Archive of Our Own

“'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this Earth I could be
Thinkin' maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet”

“And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving”

♫

“What is this?” Jude says, staring at the letter before looking up at Sharpness. Tears fall down his cheeks and onto the yellowed paper as he raises his head to meet Sharp’s eyes, leaning heavily against the door of his house. Dark shadows sit beneath his eyes, and his breathing is heavy. “W–What?” Sharp whispers, eyeing the letter in Jude’s hands. “Where did you get that?” he asks, his face paling even further when Jude meets his eyes again.

He looks worse for wear. His hair is rumpled and messy, tied loosely into a bun, his eyes dull, deep, and sunken. His shirt hangs loosely on him, and Jude knows it was never supposed to be loose. It used to fit him tightly, in fact. It was one of those clothes Jude liked seeing on this stupid, dumb blond. He found it hot. He was envious that Sharp had that kind of body while Jude was stuck looking like a chud bastard.

But most of all… he looks sick.

He’s barely keeping himself on his feet, leaning against his door as he breathes heavily. His lips almost look pale—almost gray, if Jude focuses hard enough. “What’s this?” Jude folds the paper back up and raises it so Sharp can get a better look.

He had stolen it from Sharpness a few weeks ago. He’d seen Sharp working on it for a full week, watched him sitting in the art room, making coffee and coloring the paper to apparently make it look good. Then Jude found out he was writing a stupid letter.

Sharpness never writes letters.

In fact, Jude was pretty sure Sharp even hated accepting them from anyone, especially love letters from people who liked him in their class. His table was always filled with chocolates and letters every day, and it was high time he got sick and tired of having that kind of shit around him.

And, of course, Jude was just happy that Sharp never planned on accepting any of the letters that kept appearing on his table whenever he walked away from it. That meant he wasn’t interested in any of the girls or boys around him.

So when Jude found him writing some stupid letter, it was like the world came crashing down on him.

He became obsessed with getting his hands on that letter that seemed to take Sharp so long to write. I mean—how hard was it to write one stupid letter to someone you liked? It definitely shouldn’t take days to write.

But then again, Sharpness was just dumb as hell when it came to emotions, so naturally, it was going to take him forever to write a single paragraph telling someone he liked them.

Even then, Jude wanted to know who the hell it was for.

He’d bothered everyone—his own friends, Sharpness’ friends—asking who the letter was for, and none of them knew. All they knew was that it was a very important letter, and it could have been for Sharp’s parents, who were off somewhere in the Bahamas, always having fun and leaving their one and only child alone in such a big house.

Assholes. A bunch of them. Jude hated them, really.

But why would Sharp even need coffee to yellow the paper if it was just for his parents anyway? It wouldn’t matter to them. In fact, Sharp knew better than anyone that his parents definitely wouldn’t like holding a sticky, coffee-smelling piece of paper.

And just a week before Sharp stopped coming to school, Jude had finally managed to snag the letter.

He hadn’t read it right away, though. He’d been planning to tease Sharp with it the next day. It was supposed to be the ultimate blackmail after all. He’s not a jerk to read a personal letter, but he can definitely make Sharp tell him so he wouldn’t have to read something disgusting as a love letter from Sharp to someone else that isn’t for Jude.

But that was the day he started skipping school, and after that, for a whole week, he never attended school anymore. He didn’t reply to anyone’s messages, not even Jude, who Sharp always replied to so quickly, even if Jude just sent him a single period. Sharp would find a way to rage at him, and in the end, both of them would argue about the stupidest things over chat instead of studying for the quiz the next day.

That’s where he forgot about the letter, not until later, just as he was about to leave school. He found the letter again in one of his bag pockets, where he had hidden it temporarily just so he could blackmail Sharp into revealing who the letter was for as well as buying him lunch and recess for a whole month. And that was also the same moment he found out what was inside.

“This is for me, right?” Jude asks as Sharp meets his eyes again, trembling.

“Yes,” he whispers. “I wasn’t supposed to give it to you… I thought it was in my bag—I….” His voice trembles as he lowers his head.

Jude swallows. “Is it true, then? You’re sick?” he asks, thanking every god in the universe that his voice isn’t shaking. He can feel the lump at the back of his throat, the tingling sensation in his nose telling him he’s about to cry again.

