Archive of Our Own

The Governor’s Ball! 

Stray Kids would be performing at the Governor’s Ball! Isn’t that just exciting? Performing as a group of eight together for such a big event? Well… Seven actually. 

Seungmin and his stupid ankle fracture. No matter how much rest he gets, how many times he’s sat out, he’s still in pain; still not healing. And now he can’t go with the boys to New York to perform for one of the larger events the United States has to offer. 

And he’s totally fine about it- couldn’t care less, actually. Why would he? Travelling on a private plane to America, with his closest friends, in order to perform his life’s work, in front of thousands of STAYs, on a really big, super cool and never seen before stage. Who would care about that?

Okay so maybe he cares a little bit. A lot. He cares a lot. 

But can you really blame him when they’ve been preparing for months, and now he has to sit it out all because of some stupid injury? Not only does he have to sit and ponder what could’ve been if he had gone, he also has to watch as the boys scramble to figure out how to fix the performance without him. 

Maybe if they never included him in the first place, they wouldn’t be having this problem. 

No, that wasn’t fair to them. The boys loved him, enjoyed having him around, and he genuinely did provide things in the group. Seungmin was important. He wasn’t a burden and he knew that… To an extent. 

This is a conflict he has had within himself for a very long time. Something that no matter how hard he tries to ignore or rationalize it, will bother him time and time again. 

Yet he will still continue to try until it explodes in his face. Now is no different. At least that’s what he tells himself.  

See Seungmin had assumed something like this was going to happen the moment he first found out he might have a stress fracture. Something in his gut just… knew. 

Although it wasn’t really that hard to guess, what with his condition and all. He’s been like this for as long as he can remember, so it isn’t wrong of him to assume that this would happen eventually. Especially since ending up on limited physical activity is the best case scenario he could actually end up with.

Seungmin has always been frail. Not in the way most people use it, which is mixing it up with the word fragile. 

If there was one thing Kim Seungmin was not, it was fragile. 

He just… happened to be born with a condition that made him weaker than most. His bones had lower density, Osteopenia they called it, which meant they were more susceptible to damage. 

Fractures, broken bones, severe sprains. You name it, Seungmin has had it. Even stepping off the curb slightly wrong could cause him some sort of injury. Which one, he couldn’t even predict with how random his injuries have been.  

Most of his childhood was spent in casts or splints because of it, making sure his bones healed the way they were supposed to. Eventually, his mother stopped bothering with giving him lectures of safety, knowing full well that a young boy like Seungmin wouldn’t listen. 

He wanted to have fun, was that such a crime? All his friends were out climbing trees and jumping off swingsets, running around without a care in the world, doing whatever dangerous task found its way in their brain that day. Seungmin just wanted to be like every other kid his age, he couldn’t help that he was different.  

It was with the daunting passage of time that Seungmin would realize in order to be comfortable, or even normal, he would need to learn to quit being so reckless. For the longest time he associated this understanding with maturing as he grew; that he had outgrown his careless nature youth had provided him. 

However, truly he knew that it was something deeper than that. Something so much deeper that not only could no one else see it, they couldn’t explain it away even if they had seen it.

Seungmin’s childhood friends weren’t always the best people to be around. It took Seungmin a really long time for him to be able to understand and admit that, but once he did, he couldn’t forget it. 

Their constant snickering about his lack of social understanding, convincing him to do things he shouldn’t do, the repetitive jokes about him not being normal.

They were your typical grade A bully,  picking on the lonely kid who didn’t understand social norms and genuinely believed that they were friends. Seungmin truly had no idea they weren’t being normal friends to him.

Anytime Seungmin’s mom was around, they’d all act nothing but kind and then they’d make those jokes about him behind her back. At first he didn’t even realize they were cruel jokes.

Somewhere along the line, Seungmin ended up convinced that they were just telling the truth about him. They were right. He wasn’t normal, and he knew that. They were just… pointing that out.

It always confused him just why exactly they pointed out this truth, but they were always laughing so he thought it was okay. He figured that if they were laughing, then it must be funny he wasn’t normal and that he wanted them happy. Because that’s what friends do right? Make each other happy? 

That’s what he thought at least. However, just as he realized he couldn’t be as reckless, he discovered that his friends weren’t being as kind or literal as he had previously thought. 

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

It was the middle of summer when it happened. 

Seungmin was roughly 15, just finishing his first year of high school. Summer break had started, and his friends were eager to go out and do crazy things as always. Their personal favorite was to break into places they were not supposed to. His mother’s personal favorite was their habit of riding bikes without helmets. This is because it was the safest thing they would do. 

He wasn’t really eager to do any of those things himself, always being apprehensive when they dared him to do something crazy, knowing very well of his condition. But he longed to belong and to have fun, so really could you blame him? 

They didn’t always invite Seungmin to tag along, him often having to reach out himself or even worse, their parents creating the hangouts themselves. Which really should’ve been his first clue that their friendship wasn’t a good one. But to teenage Seungmin, this was the normal way of being friends. 

Seungmin had overheard his friend group talking about their next grand adventure one day. The last time he went over to their house, when he was invited over by their parents. 

His friends were talking about breaking into their campus, to try and vandalize the school. They didn’t word it like that at the time, they were kids, but that’s what they were planning to do. 

One of the boys mentioned breaking into the theater specifically, how excited they were to try and break the spotlights off because of how much damage it could do. 

Seungmin just sat there politely, zoning out if he remembered correctly, because this was something he was not interested in doing at all. He didn’t like being reckless often anymore anyway, but trespassing and vandalism? No thanks. 

And yet, for some odd reason, his silence on this specific day drew the attention of the others. 

“Seungmin-ah! Why so quiet?” They had asked, a weird lilt to their voice. “You don’t want to come with us? It’ll be fun,” they drawled, acting as if that would convince him anymore. 

“I don’t know, that doesn’t really sound like fun to me.” He responded bluntly, not quite understanding what about breaking and entering seemed like fun. 

“Oh come on Seungminnie,” another started. “Loosen up a little, it’ll be so much fun.” They pleaded, the group snickering around them.

Seungmin paid no mind to their snickers, as this was a common occurrence. If he had, he might’ve realized they were actually laughing at him and not with him. 

Reluctantly he agreed to go with them, their peer pressure being something he had never quite been able to avoid. Which was weird, because anyone else and he could stand his ground, but his friends? He’d commit murder for them if they asked. 

So with that, here Seungmin found himself, standing in front of the locked school gates, waiting to break in. He hadn’t told his mother exactly what they were doing because he knew she wouldn’t let him go, nor would she let his friends, which would make them mad at him forever and he’d never hear the end of it. 

But he did tell her that they were meeting up at their school. Just in case. He couldn’t tell her nothing, otherwise she’d panic and once again, not let him go. As it was he had to plead with her in order to stay out so late. 

When he looked up he made eye contact with the school’s logo, the bright colors standing out amongst the grey design of the building. The surrounding windows reflected the blinding light of the setting sun, making them almost impossible to look at. 

 Seungmin hadn’t brought anything with him other than his Samsung Freeform, which was the cause of many jokes from his friends, since he didn’t see the need in bringing anything else. 

Whenever he looked at his friends however, he noticed they had everything you could think of. They each had their own bag of various different items, some of which Seungmin had no idea how they got away with taking. 

One of his friends had a bag filled with enough eggs to make several dozen cakes, another had enough toilet paper to last his family months, while the last had tools a mechanic turned gardener would have in his garage. 

Each of them had their own set amount of spray paint cans, a different color for each specific person. When Seungmin asked why they had so much, they claimed that this was everything they needed to have a good time.  

Seungmin still didn’t quite understand what about this would be a good time, but he wasn’t going to back out now, lest he be made fun of for being a wimp.

And so he stood back while the others talked amongst themselves about what exactly they were going to do. What parts of the school they were going to visit, and how they were going to get in. They had mentioned something about a plan but he had no idea what that was referring to. 

Instead of focusing on that, Seungmin watched as his friend with the mechanic’s gardening tools walked up to the gate, a set of bolt cutters in hand. Reaching the gate, his friend fiddled with the lock and bolt cutters, readjusting to find the right position as if he’d never done this before. 

Once they found the right position, the bolt cutters were pushed together with a resounding clink, which was followed by the thud of the lock hitting the ground. Putting the tools back in his bag the boy had turned back around to his friends with a grin like no other. 

After the lock was broken, they all filed in one after the other behind the gate. Seungmin was still a bit surprised at the fact they broke into their school, but really it was only a matter of time before they ended up here since his friends loved to break rules. 

Seungmin himself really didn’t like to do things like this. Some part of him was always uneasy at the aspect of getting caught. The fear of his mother scolding him for breaking rules sat strong on his chest. Yet as his friends set into motion, he followed suit like the loyal dog they had made him out to be. 

Walking down the halls the boys casually threw eggs at the different lockers they passed, each boy besides Seungmin, being given a couple dozen eggs. Some of them even started spray painting different offensive words on different trophy cases along the walls. 

Then, once they were satisfied with the chaos they had left on the lockers they decided it was time to start focusing on the individual rooms throughout the building. By the time they started to trash each individual room, the sun was completely set, the boys having to use flashlights to see. Seungmin didn’t bring his own flashlight, so he was stuck squinting and standing behind one of the boys who did. 

Their science lab was filled with glass shards since they started throwing test tubes like they were frisbees. Going into the art room looked like a confetti bomb went off due to the different colors of paint thrown against the walls like they were the canvas. Papers and music stands were strewn around the band room, as if the band was in a rush to leave.

 No matter what the room had in it they made sure to give each one a dozen eggs and a tagline Seungmin didn’t really care to look at. Plus he could hardly see as is, he wasn’t going to squint at every wall to see what stupid thing his friends had painted on it. Eventually Seungmin stopped paying attention entirely, the others letting him follow behind like a lost puppy since they had no real need for him to participate yet. No eggs were handed his way, he had no spray paint can, no toilet paper to throw nothing. Just Seungmin, with his wandering legs that took him to and from. Unbeknownst to Seungmin, they had ulterior motives for him and until they were in play, they couldn’t care less what he did as long as he stayed nearby.

Over time Seungmin started to feel uneasy. Some sense of nostalgia filled him, as if he had been attending this school for years and was about to leave. Then that uneasy feeling was drowned out by the unrelenting need to leave, because something… was about to happen. He just didn’t understand exactly what. 

It wasn’t until they reached the school's theater that they finally ended up addressing him. 

“Seungmin, it’s your turn to do something.” One of them had said, the others once again snickering around them. 

“What?” He questioned, confused as to why suddenly he was supposed to participate. They were fine with him standing aside for now, never really telling him he had to do anything. So why now? 

“Yeah, Seungmin-ah. You can’t just sit around and do nothing, that’s boring.” Another added on, nudging Seungmin’s shoulder as they spoke. 

“Plus we saved the best for last,” the last one said, poorly hiding the smirk in his voice. 

For the first time in his life Seungmin felt genuine fear. Every moment up until now could never have prepared him for what was about to happen. He thought he had been scared before, but something about the way his friends spoke this time sent all of the alarms ringing in his head. 

“What exactly would that be?” He questioned, trying but failing to hide the quiver in his voice. 

“The final show Seungmin-ah!” His friends shouted, as if that explained anything. 

It didn’t, if anything, it made Seungmin panic more. He was confused why he felt so… panicked, but he was and he really just wanted to go home. Maybe he should go home. 

“I don’t know what that means…” Seungmin responded with a waver, causing the others to laugh harder at him. 

Something in Seungmin’s gut screamed at him that this was different, that this wasn’t normal. It was almost as if he had all the pieces to a puzzle and the last piece was in his hand but he couldn’t figure out where exactly to put it. 

“Oh Seungminnie,” his friend tutted with pity, as if he was a child who didn’t understand a new word. This only caused Seungmin to feel more unease, but before he could say anything his friend spoke up again. “You’re going to break the stage lights.”

His whole world stopped right then and there. Were they insane? The stage lights? Up at the ceiling? The ones that they only let the adults climb the truss up to? Because it was dangerous? They wanted him, clumsy and frail Seungmin… to climb up there?

“I’m sorry… I’m going to what now?” He asked in disbelief, hoping that maybe they were just messing with him. 

“You heard him Seungmin-ah,” another friend answered, the same one who nudged him earlier, who now has his arm wrapped around his shoulders entirely. “You’re going to climb up there, and mess with the stage lights!” 

His friends were giggling around him, as if this was a funny occasion. It wasn’t, not to Seungmin at least. To him it sounded like something of a horrible coming of age movie, or a stupid fiction story to give a character trauma or something. 

“I don’t know guys… I don’t think I should do that…” Seungmin defended, trying to leave his friend's grasp which suddenly got tighter around him. “Really… I think maybe I should go home… my mom is probably worried sick right now.” 

All of his friends kept laughing like he was telling the funniest joke ever. Really… he doesn’t think they’ve ever laughed this hard at him before. Like. Ever. 

The one who had him in a loose chokehold directed, more like shoved, Seungmin towards the truss, a word only he knew since he was in drama himself this year, while his other friends muddled about to throw eggs and such around the theater. 

After a couple of minutes, they deemed the damage good enough and joined the other two at the foot of the stage lights. The whole time they were doing that, Seungmin was quietly pleading with his friend to let him go, to just let him leave. 

“Seungminnie, come on now it’ll be fun!” He kept saying, empty promises about how this would be a life changing experience. That part is the only thing that stuck out to Seungmin. For some reason, it felt like the most accurate thing he had said all night. 

“Seungmin-ah, you aren’t going to back out now are you?” His other friend asked, the taunting heavy in his tone. 

“Don’t you want to be cool? Have fun like the rest of us?” The other boy added, walking to stand on Seungmin’s other side as if crowding him in towards the place they wanted him most. 

“You wouldn't want to be a loser would you?” They asked, the question Seungmin had been trying to avoid the entire night. But for the first time since knowing these guys, he wanted to say yes. 

“I don’t really know guys… I don’t think I can do this, can’t I just throw some eggs or something like you guys?” Seungmin pleaded, hoping to reason with the unreasonable boys surrounding him. 

“We ran out,” he said simply, leaving no room or need for further discussion. 

Seungmin still argued further anyways. He was stubborn after all. 

“Please guys, I'm being serious here. I’ll do literally anything else you want, just not this.” He begged desperately, the fear in his voice evident now, his panic only growing sharper.  

“Come on Seungmin. Grow up.” The boy to his left sneered, letting go of his shoulder for the first time in minutes. “God you’re such a baby.” 

“Yeah, you’re such a pain. Why would you even show up if you weren’t going to do anything? To burden us with your presence?” Another sneered, the others muttering agreements.

This wouldn’t be the first time they called him names, not even the first time they’ve pressured him to do something. But they never called him inconvenient or burdensome. Is that what they really thought of him? 

“No… that’s not—You guys wanted me to come…” Seungmin said meekly, not understanding where this hostility was coming from. 

“We invited you so you would actually do something, not just follow us around.” They spat, the venom in their words sharper than the adrenaline in Seungmin’s veins. 

“I didn’t know what you guys wanted me to do, you didn’t tell me anything! Not what to bring, not to grab something to throw, nothing!” Seungmin shouted, desperation lacing his words now. “If you gave me something to do I would have done it!” He added, knowing very well that most of the things they tell him to do, he tried to get out of. Like climbing the truss in front of him. 

