapping the side of Qifrey’s foot under the table. Qifrey laughed and took another bite.
They ate for a while in companionable silence, making good strides at finishing their portions and getting closer to their proposed couch relocation. But eventually, with some food still left on his plate, Qifrey turned the page in his journal again and cleared his throat.
“I apologize for seeking physical comfort in the arms of others,” he said a little stiffly.
Olruggio shrugged. “I did too, eventually.”
“I know,” Qifrey continued.
“Do you want me to apologize too?” Olruggio challenged.
“No, Olly. No. I was the one who turned away from you, from us, over and over. I was almost relieved when I realized you were also… well, after all the jealousy was put aside, I thought maybe it would bring you happiness.”
“Did it bring you happiness, Qifrey, when you were in the arms of someone else?” It probably sounded more pointed and angry than Olruggio meant for it to be, because Qifrey frowned and sat back a little.
“No,” he admitted. “Not once.”
“Then there’s nothin’ to apologize for, here.” Qifrey looked like he was chewing on a protest or an argument, so before he had finished the thought, Olruggio continued. “You can apologize, if you insist, but I don’t have to accept the ones that don’t have a leg to stand on.”
Qifrey regarded him with that look he knew well, of working through a puzzle or a new idea. “I suppose that’s fair.”
“It is,” Olruggio asserted. “Now finish your plate already. If we need to keep going through your list, I want to be holding you in my arms while we do.”
A grateful smile tugged at Qifrey’s mouth. “I don’t deserv-“
“Try again,” Olruggio cut across, knowing what Qifrey was about to say. Qifrey sighed.
“Alright, how about: I’m so lucky to have you shine your light on me, my star?”
Olruggio felt the blush all the way to his ears. “Aye, better,” he muttered, pointedly eating more and avoiding Qifrey’s eye. Qifrey smiled wider, and leaned forward to polish off his own meal.
Once they were both done, Olruggio stood, holding out his hand to Qifrey to lead them to the couch. Qifrey smiled up at him lovingly, taking his hand and grabbing his journal as he let himself be led.
Olruggio settled in first, against the corner of the couch, one leg stretched out along the length of the couch and the other still bent and hanging off the edge, arm resting over the back of the couch. This had become a common pose for him and Qifrey, where Olruggio makes himself a spot for Qifrey to settle into, comfortable, warm. Qifrey would then turn and sit down and wiggle his back and shoulders into Olruggio’s chest, bringing his feet onto the couch and his knees up and resting them against the back of the couch where Olruggio’s hand could rest on one of them. It let them sit together as they talked, Qifrey sometimes gesturing with a free hand, Olruggio holding him close. It also let them sit and read quietly, or more accurately let Qifrey sit and read in comfort while Olruggio buried his face in Qifrey’s neck and took a nap.
Qifrey turned a little more tonight, to be able to still see Olruggio’s face as they talked, putting more of his shoulder into Olruggio’s chest. It meant his knee was no longer in reach, so Olruggio just wrapped his arm around Qifrey’s shoulders, which made him settle in as usual.
Qifrey held the journal with both hands in his lap. He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss against Olruggio’s lips. “The next apology is for our first kiss,” he nearly whispered.
“Oh no ya don’t,” Olruggio said quickly. “No apologies for one of my happiest memories.”
Qifrey smiled and kissed him again. “The apology is for having to end it so early and abruptly.”
Olruggio kissed Qifrey quickly, keeping their faces close. “Alright, I’ll let ya have that one.”
“And for being drunk during it,” Qifrey said with a small smile.
“I don’t think it would’ve happened if we weren’t a bit drunk,” Olruggio pointed out, because he definitely wouldn’t have asked for the kiss without a bit of liquid courage.
“That’s probably true.”
“So we should really be thanking the booze.” Qifrey laughed.
“I’m sorry I said I wouldn’t remember it. I remembered every second, so clearly. It was all I could think about for weeks.”
“I thought Alaira might genuinely hit me with how much I talked to her about it, after,” Olruggio admitted, and Qifrey smiled.
“I expect she wanted to hit both of us over the head, then.” He darted forward for a quick kiss again. Olruggio chased him for a second one before he went on. “I carried that memory in my heart through so much.”
“That was my first kiss,” Olruggio admitted, and Qifrey nodded.