How do you even react to the fact that the same boy you love also loves you? But in return, he’s sick?

Hanahaki disease is a rare disease, in fact, so rare that Jude never believed it was real at all. It’s just some stupid myth meant to scare people from having a crush on someone else because apparently, having a stupid crush is enough to kill you and have flowers grow inside your lungs and kill you most definitely.

“Y–Yeah,” Sharp whispers, looking up at him. “I’m sorry… I didn’t want you to know—you’d feel guilty, of course.” His voice is hoarse.

Jude winces. He doesn’t know how many times Sharp had been coughing because of it. He briefly remembers how Sharp started bringing two pairs of handkerchiefs around and had such a bad cough that he started wearing a face mask around everyone, just because Tai and Twirps had bullied him into wearing one or else the others would get sick.

How did Jude not notice? How did anyone not notice at all?

“If that’s all… I should probably go dwell in my misery now—” Sharp moves back, stumbling a bit, not before Jude grabs his wrist.

“Don’t… Don’t, please—Sharp, I—” Jude swallows, his voice weakening as Sharp looks back at him, eyes widening as Jude holds his wrist gently and moves closer. “Why didn’t you tell me or anyone at all? We could have been there for you, you know that.”

Sharp stares at him, then snorts softly under his breath. “I don’t think anyone would understand,” he whispers.

Jude squeezes his own eyes shut. “Don’t you want to ask me first about what I feel about this? Being the person who was the reason why you’re like this?” he asks, his voice trembling.

“It’s not like that, Jude… I don’t want you to think that. That’s why I didn’t want to give you the letter—” Sharp stops when Jude hugs him tightly. “Shut the fuck up. I can’t fucking believe you, Sharp. I can’t believe you’d rather die than get a surgery,” Jude says.

Sharp stands there for a moment, surprised and shocked, before slowly letting go of the door and falling onto Jude, hugging him tightly as his legs weaken.

Jude had no problem holding him up, burying his face into Sharpness’ neck as he felt tears staining his skin while Sharp held him. “I was scared… I’m so fucking sorry, Jude, for putting this on you. I’m so sorry,” he whispers.

For a moment, they just stood there before Jude leaned back. At that moment, Sharp coughed, wheezing as he bent over, his legs giving out as Jude yelped. “Sharp!” He catches him as Sharp bends over, coughing harshly as he gags. The smell of metal fills Jude’s nose as he quickly heaves Sharpness over his shoulder, helping him back inside his house and shutting the door so loudly that it slams. He has no time to lock it because he’s already dragging Sharpness to the bathroom, who is still gagging, unable to breathe as red petals leave his mouth, blood dripping down onto the white tiles.

Jude helps him onto the floor, pulling his hair back as Sharpness gags and spits a whole stem of thorns down the toilet. Blood stains the water like red paint dripping into it and mixing together.

“Oh my god—oh god,” Jude mutters, horrified as Sharp continues to gag. Wet clumps of petals, some still full flowers, leave his mouth, more blood staining the white porcelain.

Eventually, it stops, and Sharp shakily reaches for the toilet handle, missing it a few times before finally flushing. The blood washes away, though a few spots remain along the sides. Jude winces, feeling sick to his stomach. Sharp’s cheek is pressed against the rim of the toilet, his eyes shut, his breathing heavy as Jude runs a hand over Sharp’s back, his own breathing shaking.

“Jude?” Sharp whispers, whimpering as he opens his eyes. Jude helps him lean against him, his body weak.

“I’m here. I’m here,” Jude whispers.

“It hurts.” Sharp sobs. “I—It hurts so much. My throat…” He shakily reaches toward his neck, where Jude can see faint scratch marks. He can only assume they came from Sharpness trying to alleviate the pain by doing that.

“Can’t breathe,” Sharp whispers as Jude simply holds him, both of them sitting on the cold tiles that feel like they’re burning through his clothes with how cold they are. He can’t imagine what Sharpness is feeling right now…

How can he help Sharpness? How? How—?!

Wait…

Hanahaki disease has two ways to cure it. Jude remembers it faintly from reading a bunch of Reddit threads in the middle of the night. One is surgery. The doctor will pull the thorns and flowers from the patient’s lungs, but in turn, the patient will forget about the person they have feelings for.

