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I guess to you now, I’m just a face in the crowd (Oh God, kindly, please, would you kill me now?)
Peter dreaded his return to that empty apartment after he was discharged from the hospital, but he couldn’t bother Frank anymore. He had already done so much for him. He didn’t want Frank to feel guilty either.
He hesitated by the door. The last time he was in his apartment, he completely trashed the place. Things were broken all over the floors, and webs clung to every surface.
Peter ignored the mess as much as he could. He didn’t have the energy to clean it. He didn’t have the energy for anything. The extent of the cleaning he did was push the webs on his bed onto the floor so he could lay down and stare at the ceiling. He clutched his stomach. He wondered when DeWolff would let him be Spider-Man again.
If he should be Spider-Man again.
It was almost impressive how much he had fucked up over the past few days. How was he supposed to ever show his face to MJ again? Ned was fine. Peter told Ned that he was Spider-Man, and told him about the things no one else remembered. Ned was the same as before.
MJ confused Peter. She demanded to talk to him about her feelings, but then said she didn’t have any feelings to begin with. She didn’t love him, because she didn’t know him. Nobody knew him. Peter’s entire body ached when he thought about it. He did what he had to do when he made everyone forget him, and he had to deal with it.
He wasn’t very good at dealing with it.
He buried his face into his pillow and screamed. The pillow muffled the noise, of course, but the scream left his throat raw.
He was angry. Angry at himself for letting himself get tricked by Mysterio in the first place. Angry at himself for helping damage control by making those stupid inhibitors. Angry at his deformed arachnid body that was ruining him. He wanted to be normal again. But that was never really possible. He was angry at MJ, but he was even more angry at himself for being mad at MJ.
Some part of him wanted to prove himself. He wanted to prove that not only did he have these memories, but that these things actually happened. He wanted to stop feeling crazy.
He thought about finding Dr Strange and asking him to do another spell, but he wouldn’t remember him. Peter would have to explain everything to him, and then Dr Strange wouldn’t want to help him because of how careless and emotional he had been.
He wanted some sort of easy fix. To be able to press a button and give all of MJ’s old memories back to her. Prove that she had been in love with Peter.
Prove that he wasn’t crazy.
His phone buzzed next to him. His brain told him he had to get ready and put his suit on, but DeWolff had made him turn off his crime fighting notifications so he could rest.
It really just made him feel useless. The whole world was going on out there, and he couldn’t do anything.
The text was actually from Ned, asking if he wanted to hang out with him and MJ. Peter responded with a yes, and forced himself out of bed. Slow and labored, like it was his first time moving in years. His stomach hurt and his head was heavy. His vision was blurry for the first several steps out of his room.
He almost stopped in the bathroom to fix his hair, but he knew he looked so shitty he didn’t want to think about it. He left his empty apartment and emerged into the crowded city. DeWolff had also advised not to do any strenuous Spider-Man tricks, which he thought was stupid.
Now, he had to travel by bus in the horrible crowded city where his spider brain wanted to kill him. Dread swarmed him the second he stepped outside.
He imagined his suit informing him of his overloading senses as he turned a corner too quickly and almost got hit by a guy on a bike. He grumbled to himself and tried to take a deep breath, pretending that he still had the inhibitor. He shut his eyes briefly. It eased the pain of the bright sun and crowds. He needed something to block out at least one of the senses, so it didn’t feel like everything in the universe was happening all the time.
The bus came after a few minutes, he braced himself for crowds of people that might bump into him. If something too unexpected happened and he lost control of himself, he would never go out in public again. Luckily, the people on the bus weren’t horrible, there were a lot of them, obviously, but nothing was out of the ordinary.
He limped a couple blocks to Ned and MJ’s place. He kept his arms folded tight. He didn’t like the way the sun felt beaming down on his forehead. Or the way the pigeons scurried and fluttered along the sidewalk and cooed at each other.
He reached the apartment complex and took the elevator up. There was someone on the elevator, and she kept staring at him. He wasn’t sure if they somehow knew each other, even though no one knew him, or if he looked so shitty that she had to gawk.
Peter knocked softly on the door and took a step back. Chattering sounded from inside the apartment, and then footsteps bounded to the door.