“I suspected as much, because you asked if you had done it wrong.” Qifrey reached up to Olruggio’s face here, staring into his eyes. “That broke my heart, Olly. That you would think you did something wrong by giving me everything I had ever wanted. I’m so sorry I made you doubt yourself in that moment. Doubt us.”
Olruggio turned his head to nuzzle into Qifrey’s hand more. “I know you had to,” he said softly. “I was grateful for it, even if it hurt. I still am.”
“One of your happiest memories, you just said,” Qifrey pointed out, and Olruggio nodded.
“I’m glad you didn’t have to take that one.”
Qifrey moved forward and pressed their lips together now. It wasn’t soft, or quick, like the others so far. It reminded Olruggio of that first kiss, all the feelings they had both put into it, the way they pushed into it trying to commit every moment to memory. There was less yearning and panic in this one, but just as much emotional weight, as in their place what moved in was longing and devotion, freely expressed. “Me too,” Qifrey said when they finally parted. “I don’t think I could’ve lived with myself.”
Olruggio nudged Qifrey’s nose with his, gently. “You call me kind, but you have such a big heart, my love. You are amazin’.”
Qifrey kissed him again, one of their comfortable, languid kisses that reminded them both that they have time, now, to spend together, to enjoy each other, to fill with their love. Olruggio liked these the most. As much as the passionate, quick, forceful kisses would get him worked up, it was these relaxed ones that made him feel centered, happy, safe. When Qifrey backed away again to look at the next page in the journal, Olruggio leaned his head forward until it was resting against Qifrey’s cheek, looking down at the notebook as well. Each page had a heading, and a few notes. Some pages were only a few sentences.
“I’m sorry I abruptly stopped letting you cut my hair,” Qifrey said, reading from the page. Olruggio moved his arm from Qifrey’s shoulder, bending it until he could thread his fingers through Qifrey’s hair gently at the top of his head. “After we shared a kiss I thought if you were so physically close to me, I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from kissing you again.”
“I can understand that,” Olruggio said slowly. “I didn’t think I would miss it as much as I did, cutting your hair.”
Qifrey moved his head into Olruggio’s hand at his crown a little more, like a cat. Olruggio chuckled. “You could cut it again, now, if you wanted. I’ve gotten fairly adept at doing it myself, but it’s always easier to have a helping hand.”
“You’ve got yourself a deal.” Olruggio lifted his head from Qifrey’s shoulder, but kept his fingers gently massaging Qifrey’s scalp as he turned to the next page.
“Qifrey,” he said slowly with a chuckle, looking at the journal. “This page just says ‘Easthies’.”
“Yes,” Qifrey confirmed.
“Are you planning to apologize for him being…Easthies?”
Qifrey laughed. “You know what I’m about to apologize for,” he said, and Olruggio did. But seeing a blank journal page with just Easthies across the top was still undeniably funny. “I figured you might have…questions.”
Questions. Olruggio did, indeed, have questions. When he’d realized that Qifrey and Easthies were having sex, it had taken him some time to process, and he eventually came to the conclusion that Qifrey had either gone fully insane, or he was in love. It had taken another week after he’d confirmed that they definitely were, in fact, fucking, to recognize that even if Qifrey wanted to have Easthies as part of their Atelier, it wouldn’t change Olruggio’s plans. Even if he had to see them be together, he still wanted to be close to Qifrey in whatever way Qifrey would have him. He told him as much, and soon after Qifrey stopped seeing Easthies, and it hadn’t been brought up since. “This is not a trick question,” Olruggio started slowly, “but what did you want to apologize for, exactly? You already apologized for having physical relations with others.”
“Well, yes, I did,” Qifrey agreed. “But this felt different. It’s Easthies.”
“I’m painfully aware of that,” Olruggio said with a slight smirk, hiding well-buried hurt. Qifrey must have seen through it because he leaned his head forward until their foreheads connected.
“I’m sorry I tried to keep it from you. I was fooling myself into thinking it was nothing at all and that it would end quickly.”
Olruggio closed his eyes. “So ya did love him?”
“No,” Qifrey said firmly. “No, it wasn’t love. But I… after you called me out on it, finally, after you said I should explore what it could be and told me you’d still be by my side, I allowed myself to consider the possibility of having you both. It was immensely selfish of me to think I could have Easthies for the physical release I knew I could never get with you, and still get to have you as my life’s partner in every other way.”