“Don’t lie to us Seungmin. You always do this, you never want to do anything we tell you to do. We have to beg you to do anything. It’s so annoying.” One of his other friends added, rolling his eyes as he spoke. 

Now he’s… annoying? What are they saying? Have they thought this about him the entire time? Has their relationship been a lie? 

“No I’m sorry, you’re right.” He says quickly, trying to derail the hate coming his way. “I’ll do it, I’ll do it. It’ll be fun! I was just joking!” He laughed nervously, trying to convince his friends that he was being serious about making a joke. 

“That’s the spirit Seungmin-ah, go on start climbing,” they said with a hint of something in their voice, but Seungmin didn’t care because at least they seemed to believe him. 

Shakily Seungmin stumbled closer to the truss, wiping the sweat off of his hands onto his pants. He looked up at the silver in front of him, then back at his friends who were showing various forms of encouragement, one smirking, the other smiling almost kindly, and the other raising their eyebrow as if to say go on. 

Looking back at the ladder of  metal in front of him, Seungmin started his climb. With one foot on the metal bar and the opposing hand grabbing the bar above his head, he started a pattern that led him farther up. Trembling limbs slowly brought him farther and farther, almost at a snail's pace. 

About a quarter of the way up Seungmin started to feel a bit better about his climb. He wasn’t falling off, he hadn’t slipped or anything! He looked down and felt a sense of confidence rush through him. Maybe this was fun! He could do this!

With a newfound confidence, he started to climb faster. Taking less time between each step up, he started taking height in record time. In less than five minutes he had already made it up half way!

“Look at you go Seungminnie!” One of his friends shouted up at him, a chorus of snickers sounding afterwards. 

Seungmin didn’t even bother with listening to them laugh, feeling this sense of pride at being able to do this. With a couple more steps upward, he decided to chance a look down. 

That was one of the stupidest things he could’ve done. Don’t they tell you not to look down when really high up or something?

Suddenly all the courage he had was gone once more, his limbs shaking even more now almost as if they were playing a tune with a tambourine. 

The sweat from earlier started back up tenfold, his hands suddenly drenched in it. Taking one hand off the truss, he wiped it on his pants once more. Going to do the same on the other side, he reaches for the metal bar only before he does, his other hand slips. 

Most movies or stories describe a fall like this to have a moment of clarity, that someone sees their life flash before their eyes. Seungmin wishes this was the case for him. Instead, he fell through the air quicker than he had climbed up, almost hitting the ground instantly with a loud smack.

The wind was knocked out of him so hard he couldn’t even open his eyes with how he hit the ground. His arm was bent in a way he knows it shouldn’t be, his legs both feel like the ramen noodles his mom makes him. To his surprise nothing hurt, he just couldn’t breathe. 

Amidst the fog that was this weird in between he found himself in, half conscious, half not, he heard a weird noise in the background. It sounded… Almost like… Someone was laughing?

“Dude, stop laughing!” They said, their voice hiding a mirth of its own. “That’s so mean you can’t laugh at that! He’s passed out!” 

“Oh come on! Look at him! He’s so pathetic! How can you not laugh?” The one laughing hysterically said, stopping every now and then to gasp for air. “Plus you don’t even like him, what does it matter?”  

Did he hear that correctly? They don’t even like him? That can’t be true, he just fell from a decent height, the ringing in his ears prominent. He probably misheard them that’s all. 

Ignoring the festering worries bubbling in his chest, Seungmin tried to sit up, to speak, to do something to indicate he was awake. To let the others know he could hear them, that he needed help getting up and he should be fine. The adrenaline clogging his ability to realize that a fall like that would not leave anyone fine afterwards. 

“For your information, none of us like him, we just pretended we did because our parents made us.” The second boy spoke, still fighting laughter as he did. “Heaven forbid I still pretend to do so.” 

“Yeah, yeah whatever. Come on, let's go, it’s getting late.” The first boy said, his voice fading as he walked away from Seungmin’s limp body. 

Okay… There’s no way he misheard them that time, but that’s… a problem for later. Did they seriously plan on leaving him here like this? Surely not, right? That… that would be cruel wouldn’t it? Nobody would leave an injured person behind like that. 

“Wait, are you guys serious? We can’t just leave him here!” A third voice spoke up, seemingly distraught at the situation in front of him. 

See! One of them has common sense after all! He knew that they weren’t all bad, that surely one of them would stand up for him. Maybe this was just some misunderstanding. These were his friends, maybe they were just scared is all. Adrenaline does crazy things to the mind sometimes. 

“Really man?” The second voice said, from across the room Seungmin assumes, since his voice is also farther away. “He’s fine. He’ll have a couple bruises at most. Maybe a concussion. You know he’s faking. No one’s that fragile. ” He stated, once again leaving no room for argument. 

If Seungmin could sigh, he would. There was that stupid word again. Fragile. He had hoped that his friends didn’t see him that way, but that didn’t seem to be the only thing he was wrong about. 

Seungmin heard shuffling, and a door thud shut. Then silence. For a second, he thought they had left him there. Then the third boy spoke up once more, 

“Yeah, I don’t like the guy. He’s annoying as hell and I wish he didn’t follow us everywhere, but we don’t have to be asses about it.” He said, seemingly to no one in particular since they assumed Seungmin had fainted. 

Well… That didn’t feel very good, but at least he was still being kind. Sort of… Does doing the basic act of human decency count as kindness? Seungmin is unsure. 

“Yo dude, are you coming or what?” A voice shouted, one of the boys reappearing in through the door to shout at the third boy. 

With a deep sigh and a whispered, “I’m sorry Seungmin,” the third boy stood up and started walking towards the door. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m coming!” He shouted back, with the door thudding behind him once more. 

I guess it didn’t.

Tears formed in Seungmin's closed eyes, the only way he noticed being the increasing difficulty in breathing, his nose clogging up the more time went on. Even though he still couldn’t feel any pain in his limbs, his chest ached in a way it never had before.

If he hadn’t known he was too young and healthy for one, he’d assume he was having a heart attack. The pain ran rampant in his chest, his heart beating against his ribcage like the thoughts bouncing around his skull. 

Did they really hate him? They said they did, but could they really have kept up a lie like that for so long? How much of what they said to him was actually genuine? What did he even do wrong?

Before he could rationalize or ponder any more, he suddenly felt a sense of dizziness and then he lost consciousness. 

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

The rest of that night is a memory that comes to Seungmin in bits and pieces. He remembers waking up in an ambulance, his mother sobbing while holding his hand. Begging him to be okay, asking what happened. 

He remembers wondering how she found him, later finding out he was there until the next morning and that she went searching for him when he never answered her texts. She started at the school and saw the broken lock, then ran frantically through each room until she got to the theater.

The paramedics had given him medicine at this point, because he still couldn’t feel anything, not even the weird ache he felt before he passed out. Ironically, he then remembers passing out once more, and waking up in the hospital. 

This time was not as painless as the other two times he gained consciousness, in fact it was hell from what he remembers. His arm was dislocated, and both of his legs were broken from his femurs all the way down to his toes. How he broke his toes he doesn’t know, blame it on his bone condition. 

Seungmin was wheelchair bound for almost five months due to the state of his injuries. Unfortunately, since his arm was also damaged, he was unable to use crutches until it healed. He had torn a ligament with his dislocation, causing the healing process to take a lot longer than if the injury were minor. 

He shudders at the memory of having people wheel him around everywhere, feeling inconvenient to everyone who had to help. There were plenty of times he tried to get around himself, his wheelchair just spinning in circles because of the use of one arm. 

Once his arm was out of the sling, he was able to wheel himself around a lot more, but his mother was insistent on letting her help him. He tried to refuse, really he did, but she would not let up. It was sweet, but annoying. 

It fueled the fire that started to burn in his heart that day. Seungmin had started to look at all of his interactions with people in a completely different way than he had before. 

He analyzed every conversation, tried to understand everything he could. But no matter how hard he tried, he genuinely couldn’t. He started with his friends and how they had acted towards him over the years. Yet with every memory he tried to analyze, he found no evidence that they were lying. 

Seungmin knows now that they were, understands that everything they said that he thought was a simple fact was just… bullying. And still even knowing that, he couldn’t find the places where he was supposed to know they were bullying him. 

It made him feel stupid. He prided himself in being smart, in being able to understand almost everything thrown his way. But human emotion has always been the one thing he could never grasp. 

It upset him greatly. How is he supposed to function if he can’t even understand basic human functions? How does one live life happily if they can’t understand the inner workings of themself? 

Not understanding other people’s emotions and intentions is one thing, something that he struggles with greatly. Being unable to know if the people he is around truly care for him or if he is bothering them with his presence. 

But not understanding himself was even worse. How can he logically explain his emotions when they make no sense. He knows why he feels how he does, understands exactly what he should do to fix it. Hell he even knows that his issues with trusting others can be solved purely by letting the past go. 

He just… Can’t. 

Every time something overwhelming happens, he ends up reacting in a way that is so confusing and then he can’t explain it, which makes him more upset to the point he just closes off to prevent it from happening again. 

Like right now for example. 

Instead of pondering on this whirlwind of confusing emotions he has about the day ahead, he just finishes getting ready for the day. 

He had already completed his morning routine, brushing his teeth, his skin care, styling his hair, and picking out his clothes. Currently he was making his bed, his bag for the day packed the night before sitting on the floor beside him. 

Just as he had tucked his comforter underneath his bed, Seungmin heard a soft knock on the door. 

“Just a second!” Seungmin called out, fluffing his pillow up before turning to walk towards the door. Crossing the room, he opens his door to reveal a seemingly excited Jisung. 

“Good morning Seungmin!” He beamed, bouncing on the balls of his feet, arms behind his back. 

Seungmin squints at the man in front of him. Jisung is never this excited, this early in the morning unless he’s up to something. 

“I slept fine.” Seungmin responded, doing a onceover of the fidgety man before questioning, “What mischievous plan do you have now? And how are myself or Yongbok involved?” 

“What!” Jisung exclaimed, bringing one of his hands from behind his back to cover his chest in shock. “What ever could you mean Seungmin-ah! When have I ever had a mischievous plan including you two? I am purely innocent!” He defends, batting his eyelashes towards the end in hopes to win Seungmin over. 

It doesn’t work. It never has, probably never will. Not on him at least. On Chan or Changbin? Maybe. But those are weak men, and Seungmin is not a weak man. 

Seungmin levels Jisung with a look that does all the talking for him, expressing his lack of faith in the man before him and his inability to not cause chaos. It doesn’t help that Yongbok is Seungmin’s roommate. Those two scheme together like it's their day job, instead of being idols. 

“Okay, okay! But it’s not what you think!” He defends, adding “Yongbok isn’t even here anymore, he had an early schedule today.”

“Uh huh. So what exactly do you want then Han Jisung?” Seungmin questions hesitantly. 

“I don’t want anything Minnie, not really.” Jisung responds, moving his other hand out from behind his back, holding a box in his hands. “I just want to give you this!”

“You know my birthday isn’t till later in the year right?” Seungmin questions, squinting his eyes once more. “What did you do, why are you giving me this?” He adds, thinking up the many things Jisung could have broken that Seungmin would be upset about. 

“Genuinely nothing! Jeez, can't a guy just want to give his friend a gift?” Jisung said, extending the gift closer to Seungmin. 

Hesitantly, still somewhat suspicious, Seungmin grabs the gift and starts to open the box. It’s a medium sized box, with a pretty shade of blue on the sides. 

Upon opening it, Seungmin is met with a small gaming system. It looks like it’s supposed to be a Game Boy, but there is a difference in the buttons and even a random logo splayed across the front. 

“Do you like it?” Jisung asks, peeking over the edge of the box as if he didn’t know what was inside it. His nerves probably make him double check its the right box. 

If Seungmin was a mean man, he would make fun of Jisung for getting him an offbrand Game Boy, would tease him relentlessly for not doing his research. 

Unfortunately for Jisung, that’s exactly the kind of man Kim Seungmin is. 

“Why did you get me an offbrand Game Boy? We’re literally rich, you couldn’t afford the real thing?’ He teases, no real malice in his voice but the sarcasm kicked up a notch instead. 

Color instantly covers Jisung’s ears, his hands fidgeting in front of him. “What! No! That’s the real thing! I swear!” he whines, quietly adding, “That’s what the guy said at least…” Barely loud enough for Seungmin to hear. 

“I hate to break it to you Sung-ah, but this in fact is a knock off,” Seungmin explains factually pointing to the buttons on the device, “These aren’t the right buttons for a Game Boy, plus this logo isn’t meant to be here.” He finishes, thumbing over the random logo glued to the front. 

Jisung deflates instantly, all his previous excitement and energy gone. 

“But the guy online said it was real! He said it was a really rare edition,” he frowns, going to grab the box back from Seungmin. “I’m sorry, Min. I know how much you wanted it so I tried to get you one as a surprise because of how hard things have been.” Jisung explains, before saying, “I should’ve done more research, I’ll take it back.”

Unfortunately for Seungmin this did work on him, whether Jisung meant it or not. If there was one thing Seungmin hated the most, it was genuinely upsetting or disappointing the boys. Especially the Sunshine Twins. Making those two sad was like kicking a hurt puppy. You would never do that on purpose.

Seungmin recoiled back, clutching the box closer to his chest to prevent Jisung from grabbing it. 

“No, no that’s okay.” he said, taking the console out of its box to power it on. “I didn’t say you needed to take it back, I’ll use it. It was very kind of you Jisung.” Seungmin added, trying not to implode at the fact the first loaded game starting at him was Baseball, the game he mentioned wanting the most.  

Jisung smiled softly, looking at Seungmin like he just told him they were getting a new pet. “You mean it? You aren’t upset?” He asks, still ready for Seungmin to pull the carpet from under him. 

Seungmin may be jokingly mean, but he wasn’t an ass. 

“No, Jisung-ah I’m not upset. This is really thoughtful thank you,” He said sincerely, the moment being somewhat bitter in his mouth. Like dark chocolate. “Though next time, maybe check the validity of the people you buy from yeah?” Seungmin added, not passing up the chance to tease Jisung more.

Jisung spluttered, “Whatever! I’m never going to be kind to you again Kim Seungmin!” He exclaims, turning to walk away mumbling a quiet, “Even if you’re right, heaven forbid I try to be nice to you.”  

“I heard that!” Seungmin shouts down the hall after him. 

“Whatever! Just get ready for the meeting! Or don’t! I don’t care!” Jisung yells back, lightly slamming the front door behind him. 

Seungmin’s chuckles died down the moment Jisung reminded him of the meeting they had today. Looking down at the device in his hands, the previous joy of the conversion prior fades. 

Multiple different thoughts run through his head, how STAY is going to react to the message, how the others are going to have to prepare without him, how inconvenient this all is. 

He feels this uneasy sense of dread fill him, the feeling he’s come to associate with this whole ordeal. One he’s felt before, that each time he experienced it, he would push to the side in hopes to ignore it. 

This whole thing feels stupid to him. Not being able to perform over a stupid stress fracture. 

Realistically Seungmin knows a stress fracture isn’t stupid. He knows that even a simple sprain can be extremely painful. Not just from personal experience, but by seeing it first hand. 