The second… Mutual affection. The person they like should accept their feelings and bear the same emotions for the person with the disease. Then, the flowers and thorns will slowly but surely disappear on their own. Not as fast as the surgery and painless, but is mutually beneficial for the two groups.

Jude flinches. He has to tell Sharp about his feelings, then…

He glances at the crown of Sharpness’ head, seeing how he’s trembling, his skin pale and his hands shaking as he tries to hold himself together. Jude reaches over and offers his hand. Sharp doesn’t hesitate to hold it. His hands are cold, and Jude holds onto him tightly.

He has to confess his feelings for Sharpness… That thought sent a chill down his spine, making him swallow hard—what is he so nervous for? Sharp already holds the same regard as him… So why the hell is he scared ?

Is he really going to keep his own feelings for Sharpness a secret if this is what’s happening to him? Is he really going to let his own cowardice win over the fact that he will lose the boy he loves? Will he?

If so, what kind of monster is he?

How could he let this boy–his rival, his friend(?) die just because he’s a coward? No… He’s not a coward. He’s not and never will be ever again.

No, the others may think he is. Running away from fights, going as far as emotional manipulation and gaslighting just to get out of danger, but he’s never been a coward. If needed, he’d face a fight just to save someone he cares about.

And he cares about a lot of people… And most of all, Sharpness.

“Sharp—Sharp,” Jude whispers, shaking Sharpness a bit. He had fallen asleep. Jude tries to ignore the orange pill bottle sitting at the sink, four of them, full—waiting for Sharpness to take them, and the full bathtub beside it…

He won’t let Sharpness die. He won’t, he just can’t. He doesn’t think he can live in a world without him around to annoy him or call him stupid names.

“Wake up,” Jude says again, shaking him gently as Sharpness moans weakly.

“‘Hat happened?” he murmurs weakly, his eyes barely opening as Jude helps him sit up, just enough so they’re at head level. Sharpness immediately slumps over, but it doesn’t matter. Jude can easily hold him up.

“I know how to make it better, Sharpness. I know how,” he says again, his heart clenching as Sharpness seems to try to sit up properly.

Blood stains his lower lip and drips down to his chin, and Jude reaches over to wipe it away. “H-How…?” Sharp asks, weakly looking up at him as Jude continues wiping his lips, preparing himself for something he’s always wanted to do.

And there’s always been that question in the back of his mind. 

Are Sharp’s lips as soft to touch as they look?

“I never told you this… And I was scared—but I guess you’re used to that, huh? But… can I—kiss you?” Jude asks, gently taking Sharp’s chin and making him look at him.

Sharp’s eyes widen, and suddenly, some of the life seems to return to his green eyes as he stares back at Jude. “W-What?” he asks hoarsely.

Jude smiles shakily. “I like you too, Sharp. I really fucking like you. Like, an embarrassingly lot.” He swallows. “May I kiss you?” he asks again.

Sharp blinks, then nods. “Please.”

He sounds desperate, and Jude doesn’t need to be told twice. He leans over, the angle and posture making his back ache, but as long as Sharpness isn’t straining himself, he doesn’t care.

His lips meet Sharp’s dry ones. There’s no movement at first, almost like a peck, their lips simply touching as Sharp grips the front of Jude’s jacket tightly, his hands shaking. There’s no strength behind the grip anymore.

The same Sharpness who can easily carry him with one hand is now barely able to hold onto him. “I’m so sorry I made you do this,” Sharp whispers.

Jude opens his eyes, not even realizing he’d closed them. “What the fuck are you talking about?” he asks, leaning back slightly, though he stays close enough to feel Sharp’s shaky breaths against his face.

“This… I-I’m forcing you to like me.” Sharp looks at him, his eyes wet, his lashes damp with tears.

Jude just snorts, caressing Sharp’s cheek for a moment. “Don’t be fucking stupid. You aren’t that great to force me to like you. I just had the unlucky streak of unfortunately having a crush on you, same as you do with me.”

Sharp’s eyes widen again. His hand tightens around Jude’s jacket, tugging him closer. “Is that true?” he whispers, almost pathetically, his lower lip trembling.