Olruggio didn’t want to admit that Qifrey could’ve had it if he’d asked, and that it would’ve killed him bit by bit, but it would still be better than nothing at all. Instead he searched for something he could say without tearing open more of this old wound. “What did Easthies say to that idea?”
“I never brought it up. As soon as I considered the possibility, I was reminded that Easthies is not someone I could let into my home, our home, like that.” Qifrey’s hand came up to rest on Olruggio’s cheek again, comforting, and he was glad they were having this conversation on the couch, with some much physical connection between them. “We truly were fundamentally incompatible, no matter how much we were trying to pretend otherwise. It was always going to be a short-lived, ill-advised dalliance and nothing more, in the end.”
Olruggio knew the answer of why Qifrey couldn’t choose him instead of Easthies now, but that question had plagued him for years after everything went down. Instead he allowed himself to tear open the old scar a little more and asked, “what did you see in him?”
“Potential,” Qifrey said slowly, and of course that was his answer. Qifrey who sees the potential in everyone, the best in everyone. It’s what makes him such a good teacher, it’s what makes Olruggio so proud to see when he’s instructing the girls, it’s what doomed him - doomed them both - to the silverwood curse and the cycle of memory wipes. “I thought, if I could convince him that the world is not so black and white, then I would… I’m not sure. Have the power to convince anyone of anything, I suppose. That if I could see him as a person I would want in my life even just in the physical capacity, that it would ease the physical needs and pain, a little. And I desperately wanted that to be easier. I wanted something to be easier.”
Olruggio nodded, and with a sigh leaned his head back to look at Qifrey. His eye was on the verge of tears. “Aye, I can understand that.” He moved a hand to the corner of Qifrey’s eye to wipe away the building moisture. “I can’t say I’m not happy it didn’t work out,” he added with a chuckle. “Havin’ Easthies as a roommate would’ve been…challenging.”
Qifrey laughed a little too, which was Olruggio’s goal. “For me as well, I think.”
“Then let’s let that one lie,” Olruggio suggested. “It was something you seemed like you needed, then. But we’re here and together now. There’s nothing to feel guilty over.”
Qifrey nodded. “Thank you, Olruggio,” he said softly.
Olruggio moved forward to plant a solid, reassuring kiss on Qifrey’s forehead. Qifrey leaned further into it with a grateful sigh.
“I’m afraid we’re getting to the hard parts, now,” Qifrey said, and Olruggio’s shoulders shook as he chuckled.
“What we just talked about wasn’t the hard part?” he asked jokingly. Qifrey nudged him with his shoulder and kept going.
“Olruggio,” he said seriously. “Olly. I’m so terribly sorry I didn’t say “I love you too” when you first said it to me.”
“Oh,” was all Olruggio could respond with. The hard part indeed. “I know you couldn’t,” he added slowly.
“You know that now,” Qifrey said. “And you know why hearing that, which I desperately longed to hear, made me recoil in pain.”
Olruggio tightened his hold on Qifrey a little, seeking that physical reassurance that the man he loves, has loved for most of his life now, was still real and here and in this moment with him. He leaned his face down into Qifrey’s shoulder and muttered against his shirt, “you flinched.”
“I flinched,” Qifrey agrees, letting his head fall to the side until his cheek was resting on top of Olruggio’s hair. “I’m so, so sorry, Olly. I was trying to not have to take away your memories on the last night we would see each other for a while. I was trying not to say anything that would set us off on the familiar path of confession, sprouting, and memory wipe.”
“I understand why you did it, now,” Olruggio said. “It hurt, back then.”
“I can imagine,” Qifrey said and turned to plant a kiss on the top of Olruggio’s head.
“Stars, this is the hard part,” Olruggio said with a sigh. “I thought I’d ruined everything. That’s why I needed to come talk to you again the next morning, before you left.”