He remembers the MAMA awards last year, how Minho had sprained his ankle and still danced through it like it was nothing. Well, not nothing, but like it was less painful than it actually was. It wasn’t until the end of their performances that anyone had even noticed he was injured. 

At least that’s what he had thought. Seungmin himself didn’t notice until he had sat down backstage himself, glancing over to the side and noticing Minho sat in a chair of his own, his boot in the hand of some staff member, while a medic held his foot up to be inspected. 

But then, Seungmin had looked to the side and noticed that not only Minho was there, but so were Jisung, Hyunjin, and Chan. They had known since it happened. Seungmin later found out even the others knew. He was the only one who hadn’t. 

Knowing that felt awful. How could he go through a performance so unaware of his surroundings he didn’t see one of his own members getting hurt? 

Later watching back the show it was so obvious and yet Seungmin had no clue. He was so self absorbed in his own pain, his own self pity that he didn’t even think to look at anyone else. 

The whole night Minho had to be supported by other members or staff, being unable to properly walk himself. Seungmin felt awful. 

That’s been him before. Is him now. But he wasn’t going to sit there and steal the support from Minho like some selfish idiot. 

So no matter how much pain he was in, how much help he might’ve needed, he made sure to let Minho get all of it. 

Which the night of the MAMA’s this was fine. Seungmin was in pain sure, but not nearly enough to need support walking. His foot wasn’t even super inflamed that day, the dancing only making it somewhat worse.

That’s what he had told himself at least. Anything to justify not bothering others. To convince himself he was fine. Because he was! Seungmin was completely fine. 

For a while he was able to convince himself of that. The longer he pretended it wasn’t serious, that he was okay and didn’t need help, the more real it seemed. 

Obviously he’d still accept some help. No sane person wouldn’t, everyone has bad days. But he would never make anyone go out of their way to do something for him. He accepted help within reason, the normal amount.

Until the AAA’s. He tenses at the memory. 

The AAA’s were one of the most embarrassing moments in Seungmin’s career as an idol, which is saying a lot. 

Minho was still recovering from his sprained ankle, so he had been offered a chair to sit in during the performances. He was told not to dance at all, doctor's orders. 

Seungmin had been offered the same out, a second chair placed right next to Minho. He blatantly refused at first. 

He would not be caught dead sitting out of a performance for no reason, thank you very much. His injury was not that bad, he is perfectly capable of dancing. 

Chan and his doctors did not agree. They all were under the impression that he should be doing even more limited dancing to improve his healing. 

He rolls his eyes at the memory. They were right and he knew that, but did he listen? No. He wanted to perform like normal, is that so wrong? 

In the end they came to a compromise. Seungmin would dance, minimally, to certain songs and take breaks in between to sit down with Minho. On the condition that if his foot started hurting he would stop dancing and rest. 

Agreeing was the only way he’d be able to perform, so he did just that. But what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them right? What are the chances he’d be unable to perform? 

Very high apparently. 

Throughout the songs he danced for, his foot was hurting immensely. It hadn’t hurt this bad before, not for this long. 

He’d get sharp pains every now and then, have bad days, all of that kind of stuff. But this was a whole other level. 

When he sat down for Walking on Water, he felt off. The pain wasn’t easing up like it usually would, instead it was throbbing. His foot felt like it was beating to the tune of his heart. 

Then they started Bounce Back and he could ignore it for a bit, until the second chorus. It was at that point the words of the others rang in his ears. Telling him to take a break if he needed it.

This would’ve been the point he needed it. He knew that. Seungmin rationally knew that by continuing to perform he would be hurting himself and most likely worsening his condition. But he had to keep going. 

So he had. He danced through the rest of the performance pretending nothing was happening and ignoring the sizzling pain in his foot.

Until the end. 

The final chords of Ceremony played out and he couldn’t stop himself from taking a deep breath. From dropping the neutral face he had. 

His foot had hurt so bad. He should’ve sat down. Why did he keep performing? How was he even going to walk? Can he walk? 

Seungmin was so stressed and in pain he didn’t know what to do. 

That was when Chan asked if he wanted him to carry him backstage. And Seungmin didn’t even hesitate to say yes. 

Chan had carried Minho earlier in the night, when they had gone up for an award his cat hyung had demanded he be picked up and carried. Really he didn’t demand, he put that persona on to hide the vulnerability asking for help gave, but no one questioned it.

Changbin had asked Seungmin if he wanted the same done for him, since he was struggling to walk on the stairs around the venue. Seungmin immediately declined, seeing it as a show of weakness and not necessary, his weight being an unneeded strain on Changbin before the performance. 

Thinking back, Seungmin hates that he said yes to Chan. Just as Changbin didn’t need the strain before the performance, Chan didn’t need it after. 

Not only had they just finished performing, Chan giving it his all as always and not having the lenient choreography that Seungmin had, he had also already carried someone else that night. 

How awful of a person is Seungmin that he greedily took advantage of Chan’s kindness like that? 

Chan reassured him it was fine over and over, even after the award show, but Seungmin to this day still had guilt about it. 

Yet in the moment, he had no thoughts whatsoever about it. He was in pain. It was embarrassing and he had hidden away in Chan’s shoulder even then, but he needed help.

It wasn’t until they had gotten back to their hotel rooms that night that he had realized just how embarrassing and upsetting the whole situation was. That was when his guilt started to fester within him.

Not only that, he started to worry more about his foot. He wasn’t stupid, he knew that his injury wasn’t healing and that dancing on it like he just had made matters even worse.

He had hoped it would be a small fluke, a simple inflammation problem and that it would heal quickly. Even that night he had convinced himself that the night was just a one time thing, the pain being random chance.

But deep down he knew what was going to happen. Seungmin knew his condition, how prone he was to more serious injuries. Believing that nothing serious would happen was like believing that pigs would someday fly. Irrational. 

So when he had visited his doctor shortly after the performance and they told him the suspected a stress fracture? A piece of him cracked open. The ceramic having been glued on over and over again, each time being harder to make stick. 

Yet some part of him had hoped that maybe they were wrong this time, that they only suspect it so maybe it isn’t true. 

Deep down he knew that he was in denial. Rationally he knew very well they were right, they always were. 

Seungmin knew. He just didn’t want to.

It wasn’t until his most recent doctor's visit that it really set in for him that he can’t pretend everything was as simple as he wanted it to be. 

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

Going to the doctors was one of the worst things Seungmin has ever had to do. And that’s coming from someone who has to occasionally do aegyo for a living. 

Although, nothing can be worse than having to listen to one Seo Changbin pierce your eardrums every five minutes he’s around. 

That being said, sometimes Seungmin would rather deal with ringing ears than go to the doctor. 

It’s not that he’s scared of going to the doctor, because he has nothing to fear. He doesn’t have ‘white coat syndrome,’ isn’t afraid of needles, and could care less about the procedures they do. 

No, he hates going to the doctor because it always brings bad news.

Being the accident prone kid he was, with bones weaker than twigs, going to the doctor usually meant he had broken or fractured something. 

Countless trips to the hospital, the physical therapist, the follow up appointments. He was endlessly going to the doctor for something relating to his condition. Even his check ups ended up being about his bone health. Most of the appointments being thrown in together with his check ups regarding his broken bones. 

The consistency had been so prominent that even on the rare occasion he hadn’t broken a bone? Something else would happen on the day of the appointment that made him feel just as upset as he would have if they were there about his bone health. 

Realistically Seungmin knew that this was just pure coincidence. There was no bad omen around him that just magically made him experience something upsetting every time he went to the doctor. However… it was also… a pattern. And there’s almost nothing Seungmin loves more than recognizing a pattern. 

So when Seungmin started experiencing pain in his foot he made the horrible realization that he would once again have to attend regular doctors appointments. The pattern continues. Again. 

At first he wasn’t even going to really mention it, figured that the inflammation was just… a fluke, a bout of arthritis causing swelling and he would just be fine. Yet as a couple weeks went by he realized this was not just a random occurrence and he would have to bite the metaphorical bullet. 

To his surprise the first visit wasn’t all that bad, for once. They examined his foot, said it was just inflammation and recommended some shots and rest. Simple. Seungmin was ecstatic. 

He still had to tell management and the rest of the group, as the rest orders would prevent him from practicing as hard when it came to choreography. Even with that in mind, Seungmin felt a sense of ease under the sadness of sitting out, feeling hope that things would be easy and simple.

But of course things never work out the way he hopes they will, do they? 

Because it would be Seungmin’s luck that the day they planned a busy schedule to promote the new album, would be exactly when was due for his injection treatment. 

He was able to perform in some of the prerecorded content they had scheduled, but afterwards he went straight to the hospital for treatment. Chan helped him in and out of the car due to the pain radiating through his foot. 

The shots helped temporarily with his pain, but over time their effectiveness wore down, and they wouldn’t give him relief for much longer than a few days. 

This was information Chan had pried out of his cold and stubborn hands, since he wasn’t dead, because Seungmin was not offering that up very willingly. Chan had been watching over him like a hawk stalking its prey, and had somehow tuned his senses into discovering Seungmin’s pain. 

Which is something that kind of freaks Seungmin out, because he was hiding it well thank you very much, but somehow Chan just… knew.

And with discovering that, he decided he would personally escort Seungmin to any and all appointments regarding his foot that Chan possibly could. Not only to make sure he got the help that he definitely did not need, getting into the building, but also to tell the doctor anything Seungmin would not. 

Which wasn't really fair now was it? He was a grown man, maybe not nearly as grown as Chan who had one foot in the grave but still. Seungmin was very capable of taking care of himself and telling Dr. Kang everything he needed to know. 

Chan seemed to disagree greatly. And he made that very well known during his last appointment. 

“Treatment has been administered as expected, with no complications and based on what you’ve said today your inflammation seems to be improving,” Kang said, looking over Seungmin’s chart as he spoke. “How has the treatment been for you Seungmin-ssi? Any complications you’ve noticed?” He asked, looking up at the man on the table. 

“No, not that I can think of, everything seems to be going just fine.” Seungmin lied, hoping that if he pretended it was fine then it would be, plus he really did not want to deal with what would follow if he was honest. 

“Alright then, if you have any complications let me know,” his doctor said, getting ready to stand up and leave the room.

He was about to do the same, until a voice interrupted both of them from the corner of the room.

“Actually Dr. Kang, he’s been in a lot more pain than he’s letting on.” Chan said, speaking up almost shyly as if he shouldn’t have said anything.

Seungmin wishes he hadn’t, who was Chan to out his health secrets anyways? It’s not like it was important or anything. 

Doctor Kang looks at Chan with curiosity, turning towards Seungmin as if he disagrees. “Is that true?”

Heaving a heavy sigh and staring Chan down as if he could disintegrate him with his mind, Seungmin realizes there’s no going back now. 

“Well, I mean yes it is but, it’s not that bad, it’s probably just a normal part of the process right?” he asked, deflecting from the admittance that his pain was a lot worse than he cared to admit. 

“Actually, idealistically you would be in little to no pain, Seungmin-ssi. The goal of the treatment is to minimize pain and emphasize recovery.” Dr. Kang said, jotting down notes that Seungmin didn’t want to know the meaning of. 

“Really it’s very manageable-“ Seungmin stops in his tracks when he notices the glare Chan is sending his way. It’s a look that reads “tell him yourself or I will,” and Seungmin hates how much authority Chan has right now. 

The doctor looked up from his notes once Seungmin paused, waiting for him to continue. 

“Okay. I will admit it’s… been a lot worse than it was before…” He sighs, fiddling with his fingers as they rest in his lap. “The shots started out working fine, but now they only last a couple weeks if even that. This last round only lasted a couple days, and it’s been harder to walk.” Seungmin admits, hating how weak he sounds, explaining it all. 

Recalling that moment in the waiting room for his next treatment, the rest of the day faded away. All he could remember was his treatment plan had changed and he gave Chan the cold shoulder the whole ride home. 

With that thought in mind, Seungmin was almost glad Chan had gotten called away for a last minute recording session today. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate the company, he did, he just didn’t like being spoken for and appreciated being seen as weak even less. The logical part of him knew no one saw him as weak, but the little voice in his head screamed at him that he was nothing but a waste of time and space, causing problems he could handle on his own. 

Chan didn’t need to waste his time escorting Seungmin around, helping him up the stairs, out of the car, offering to carry him. Didn’t need to talk for Seungmin when he played off his pain, because he was fully capable of doing it himself. 

Gone were the days of Kim Seungmin following others like a lost puppy, letting them treat him however they wanted just so he could have company.

Asking for help and being cared for were times of the past if he had anything to say about it. Which he did, making sure the others knew that they did not have to provide for him. He was functional. He could be normal.

Instead of letting that spiral fester into the whirlwind of emotions he knew it could be, he was interrupted by a nurse calling his name. 

The treatment and tests all went by in a blur, his earlier thoughts running rampant in the background noise of everything occurring. He didn’t realize they would be doing more tests today, let alone that he’d actually meet with his doctor once more. 

Waiting in the small room of white walls with a random floral painting on one of them, Seungmin sat with his hands in his lap. He was agitated almost, eager to get back to work. 

He wonders what the others are doing right now. If Yongbok is using Jisung or Changbin-hyung muscles as a stressball. 

Or if Minho-hyung was threatening Hyunjin with the air fryer for being obnoxiously annoying as he usually is. 

How was the recording session Chan got called into going? Was he doing okay? They all worry about the amount of work Chan piles onto himself, especially when it comes to comebacks or performances. 

Seungmin knew Chan was capable of taking care of himself, or when he wasn’t, someone else was. 

One of the other members, usually Minho-hyung or Felix would be breaking down the studio doors to make sure he was taking care of himself, that he wasn’t going too far. 

Seungmin always wanted to help, but he really didn’t know what to do. In his mind, stopping was simple. Break things up into certain portions, a specific routine and follow it. 

Chan didn’t work that way. He worked until he dropped and then worked some more. Seungmin never understood how he did that.

To this day he doesn’t understand how he can help someone so different then him. All he does is just get in the way. The last time he tried to help, Chan closed in on himself and apologized. 

Seungmin didn’t understand why he apologized, but he forgave him as he felt was needed and then moved on. Something in his gut said he messed up though, and never tried to help him again. The others are better at it anyway. 

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door, the sound light, but startling him nonetheless. 

“Seungmin-ssi, how are you doing today?” Doctor Kang said, pulling up the rolling chair next to Seungmin. 

“I’m doing alright Dr. Kang, a little bit sore, but nothing I can't handle,” Seungmin responded, and this time he was being genuine. The shot caused a little bit of discomfort, but his pain was minimal for the day. 

“That’s good to hear,” Kang hummed, flipping through Seungmin’s chart once more. “I see you got some of the tests done we asked for, one of them being an x-ray?”

Seungmin made a noise of agreement, nodding along even though the doctor wasn’t looking. 

“Unfortunately, I cannot quite tell based on these scans alone. I’d need to run more tests to be sure, especially given your medical history” Dr. Kang stated, making no motion to elaborate. 

“Can’t tell what?” Seungmin asked, putting his hands under his thighs to prevent from picking at them.

“Well, I won’t be certain until we do more tests, but I suspect you have a stress fracture Seungmin-ssi, and that’s why this treatment hasn’t quite been working.” He said regretfully, a look of sympathy in his eyes. 