Jude nods, swallowing hard. “Yeah. It’s true.” And then he’s finally pulled into another kiss. This time, Sharpness takes the lead.

Their lips move against each other, and Jude can taste the blood on Sharpness’s lips and in his mouth. Their tongues brush against each other almost shyly. He tastes something bitter, and Jude can only assume it’s the medicine Sharp has been taking to alleviate the pain.

Now he wonders if he had been too late. Would he have found Sharp in the bathtub?

The thought alone sends Jude breaking down. He suddenly starts sobbing as Sharp leans back, his eyes brighter now, and he looks a little less pale.

It must have worked. But the thought of Sharpness having to kill himself before the sickness could take him makes Jude sick. The orange pill sitting by the sink. The full bathtub. It makes him want to die. It makes him want to die, beacuse what if Sharpness had died? What then?

“Jude?” Sharp asks. “Am I that bad of a kisser?”

Jude refuses to answer, sobbing to himself as he places a palm over his face and lets out a small, shaky sob. He lowers it and looks at Sharpness, who seems shocked by the expression on his face.

“How could you even try to do this?” Jude asks, his voice breaking. “Why would you try to hide this? And killing yourself before it kills you?” 

Sharp startles, guilt flashing across his face as he looks away. “I’m sorry,” Sharp whispers.

“Sorry doesn’t fix the fact of what I can see in this room right now.” Jude says shakily as he eyes the orange pills and the tub. Sharp watches him and shakily lets out a breath. “You could have told me this before. I would have helped you,” Jude says, and Sharp meets his eyes.

“I was just scared… I didn’t want to worry anyone with my sickness. I wouldn’t want to force you to help me,” he admits weakly as Jude takes his hand, rubbing it to warm it up again. “I wouldn’t care,” Jude murmurs.

Sharp sniffs a bit at that.

“How do you feel? Did it work? I’m not fully sure if it’s an actual cure… I’ve only heard about it a few times. I don’t even know what’s real or what came from a romance book.” Jude bites his lower lip hard as he tries not to shake at that. He could rush Sharp to the hospital right now. Sharp wouldn’t be able to stop him. He could get him the surgery…

“Romance book, huh?” Sharp smirks at him weakly. Jude huffs at his face. “Is that what you’re thinking about right now? How do you feel?” He asks, placing a hand on Sharp’s chest.

Sharp winces a bit, as if he’s prepared for pain—before his eyes open again when he realizes there was none. “It doesn’t hurt anymore,” Sharp says.

Jude continues to touch his chest. “Are you sure?”

“I—Yeah. My chest was tender because of the thorns and the flowers… I couldn’t sleep on my side or on my front,” Sharp admits with a small frown as Jude lets out a small sigh. “I guess that means my feelings for you are… sadly real.” He says, pretending to look annoyed by it.

Sharp snickers a bit. “Unfortunately,” he comments. Then they turn quiet at that, just the both of them sitting on the tiles. It doesn’t feel so cold anymore. The letter is now crumpled in his pant pocket, and he doesn’t think he plans to reread that anytime soon…

“So what are we?” Sharp asks softly as Jude just holds his hand, rubbing his thumb gently over the back of Sharp’s hand. “Anything you want us to be,” he says. 

Sharp makes a face. “That doesn’t seem specific.”

Jude shrugs. “I’m just glad you’re okay, Sharp—you’ve been gone for a whole week. I was worried… And I was really scared. Right now, I still am, and my insides are still churning and trembling at the fact that I could have been too late to come here.”

Sharp falls quiet at that.

Then he moves towards Jude, who in turn easily catches him as Sharp curls onto his chest. Jude opens his legs apart to let Sharp lean his back against him. Laying on the bathroom floor seems like a bad idea, but it looks like Sharp’s nannies have been cleaning the house well anyway, so he supposes it would be fine to let Sharp rest here for now. Besides, he looks tired.

“Let’s take it slow,” Sharp says. “Yeah, that sounds much better—I think I got enough emotions for a single day.” Jude nods, and Sharp snorts at that.

“Me too.” His eyes flutter closed.

“Tired?” Jude asks.

“Yeah… My chest feels better… but I feel so tired.” Sharp hums, and Jude runs his hand through Sharp’s hair, scratching his scalp as Sharp moans softly at the touch.