“Hey, man!” Ned waved and then his hands fell into place in their handshake. and then stepped aside so Peter could get in. MJ was sitting on the couch. Peter stared at her for too long without moving.
He was looking for something. The way her eyes seemed to sparkle when he used to look at her. Back when she loved him.
He reminded himself that that wasn’t real. He erased that version of MJ and he could never be with her again.
He felt trapped. And sick. And hopeless.
“Hey, Peter…” She waved awkwardly. It snapped him out of it. He tore his eyes away from her and to the ground. He took off his shoes and set them next to the other pairs.
“Hey,” He mumbled, shuffling to the living room and taking a seat on the carpet. Ned sat in a chair next to him.
“Are you doing okay?” MJ asked.
He didn’t really know how he was doing. He didn’t know what he was doing at their house. Obviously, Ned had invited him, but was it out of pity, or were they going to do something fun? Was it going to be more of Peter wallowing in his loneliness and dreaming about how things used to be? He was stuck in a five year loop of isolation. He didn’t go and find MJ or Ned immediately and fill them in like he said he would. He tried, but he couldn’t get the right words out. They wouldn’t know though. They didn’t know the difference. That’s what hurt the most.
“Yeah,” He scoffed, “Why wouldn’t I be okay?”
It was MJ’s turn to stare for too long. “You got shot.”
“Yeah but I’m okay. It’s fine. I’m great,” Who did he think he was fooling?
“Okay…” She sighed.
Ned shifted uncomfortably in his chair, “Should I turn on a movie or something? Star Wars…?” He glanced at Peter and gave a small smile, like he was expecting him to jump for joy.
He shrugged, “Yeah. I guess,”
Ned turned on Empire Strikes Back. Peter tried to focus on the movie, but every few seconds, there would be a small noise that tore his eyes from the screen and pounded on his head like a hammer. He lowered his head and cupped his hands over his ears.
“What’s wrong?” Ned leapt out of his chair and crouched next to him. Peter couldn’t shake the feeling that Ned was more excited about Spider-Man freaking out in his apartment than he was concerned about his friend.
“Nothing!” He hissed, half shoving Ned away from him.
Ned got up and paused the movie so there would be less noise. He sat a bit further away this time. MJ slid down the couch onto the carpet.
“Sorry I’m ruining Star Wars…” Peter muttered, “I just feel so stressed and useless,”
“You’re not useless, you’re Spider-Man,” Ned tried to be reassuring, but it just proved Peter’s fears. Ned only cared about Spider-Man. In Peter’s memory, Ned knew Peter Parker before he knew Spider-Man, but to Ned, he had just found out who was behind the mask. He didn’t know him. Not really.
Peter rolled his eyes, “I’m not Spider-Man right now,” He kicked his legs out and folded his arms. “And I’m… trying to think of myself as an actual person, but it’s hard when no one remembers who that is.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t remember us being friends back then, but I remember all the things you told me that happened. And I do still care about you,” Ned said, he put his arm around Peter’s shoulders in an awkward hug.
MJ pursed her lips together. She was uncomfortable. Peter didn’t know what to do. He had tried to tell her about all the things that happened to them, but after a certain point when they got into an actual relationship, he felt bad. She had a boyfriend. Sometimes he would wake up at night thinking about how he kissed her when she wasn’t really her. And he would feel sick. He knew it wasn’t really his fault, but it felt like it was, to an extent. When was he going to stop falling for shit like that?
“I care about you too,” Peter said. It was too late of a response, he thought. He was caught in his head.
MJ took a deep breath, “I just wish… you would’ve told us before you spent all those years by yourself,”
He tried to tell her who he was that day in the coffee shop, but when she looked at him without any amount of recognition, just a stranger ordering a coffee, he couldn’t bring her into his messed up life. He would see that coffee shop almost every day, but never be able to muster up the courage to even walk in anymore. He turned to stalking them online, to see how happy they were without them, to see if it looked like anything was missing from their lives. They were fine. They were happy. He couldn’t ruin that. But he did.
“I couldn’t…” Peter found himself staring at her again.
She fidgeted with her necklace. He failed to hold in a gasp. It was a black dahlia necklace. The one he gave to her.