Seungmin shut down as soon as he heard.

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

That was about three months ago. 

By now his condition has been confirmed and his destiny set. That day was the first of many events Seungmin wouldn’t be attending. 

During that doctor's appointment opened the gates to so many possibilities he didn’t want to even think about. But eventually had too, 

His condition has struck again, and it’s costing him his job. 

That’s a bit dramatic. It isn’t costing him his job. He very much still has a job. He just cannot perform that job as well as he could. As good as he’d like to.

Seungmin was practically useless. 

He can’t dance, he can hardly walk some days, let alone stand. All he’s got going for him is his voice and to some people that’s not nearly enough. 

Their countless days of training nailed that into his head a long time ago. Dance, sing, look good, act right. Do these things and you’ll succeed. Slip up once? You’re gone.

If it weren’t for the popularity they had already gained, Seungmin is sure JYP would’ve kicked him to the curb by now. Honestly, he thinks Chan is part of why they haven’t done so already. 

Seungmin doesn’t know. It’s a thought he doesn’t let himself entertain often, if at all. He’d rather keep his head on as straight as possible if he can. 

What he does know is that he needs to focus because he’s been running on autopilot ever since Jisung left his apartment. 

How does he realize this fact? A wall. And by walking. Into it. 

He smacks chest first, luckily his beautiful face is saved, into the wall right next to the company elevator.

When he got to the company building he had no idea. Let alone when he got to the elevator.

But somehow, he managed to zone out so hard he walked out of his apartment, into one of the company vans, and into the company building without realizing. Or being questioned enough to break him out of his stupor. 

Unfortunately this isn’t the first time that it’s happened, and probably won’t be the last either. He has a tendency to think so loud everything else goes quiet. 

Which isn’t a bad thing. Thinking is good! It’s normal. He was normal. 

He did normal things and was functioning and normal and… Well, no. He wasn’t normal. And he knew that. There were plenty of things that made him different from the rest of the world.

Like his aversion to certain fabrics because they make his skin feel itchy, or his preference for foods with rice or noodles in them, or how he can’t always understand the tone someone is using even if he knew them personally, or how if he got too cold he’d be shivering from the inside out. 

Or his condition. How his bones were weaker than everyone else’s, and he was prone to getting injured if he wasn’t careful. His mother warned him that a career where dancing was one of the main requirements was risky for him. 

But this was his life. His reason for living.

When he was younger, he used to say that was baseball. The thrill of throwing a ball, running around the bases, holding a bat. Nothing could bring him more joy than that. 

But then he slid onto home base in order to get the last point they needed to win, and broke his ankle. 

Ironic isn’t it. It’s the same ankle that’s suffering now, his pain of the past coming back to haunt him as it always does. 

When he sustained that injury, his mother swore up and down she would not pay for him to injure himself anymore. He’d have to quit playing or find a way to do so by himself. 

Of course a teenage boy in a poor neighborhood wouldn’t be able to afford something like that by himself, so he had to leave that dream behind. Hanging it up like the pros do their jerseys when they retire. 

But then, Seungmin found singing. One of his classmates at the time had overheard him humming some tune he couldn’t remember, and recommended he join choir. 

He did and he realized that if he couldn’t have baseball, he could have this. 

His love for Day6 only fueled the fire, discovering them a year or so after they debuted. At the time, they weren’t what a K-pop group is like now, some people arguing they don’t quite count at all. 

Yet he could care less about any of that, because Seungmin saw his future dream staring right back at him in the reflection of his posters. He would do whatever it takes to reach that goal. And reach he did. 

Begging his mom to let him audition, with a boyish smile and braces adorning his teeth, he submitted a video to JYP in hopes to be considered. 

That was the start of something great, even once he learned he’d have to dance as well and his mother begged him to reconsider. There was no turning back, because for him, his dreams were finally coming true. 

So this was all he had left. All he had to show for himself. To prove to everyone, or maybe even himself, that he was so much more than the abnormal boy they saw. That he was Kim Seungmin, and he could do anything anyone else could.

He just had to prove it to them. 

But how can he do that, when he’s still getting just as injured and upset as he would as a young boy? 

Seungmin shakes that thought out of his head before he can spiral. He cannot have a pity party in front of the guys, let alone in front of staff. How much weaker could he get? Sitting in a meeting discussing the logistics of a festival he can’t attend, holding back tears because he isn’t getting what he wants. Pathetic. Honestly. 

It’s already bad enough he zoned out again so bad that he found himself in the middle of a meeting, sitting in a chair he doesn’t even remember pulling out. 

When did he get in the meeting room? What is going on? 

He has never zoned out this bad before. Sure he loses focus a lot, as seen by today apparently, but it has never lasted so long he couldn’t remember half of what he’s done in the past couple of hours. 

It’s this stupid injury. Somehow the fracture in his bones is making his brain break. That has to be it surely. 

No, that is the stupidest thing Seungmin has ever thought. He is clearly in denial right now, and he knows that, so why is he still trying to be stubborn about it? Being in denial while being aware of it is… pointless. 

Get it together. This is ridiculous. You are better than this, Kim Seungmin. Quit being pathetic. 

A voice in the back of his head that sounds awfully familiar, reminds him that it is not pathetic to feel things, let alone be disrupted by those thoughts. It was healthy, and it was normal.

That stupid word. Normal. Seungmin clearly wasn't normal, so why should he justify his outburst by the standards of normal people. He doesn’t have the right to do that. He was different, which meant everything he does is different and…

Before he can continue spiraling about his spiraling, Seungmin is nudged out of his thoughts. Glancing over to his right, he notices Felix looking at him with poorly hidden concern in his eyes. 

You okay? The blonde mouths, trying not to interrupt the conversation that is still clearly happening around them, but wanting to check up on his roommate beside him.

Seungmin nods, not trusting himself not to make an accidental sound or expression were he to attempt to whisper back. As it was he was fighting not to show his upset through the neutral expression he had on his face. 

Felix levels him with a look that says, I don’t believe you in the slightest, but nods along with him, returning his gaze to the current person speaking about who knows what. 

Well if you had been paying attention, you would know what, wouldn’t you?

Following the blonde's lead, Seungmin looks towards their management and tries to pay attention to the conversation at hand once more, as if he hadn’t absolutely clocked out before he was even in this chair to begin with. 

He had caught bits and pieces, understood that they had mentioned his schedule or lack thereof for treatment. Seungmin tuned back in anytime his name was said in a way that indicated he needed to answer, but otherwise he couldn’t tell you how long he had even been there. 

Even his responses were on autopilot, most of them not registering in his brain, the memory of them gone as soon as they came. 

Across the table, Seungmin notices another tuft of blonde pointedly staring directly at him, as if trying to stare through his entire soul. 

Chan is looking at him with his signature leader look, as if he held the weight of the world on his shoulders and it was his job to keep it steady. Concern was clearly written all over his face, not hidden at all like Felix’s was moments prior. Australians.

Seungmin brushes Chan’s concern off exactly like he did with Felix, even though he felt slightly more upset about it this time for some reason. Why? He has no idea. Especially because he really doesn’t remember half of what has happened today.

What he does remember is being dismissed and Chan telling him to stay. So why exactly is Chan even worried in the first place? It was his fault Seungmin was still in the room, so why does he care now?

When the meeting had first started, they were simply discussing the basics: upcoming schedules, announcement messages, product lines, all that good stuff. At least that’s what he assumes. He wasn’t really paying attention, but that’s how they usually start meetings anyways. 

Then they started talking about performances. More specifically, they started talking about the Governor’s Ball; how Seungmin wouldn’t be attending. 

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

“As I'm sure you are all aware, Seungmin’s injury still requires a lot of rest and maintenance,”  their manager started. “Thus, as we have previously discussed, we will be moving forward with announcing his lack of attendance at the Governors Ball.” 

Seungmin tuned back into the conversation with a wince, wishing he could block this part of the meeting out, but being unable to since it revolved around him. 

He had known it was happening, they had mentioned him not attending the Governor’s Ball at his last appointment. Discussed how he won’t be able to perform properly for an uncertain amount of time. Still, hearing it all out in the open stung a bit more than he would like to admit. 

“With that being said, Seungmin, if you have no further comments or concerns, you are free to go for the day.” Their manager announced, shuffling the papers in front of him as if the papers didn’t hold more meaning than they did. 

Going to stand up, Seungmin was interrupted by Chan’s voice cutting through the silence. 

“Seungmin, sit down.” He said, with no malice in his voice, just certainty. “Politely Manager-nim, we are still a team. A group of eight. Even if we won’t all be there, the decisions can be run through all of us.” Chan stated, leaving no room for argument. 

Seungmin had never wanted to slap the man more in his life than he did in that very moment. 

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

Don’t get Seungmin wrong; he understands where his hyung is coming from. When Hyunjin was on hiatus, they made sure to run any big group decisions by him as well. Anytime any one of the members is unable to be a part of something, they still make sure to keep them informed and included somehow, no matter what. It’s what they do, how they keep them together as a team. A family. 

However, in this very moment, being in this room, during this meeting, is the last thing Seungmin wants right now. Hearing about all the details and decisions they’re making about a performance he cannot be a part of stings like a freshly made wound drowned in lemon juice. 

He was ready to leave! He had no qualms with that whatsoever! Hell, until they started talking about the Governor's Ball, he wasn’t even paying attention! He couldn’t think about anything other than his own self-pity! So let him go! 

 But stupid Chan, with his stupid mouth, had to go be stupid and caring like he always does, so no, Seungmin is stuck here. 

And he has the audacity to look like he feels bad about it? That doesn’t even make any sense. Chan made him stay, so surely he can’t feel bad about something he wanted, right? Besides, Seungmin’s the one who has to suffer through this, not Chan. Seungmin just doesn’t understand. 

Ignoring the look of a wounded puppy, he tries to pay attention to the words being said around him. Pretending that they hold any meaning to him besides failure, picking at the skin surrounding his fingernail. If he can just get through the rest of this, he can go home and wallow in his self-pity. He can do this. It’s fine. 

The voices and topics begin to all blur together once more, melting into a constant strum of noise and chaos. Almost like the background noise one would hear outside their apartment in a busy city. The constant blaring of honking cars, beeping crosswalks, and chatter of individuals passing by. 

If one were to distinguish each sound individually, one could find a meaning in each sound being made. The crosswalk indicating whose turn it is to walk, the cars motioning for others to move, and conversations telling the story of each person speaking in them. But put them all together and suddenly there’s nothing but meaningless chaos.

Seungmin wonders if the same can be said for this meeting. If he was never meant to understand its meaning to begin with. At some point, the longer the voices blend together, the more it starts to sound like none of this was meant to be coherent to him at all. That maybe he was destined to zone out and be confused no matter what. 

And then suddenly everyone is standing up and bowing towards the management staff. Seungmin shakily follows suit, thanking them alongside the others. This movement is on autopilot just like the others he’s had in the past hour, just for a completely different reason. 

Falling in line with the rest of the boys, he ends up walking behind a buzzing Jeongin, the maknae beaming a smile so wide Seungmin wonders how he can see where he’s going.  

Keeping his head down, he walks in time with the others in order to not raise suspicion with anyone else. If he has to have another heart-to-heart with a teary-eyed Yongbok and childish Changbin, he might actually break his ankle off entirely just to get out of the room. 

Trying to keep his thoughts in line, not letting himself zone out so hard again that he gains consciousness back at the dorm. 

He is fine! He does not need to be babied by everyone! He does not need special treatment, and he sure as hell does not need them to check on him about this every five minutes. He’s not a child, he will survive one little injury preventing him from performing. 

That’s not what you were thinking earlier, now was it?

Once again ignoring the spiral that is trying to shove its way down his throat, Seungmin picks up his pace just slightly to do something other than think. Unfortunately, speeding up without looking where one is walking isn’t always the smartest. Another wall decides to remind him of that. 

He really needs to watch where he’s going. This is the second time today. Can he do anything right? Walls are not that hard to avoid.

Wait. This wall has arms? And is… talking? What kind of wall is this–

He looks up only to be met with the same look of puppy-eyed concern he was avoiding earlier, the owner of said look voicing this out loud this time and not just through his eyes. 

“Woah there, you okay?” Chan asks, holding Seungmin just a little bit away, turning him side to side slightly in order to check him over. 

“Yes hyung, I’m fine.” Seungmin spits out, the discomfort of the whole situation causing him to tense. “Just wasn’t watching where I was going, is all.”

Chan looks him over once more to see if he could find any signs that the other was lying. When he deemed there were none, he let him go with a soft, “Yeah, you looked like you were in some kind of hurry.”A light chuckle following suit. 

This only upset Seungmin more. Great. Not only did he bump into the last person on earth he wanted to talk to, but he apparently looked like he was running a race when he did so. Awesome. 

“Did I? I didn’t even notice.” He lied, brushing off the accusation like dust on his jeans. "I just was lost in thought, I guess. A little excited for dinner; Minho hyung is making kimchi jjigae, you know," Seungmin added, while not particularly a lie, it wasn't the full truth either. Just something to change the topic. 

Chan laughs tensely, “How could I forget? It’s your favorite,” and then adds, “he’s making it specifically for you.” Chan looks behind him to see if said person was still around. He wasn’t; they had been standing there so long that the rest of the members ended up outside. 

Seungmin scoffs, murmurs “Of course he is,” under his breath. Minho is kind and caring, but not in the way most people expect. 

Outwardly, he’ll tease you to no end and chase you around threateningly until he gets what he wants for the day. Inwardly, he has the softest heart you could think of, not including Felix. 

His way of showing his care is in acts of service: cooking you your favorite meals, cleaning your room for you, or pulling you out of the studio at three A.M. All of this would be done with a snide remark, of course, but no malice would be in the words at all. 

So of course, Minho is cooking his favorite meal tonight of all nights. Because he feels bad and he is comforting him over the situation because that’s what he does.  

But he doesn’t have to. Seungmin was fine. 

“What was that?” Chan asked, interrupting his thoughts before they could go haywire again.

“Hmm? Oh, nothing, don't worry about it.” Seungmin responds, brushing it off in hopes that Chan didn’t hear him and they can move on. 

“Right…” The other starts, as if he doesn’t believe him. He doesn’t. “It just sounded like you said, ‘of course he is,’ when I mentioned Minho making dinner for you.” He finished, raising his eyebrow in a way that meant he was confused, but trying not to push. 

With a deep sigh, Seungmin decides he might as well tell the truth, Chan would find out somehow anyway. 

“Yes, because I did say that,” he responds flatly. Just because Chan found out doesn’t mean he has to be an open book about it. 

Chan stalls for a moment, clearly at a loss for what to do. Eventually he just settles on asking, “Why?”

Seungmin stops himself from rolling his eyes. He doesn’t need to do that, not right now. It’s not the time. He takes a deep breath to steady himself, wondering if he should tell the truth or make up some kind of lie. 

“Because he always does stuff like this when he thinks we are upset. He goes out of his way to do something nice to show he cares or whatever,” He says almost childishly, trying to be honest without being too honest. 

“Well yeah, because he does care about you. We all do, you know that, right?” Chan asks, suddenly worried by Seungmin’s response that he had doubts. And yeah, he does, but Chan doesn’t need to know that, does he?