“Rest. I’ll stay here. Then we can give you a bath since you got blood on your shirt, then rest, and tomorrow, I go with you to the doctor, okay?” Jude says.

Sharp opens his eyes. “Bossy.”

Jude studies Sharp’s face for a moment. “The flower, what was it? I couldn’t get a good look… It was red, I think, unless it was blood.”

Sharp’s face folds a bit as he avoids Jude’s eyes for a moment. “It’s red carnations,” he murmurs softly. Jude blinks. Should he pretend he knows what that means? He was expecting a rose or something, but red carnations? Isn’t there like… a lot of colors for that? 

He doesn’t know what the flower means at all. He doesn’t really care much about flowers at all. Nezo probably does, though. “Did you ask Nezo what it means?” Jude asks, tracing his fingers through Sharp’s hair, twirling a strand gently as Sharp closes his eyes again.

“Yeah… He says most couples like to buy those kinds of flowers because they usually mean that they really like their lover… It means deep affection and admiration…” He opens his eyes again, staring back at Jude. “Kind of like how I feel about you.”

Jude flushes a bit at that.

“That sounds beautiful… I just wish it didn’t have to almost kill you,” Jude says, and Sharp smiles weakly at that. “I’d rather die than take that surgery, you know. Forgetting you seems more like a brand-new pain and hell for me. If I hadn’t met you, I don’t think I’d have survived school and living alone with myself,” he admits, reaching over to press his palm over Jude’s, holding his hand tightly.

Jude’s face falls. “I’m not—” he starts, but Sharp cuts him off.

“You are… You’re more than who you think you are. We weren’t friends, but you did a lot for me. If you weren’t here, I’d probably be a shitty student,” he admits with a sad frown, and Jude just sighs.

“That’s stupid. You don’t need me for all of those things,” he says, and Sharp just sighs.

“No—I really do,” he insists.

Jude rolls his eyes at that, placing a palm over Sharp’s eyes to force him to close them again and finally rest. Sharp smiles a little, soft and tired, and Jude does the same.

Then Sharp goes quiet, his breathing slowly evening out.

“I love you too, if that matters,” Jude whispers, lowering his hand to see Sharp’s closed eyes. He carefully pushes a stray strand of hair away from his face. “I just wish it hadn’t been like this… I hate seeing you get hurt,” he murmurs softly before leaning over to press a kiss to Sharp’s forehead, giving him the kind of tenderness he deserves. With great care. With gentleness.

Unfortunately, Sharp still doesn’t wake up later, finally sleeping properly after probably weeks, if not months, of being unable to sleep properly. Jude has to bathe him while he’s half-asleep before helping him back to bed and lying beside him, finally getting to see Sharp’s room for the first time.

And it’s not what he expected.

Countless posters cover the walls. His desk is littered with textbooks and papers, and he has a ridiculous number of pencil holders, all filled with markers, pencils, and paintbrushes. There’s an empty easel sitting in the corner and a bookshelf packed full of fantasy books.

He even has a separate shelf for King Arthur books…

And he insisted he wasn’t a nerd and would never read anything besides textbooks.

Liar.

Jude snorts to himself as he turns his head to look at Sharpness’s relaxed face, his hair spread across the pillow. His hand is still holding Jude’s, so even if Jude wanted to leave, he’d have to wake Sharp first.

But hell, he’s leaving today. He already gave Shadow a heads-up that he isn’t going to be able to come back home.

He’s going to stay here, right by his side.

Preferably forever.

Jude looks at Sharp’s fluttering lashes and furrowed brows, leaning over and reaching out to smooth them with his free hand. He rubs his thumb gently over Sharp’s brow until it finally loosens. Jude lays his head back on the pillow, staring at Sharp’s face with a small smile.

He wishes it didn’t have to be like this just for the both of them to realize their feelings for each other… But he’s just glad he has Sharpness like this, safe and finally resting. He doesn’t think he’d be able to live with himself if he had been too late, knowing he could have stopped it all and saved him.

♫

“Maybe I'll get famous as the man who can't be moved
Maybe you won't mean to, but you'll see me on the news.”

“And you'll come running to the corner
'Cause you'll know it's just for you
I'm the man who can't be moved”