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It’s been two months already and Dean simply can’t bring himself to forget about it. Sam is sleeping by his side, head against the window and Dean has nothing but his thoughts and a good portion of Rock and Roll. Usually, that’s what he needs to be okay: knowing Sam’s fine and hearing some Zeppelin.
Not this time.
That memory is still so vivid inside his mind, playing that day over and over, as if to mock Dean and his incredible stupidity. He couldn’t do anything. Damn, he didn’t even have time to do anything! One moment he was being hit by a gun and the other he was staring at that window and hearing the sounds of gunfire.
How could he actually kill Cas? After everything they had been into – and he knows they’d have been through a lot more until that moment – he still had it in him to do something like that? To the one person who always believed him? To the one person who gave his fucking life for him? Who rebelled, forgot about his home, family and believes because Dean told him it was all wrong.
Dean still can’t look at himself in the mirror the same way. What in the Hell could possibly break him so much that he would actually send Cas to die? Yeah, okay, Sam said the big ‘yes’ to the devil for God knows what reason and Sam is the only family he has left. Okay, he wasn’t there to protect him, but…Why kill Cas?
Couldn’t he have told him to stay at the camp? There were so many others who could’ve gone in his place. And Dean knows. He knows Cas knew what would be expecting him on the other side. Anyway, he entered. Cas entered that goddamn building and fought to death. Because Dean commanded him to do it.
That’s not fucking right. He has to do something about it, because, for God’s sake, he can’t allow himself to kill Cas. Anyone but Cas.
The blonde Winchester closes his hands tighter around the steering wheel and turns into the next exit he sees. There’s too much on his head to be driving right now and he has to talk to Cas. He can’t keep hunting like he hadn’t seen what he did.
Sam wakes up confused when Dean parks at a motel in whichever city they are. He looks around as a frown increases in the middle of his forehead. “Dean, where are we?”
Emerged in his own worries, Dean takes a minute to answer. “Good question,” he whispers under his breath and gets out of the car, slamming the door behind him.
Although his decision has been taken, he still wants to kick his own ass for ever even thinking about hurting Cas. “Huh, Dean?” Sam calls when he reaches his brother, who’s still booking them a room on the third floor.
“I have to talk to Cas,” Dean answers simply, his voice’s a little out of emotion and that realization scares him.
One hour passes by before Dean actually decides to call himself an angel. Sam’s out, gone to the library for research and won’t be back until dinner. It’s still one p.m. so Dean has plenty of time.
He licks his lips. It’s been a while since he’s last called Cas. Hell, it’s been a while since he’s last even seen the guy. After their encounter on that street, when Cas saved his sorry ass short seconds before Zachariah could kill him, Dean has actually avoided the angel. He was – is – too regretful to being able to look at his eyes again.
But now he’ll do it, because he has to. He has to save Cas and he has to save himself. Damn, he can be stupid sometimes. Taking a deep breath, Dean dials the number. “Hello?” comes the answer after only one ring.
Fuck, it’s good to hear his voice again. “Ahn, hey, Cas, it’s me. Do you have a minute? I’m at the Cherry Tree motel in Pontiac, Illinois.”
Usually, Dean would be more subtle or even make some point before going straight to the point, but here, at this very moment, he can’t wait a second more. “What is it, Dean?” Cas asks in front of him, still with the phone pressed against his ear.
Dean closes his own phone and tosses it into the bed. He wants to hug Cas, but that would be completely awkward, because Cas doesn’t know Dean wants to save him. “I need your help with something.”
Okay, so maybe he is a little afraid of saying ‘Hey, Cas, long time no see, can you take me to the future so you can talk to your future version while you bring my future version here so he can talk to you?’ I mean, who wouldn’t be? “Anything, Dean.”
Oh wow, if only Dean had time to make him elaborate that…Forbidden thoughts again, Dean. Yeah, another thing that’s happening is that since Dean saw Cas’s future version and that Love Guru story, he kind of started to wonder how it would be to actually touch Cas. Come on, Dean has never been a saint, why start now? “Do you know anything about 2014?” he asks carefully.
Cas tilts his head to the side in that such adorable way that makes Dean’s breath catch in his throat. “It’s a year, isn’t it?”
Thank God he doesn’t know. Dean tries not to look too comforted by that thought. “Yeah, yeah, it is,” the Winchester says and looks down before meeting Cas’s gaze once more. “Can you send me there?”
This time Cas looks more concerned than confused and his eyes narrow at Dean. “Why? Dean, are you trying to alter the future?”
Yes. That’s exactly what Dean’s trying to do. So he won’t kill Cas. So he won’t ever have to feel that strange feeling in his chest that makes him sick whenever he remembers the last time he looked at that Cas’s face. The ex-angel had his eyes on the building and Dean could see the worry behind all that drugged daze. The worry and the certainty of a lost battle.
“No,” Dean answers. “I just have to talk to someone. Please, Cas, just a few days before when Zachariah sent me. I won’t even take as long as the last time; I just need one day.”
The suspicion is nearly screaming in Cas’s eyes and Dean knows he knows he’s lying, but Cas nods anyway. “One day,” he consents and is about to touch Dean’s forehead, but the green-eyed hunter gives a step back.
He still hasn’t talked about the second part, so he ignores Cas’s growing confusion. “There’s another thing,” Dean says and Cas waits, his hand still close to the Winchester’s forehead. “I kind of would appreciate a lot if you could bring my future version here.”
Cas’s eyes widen and his hand falls as he shakes his head. “No, that won’t be possible. The future would change too much, I can only move one of you into the other’s timeline.”
And that small look tells Dean that yes, Cas knows what happens in 2014. Dean has to do it. He has to warn future Cas, and present Cas has to talk to Dean’s future version. Wow, that’s confusing as Hell.
With no warning, Dean steps closer to the angel and takes his wrists, closes his hands around them and stares at him, getting that same wide-eyed look always so Cas as an answer. “You know what I do to you there.” Cas takes a little too long to protest. “Help me fix it. I know you can do it, Cas, just get his smug ass here and try to talk to him.”
“If he’s not the one you’ll be talking to, then…”
The question dies in Cas’s mouth. Dean knows that he’s seeing the sadness in the blonde’s eyes and he also knows Cas will help him, only because of that small opening of his mouth and that tilt of his head, just a little more to the side than usual. “What do you want me to say to him?”
It’s a painful stab, Cas’s voice. It doesn’t sound powerful and hopeful like it always does. No, it sounds weak and hurt. “Remind him of you. There’s not much; just be yourself.”
Dean smiles a little, the same smile he gave Cas when he got back from 2014 and asked him not to change. “If I do that…What will happen then?” Cas is afraid. He’s afraid Dean’s future self will hurt him.
“I’ll get to sleep through the night, for one,” Dean starts and sighs before continuing. “I can’t let you die, Cas, and he’ll kill you, because he’s done it once. Don’t ask me to just sit here and watch my stupid self send you to certain death.”
Cas hesitates. He’s looking at Dean with thousands of questions and emotions swimming inside his eyes. It’s the first time Dean has seen it and he looks so helpless…Hopeless. And fuck, Dean just wants to lean in and kiss those doubts away, but right now he has a mission. He has to warn Cas and prepare him. And he’ll do it; even if he doesn’t survive through it.
“Think, Cas. If he’s not there, people will just assume I’m him. Things will be easier,” Dean tries again and this time Cas looks only a little more confident.
The angel nods very slowly in a movement barely even there and Dean lets his wrists go. Cas presses his fingers to Dean’s forehead and next thing he knows, it’s 2014.