“I almost didn’t leave,” Qifrey admitted. “I almost threw the whole idea of going off on my own away so I could stay and try and repair what I’d broken the night before. But then you showed up at my door, clearly not having slept at all, and told me nothing’s changed, and that you trust me.” Qifrey kissed him again, speaking into his hair with a shaky voice. “I thought I was going to sprout again, there, in my doorway. I was almost starting to reach for my cap when you asked - when you said to go easy on you. That, more than anything, strengthened my resolve to go on this journey and find out how to have the life I want, to give you the life you deserve.” Qifrey reached for Olruggio’s face, again, guiding him up until they could see each other. They were both crying, now, quietly. Qifrey leaned in and kissed the tear slowly flowing down Olruggio’s cheek.
Olruggio smiled, despite himself, at this tenderness. Yes, thinking back on this is the hard part. But they’re here now. He’s here now. He kissed Qifrey on the lips, gentle and firm, pulling him closer. When he finally relaxed a little again, Qifrey remained in the position, still pushing himself into Olruggio’s arms as much as he could, eye closed, faces close.
“I love you, Olly. I always have, and it has been so unfair to you that I could not tell you for so long.” He kisses him again, quick this time. “I love you. I hope you can forgive me.”
“There’s nothing to-“ Olruggio started, because there wasn’t anything to apologize for. How could Olruggio forgive Qifrey for doing everything possible to protect them both, for years, carrying this burden alone because he had no other choice? There was nothing to forgive, both of them equally victims of fate’s cruel joke.
Qifrey shook his head. “Humor me, then. Please.”
“I forgive you for flinching,” Olruggio says finally. “And I love you.”
“Thank you, love,” Qifrey said and kisses him again, and Olruggio feels tension flow out of Qifrey’s shoulders with the kiss.
“Dare I ask what’s next?” Olruggio says cautiously.
Qifrey turns the page in his journal and wipes the tear tracks from his cheek. “I’m sorry for going off on my own and telling you that you can’t come with me,” he reads, a little distantly, still calming back down from the last apology.
Olruggio nods. “I would’ve followed you anywhere. I still will.”
“I know. I had to do it alone, there was no way I could try and find answers without having to explain myself to you and wipe your memory every night.”
“Makes sense,” Olruggio said. “Next, then.”
Qifrey hesitates. “I… I’m sorry that in my travels, in my weakness, I seriously considered ending my life.”
“You what?” Olruggio says quickly, a little too loudly, and Qifrey closes his eye and turns his face to the ceiling before responding.
“I knew you wouldn’t like hearing that.”
“You’re damn right I don’t! Qifrey, you never - why didn’t you tell me?” This was the first thing that Qifrey had said all night that was new to Olruggio. This was the first time they’d really talked about Qifrey’s mental state when he went off on his own at all, actually. Olruggio had tried to pry a little in letters, and when they occasionally saw each other briefly when their paths crossed, or on Silver Eve. But even after Qifrey came back, energized by plans to finally finish the Atelier and start to take on apprentices, he’d never engaged with a deeper conversation about his travels. And now, Olruggio supposed he knew why.
“I knew if I admitted to it in a letter, you would move heaven and earth to find me and bring me back.”
“Aye,” Olruggio said quickly. Qifrey smiled, gentle, his eye still closed and face still turned upwards.
“And I was already failing, failing at finding the brim caps, failing at finding answers, failing at every goal I had setting off like this. Now I was starting to fail at keeping my promise to you, fail at the pact we made as kids. I couldn’t face you knowing that.”
Olruggio leaned forward and kissed the top of Qifrey’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, love. I’m sorry you were in such a position that the thought even crossed your mind.”
Qifrey turned to look at him now, small gentle smile still present. “This is my time to apologize, Olly. Please wait your turn, or better yet, plan your own apology date. I’ve quite a few left to get through as it is.”
Olruggio chuckled, kissing Qifrey’s shoulder again before sitting up a little more.
“I’m sorry for deciding to live,” Qifrey said with his gentle smile, and Olruggio nearly smacked him in the back of the head.
“No, I refuse that one,” he said swiftly. Qifrey sighed a small chuckle.
“I thought you might, even though I doomed us both to many years of yearning.”
“Qifrey,” Olruggio said seriously. “You are not apologizing for living. I won’t have it.”
“Alright, alright,” Qifrey said, and Olruggio stood down again.
“I’m sorry for thinking about leaving you and never coming back,” Qifrey went on instead.
Olruggio frowned, quiet. “That one you can apologize for,” he said slowly.