“Of course I do hyung, how could I forget?”  He asks rhetorically, answering before giving Chan the chance to. “You guys are constantly smothering me in it, it’s almost worse than how you treat Jeongin.”

The words seem to hit the elder like a ton of bricks. If Seungmin didn’t know what happened, he would’ve assumed Chan had just been stabbed somewhere. 

It takes Chan a second to think about the words being said, before he can come up with some sort of response. He looks like a floundering fish out of water, mouth opening and closing for air. 

When he finally seems to figure out what to say it’s with a wounded look on his face and hurt in his voice. 

“Seungmin-ah… We don’t mean to smother you.”  Chan starts, still seeming lost for words. “I just- we just love you. We treat you the same as we do everyone else, because we care. If we were being overbearing you could’ve told us and I would’ve stopped and…” He starts to ramble, but Seungmin cuts him off before he can keep going. 

“I shouldn’t have to tell you hyung!” Seungmin snaps, having zoned out mid way through the tangent, Chan’s words barely reaching his ears. “I just wish you guys would leave me alone!”

These words only seem to wound Chan even more, his confusion evident on his face. 

“Seungmin, what are you saying? What do you mean leave you alone? Do you want more space? We can set up vacation time for you,” Chan scrambles to fix whatever the issue may be, which only makes Seungmin more upset.

“No Chan, that’s the point!” Seungmin shouts, so close to yelling at this rate that his voice reverberates a little off the walls. “I just want you guys to stop.”

“Stop what?” Chan asks.

“Just stop caring! It’s not worth it, leave me alone!” Seungmin screams, the loudness of his voice shocking him out of his anger. 

He shouldn’t have snapped at Chan like that… he shouldn’t even have said what he did. He needs to go. He needs to go now. 

Instead of giving Chan a chance to say anything other than a “Seungmin wait,” Seungmin bolts out of the company building, deciding to walk home instead of take a company car. 

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

Seungmin enters the code to his apartment faster than he ever has in his entire life. He just… needs to get into his room as soon as possible. 

He pushes the door open with such force it bangs against the wall, causing Seungmin to cringe and tense at the noise. 

Hopefully that doesn’t dent. That’s not something we need to deal with right now. 

As much as he would love to worry about that, getting into his room is his top priority. Thus, he closes the door just as fast, slides off his shoes at the entrance and almost sprints to his room. 

Entering his room, he carelessly throws his bag on the floor, instead of cautiously setting it in the spot he usually would. 

He goes to sit on his bed when he realizes that he speed walked home, and that he’s sweaty and dirty and also his skin feels uncomfortable on his body and-

Okay! Time to shower! I’ll just… shower. That will help. That’s fine, that'll help. 

Seungmin gathers up some pajamas, not bothering to make sure they even match. Luckily they do, his past self being so meticulous that he would never have a pair of pajamas that don’t match. 

Fate continues to be on his side it seems, as he notices the lack of a certain blonde sunshine that would’ve greeted him at the door, especially with how forcefully he entered. 

He must’ve gone over to the others’ dorm for dinner. 

He steps into the shower, turning the water all the way to the left as he can physically handle and then some. 

Seungmin shouldn’t take warm showers. They make his heart race and his limbs shake, he feels like one of those inflatable car dealership floats every time he does. 

However, instead of caring about that, he decides to make the water hot enough to almost burn his skin, but not cause any damage. He has an idol persona to uphold. The makeup crew would have his head if he burnt his skin. 

You won’t be wearing much makeup if you can’t perform now will you? 

Trying to shut the thoughts inside his head out, he grabs his shampoo and scrubs it into his scalp roughly. The great thing about your scalp is, no one is looking closely at it. Even if they wanted to, there are these things called hats. 

Seungmin scratches, scratches, and scratches. Rubbing at his scalp as if he could physically claw the thoughts out of his brain.

Maybe if he scratches hard enough, he can break open the skin, the folds of his scalp separating like slices of cheese. Then he could crack open his skull like an egg, just enough to get the yolk inside— his thoughts. The yolk is spoiled, the egg rotten and thus needing to be disposed of. 

He could reach into his cracked eggshell skull and grab the rotten yolk that’s smelling up his kitchen, and chuck it into his trash can. There would be egg whites everywhere, but the yolk would be gone. 

Only, his horrible thoughts are the yolk, his blood is the egg whites, and he is making a horrible mess all over his kitchen. If Minho hyung were there, he’d probably yell at him for getting blood on the precious kitchen tile. But at least Seungmin would find peace. 

Unfortunately this is reality, and Seungmin knows if he did that, he would be dead. It doesn’t hurt to dream though right? 

Well, actually it does, because along the lines of delusional dreaming and showering, Seungmin was very close to making his dream come true. His head was burning both from his scratching and the hot water, which he decided was the cue to stop. 

He rinses the shampoo out of his hair, decides to just rush the rest of his shower instead of wasting more space- water. Instead of wasting water. 

Seungmin still scrubs his skin harshly, making sure to clean it of everything, germs and bad energy alike. He spends a good couple minutes doing so, not being able to fully disregard his cleanliness and routine, before hopping out.

Roughly drying off, he rushes getting into his pajamas before walking back to his room, closing his door, and then freezing. He stands there, lost on what he should do. 

He almost forgot why he was in such a hurry to get to his room in the first place. Running around from place to place to avoid his thoughts had almost made them stall completely. 

It isn’t really that he forgot, it’s that they’re all jumbling together in his head that he doesn’t know what to do with them, where to start processing them. 

The Governor's Ball, his injury, the members treating him like he would break, the way he just snapped at Chan, the way he’s has been a burden like this since he was- 

No. He is not going to go there. He does not need to go there. 

But that’s what it all boils down to isn’t it?

From the moment he was born, Kim Seungmin has always been an inconvenience. 

All of his injuries, the doctor’s appointments, the endless lecturing and care his mother had to take with him. She had to walk around with him as if he was made of glass, one wrong move and he would shatter on the ground below. 

Then as he grew nothing got better, his friends treated him like he was some comedy act, using his lack of normalcy like the opening act. Whenever they could they would point out every flaw he had, just to make sure he knew about them. And to make it worse, he what? Thought they were just telling it as it was? How could he be so stupid?

Who would literally tell someone to their face that they were abnormal? Let alone kids at the prime age of fifteen waiting for their next victim to bully. 

Seungmin was not only inconvenient, he was stupid. 

He had trusted those kids at face value as if they were worthwhile, like they were people he couldn’t live without. But not because he was in denial, no he genuinely had no idea that they were bullying him. 

At this point he had somehow ended up sitting on his floor, instead of his bed. His back against the mattress and his knees to his chest, arms hugging his legs. He was shaking? For some reason he couldn’t understand. 

That’s not true, he knew exactly why he was shaking. He was just hoping if he lived in denial, like he had the moments before that led him right here, that it would all go away. 

Stupid Kim Seungmin, for someone who claims to be all brain no gain, you are so dumb. 

How many times must he end up in this exact same scenario before he realizes that running away from the problem will never fix it. 

Clearly not enough, because here he sits running through every issue in his head for no more than five seconds in order to move on in hopes to ignore it forever. 

But no amount of stalling can prevent the inevitable. He is a burden, no matter how hard he tries, he will always be a burden. 

To his parents, to his friends, to the boys he calls his family, to the company, to STAY, and to Chan. 

God, why did he snap at Chan?

That man does so much more than he ever should, always going the extra mile to be there for everyone and then some. Chan was the kindest person you could ever meet, even next to Felix, because he would sacrifice the clothes on his back if he had been asked to. 

And yet, Seungmin saw all that support, all that care, and spat on it. 

He grabbed the clothes Chan had offered him, looked at them as if they were disgusting and dirty, as he threw them onto the wet ground. Then instead of explaining or saying anything, he stomped them into the muddy water and ran away. 

Seems to be the one thing he is good at, isn’t it?

Running away from your problems doesn’t fix them, but it sure does make you a hell of an athlete. Your life will be filled with constant turmoil, but your marathon skills will be award winning. It’s just a matter of what’s more important. First place? Or a good pace? 

What is he even saying? Does that even make sense? He wouldn’t know, sometimes he really is a lot dumber then he hypes himself up to be. He wonders if the others have noticed it as well. 

Maybe they weren’t being kind to him because of his injury… or because of his inability to perform. Maybe they were being extra kind to him because they were finally letting him go. 

They probably realized how inconvenient it was to keep him around. Probably noticed just how very little he provides to the group. 

He hardly has looks, apparently he’s lacking in brains, he definitely doesn’t have gains, and he hardly can dance even when he isn’t injured. 

Over time he had gotten a lot better at dancing, but with his weaker bones, certain moves became harder and harder to perform. Focusing on vocals, which was his strongest attribute, was the best solution. 

Plenty of people have assured him that he had more to him than his voice. There was even a time where he was young and naive, that he believed them. But as he has learned to accept, the passage of time comes with the loss of immaturity. 

The others probably realized this as well. As a whole they had been extremely busy, but now that some time had passed since their last performance and his newest injury, they realized the truth. 

Even if they hadn’t decided to abandon him completely, with the way he just treated Chan? They surely were abandoning him now. 

Why would they keep around a useless, inconvenient member that snaps at you just for helping? All Seungmin is good for is causing issues for everybody around him, himself included. And his best course of action is to run away until he can’t anymore. 

Seungmin is pulled out of his thoughts by the sudden inability to breathe, his nose feeling clogged and also runny? His nose was running?

Coming back to his senses he realized that not only was his nose running, he was crying. When had he started crying? How long had he just been letting the tears fall from his face onto his knees? And how did he not feel it?

Before he could spiral about that concept anymore like the others, he heard his phone buzzing in his bag.

Digging into the front pocket, he grabbed his phone to see an incoming call from Chan. 

He promptly decides to ignore that call, not at all being ready to face Chan hyung just yet, let alone deal with the incoming abandonment and firing that is soon to follow. 

After waiting for the call to finish, Seungmin looks at his lockscreen to notice that was the fifth time Chan had called him, while he was also missing one call from Minho hyung that scared him more than abandonment did, and a bunch of different texts. 

[From Changbin ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥: 

Yah! Seungmin! Are you coming for dinner? If not, I’ll eat all of yours for you ㅋㅋㅋ   ]

[From The Cat. : 

Kim Seungmin.

Where are you?

Answer the phone. 

You’re really going to ignore your favorite hyung when I made your favorite meal special just for you? 

I raised you better than this. 

I’m feeding your portion to my cats. Starve.]

[From Flatbread Fetus. : If you don’t get here soon I think Changbin hyung is gonna fight the cats for your food. ㅋ ㅋ  

Maybe you shouldn’t show up, I think that’s a show I want to see ]

[From Lix☀️☀️: 

Minnieeee, where are youuuuuu 

I miss youuuu ㅠㅠ 

I hope you are okay… see you at dinner? :(

[From Ferret. :

 The others told me to try texting you, are you okay? Why aren’t you here? Did something happen? 

Changbin is fighting the cats for your food… 

[attachment: img4305.mp4] 

We’re here for you whenever you need us Minnie. ]

[From J.One: 

Seungminnie, I know my gift is so awesome that you just couldn’t wait to play it, but skipping family dinner? 

That’s so rude ㅠㅠ 

Why do you hate usssssssss ㅠㅠ ]

Seungmin smiles at the antics going on, but quickly feels a pit of anxiety in his stomach. What if they are all so worried about him being at dinner so they can tell him to get lost? 

He immediately feels guilt along with his worry, because somewhere deep down he knows that it’s irrational to think this way. Still, his anxiety wins the battle as he shuts his phone off, not even bothering to look at the texts from Chan he knows are also sitting there. 

Instead he gets up from his floor, dusts off his pajama pants instead of changing them, which he really should do, and finally goes to get in his bed. 

Looking at his pristinely made bed he realizes that he had left the Game Boy Jisung gifted him on his comforter. Picking it up, he remembers that Jisung had joked he was playing it instead of having dinner with them. 

Well… he wasn’t going to dinner that’s for sure… and he was way too worked up to just go to bed… so what’s the harm in playing a couple rounds? 

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. 

Seungmin groans as he’s brought to awareness by the blaring noise of his alarm clock. 

He must’ve fallen asleep at some point last night. All he remembers is that he was scoring home runs left and right; well actually, he wasn’t, he really didn’t know how to play and kept losing, then suddenly it was morning. 

With heavy limbs he turns over to turn off the beeping of his alarm, grabbing his phone to see if there were any missed messages. 

That’s weird. 

Not only were there no more messages sent to him after his mysterious disappearance, the unread messages he had been ignoring from a certain blonde haired man had suddenly disappeared. 

Maybe I cleared them somehow and didn’t realize. 

Thinking nothing of it, Seungmin goes to grab the long forgotten Game Boy on his bed to put it somewhere safe and get ready for the day. 

“Ow!” He shouts, dropping the device back onto the spot on his bed he had previously picked it up from. For some reason, the Game Boy had shocked him as soon as he picked it up. 

Grabbing the device more cautiously, Seungmin successfully picks it up without getting shocked once more. Setting it on his bedside table, he goes about his morning routine without worrying about it much more than the text notifications he had accidentally cleared. 

It’s probably because it’s a knock off. I should be more careful with it in the future, if it happens again I might have to tell Jisung. 

Speaking of, as Seungmin walks out into the hallway, new clothes in hand, he notices Jisung sitting at the kitchen table, his leg bouncing restlessly. 

I wonder what he’s doing over here, it’s not like him to spend two nights over here in a row. 

Deciding to ask him about it after getting ready for the day, Seungmin goes about the rest of his morning routine. 

For someone who just had an extremely horrible day yesterday, he feels really good right now. 

The emotional hangover hasn’t hit yet. This is the high before the crash and burn to come. This is how it goes every time like clockwork. Wait for the right moment and bam! Everything comes pouring back in like a tsunami. 

Well, if there is one thing Seungmin is good at, it’s being in denial. And so, he will continue to ride this high as always for as long as he possibly can. 

Once his morning routine is finished, he walks out of the bathroom and is about to go back into his room when he notices Jisung nervously standing by his door. It looks as if he was about to knock, when he notices Seungmin coming towards him. 

“Oh, hey Seungmin,” he says quietly, almost as if he was scared Seungmin would smite him down where he stood.

That’s… odd. Never in his time knowing Jisung has he ever seen him be this nervous towards any of them, let alone Seungmin. 

It’s not like he was the first person Jisung would go to for his issues, he wasn’t even the second, but Jisung was never scared of him before. Not even during the lowest moments of his life had Jisung ever been scared of any of them. Just… closed off. 

“Hi Jisung,” Seungmin starts hesitantly, trying to ease the nerves of the man in front of him. “Did you sleep well? Was the couch comfortable this time or did you get roped into koala cuddles by Yongbok?” He asks, a lilt in his voice as he spoke about his sunshine roommate. No one could get out of cuddle time with Bok, it was physically impossible.

Jisung looked back at Seungmin as if he had grown a second head, seeming even more nervous if that was somehow possible. 

“Uhh, I slept alright… in my own bed… in my room?” He answers, his response trailing off into a question, as if he wasn’t really sure it was the right answer or not. 

This confused Seungmin as well. Why was Jisung here so early in the morning, if he hadn’t spent the night?