“What?” She asked.
“Your necklace. I-” Peter struggled to find the words. There was actual evidence that she had to know who he was. Somehow. Even if she didn’t realize it. Here was concrete proof that he wasn’t crazy. “I bought that for you. In Venice. Do you remember it? How do you think you got it?”
He didn’t mean to sound accusatory, but MJ must have taken it that way because she jerked her hand away from her necklace like it had burned her. Her face contorted into a scowl.
“I don’t remember that. I bought it for myself as a souvenir because I thought it was pretty. It broke because our field trip was crazy. And I remember Spider-Man being there, but he didn’t give me any necklaces,”
She spat out the word Spider-Man like she held some grudge against him for messing up her field trip. She thought of Peter and Spider-Man as different people like everyone else did. Like Peter was trying so hard to stop doing. He felt an all too familiar disconnect between his brain and his body.
“I bought it for you!”
“But you didn’t, though…”
He couldn’t stop himself. “Yes I did! I gave it to you after fighting the fake elementals that Mysterio made. That’s why it’s broken. And we kissed and-”
“Peter.” MJ cut him off, sounding exasperated.
He scooched further away from her, guilt swarming in his stomach, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“I believe that you remember buying it for me. But that isn’t true for me. I’m sorry. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Ned, play the movie again.”
Peter had almost forgotten Ned was there; everything but MJ was blurry. Ned hesitated, but resumed the movie. Peter tapped his foot and struggled to breathe.
“There has to be some memories of yours that don’t make sense. They have to be connected to me somehow. The spell couldn’t have been perfect,” He didn’t know what he was saying. Dr Strange was the greatest sorcerer in the world, and Peter hadn’t even changed the spell that time. But he was desperate.
“Drop it. You’re too obsessed with this. You made the choice to make everyone forget about you. That does suck and I’m sorry, but I don’t have memories of you before a couple weeks ago. You need to move on. I’m not the same person you have made up in your head,” She tried to say it calmly, but her voice was wavering.
Peter stood up abruptly and groaned. His hands were shaking. He ran his fingers through his hair and tugged.
“I’m not making things up! It was real and I did it to save you, but I was stupid and should’ve told you sooner so you could remember me,” He hated the things he was saying. He couldn’t stop saying them.
Ned had to pause the movie again. He was watching his friends with wide eyes, but he didn’t say anything.
“I’m not saying you’re making the situation up. I’m saying you don’t know me. You’re creating this version of me that knew you in high school. And getting mad when I’m not her. You chose to make me forget about you. You can be upset, but you can’t be mad at me,”
“I know you. You don’t know me,” Peter paced around, but it quickly turned into a stomp.
MJ didn’t continue arguing with him, “I think you should go home. I don’t want to think about this anymore.”
“Fine!” He stomped toward his shoes and struggled to put them on with how much his hands were shaking.
“And stop stomping. We have neighbors,” She turned away from him.
He rolled his eyes and shot a web towards their window. He pushed himself out of it, the contact against it made his stomach sting. He let the harsh wind hit him as he fell several floors, before catching himself and swinging down to the roof of a different building. He slid down a lamp post and landed in an alley between the apartment and the other building. He sank to the ground and rested his head on his knees.
It hit him that he had used his powers outside of his suit, when DeWolff had told him to limit any power usage or physical activity in the first place. He didn’t have the energy to care who saw him. He had already messed up everything else.
Oh please, I can’t be who you need me to be
MJ didn’t know what to do about any of this. Peter looked at her with the biggest, saddest eyes when she told him she bought the necklace for herself. And then he got angry at her. She wished he didn’t mention the fact that they kissed. She wished she misheard him. According to him, they were dating before the spell that erased everyone’s memory. He was still caught up in it. He still loved her. He wouldn’t move on.
MJ had been dating Paul for six months when Peter confessed his love to her. Which, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t that long, but Peter had been without MJ for years. He was just stewing in his feelings and not letting anything go. Not meeting anyone new or connecting with anyone for four years. And this was MJ’s fault somehow.