“If I could’ve set you free of me, of this curse, I figured you could find true happiness and live your own life.”
“Once again tryin’ to make my life-altering decisions for me,” Olruggio muttered. “I wouldn’t have let ya just walk out of my life forever.”
“Turns out, neither would the Silverwood,” Qifrey said, and Olruggio blinked in confusion. “The moment I thought about you being able to have true, uncomplicated happiness, even if it meant I could never see you again, my roots started to grow.” Qifrey reached for Olruggio’s free hand and intertwined their fingers together, squeezing tightly. “The curse had wound itself around both of us so expertly, that trying to give you a chance of your own life and joy would mean betraying your trust and the promise we made.”
“Wouldn’t have worked anyway,” Olruggio said, squeezing back. “You’re my life and joy.”
Qifrey hummed a soft little smile at that before moving on. “I’m sorry that I had to keep us so entwined, that I had to keep you close even though it would continue to hurt us both.”
“I’m not,” Olruggio said. “I’m not acceptin’ an apology for you staying in my life. It’s what I would have wanted and chosen for myself, given the chance.”
“I didn’t give you the chance, that’s the crux of the issue. I couldn’t.” Olruggio opened his mouth to repeat himself, and Qifrey squeezed his hand again to pause him. “But I knew you would. That’s why it doomed us both.”
“Anywhere you are is where I wanna be,” Olruggio said finally. “Even doomed.”
“Even doomed,” Qifrey repeated and smiled, relieved.
Olruggio let Qifrey’s hand go so he could turn the page in the journal to the next topic. Then Qifrey returned the hand to its previous place, lacing their fingers together comfortably again.
“I’m sorry you never got to experience a true relationship with someone because of me.”
Olruggio shifted a little in his seat. “I, uh, I can’t accept that one.”
Qifrey sighed. “Olly, honestly, you can’t just reject all of my apologies-”
“No, I mean, I can’t accept that one because it isn’t true.”
Qifrey turns his head towards Olly and then cocks it ever so slightly to the side in puzzlement. “What do you mean?”
“I mean… stars, I never did get around to tellin’ ya about this, did I?” Olruggio took back his hand to scratch at the base of his neck, a self-conscious habit that he knew Qifrey was familiar with by now. It’s not that he had actively tried to keep this from Qifrey, it just felt like it never naturally came up. “I had a relationship, for a while.”
“A while?” Qifrey questioned, curious.
“Nearly a year. While you were off travelin’.”
“Huh,” Qifrey said, sitting back a little more into Olruggio’s arm. He stared straight ahead for a few seconds. “Why wouldn’t you have told me?”
“By the time you came back, there were so many other things to talk about, and it’d been months since it had ended, anyway,” Olruggio started, and eventually slowed as he realized he was just rattling off excuses. “I’m sorry. I should’ve.”
Qifrey settled back into his side a little, looking down at his notebook in his lap. “A year’s relationship,” he said thoughtfully. “Were you in love?”
Olruggio sighed heavily. This was part of why he’d avoided the subject, but Qifrey was owed answers. “A bit, I think. I mean, it was my first real relationship. My only, before now.” He felt Qifrey tense up a little, and he wrapped his arms around him even more. “I’m sorry, I bet that’s tough to hear.”
“Why did it end?”
“You,” Olruggio answered simply, and Qifrey turned to look at him, confused. “I saw ya again on Silver Eve, remember?”
“Of course,” Qifrey said, his eyebrows still furrowed together. “But I was still traveling then, I wasn’t ready to come back.”
“That didn’t matter, really. When I saw you again I realized I’d still trade everythin’ I had right now with Nanako to have even half of it with you.”
“Oh, Olly…”
Olruggio smiled at Qifrey, warm. “You’ve got me down bad, y’know. You always have.” He kissed Qifrey’s cheek. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”
Qifrey smiled at him then. “Why didn’t you tell me at Silver Eve you were seeing someone?”
“I didn’t mean to hide it. But I knew I was going to end it as soon as I saw him again, after seeing you. Didn’t seem to be a point to tell you about it.”
Qifrey nodded. “Have you seen him again, since?”
Olruggio shook his head. “He’s a traveling witch, so he set off and our paths haven’t crossed. I’m not avoidin’ him, but he might have been avoidin’ me.”
