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“How do you live like this?” I ask.
“Hm? Oh I’m just great like that,” Benny laughs, “but seriously, what do you mean?”
I think for a second, considering my phrasing carefully.
“How do you go through life without fighting back? I mean, I know you’re okay with getting a little beat up, but I also know for a fact it bothers you. How can you just be okay with that?” I say, more of a whisper.
Benny sighs. He looks so beautiful from where I am, my head resting on his thigh, us both on the warm wooden floor of my apartment.
“I’m not. I’m really not, but I can’t win when I play their game.” Benny says eventually.
I give him a moment to think, and as I know he would, he continues.
“I’m weak and I’ve always been weak. There’s nothing I can do physically and if I lash out mentally, everyone will just laugh at me. I gotta play my own game and get under their skin.” Benny says, nodding. “It’s a little like… you ever read The Power of One?” He looks down at me, his hands reflexively raising to run his fingers through my hair, just through the edges where they stick up at the front.
“Huh? No.” I laugh gently. It’s so weird that Benny loves books, but he’s constantly referencing them. I know he mostly read YA, but as a kid he read all sorts of classic or deep books. I don’t know why and I don’t ask, but clearly his parents liked to read. “Well it’s an older book, by this Australian author… Bryce… Courtney! That’s it,” He snaps his fingers and quickly moves on animatedly, “and it’s about a lot of stuff, but mostly about racism in South Africa. This kid, Peekay, he got bullied like sooo much since he started school. Lots of stuff happen but, his parents send him money and a train ticket to get him to their new home. He’s about 8 or 9 at this point, but the story follows him up until his twenties or something like that. Because he’s so young, a train worker has to take care of him.
"Ack, I’m getting distracted. Basically, this guy shows him that size, strength, all that stuff doesn’t matter. If you can outsmart your opponent, that’s all you need.” Benny tries not to ramble, but he’s already failed and I’m smiling and he knows that I love listening to him talk. He self consciously pulls his glasses out of his hair, clear lenses tonight, the ones with the sleek gold frames with chipped black paint, and he fidgets with the hinges.
“Hm? Sounds like bullshit to me. How does he do it?” I comment, reaching up and taking the glasses before he can chew on the hook bit again.
“Bullshit?! I’ll have you know it’s one of the best books I’ve ever read! I wouldn’t tell you about it if it weren’t good!” Benny feigns annoyance.
“It’s just that whole “brains over brawn” thing is so… unrealistic.” I roll my eyes, “Convince me it’s not cheesy bullshit.”
“Okay,” Benny snatches his glasses back with a smirk and starts twirling them, “so this guy’s a boxer. He has a match the night Peekay is staying with him and he gets Peekay to help him prepare. See he knows the other guy is barely in the weight class and would be fasting all day to make it and so he reasons that he doesn’t have to be strong enough to beat him, he just has to be quick enough to outlast him. So he gets the kid to give him water like every hour or something and when the time comes it works just like he said it would and Peekay realises that when bad people think they’re stronger, they think they’re invincible so they let underestimate ya and let their guard down. That’s why you gotta stop trying to size up and find a different way to win. That’s what I took away anyway.” Benny shrugs.
“Huh, okay. I could get behind that.” I smile up at him and he meets my eyes. His hands once again brush against me, trailing down my arm until the reach the bandage, which already showed a bit of red seeping through.
He doesn’t flinch away though. Benny leaned back against the wall. Though I thought the room was pretty warm, his arms are covered in goosebumps and the short hairs stand on end. He probably wants so get up but he probably also doesn’t want to disturb me. And he hums softly, whispering song lyrics as he looks up again at the dark ceiling. The only light is a nearby table lamp and the window, but the curtains are drawn.
“If you don’t swim, you’ll drown. If you don’t move, honey…” Benny sings, before he finally says what he’d thinking. “I’m cold. Like, really cold.”
“Yeah, you wanna move to the couch or—”
“Mhm, and then I want you to warm me up and we can fall asleep together.” He nods to himself as I sit up and we both move to the couch and Benny grabs my softest blanket.
“C’mere, darlin’, how’re you doin’?” Benny smirks, swishing the blanket over me and snuggling up against my chest.
I don’t know how he makes something like that so comforting. With anyone else that would totally freak me out.
“Good. It’s not the worst loss I’ve had.” I lightly touch the bandages around my thigh for any blood, but it feels dry so it’s probably okay for now.
“That’s good.” Benny murmurs, closing his eyes.
“Hey Benny?”
“Yeah?”
“What are we?”
I’ve been thinking about this for months now. I don’t love him. I know that, and I know he doesn’t love me, but friends don’t do this. Friends don’t comfort each other like this or show up in the middle of the night to help treat my wounds or sleep over so often and literally in the same bed and keep stuff at each other’s houses and… well… maybe they do?
We’ve been friends for one year, going on two. I know Benny doesn’t really like people romantically, or not often. He has a boyfriend right now and he tells me that’s a kind of love he isn’t used to. I know I’m not… well I don’t think I get love in the normal sense. I’ve talked to him about this since there’s this guy I think I like. This “friendship” isn’t “normal”, but I don’t wanna pull away.
“Hm… good question. I dunno.” Benny seems unfazed and looks up at me thoughtfully.
“Cause I… I really like being your friend and… and I don’t want anything more but we’re way closer than… well…” “Than what? We’re “supposed to be”? I get where you’re coming from, and I agree. I like spending time with you a lot. I like you in a not romantic, but just as intense way, like… friendship plus,” Benny pauses and laughs, “ha, I mean, you know how romance isn’t really my thing. I find people hot pretty easily though and it makes me wanna… wanna do things. With you, it’s not the same, but I just wanna hug you and… maybe kiss, but like, without the love. I mean, I care about you, but not in that way, but also I want to be that kinda close?” He laughs again and I smile a bit.
“Uh, yeah. I get that. I love being around you and I like they physical closeness. You’re basically the only person I never have a problem touching me. You just make me feel so… safe. In a way that no one else does.” I look away from him, pulling at the corner of the blanket, which has this cute shark print and a little tail on this edge, and fidget with it instead. I’m so scared of messing up right now, but I kind of always am. It always feels like I’m about to fall off some ledge, but at least with Benny, I have a safety net.
I sigh. Benny lets his head fall back to my chest, shifting his legs to be more on top of me.
“You’re so pretty.” He says without looking up. The comment makes all those loud, sharp thoughts fizzle out.
“Like, you’re just so great and I love ya. Platonically, but I do.” Benny says. I can feel his every word, he’s so close.
“Yeah, me too.” I reply. God, I’m going to cry again. Benny can probably hear it in my voice too. Ugh, I’m so much to be around. He’s probably going to get sick of me sooner or later... why do I always worry about that? Fuck I'm pathetic!
“Hey,” Benny raises his head, bright orange hair brushing against my face in the motion and those piercing green eyes, “you’re so cool dude. Legit.” He offers me a soft smile and I start crying for real.
“Thanks bro. You’re the best. I love you.” I laugh and cry at the same time and he laughs along with me. He’s blushing too and plays with my hair nervously.
“So hey, you know what I said earlier about kissing…” He says slowly after a second.
“Yeah?”
“Is that okay with you?” He mumbles and looks away but smiles even as he asks.
“Yes!” And I get to watch that spark in his eyes when he looks back to me and he slowly puts a hand on my cheek and…
Well. It’s nice. It’s not a deep kiss or anything, it’s just sweet and comfortable. And when he pulls away, Benny presses his forehead against mine and we both can’t stop laughing.