“Oh really? I had assumed since you were here so early, you stayed the night.” Seungmin explains, deciding to take this conversation to his bedroom so he doesn’t have to keep holding his dirty clothes as he speaks.

Jisung watches him move easily into his bedroom, but pauses anxiously at Seungmin’s door as if he’s worried he’s not allowed in. 

Even weirder. 

“I did… stay the night… here in my own room?” Jisung responds, each pause sounding more confused, the skin around his nailbeds being brutally picked at as he speaks. 

“Since when did you have a room here?” Seungmin questions, half teasing and half genuine because as he remembers this was his and Felix’s apartment, not Jisung’s. 

“Since… we moved in?” He pauses once more, this time looking Seungmin up and down, as if looking for some kind of injury. “Are you… alright?”

Seungmin wants to laugh, he should be asking the same question to Jisung. He’s the one acting differently after all. In fact, he’s going to do just that.

“Yeah? I’m just fine Jisung-ah, are you okay? You’re acting weirdly, you won’t even step foot in my room.” He shoots back, gesturing towards the looming figure of Jisung shifting in his doorway. 

Jisung looks at him and worries his lip between his teeth. He looks as if he considers stepping into the room, glancing down at the floor below him, before deciding against it. 

“I’m… fine.” He responds, looking up from the floor to meet Seungmin’s eyes, a questioning look in his irises before he continues. “I just wanted to remind you about the meeting we had today… make sure you knew the van would be here soon…”

Now if all the other stuff wasn’t confusing, that surely was. 

“Meeting? Didn’t we just have a meeting yesterday?” Seungmin voices his confusion. 

“No? At least I didn’t… Maybe you had a different meeting?” Jisung hesitates, as if saying no would surely get him in trouble. He looks even more scared of Seungmin than he had before. 

What? We surely had a meeting yesterday and Jisung was there… Maybe we just. Have a different meeting and he’s having a rough day? I’ll keep an eye on it. 

“Ah, you’re right Sung-ah, I did have a meeting yesterday. I could’ve sworn you were there, but maybe I just mixed them up. Silly me,” Seungmin laughs, trying to reassure Jisung, but see if he can catch anything that gives away the others' mood. 

Unfortunately for him, Jisung just blinks at him slowly, before responding with a drawn out, “Okay,” and walking away. Adding on a “See you in the van… I guess?” as he disappears. 

That was so confusing. They just had their meeting yesterday, and Seungmin knows that because… well… he reacted less than poorly to it, and Chan was the person to see that first hand. 

Ugh. Chan. I do not want to see him today. Especially in a meeting. 

Brushing the confusion aside, Seungmin continues to get ready for… the meeting? They apparently have, while assigning himself the task of watching over Jisung. He would ask Chan for help usually but… that ship has sailed for now. His best bet would be to ask Minho hyung. He’ll bring it up when the chance arises. 

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

Fortunately for Seungmin, the chance comes sooner rather than later. In fact, it’s as soon as he steps out of the company van that he runs into Minho himself. 

“Minho hyung! Wait up!” He calls out, trying to catch the man before he enters the building and got lost to Seungmin in the labyrinth of halls or rooms. 

Minho turned around at the voice calling his name, a look of vague disgust written on his face. If Seungmin hadn’t known him so well, he would’ve just assumed he was making a normal face. 

He catches up to the man now stalled by the entrance doors, looking like he would rather be anywhere than having this conversation with Seungmin. It makes Seungmin smile, because that’s just his typical tsundere hyung, pretending he hates talking to them when he really loves them. 

“Can I help you?” Minho says when Seungmin gets closer, his voice is a lot cooler than he would’ve expected. 

Still Seungmin laughs at the antics of his elder, knowing very well he’s just jokingly acting cold. 

“Yeah hyung, I wanted to talk to you about Jisung, has he been acting weird to you?” He asks, becoming more serious as his confusion shines through. 

Instead of the pieces clicking into place for Minho, he pinches his brows together slightly in confusion. 

“How should I know?” Minho responds, his voice clipped. 

What?

“Because he’s… your best friend? Come on hyung, the joke isn’t funny anymore, I'm being serious.” Seungmin says, confused as to why Minho would joke about such a thing. 

Rather than dropping the joke, Minho just scoffs like Seungmin had just said the most absurd thing ever. 

“Uh huh, sure. What’s next, are you going to tell me that we all debuted together?” He retorts, rolling his eyes as he speaks. “I have no idea what you’re talking about Seungmin-ssi, but if you don’t mind, I have to go now. Your choreography doesn’t make itself you know.” He adds bitterly, turning on his heel to walk into the company building. 

“Hyung wait-’ Seungmin calls out, but it’s too late, Minho already in the building and out of earshot. 

Okay. Jisung could make some sense, but what the fuck was Minho on about. 

The gears in Seungmin’s head were turning so hard he almost had a headache. He felt like if someone looked at him, there would be steam coming out of his ears. 

What the hell is going on right now?

None of this was making sense, and he needed to figure out why. Surely someone knew what was going on. He had to find one of the others. Maybe this was some Minsung break up thing that was going on. 

With the same speed he last used to exit the building, Seungmin entered JYPE like a man on a mission. Because really, he was. He needed to figure out what was going on and fast. 

Seungmin walked through the company halls, looking for any indication that there would be someone he could talk to. He checked dance studios, bathrooms, break rooms. Anywhere he was allowed into, that he knew the others could be, he checked. 

Why he didn’t go straight to the meeting room he was apparently supposed to go to, he has no idea. But what he does know, is in the stylists room he found a very frantic looking Felix. 

Oh god, this isn’t good either, but maybe he’ll know something. 

Before Seungmin could say anything however, he was interrupted by a stylist yelling at the blonde boy who looked like he was going to cry on the spot. 

“Yongbok! How many times do I have to tell you that the finished outfits go over there! This is the pile for the outfits that need measured,” She snapped, clearly at the end of her rope. 

“I’m sorry miss,” Felix replies in English, quickly correcting himself in very uncertain Korean. “I mean, I’m sorry Seunbaenim, I keep getting the piles mixed up! I don’t mean to do it on purpose!” 

The stylist scoffs at him softly, clearly still irritated, but taking pity on the boy. 

“I understand that Yongbok-ssi, but you need to start getting it right. Otherwise we’ll have to let you go. You’ve been working here for too long to still get them confused.” She sighs, picking up the discarded outfits and putting them in the right pile. “You’re dismissed for the day, just… work on your Korean okay?” She adds on. 

“Yes Sunbaenim, thank you. I promise I won’t let you down.” Felix quickly assures, diving into a deep bow. 

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep Yongbok-ssi,” she says quietly, but even Seungmin still heard it. 

Which he is… even more confused than he had been moments prior. For starters, why does Felix seem to be struggling with Korean like he did as a trainee? And why was that stylist talking to him like he worked with her?

Yeah, Yongbok was known for his fashionable style, and his ability to style anything together, but he… doesn’t work with the stylists like that conversation just implied. 

Seungmin was brought out of his thoughts by Felix going to leave the room, and abruptly stopping at the sight of Seungmin standing in the doorway. 

“Seungmin-ssi!” Felix exclaims, dipping into a bow like the one he had done just moments prior. “I’m so sorry you had to…” He trails off, almost as if he wasn’t sure what the word he was looking for is. 

Staring at him as if he was a ghost, Seungmin just lets Felix work through the words in his brain because he himself has no words in his brain. 

“See that! Yeah that’s it! I’m so sorry you had to see that! Is there something I can help you with?” Felix asks, clearly proud of himself for figuring out the words on his own.

“Uh… no thank you, I was just… looking for someone.” Seungmin says, so confused he doesn’t even want to open the can of worms in front of him. 

“Oh! Well, it’s just Sunbaenim and I in here, so I don’t think they’re in this room!” Felix replies, cheerily, his upset from earlier practically gone. Or very well hidden. 

“It seems you’re right… Sorry to bother you Lix-ah, I mean… Yongbok-ssi. I’ll be going now…” He says hesitantly, backing out of the room as quickly as possible. 

“Goodbye Seungmin-ssi! Let us know if you need anything!” Felix replies, waving Seungmin off as he leaves. 

Okay seriously. What the fuck is going on. 

At this point Seungmin is starting to get worried. 

Jisung and Minho acting weird could be explained away as some weird soulmate drama thing they have going on, that can make sense. 

But Felix working as a stylist and acting like Seungmin was his superior? That doesn’t make any sense. 

Hell, even Minho acted as if he worked for Seungmin instead of with him. 

Genuinely, Seungmin was going to lose it. Did he hit his head last night? Or was it opposite day? Had the others all come together to make an elaborate prank against him for some reason?

Yeah he was a menace, but come on. This was surely too far right? 

Once again his thoughts were interrupted by someone, only this person was shouting at him from down the hall. 

“Yah! Kim Seungmin! ” The voice practically screamed, the noise reverberating off the walls.

If the voice wasn’t obvious enough to tell him who it was, the bleeding of Seungmin’s ears is.

“Seo Changbin, I have told you not to shout at me like that,” Seungmin remarks stubbornly, crossing his arms over his chest. 

At least this was normal. 

“Excuse me? Is that any way to speak to your elders?” Changbin replies, raising his eyebrow at Seungmin. 

One would think with how the rest of today has gone, Seungmin would have noticed this was different than the usual banter Changbin did. But alas, Seungmin was very poor at social cues. 

“Oh come on now, you know I’m your favorite. I get a pass, I never respect you.” Seungmin laughs, uncrossing his arms to lightly nudge the man in front of him. 

Usually, this would result in him being out in a headlock, something STAY chokes he enjoys immensely, that’s not something he’s going to ever confirm or deny. 

Instead of that happening however, Changbin raises both of his eyebrows and crosses his arms across his chest. 

“I don’t know where this sudden disrespect is coming from, but it needs to stop.” He states sternly, mumbling “Chan coddles you too much,” under his breath, rolling his eyes as he speaks. 

Seungmin bristles at the statement. “What?”

“Chan coddles you too much. Just because we took you on out of his self pity, does not mean you get to disrespect us, even if you’ve got an injury or had a bad day or whatever stupid reasoning you have.” Changbin spits with venom in his voice. 

This causes Seungmin to falter heavily. 

Changbin has never spoken to him this way before. He loves Seungmin dearly. He tells him all the time, it honestly gets annoying. 

So why was he acting like this now? This is a bit harsh, even for a prank. 

“Whatever, we don’t have time for this. I came to get you for the meeting. You’re late.” He adds, turning around and walking away, expecting Seungmin to follow but not really caring if he does. 

He does, because… what else is he supposed to do? This is still his job, even if something feels off. 

Walking with Changbin is tense to say the least. The elder won’t look at him for longer than a few seconds and every time he does, it’s with a scoff. Seungmin just shuffles along with him in silence. 

This is getting insane. I feel like I’m in some kind of alternate universe or something. 

Seungmin starts to recount the events of the day as he walks, in favor of ignoring the very tense environment surrounding him and Changbin. 

Jisung was way more on edge than normal, almost like how Seungmin has seen some STAY’s depict him in stories. He’d also acted like he lived with Seungmin which was impossible, because he lives with Minho hyung.

Minho had acted like he didn’t even know who Jisung was outside of a producer. Like he was someone Minho had to work for, along with Seungmin and that he despised it. Which isn’t that far off for Minho. 

Then there was Felix, who… seems to know even less Korean than he had as a teen, and was working for the stylists? For some reason? 

And now Changbin. Who is acting like just being in the very same room as Seungmin was the worst fate in the world. He had mentioned Chan coddling him… something that Seungmin wouldn’t disagree with. But what exactly did he mean by that?

No matter how much Seungmin wants to avoid it… He might honestly have to talk to Chan. 

As fate would have it, that conversation is about to happen within the next few minutes, whether Seungmin fought it or not. 

When Changbin and Seungmin rounded the corner that led to the meeting room, he could overhear Chan saying something to their management. He couldn’t necessarily make out what, but he could tell that Chan’s voice sounded… different. 

But Seungmin was not expecting what he saw when they entered the room. 

Chan looked fucking awful. 

To be fair, Chan could look questionable on a good day, that insomniac never sleeps. But currently, the person Seungmin was staring at was so different that if he hadn’t heard him speak, he wouldn’t know he was looking at his hyung. 

His hair was fried almost as bad as Felix’s was and then some. He had patches that looked like they were going to fall out as soon as you touched them. The bags under his eyes were so prominent, you would’ve thought they were a part of his Fendi ambassadorship. 

The main reason they stood out so bad was his complexion. 

He had always been one of the more pale members, but currently he was so pale he looked sickly. As if he had been consumed by the black plague and was on his last legs. If Seungmin were a bad man, he would joke that he was old enough to have been through the plague. 

If Changbin hadn’t been staring him down as he observed Chan, he would’ve. Deciding to try and stay on Changbin’s good? Side? He leaves the joke to himself. 

Yet, Chan seriously looked gaunt. His pale skin highlighting the bones in his cheeks, his jawline a lot sharper than normal. Even his usual muscles that Seungmin definitely doesn’t look at ever at all, were almost nonexistent. If Seungmin squinted enough, he would almost think that he had more muscle mass than Chan did. 

What the fuck? Surely this couldn’t have happened overnight. Seungmin needs to figure this out. 

“Seungmin-ah, are you going to sit down?” Chan asks, his voice gravely, as if he had just woken up, which he clearly hadn’t. 

This shocks Seungmin back into his body, scrambling to sit down with a slight bow and a, “Yes hyung, sorry hyung.”

Seungmin had never been so polite in his life, not towards Chan, not since the trainee days when that man scared the shit out of all of them. But something about this situation called for it. Whether it be the fact that Chan looked like a literal sheet of paper in front of him, one gust of wind away from flying or because of the outburst Seungmin had the day prior. 

“Anyways, apologies gwajan-nim, go on.” Chan says, encouraging their manager to go on, ignoring the fact that Seungmin was apparently late. 

Their manager did not. “As I was saying,” he spat, looking to the side at Seungmin to make sure he was aware how upset the other was. 

Trust him, Seungmin was very aware how upset everyone was. Their manager and Changbin especially. 

Chan however, was hard to read. All he could really get off the other was… exhaustion. It was almost as if that’s all he had to offer. Which was… kind of concerning. In his entire life as an idol, no matter how hard it’s been or whatever obstacle he faced, Seungmin had never seen Chan like this. 

Producing and performing were two of the biggest joys of Chan’s life. The things that kept him going. Even when those things knocked him down, after a little encouragement, he would get right back up and be thrilled to do so. 

This shell of Chan sitting in front of him looked like he would rather be anywhere else than here right now. Like the idea of doing this any longer was painful. 

Out of everything that had happened today, experiencing this version of Chan was the worst thing he had seen and the scariest. 

Seungmin worries about his hyung. Something deep in his gut tells him this isn’t real. That it’s some kind of prank or a nightmare or something, and yet he can’t help but worry about Chan. He wishes he could help somehow. Even though he knows he’s not the best help, he wishes he could do anything. 

Well, at least one thing is still the same. Seungmin is zoning out now just like he was at the meeting yesterday. It’s actually… scarily similar to how the meeting went yesterday. 

Minus the lack of certain members present, every topic Seungmin does catch, is exactly the same as yesterday. 

They even go into his injury and the Gov Ball performance. 