“Heartbreaker,” Qifrey accused, and kissed him gently. “Thank you for telling me.”
“Sorry to steal your apology thunder,” Olruggio said with a sheepish smile. “But this one was on me to apologize, fair and square.”
“I’ll allow it,” Qifrey said. “Just this once.” He relaxed a little more again, and so did Olruggio.
“What’s next in that notebook of yours anyway?” Olruggio nudged, and Qifrey laughed.
“Next, I apologize for choosing this life for you: the Atelier, the Watchful Eye, everything. I chose it all and assumed you would follow.”
Olruggio shook his head. “You built this Atelier, and this life, with me in mind. It’s been obvious since the start that you’re not choosing for me, you’re leading the way, and I wanted you to.” Olruggio gestured to their home. “How can I see all of this and not clearly see the love you have for me and for this place? Don’t apologize for building happiness into both our lives, Qifrey.”
“Alright, alright, I yield,” Qifrey said, holding up his hand in defeat.
Olruggio nodded, wrapping his hand around Qifrey’s waist again.
“This next one seems a bit silly after you said all of that,” Qifrey admitted.
“You could just skip it,” Olruggio offered, and Qifrey shook his head.
“I’d like to say it, even if I can clearly imagine what your response will be: I apologize for all the times I gave you cause to doubt our connection.”
Olruggio laughed. “Yeah, a little less impactful after I waxed poetic ‘bout how clearly you literally built this place for us both.”
“I suppose. Does this one have a leg to stand on?”
“’Fraid not. I felt loved, Qifrey. It kept me goin’.”
“Moving on, then, I suppose. I want to preface the next one by saying in no way do I want to take back or change what happened.”
“Ooookay,” Olruggio said slowly, one eyebrow raised.
“I’m sorry the only way I could think of that we could have sex required us to not talk during it, or about it.”
Olruggio chuckled under his breath. “Apologizing for happy memories, again?”
“Apologizing they’re not as happy as I wanted them to be,” Qifrey corrected. “I held onto that night dearly, until I got to touch and kiss you again.”
“Me too,” Olruggio said, nuzzling into Qifrey’s neck. “I didn’t understand why we couldn’t say anythin’, but I would’ve agreed to any condition to get to be with you, even just for a night and never again.” For months after Olruggio thought he had dreamt the whole thing, and the only confirmation he didn’t was the way Qifrey blushed around him for weeks. “I needed that, to hold onto.”
“I did too,” Qifrey said, leaning into Olruggio again. “It was cruel to give it to ourselves with so many restrictions, but it would’ve been even more cruel to not allow ourselves anything. And I didn’t want to have to take it from you. I’d taken so much by that point, I needed this to stay with you. I knew you needed to remember it.” He sighed. “Do you know, I heard you whispering my name in my dreams for years after that.”
“You can hear me whisper your name tonight, if you want,” Olruggio pointed out, and Qifrey playfully hit him in the shoulder with the back of his hand.
“I want,” he said firmly. “But we’ve still got a bit to go first.”
“Can we celebrate this sweet memory with the dessert, at least?”
“A lovely idea! I’ll go grab it, you stay here.” Qifrey extracted himself from Olruggio and the couch, a little clumsily. They’d entwined their limbs and clothes as much as possible, and for a moment Olruggio thought Qifrey would fall back into his seat, but then he regained his balance and took the handful of steps back over to the table to grab the two servings of dessert and the small spoons. He paused next to the table, looking at the floor. “This was the spot.”
“Oh, I know,” Olruggio affirms, as he has had a lot of thoughts about that spot of their floor, where he got to undress Qifrey both literally and figuratively. “It was very distracting for us to choose a spot so well-trafficked for that memory.”
“Yes, well,” Qifrey said, blushing a little, “I could not bring myself to wait one more second to have you, so relocating was out of the question.”
“I thought if I suggested it, you’d change your mind.”
“I feared the same,” Qifrey admitted, passing Olruggio his dessert. “And so here we stayed, until the sun rose.”
“I loved every part of that night,” Olruggio assured, “but I most loved getting to hold you, together, and having you curl into me.”
“It’s because you’re a romantic,” Qifrey said with love and adoration.