She wasn’t that angry at him, not really. She was just confused and scared. Peter knowing MJ when she didn’t really know him was like a breach of privacy. He was watching her every move and taking notes, checking if anything was out of place. And to him, it was. She wasn’t the MJ that he knew, because she never knew him. The person she could’ve become didn’t exist.
MJ was trapped in a double sided mirror. The universe was watching her. Peter was watching her. They knew these things that happened to her in a different timeline. She couldn’t see any of it. She was stuck. It was all fake. Her memories weren’t real.
Her brain hurt when she thought about it for too long. She found herself fidgeting with her necklace again, and feeling guilty. She almost wished he never showed up and ruined her fake perfect life.
Ned stood up, “We should go find him. He isn’t answering my texts.”
“Why?” MJ tilted her head, “So he can get mad that he erased our memories again?”
“No… because he’s sad?” Ned said awkwardly, “This situation is weird and complex and it sucks, but he erased our memories to protect us. He feels bad that he had to protect us in the first place. He said that he got caught up in the whole thing with Mysterio, who shared his identity, and then everyone got mad because Peter kind of killed him. But he was evil-”
“I know all of that, Ned,” MJ groaned and tilted her head up, “He still shouldn’t take his anger out on me. It wasn’t my fault.”
“He knows that. He was just upset. If he comes back and we watch Star Wars, he’ll feel better, I swear,” Ned preemptively started putting on his shoes.
MJ reluctantly left the couch, “Fine. Where do you think he is?”
Ned shrugged, opening the door for them, “Probably on top of some building.”
MJ almost went right back inside.
They looked for Peter throughout the apartment first, even though he jumped out the window, Ned insisted he did that to confuse them so they wouldn’t know where he was.
They didn’t find him inside anywhere.
They headed outside, deciding to check around the block and then turn back if they couldn’t find him.
Ned pointed to a bunch of webs on a lamp post, “He has to be around somewhere.”
They walked down a nearby alley and found him sitting against a dumpster and staring at the wall. Ned approached first and knelt down next to him.
“Hey, man,” he said.
MJ stood awkwardly but couldn’t bring herself to say anything.
I carved out a place in this world for two (but it’s empty without you)
Peter had been staring at the wall without blinking for so long that it went blurry and stars danced around his vision. His brain kept replaying all the horrible things he said. He wished he never tried to get back in their lives. He should’ve stayed alone.
Footsteps got too close to just be people walking past him, but the wall was keeping him in some sort of trance.
“Hey, man,” It was Ned.
Peter finally blinked and processed that there were people near him. Ned was kneeling down next to him.
“Hey? I thought you wanted me to leave?”
“We’re just making sure you’re okay,” Ned said softly. Peter glanced around to see MJ keeping her distance from him.
“I’ll be okay. I should go home and go to bed,” Peter tried to stand up, but his bullet wound pulsed with pain. He shouldn’t have jumped out of the window.
“Do you want to come back and watch Star Wars?” Ned asked, he got up and tried to ease Peter onto his feet.
“I thought-”
“You can come back,” MJ sighed, “I’m sorry I got mad at you. I’m just confused about all the memories that I don’t have. I wanted a memory that was completely mine, but it feels like they’ve all been messed with. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that when you were obviously already upset. It was mean.”
Peter limped out of the alley with the help of his friends, “Thank you. I can’t imagine how shitty it must feel to know you have memories that you can't remember. I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you for not remembering that I got that necklace for you. It’s not your fault.” He paused and let out a breath, “I was so hurt and lonely when no one remembered me that I couldn’t bring myself to reach out to anyone. It wasn’t healthy and I know that now, but it lasted for so long that it’s hard to break out of the habit.”
“I’m sorry you had to make such a big world changing decision at seventeen. It wasn’t fair. And I know you feel guilty bringing us into your life, and like things will never be the same, but I don’t think they have to be the same. We can make new memories even though the old ones are gone,” MJ put her hands on Peter’s shoulders and pulled him into a hug. Ned joined in and hugged both of them.
“I wish we went to high school in the same universe. I wish I could remember everything. Like really remember it,” Ned said, “But I am happy we’re together again. It’s so cool that I’m one of the only people that knows who Peter Parker is,”
He couldn’t help but smile. His friends cared about him. Not just Spider-Man. All of him.