“As I'm sure you are all aware, Seungmin’s injury still requires a lot of rest and maintenance,”  their manager stated. “Thus, as we have previously discussed, we will be moving forward with announcing his lack of attendance at the Governors Ball.” 

Now what the hell. That is exactly what their manager said yesterday. Verbatim. Surely this won’t go the same way… it’s just a coincidence. Part of the prank or something. 

“With that being said, Seungmin, if you have no further comments or concerns, you are free to go for the day.” Their manager continued, the exact same way Seungmin swears he did the day before. 

This is insane. What… is going on. I have to be in a nightmare or something. What’s next Chan tells me to stay during the meeting again?

Only, he doesn’t tell him to stay. In fact, all of the members of the room look at him silently as if expecting him to leave… Oh. They do expect him to leave. No one is asking him to stay. 

He wanted this to happen yesterday, so why does it feel so suddenly bitter that it’s happening now?

Not wanting to waste anymore of their time, he bows with a quiet “Thank you,” and leaves the room as quickly as possible without causing a scene. 

It’s ironic, how similar Seungmin fleeing down the hallway is to yesterday. It’s like if Seungmin had gone to a circus, and looked into a fun-house mirror. Everything looking back at him looks like what he knows it to be, just slightly off. 

The day is running very similarly to yesterday, his members look like they should, but everything is just wrong.

At least he hasn’t run into any walls today, that’s a win against the absolute loss of sanity he’s experiencing. 

As if God himself, or someone writing the story that is his life, heard Seungmin and decided to spite him, he ran into another wall. 

Please let it be an actual wall again and not a person, I cannot keep running into people. 

The universe was not listening to his pleas. If it was, it has decided to take his pleas, laugh maniacally and throw them back in his face. For the wall he just ran into, was actually one Yang Jeongin. 

“Oh! I’m so sorry seongsaengnim! I didn’t see you there!” He says, bowing so deep Seungmin thought he was going to fall to the floor. 

Alright. Nope. There is no way in hell this is a prank. Jeongin would never willingly call Seungmin that. This is a nightmare. Simple. He just needs to go home and go to sleep, because pinching yourself never works, and this will be over. 

“No worries, Jeongin. It was an accident,” Seungmin assures, but the words feel like they’re sticking to the roof of his mouth like peanut butter. For some reason, he is handling this extremely calmly, but his body is screaming at him to do something. 

“I’m sorry seongsaengnim, do I know you? I don’t recognize you.” Jeongin questions, the words stabbing Seungmin in the heart in a way he had no idea they could. 

Seeing the others was hard, especially Chan, but this was torture. This was Jeongin. Their maknae. The only younger peer Seungmin had. Not being recognized by someone he cares for so deeply he would never let anyone know about it, is painful. 

He takes a deep breath. Hoping to take a shot in the dark and stop this where he’s at. 

“I hope you do… It’s me, Seungmin?” He hesitantly asks, pleading once again to the universe that he will be heard. 

“Oh right! The trainee that got let into 3Racha! I’ve heard so much about you, it’s an honor to meet you!” Jeongin says excitedly, before his phone starts ringing. “Oh shoot, I’ve got to go! I hope to see you around Seungmin-ssi!” He beams, his smile still as blinding as it was the day prior, before jogging down the hall. 

Seungmin stands there silently for a moment. 

This is insane. I don’t know how many times I can think that before it loses its meaning. 

Deciding not to think about it, like he does with practically everything that has been bothering him lately, Seungmin decides to just continue his journey home and to execute his plan to wake up from this nightmare. 

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

Fate seriously seems to have it out for him. 

Not only did Seungmin not wake up from whatever nightmare this is, things only seem to keep getting worse. 

That night he had gotten back to his dorm and went to enter the code that should’ve been right, but for some reason wasn’t. He entered every possible combination before giving up and texting Jisung to see if he knew. 

He was at the apartment last night, surely he knows. 

[ From J.One: 

It’s 1425… like it’s always been…

Maybe you should get some rest… I’m worried about you…

Gotta go… Changbin hyung is staring at me… ]

Why on Earth was Seungmin and Felix’s apartment code, Jisung and Minho hyungs birthday?

It didn’t matter. Seungmin had more important matters to attend to, which was to consume as much melatonin as humanly possible and safe, to then pass out and wake up from this nightmare. 

That was a couple days ago. Needless to say… the melatonin did not work, and instead just left him drowsy. 

Over the last couple of days Seungmin had struggled in ways he never knew he could. 

Gone were the worries about being a burden or his injury, they still sat in the back of his mind, and instead he was plagued by the stressful fog of this world brought him. 

Because that’s what this had to be surely. He wasn’t one to think about the logistics of other universes or aliens and things like that, since he had no proof one way or another about if they existed or not. 

Though, with the way things were going, they seemed a lot more likely than they had before. 

Changbin hated his guts, always mumbling under his breath about how Seungmin was a pity hire by the company, used to make Chan feel a lot better about himself, somehow. 

Seungmin doesn’t quite understand that line of thinking, but was too scared to ask for any more details. Sometimes Changbin looked like he genuinely wanted to strangle him, instead of as a joke and Seungmin did not want to mess with that. 

He already had a constant headache from figuring all this stuff out, and it also didn’t help that he for some reason is rooming with Jisung in this world. 

Not that Jisung was a bad roommate, but this Jisung was. 

The man wandered around the house on light feet, sneaking around in his own home as if he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Jisung had always had anxiety, even in what Seungmin is now deeming His Universe. But it was never this bad. 

One minute he’s shuffling from foot to foot in the kitchen, the next he’s running off into his room hyperventilating. And Seungmin feels awful, but he wasn’t good with this stuff in his universe, how is he going to help someone he doesn’t even know?

Anytime he even approaches the guy, he jumps ten feet in the air and then zones out as much as humanly possible. 

Genuinely, it was getting annoying more than it was concerning. This Jisung was like a cartoon character with a generalized anxiety disorder, comedically portrayed wrong to make fun of the condition. It was driving Seungmin insane. 

All he wanted was to be able to talk to either of the two without one of them ripping his head off or the other acting like he was gonna rip their head off. 

Then there was Felix and Jeongin. 

He hardly saw either of them anymore, their current careers led them to not be around literally anywhere Seungmin had to be. It was… kinda upsetting. 

For someone who hates physical contact unless he initiates it, he truly misses the nights Felix would sneak into his room and cuddles up to him in his bed. Missed the care he took to follow Seungmin’s routine and boundaries, but still got the contact he wanted. 

Or how Felix would sneak up behind them to hug them for no other reason than to do it. And how during practices of any kind he would find an excuse to lean his head against another's shoulder, or if he could tell the day was particularly hard, he would make them lay on his shoulder. 

Seungmin misses the way that Jeongin would laugh after anything he found even slightly funny, like when he would pinch one of the boys and run away like the young boy he still liked to embody. He may have been older, but he was still their youngest. 

The laugh could be annoying on a bad day, but Seungmin misses the way it sounded like he was a squeak toy when he breathed in, his eyes crinkling so tightly and his smile wide and bright. It was one of the best ways to catch him in his prime state. 

Hyunjin has only appeared in passing, Seungmin discovering that he was one of the company's make-up artists. 

Even though he hates to admit it, he misses watching Hyunjin do something so stupid it has everyone laughing and STAY calling him the leader of Paboracha. But he misses his creative genius even more. 

At least in this world he still got to express that through make-up, but Seungmin longs to see the moments where his intelligence shines in a way not everyone appreciates. Like how he can put paint to canvas and create the most breathtaking picture. 

But what he misses the most is Chan hyung. 

He’s seen the man everyday he’s been here so far, but he is just so vastly different to the Chan he has in his universe it hurts. Like a part of him feels like it's missing, without having his Chan right by his side. 

Thinking back to the last conversation he had with the man, Seungmin wants to cry. Which is not an easy feat for him. But thinking about the fact he told Chan he wanted him to stop suffocating him, when all the man was doing was caring sucks. 

Seungmin misses the way that you could go to Chan for literally anything and everything, his door always being open. Even if he was struggling he would try to help, which Seungmin hated, but in this moment it would be his saving grace. 

He should’ve told him what he was feeling from the start. Chan would’ve understood. He would’ve helped. Seungmin needs help so badly right now and he can’t get it. He needs Chan. 

If anyone commented on how Seungmin was so reliant on the leader, he would’ve denied it relentlessly. But without Chan, Seungmin and the others would be lost. He was their rock and Seungmin lost him in the river. 

Eeyuck. Too sentimental. I am not going to get emotional over a man. No thank you. 

As much as he wants to cry about his situation right now, all of it just piling up onto him in a way he usually would ignore, he can’t. He needs to figure out how to get home quickly. 

He needs help. But who can he go to about this? 

The most logical option in Seungmin’s mind is Hyunjin. Maybe this universe's Hyunjin will have a knack for science or something, instead of poetry like his Hyunjin. 

Unfortunately for him, this Hyunjin is the only one who is the most similar to himself in this universe to his own than any of the others.

“So what you’re saying is, we aren’t acting like how you think we are supposed to?” Hyunjin asks, twisting a make-up brush in his hand. 

“Yes Hyunjin,” Seungmin sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “That is what I said the last four times you asked it.”

“Well I’m just making sure you know!” Hyunjin defends, throwing his hands up in the air and throwing the make-up brush with it with a small “Oops.”

STAY has it all wrong about his Hyunjin. He is actually a very smart man, but this Hyunjin was the true leader of Paboracha. 

After picking up the brush, Hyunjin continues the conversation, “Have you considered that maybe we are an alternate version of the us you are used to? Like a different reality kind of deal?” He asks. 

Seungmin sighs even deeper this time. This was a stupid idea, he is getting nowhere. 

“Yes I have. Just put in a more eloquent way.” Seungmin replies. 

“So…” Hyunjin drawls. “Why are you here?”

Honestly I don’t know why I’m here in this room or this universe. 

“I don’t know Hyunjin, that's literally the whole point.” He retorts, crossing his arms over his chest to shoot the other a look that hopefully expresses his upset. 

If it does, Hyunjin doesn’t seem to care. “Maybe the universe is trying to teach you some sort of life lesson! Like wearing your seatbelt! Do you wear your seatbelt Seungmin-ssi?” He asks, excited as if he may have cracked the code so simply. 

The headache he’s had for days sent a throbbing pain through his skull. This was one of the dumbest things he has ever done. 

“I don’t think the universe is trying to tell me to wear my seatbelt, Hyunjin.” He snarks. 

“Hmm, maybe not. But maybe it’s something similar! You should think about it!” Hyunjin says, not off put at all by the energy Seungmin is sending his way. Instead, he finishes the conversation and goes back to cleaning make-up tools. 

It isn’t until Seungmin makes it back to his dorm, if he can really call it his, that he realizes Hyunjin might be on to something. 

Okay. If this is like one of those cheesy movies, then he’s right. They want to teach me a life lesson. But what on earth are they trying to teach me? 

Seungmin lays flops onto his bed and thinks about the past couple of days. Even considers the time before he had gotten here to begin with. 

Nothing is clicking. No ideas are coming to mind. It all makes no sense. 

I just want to go home. Where I belong. Is that too much to ask for? 

Finally something clicks together in Seungmin’s brain. Like the puzzle pieces had somehow placed themselves together. And he wanted to scream. Or slap himself in the face. 

“No fucking way that’s the life lesson. Am I seriously here because of my low self esteem?” He voices aloud, not even caring if Jisung might hear him. The other wouldn’t say anything to begin with. 

This is seriously like one of those cheesy movies Yongbok and Hyunjin like to watch. You’re telling me I am stuck here because I don’t like myself?

“Okay well, then I like myself okay! I have learnt my lesson? I’m not as much of a burden as I thought I was?” Seungmin speaks out into the universe, hoping that maybe if he speaks it aloud it will work. 

Other than his lights flicking for some reason, nothing happens. 

Maybe I just… need to go to sleep. That’s how it happened the first time. I had a spiral and then I went to sleep. 

He repeats the same steps he took to get here, minus spiraling, in hopes that he would finally get to go home. 

Only for him to wake up the next morning, run out of his bedroom and see the same anxious Jisung sitting at their kitchen table he had the past week and a half. 

Surely that was it! Why didn’t I go home. 

Seungmin genuinely felt like he was losing his mind. He was losing hope. Part of him was resigned to the fact that maybe this was his new home. 

In a last ditch effort to do something, Seungmin goes to the last person he wants to talk to in his universe, but the first person he should’ve approached in this one. 

Chan. 

If there is one thing Seungmin is confident in, it's that this Chan is just as wise as his. 

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

Approaching the studio doors, Seungmin takes a deep breath and hopes that no one else is in there. He would like to keep his head, thank you very much Changbin. 

Someone in the universe was starting to hear his prayers, because Chan was in fact sitting in the studio all alone. But he looked… out of it. 

“Chan hyung?” Seungmin calls out hesitantly, not quite sure how to approach both the subject or the man in front of him. 

Chan just hums to announce that he heard Seungmin, and gestures for him to come into the studio. 

He does, choosing to sit on the pleather couch they have behind the seat Chan was currently sitting in. 

Seungmin watches as he messes with a few things on the computer in front of him, probably saving files and finishing up the track he was working on. When he was done, he turned his chair to face him. 

“What’s up, Seungmin?” Chan asks, a tired smile painted on his face. 

“I wanted… to ask you something I guess? I don’t really know…” Seungmin says, all of the words he had in his head gone as soon as he started speaking. 

“Go for it. Whatever’s troubling you, I’m happy to try and help.” Chan replies earnestly, the way he always would even back home. 

This is why I should’ve started here. When in doubt, go to Chan hyung. 

“I just…” He trails off, picks at the skin on his fingernails. Chan looks like he wants to stop him, his Chan would have, but he lets him do whatever he needs to. Seungmin takes a deep breath. 

“Have you ever felt like… You didn’t belong somewhere? Like you were… I don’t know… a burden or something?” Seungmin pushes the words out as fast as he can, but it still comes out at a snail's pace. If he was at home, he probably wouldn’t even be here, not willingly at least. 

Chan’s face morphs into one of pity and understanding, almost as if Seungmin had opened an old wound all over again. 

He laughs lightly. “Of course I have, who hasn’t?” He asks rhetorically, going on before Seungmin can even answer. “I feel it all the time actually.”

“Really?” Seungmin questions, completely shocked. 

Remember this isn’t your Chan. 

But does he feel the same way?

“Of course Seungmin-ah. It’s kind of hard not to, especially in this industry.” He explains, leaning back in his chair. “The world is man eat man, and in this line of work, you want to be at the top of the food chain. You’re constantly comparing yourself to others, and sometimes… that makes you doubt yourself. Even if you were the most confident person in the world. You’re bound to doubt yourself sometime.” He continues, looking at Seungmin with so much empathy and sadness in his eyes. 

Seungmin… never really thought about it like that. He had always just assumed he felt that way because he was supposed to. That his friends treated him horribly for a reason, and it was the lesson he needed to learn in order to thrive in the world. He was lesser, he needed to act that way. 

“How do you… stop feeling that way?” He quietly asks, looking down at his hands in his lap. 

This causes Chan to huff out what is supposed to be a laugh, but comes out softer and more self-deprecating than anything. 