“You’re the one plannin’ the romantic dates,” Olruggio pointed out, taking a bite of his dessert. “But I don’t mind bein’ taken out and wined an’ dined, for the record.” Qifrey smirked at him before taking a spoonful of his own dessert happily.
“We ended up taking on Agott pretty soon after that night. I’d only just passed the fifth test.”
“You were so nervous. It was cute, and a little annoying in a lovable way,” Olruggio recalled.
“But then we settled into a routine, a comfortable normal, and I… I’m sorry, Olly, but I thought this was as good as it could ever get, and I decided for us both that it had to be good enough. I stopped looking for solutions, because I got complacent, I got as happy as I thought I could reasonably be. I didn’t want to chance losing that.”
Olruggio put down his spoon to reach over and rub his hand over Qifrey’s forearm gently. “If that’s all this could’ve ever been, it still would’ve been enough. I was happy, Qifrey, just being here with you and seeing the amazing witch you grew up to be.”
Qifrey looked down at the contact and smiled, and slowly it turned into a sly smirk. “And now?”
Olruggio smirked back. “Well, I’m quite a bit beyond happy, now,” he said and squeezed Qifrey’s arm. “You know that.” Qifrey nodded.
“I am as well,” he said, placing his hand over Olruggio’s.
“Qifrey,” Olruggio said gently, “I love you, but I need that hand to eat this amazin’ puddin’.” Qifrey laughed and let Olruggio’s hand go, going back to his own dish as well.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my eyesight starting to fail,” Qifrey read from the journal between bites.
“This one I accept,” Olruggio said simply. “You should’ve told me. I could’ve been workin’ on contraptions to help, even if I didn’t know everythin’ that was going on.”
Qifrey nodded. “You’re right. I couldn’t figure out how to tell you without it becoming a much bigger and more dangerous thing, but I should have tried harder. You’ve already helped so much to preserve what I still have.” Olruggio had gotten to work as soon as the Silverwood was removed, and through some additional work on Qifrey’s glasses lens, he’d been able to substantially slow the deterioration that started in earnest once the seed was gone. They hadn’t figured out if there was a way to reverse it, or an alternative that would allow Qifrey to keep teaching and casting like he was now.
But they’d also started to be proactive about adapting to what would eventually happen. Olruggio had started developing a more textured paper for the palm quire and a self-inking wand, to help Qifrey start to practice drawing new spells by feel alone. The girls had been excited to try it as well, and sometimes all five of them would work next to each other, practicing their individual tasks while Olruggio pretended to nap on the couch.
He was trying to find a way to restore it fully, or at the very least stop the effect of the silverwood completely, of course. And if one existed, he would. If anyone could find a way, it was him.
“Apology accepted,” Olruggio said with finality, and Qifrey smiled at him.
“I apologize for restarting the search for the brim caps without you,” Qifrey said, moving on to the next item. “I realized I needed to find the answers now, and I couldn’t pretend that we could keep going like this in perpetuity, as much as I wished it so.”
“I would’ve helped you,” Olruggio said, and as Qifrey opened his mouth, the two of them said in unison, “that’s exactly the problem.” Qifrey smiled at him, mildly annoyed. “Yes, yes, I know now. I still maintain you’re clever enough to be able to sort that out.”
“You put too much stock in my cleverness, old friend,” Qifrey said.
Olruggio scoffed. “You figured it out eventually, didn’t you? My stock is well placed, I wager.”
Qifrey gave him a slight eyeroll but didn’t argue further. “I did take some quite reckless actions in my search. I’m sorry for not being more careful when I came across a good lead to follow, like the twin bottles.”
“You said you nearly drowned,” Olruggio chastised, remembering when Qifrey had first shared the details of his hunt for the brim caps after taking in Coco.
“I was careless. I let my excitement cloud my judgement.”
“Well,” Olruggio said, “just don’t go puttin’ your life in danger again without me, and you’re forgiven.”
Qifrey smiled and leaned into him again. “Deal.”
Olruggio put his now empty dessert plate down on the floor next to the couch, taking Qifrey’s as well, and settling them back into their previous position, his arm around Qifrey’s shoulders, his other hand on Qifrey’s leg near his lap.
“I’m sorry I lost sight of what was truly important in the Serpentback Cave,” Qifrey said, staring straight ahead of him again. He’d never truly apologized for that moment, when Olruggio had to grab him roughly by his clothes even though he was hurt and yell at him to focus.
“You remembered,” he said gently.
“After you reminded me,” Qifrey pointed out, and Olruggio shrugged.
“I am your Watchful Eye, aren’t I?”
Qifrey turned to look at him, blinking slowly. “You’re my everything, Olly.”
Olruggio felt the fierce blush take over his face, and he nudged Qifrey to turn the journal page and move on, before his face caught on fire. Qifrey laughed gently and obliged.
“I’m sorry for telling Coco my secret but continuing to keep it from you,” Qifrey read.
“That sounds more like an apology owed to Coco. She was too young to carry that, she already had so much.”
“You’re right,” Qifrey said with a sigh. “I didn’t see a way around it, but you’re right. I’ve already had this talk with her.”
“Good.” Olruggio smirked at Qifrey. “What, no apology for bringin’ home an Outsider and makin’ her an apprentice while I was away on business?”
“I refuse to apologize for Coco,” Qifrey said simply.
“Good,” Olruggio repeated, satisfied.
“There was a moment when we were on the road after Silver Eve that stands out to me,” Qifrey started. “You were asleep, and I was still awake under the stars. I was stuck in thought about our younger days. Reminiscing about our adventures, and about the Librarian’s Trial.” Qifrey moved so that he held Olruggio’s hand in his firmly. “I desperately wanted to reach for you, emotionally, physically. I started to, and then I stopped myself, knowing it would just lead to another memory wipe. I’m sorry, Olly. I deprived us of so many moments of tender closeness.”
“You didn’t,” Olruggio corrected. “The parasite did.”
“Maybe if I had been stronger-“
“None of that, now,” Olruggio cut off. “I won’t have it. You did what you could and what you thought was best at the time. I trust that.” He squeezed Qifrey’s hand for reassurance.
“I tried to,” Qifrey agreed. “But… the last time I wiped your memory, I question if it was truly necessary. If I could have avoided it, spared you yet another theft.”
“You can’t see the future,” Olruggio reminded him. “You didn’t know how close you were, we were, to the solution.”
Qifrey looked like he was chewing on something, sighing heavily before speaking again. “I’m sorry I started reaching for the spell earlier and earlier.”
Olruggio nudged his shoulder with his nose. “You were goin’ easy on me,” he said. Qifrey startled a bit, looking over at him in surprise. Then he laughed.
“Of course you would see it that way,” he said warmly. “You’re far too kind.”
Olruggio leaned forward for another gentle kiss. Qifrey returned it, pressing further into it after a moment, pouring in appreciation and gratefulness that made Olruggio’s heart swell. “Are we done, now?” Olruggio asked, a little hopeful. He longed to just relax into each other, to be able to stop thinking and remembering so much, and just feel their connection physically.
“Almost,” Qifrey said, closing his journal. “Just one more left: I’m sorry for making you wait so long, my love.”
Olruggio moved to set the journal down on the floor next to the dessert plates, and wrapped his arms around Qifrey fully. Qifrey shifted closer to their usual position, his back now against Olruggio’s chest, allowing for Olruggio’s hand to rub across the expanse of Qifrey’s chest firmly, a comforting massaging motion that always made Qifrey settle even more. “I don’t regret our life,” Olruggio said slowly, and Qifrey turned to nuzzle the side of his head into Olruggio’s cheek. “If nothing had ever changed and all we did was continue as we had been, sharing this home, bringing in apprentices and seeing them grow, showing our love and care in all the ways we had for years and years… I would’ve been happy, still.”
Qifrey didn’t say anything, but his breathing was so even, controlled. Like he was trying to keep himself calm, keep from crying. Olruggio turned to kiss the top of his head.
“But also,” he went on, “this is even better.”
“It is,” Qifrey said, his voice thick with emotion. “It is everything I hoped for.”
“Me too, love.” He squeezed Qifrey tighter, closer. Qifrey settled even more, letting his full weight fall onto Olruggio, a reassuring feeling like Olruggio was being tethered to this moment, this memory, that was his and would remain his.
“I still want to - how did you put it? - Let you have your way with me?” Qifrey said with a soft smile, “but… could we stay here a little longer, first?”
“As long as you’d like,” Olruggio agreed eagerly. “As long as you’re in my arms.”