“Honestly… I wish I could tell you Min. I haven’t figured it out myself.” He replies, sighing after he speaks. “Most people tell you to find the right group of people or something I think. That one of the best ways to feel like you belong, is to find the place where you do. To me it sounds like bullshit, but maybe it can help you.” Chan says dully, like he’s lost all hope. 

“Haven’t you found the place you belong, Chan hyung?” Seungmin asks genuinely, wondering why he feels the way he does. They’ve still debuted here, he gets to do what he loves, what is he missing?

The laugh Chan lets out this time is completely void of humor, as if he just needed to make a noise to get the feeling out of his chest. 

“I wish Min, I really wish. I love what I do, don’t get me wrong. But there’s just something that's missing. It’s been missing since we debuted nine years ago. When you joined five years into that, I had hoped the feeling would go away. It hadn’t…” He admits sadly, looking at Seungmin sadly. “Not to say you aren’t wonderful company. I just don’t think I’m meant to feel whole and I’ve accepted that.”

“You can’t say that! Surely you feel better being around 3Racha right?” Seungmin questions, not believing that someone can feel so lost surrounded by their closest friends. 

“Seungmin, the human mind does not work in logical ways. Ever.” Chan starts seriously. “I love you and the boys dearly, but there is still something missing. Just because I have you guys, doesn’t mean my struggles just magically go away. And since you’re here right now, I think you feel the same, hmm?” 

That shocks Seungmin into silence. Because Chan is right. 

During the entirety of his time in Stray Kids, especially when he was injured, he felt like nothing but a burden. Felt like he was missing some puzzle piece that helped him belong. That no matter how hard he tried, he would still stand out somehow. 

It’s not exactly like what this Chan is feeling, but it is very similar. 

Chan hyung here feels like he is missing something, no matter how loved and cared for he is. Seungmin feels like he is a burden, no matter how much his boys tell him he’s not. 

The human brain is cruel, and no matter how obvious the truth is, you truly can never convince it to believe something other than what it wants to. Not without a lot of work. 

But who says you have to do that work alone? 

“Did that help you?” Chan asks after a moment of silence, letting the cogs turn in Seungmin’s head. 

“Yeah. Yeah I think it did. Thanks, Chan hyung.” Seungmin says honestly, standing up to leave the studio and go back to his apartment. 

“Anytime Seungmin-ah. I hope you can figure it out.” Chan replies, turning back in his chair to face the desk and continue the track he was working on. 

He thinks he already has. 

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

Arriving back at the dorm, Seungmin follows the same steps he had a couple nights ago. He goes into his room, grabs his clothes and gets ready for bed. 

Hopping into the shower, calmly this time, and he goes through his routine. Then once he’s done, he dries off and heads back to his bedroom to get in bed. 

He lays down and thinks about the conversation he had with Chan hyung, or this universe's Chan. 

Seungmin feels like a burden. He has since he was young. This was something he’s known for a very long time, but constantly ran away from. 

No matter how fast he ran though, it would always catch up to him at some point, and he would have a really bad episode that could last from a couple hours to a week, then the cycle would repeat. 

Because of this, he convinced himself he shouldn’t ask for help. He was able to function like an adult, so why wouldn’t he? Asking for help was a sign of weakness and inconvenienced the person he asked. 

That wasn’t necessarily true though was it?

This Chan had said that the human brain didn’t work logically, even if that was its purpose. So anything that his brain didn’t want to believe, it wouldn’t. 

His mother and friends – the genuine ones – had told him constantly that the people who genuinely care for you, will show it. Those who don’t, aren’t worth the time of day and neither is the worry that everyone will treat you that way. 

“You can’t live life in fear of being betrayed, Seungmin-ah. Living in fear, means you aren’t really living at all. We’ll always have your back, no matter what, okay? Live with us day by day and we’ll turn your fear into perseverance.” 

That’s something his Chan had told him as a trainee, when he was worried they weren’t going to debut after they had lost Minho and Felix. He was devastated, and figured they were next. His brain had told him there was no point going on, because they were going to face the same fate. 

Chan had given him that reassurance, and at the time he listened. Now they debuted as a group and he couldn’t be happier about that fact. Even with his insecurities. 

If Seungmin thought hard enough about it, looking for any sign that he had ever actually bothered any of the others he would see there are none. Thinking back on his time with them, they have never once acted like he was a problem. 

Being in this universe showed him signs of what that would actually look like, especially through Changbin and Jisung. Those two here were extremely bothered by him for different reasons. 

Changbin was bothered because of anger and Jisung was bothered because of fear. 

The others here weren’t bothered by Seungmin, but they had no idea who he even was. That didn’t really seem to affect them, unless he considered the butterfly effect but that wasn’t the point right now. His other friends seemed to be okay without him, but he wasn’t okay without them. 

For once in his life, Seungmin considered being selfish.Yet, maybe it was actually selfish to keep his doubts of his friends to himself in the first place. They deserve the right to defend themselves. To let them have a chance to help him figure it out. 

Seungmin knows that nothing will change overnight. 

No matter how positive his mindset is right now or the amount of self work he does in the future. He will still always struggle with the voices in the back of his head. 

Maybe that was okay. 

When the voices got loud, he just needed to ask for help. To go to someone and tell them what was going on. He needed to stop running and start fighting. And he knew exactly how to start. 

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

Seungmin wakes up in his bed with a nervous energy he hasn’t felt in a long time. 

Please let this have worked. 

He goes to get up when his hand brushes against the Game Boy he has slept next to for the past week. Only, for the first time since that first night, it shocks him again. 

Reacting the same way he had the first time, Seungmin hisses out an “Ow!” Before realization dawns on him. 

It hasn’t done that since the beginning. Does that mean…

Not even giving a second to question it, he sprints out of his room and into the kitchen in hopes to see a certain blonde. 

Rounding the corner to their kitchen, Seungmin could drop to his knees in joy. 

There sitting at their kitchen table, was a very rumpled Yongbok who had clearly just woken up. He had a blanket wrapped around him like a jacket, his face slightly swollen, and his eyes barely open. 

Seungmin has never been happier to see his roommate in his life. 

“Oh my god, Felix!” He shouts, running to the man and throwing him into a bone crushing hug. Felix lets out a small noise at the impact. 

Surprised as he may be, Felix doesn’t hesitate for a moment before he wraps his arms around those that are squeezing him so tightly. “Good morning to you too, Minnie.” He laughs softly, his voice a deep rumble that Seungmin missed dearly.

“I missed you so much, you have no idea Felix.” Seungmin says, his excitement at being home so prominent he forgets that the other wouldn’t have the slightest idea what he meant. 

Luckily for him, Felix is literally a ray of Sunshine when it comes to those he loves, so he just squeezes back with a, “I missed you too pup,” and leaves any confusion he might have to the side. If there’s one thing he’s best at, it’s understanding. 

The two of them sit there for a while, neither one feeling the need to separate anytime soon. Which knowing Felix is normal. He would stay glued to the boys' sides if he could. 

Eventually Seungmin calms down enough to separate from the man in front of him, though for the first time in a while, it feels heartbreaking to leave the embrace. 

“Thank you, Bok-ah.” He says honestly.  

“Of course Minnie, I’m always here for you okay? I love you,” Felix responds just as earnestly. 

And the voices in Seungmin’s head are still whispering in the back of his skull, telling him that he’s bothering Felix somehow, but staring at the radiant smile the other is giving him, he lets the voices fade into the back of his mind. 

For the first time, hopefully one of many, Seungmin was able to take the words and believe them. 

Seungmin hums in response, squeezing Felix’s arm in a show of saying the same thing. Before realizing that he has to talk to Chan. He is extremely glad he ran into Felix, but that was not the blonde Australian he needed to see right now. 

“I’ve gotta run, I’ll be back later okay Lix?” He calls out, already on his way out the door, not even bothering to change out of his pajamas. 

One of the perks of living on the same floor as your friends is, they’re your only neighbors so you don’t have to look decent. Even though Seungmin would usually fight someone on that, right now he could care less. He’s got a mission to accomplish. 

Speedwalking down to the end of the hall, why did he have to live at the end of the hall? Seungmin approached the door to Chan and Jeongin’s apartment, entering the code instead of knocking. 

They gave us the code for a reason right? 

Opening the door and taking his shoes off in the doorway, he passes by the living room in which he sees a shirtless Jeongin. Ugh. Why did Chan have to influence the maknae. 

“Seungmin hyung? What are you doing here?” The shirtless boy asked, a tilt to his head as he spoke. 

“I need to talk to Chan hyung, I’ll explain later.” Seungmin replies, not even bothering to stop walking into the dorm. 

Going through the halls, he reaches the last door which thankfully is open, just like he expected it to be. 

This time he decides to knock, he can be civil even in his determined excitement. 

“Come in! I told you Jeongin you don’t have to– Oh! Hey Seungmin, what’s up?” Chan says, expecting his roommate instead of the fluffy haired boy standing in front of him. 

He seems as if he forgot about the conversation the other day? Week? Before, and is still just as happy to see Seungmin as he would have been any other time. 

I’m going to squish him one day. Okay. Where did that come from? 

Entering the room, Seungmin goes to sit on Chan’s unmade bed, the other looking embarrassed since he probably wasn’t expecting guests, let alone the all tidy and mighty Seungmin. 

He does not care. There are more important matters for him to address and if he doesn’t do it now, he never will. Then everything is just going to regress back to the way it was and…

“Seungmin?” Chan asks hesitantly, looking at the other the same way he had at the meeting prior. 

“Hyung, I'm sorry.” He starts, the moment he opens his mouth, the words start pouring out of him. “I am so sorry for how I acted yesterday. You guys don’t suffocate me. I don’t want you guys to leave me alone. Ever. Please bother me all the time actually. Well– not all the time, I do still need some time to myself, but please don’t leave me alone. I really need you guys and I didn’t realize that until recently and I’ve been having a really rough time lately and…” He rambles, not stopping to take a breath. 

The other sits there in shock and worry the faster Seungmin starts to ramble, the words becoming jumbled together the more he speaks.

“Woah, Min. Take a breath yeah? Where is this coming from?” Chan steps in, reaching forward like he wants to physically hold Seungmin somehow. 

And Seungmin does too, so instead of letting Chan take his time, he grabs the elder’s hand and holds it in his own as an anchor. 

“Hyung. I didn’t mean to snap at you yesterday. I’ve just been so overwhelmed with my injury lately. I didn’t know how to handle it. So… I didn’t. I ran away like I always do. But in my attempt to run away from my issues… I ran away from you guys.” He explains, looking down at their connected hands. 

Chan follows his line of sight, but gives his hand a squeeze in response. 

“What do you mean Seungmin-ah?” He asks lightly, trying to let the other explain his thoughts. 

Seungmin takes a deep breath. He already took the jump, now he needs to fall. 

“Lately, well… my whole life actually… I’ve always felt like… I was a burden.” Seungmin starts, pausing in between his sentences. 

Looking at him as if he had kicked his puppy all over again, Chan squeezed their hands together one more time, lazily tracing shapes against the back of Seungmin’s hand. 

It made Seungmin want to laugh and burst into tears all at once. 

“With my condition, I’ve had to rely on a lot of people… My entire life. I’ve had a lot of people take advantage of that… And I never really got over that…” He continues, squeezing Chan’s hand this time. “So when I found out I couldn’t perform with you guys… It really struck a nerve… It felt as if… I wasn’t an important part of the group anymore, like I was just in the way. So… I tried to close off, and I ended up snapping at you. Which I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry.” He finishes, looking away from both Chan and his hands. 

He doesn’t get to look away for long, because suddenly Chan’s hand is leaving his own and instead cupping his face gently and turning it gently towards him again.  

Keeping his hand there, but leaving a good distance, Chan smiles at Seungmin as if he held the stars up in the sky. 

Eugh gross. I hate this guy. I hate him so much. 

“Seungmin, you are never a burden. Not to me, not to the others, not to anyone. You never have been.” He starts, looking him in the eyes as he speaks. “I know how hard it is not to feel that way, trust me I do, but I promise you with every fiber of my being Kim Seungmin, you are so much more than you give yourself credit for.”

Okay. He doesn’t actually hate this guy. But he’s about too. What the fuck is that? What was that?

“Hyung…” Seungmin breathes, not really sure what to say in response to that. 

How does one respond to such an important declaration, when your brain is still screaming at you that the person is lying?

“I know you won’t believe me right away, and that’s okay. The others and I will be here the whole time okay? Do you remember what I told you as a trainee?” Chan asks. 

Seungmin rolls his eyes fondly, because he remembers that moment very well. 

“We’ll always have your back, no matter what, okay? Live with us day by day and we’ll turn your fear into perseverance,” He starts, but he wouldn’t be Kim Seungmin if he didn’t tease the man in front of him. “Then I think you added something like, I’ll always protect you from everybody and got really emotional or something,” He adds, smirking as he knows his hyung hates when they bring that concert up. 

“Yah! You know that is not the same moment okay! God when will you guys drop that? It’s embarrassing.” Chan laughs, his ears turning a bright red at the call out. 

“I don’t know hyung, maybe when you stop giving us such good reactions about it.” Seungmin teases, laughing gently at the elder. 

“Ah, so never then.” Chan replies, laughing along with Seungmin. 

The two fall into a comfortable silence, Chan still holding Seungmin’s face gently in his hand as he rubs his cheek. 

He quickly looks down, and glances back up at Seungmin’s eyes before opening his mouth. Yet before he can say anything, he quickly closes it. Like he’s not sure if he should say what he’s thinking. 

Seungmin is going to kill him if he doesn’t. 

“Go ahead, hyung,” He encourages. 

Chan laughs nervously, taking his hand from Seungmin’s face and grabbing the end of his ear in embarrassment. His ears are the color of a stop sign at this point, and they seemed like they would only get redder. 

“I’m not… really sure if now is the time to say this or not… And it’s okay if not! Or if you don’t feel the same! We can totally forget this conversation happened or talk about it later or–” Chan was the one to start rambling now, and Seungmin the one to cut him off. 

“Chan. Breathe,” He repeats the words that were said to him not too long ago, the other breathing a light laugh in response. “Whatever it is, just say it, okay?” He encourages. “As long as you don’t say anything embarrassing like you ripped your pants in public again, I promise I won’t laugh.”

“Seungmin… I…” Chan starts stalling again, but the raise of Seungmin’s eyebrows moves him forward. “I love you… More than I probably should… I mean I love you all! And you all are so special to me and it’s not like you’re extra special but you are and I really care about you and–” The rambling starts once more. 

This time, to shut him up, Seungmin grabs Chan’s face like he had moments prior, only with a bit more force this time. He closes his eyes and leans forward just enough for their lips to brush, waiting for Chan to get the message. 

Short-circuiting Chan stops talking, but doesn’t start moving either. Instead, Seungmin closes the gap and waits for Chan’s brain to click back into gear. When it does, he melts into the kiss as if all the weight of the world was finally off of his shoulders. 

If this is the way to get his hyung to stop feeling so responsible all the time, maybe he would do it more often. 

“Ew gross! Get a room you guys!” Jeongin shouts, having been curious what was taking so long and interrupting the two kissing. 

The two pull apart quickly, Seungmin laughing like the little shit he was, Chan blubbering like a fish out of water. His cheeks were just as red as his ears were now. 

“This is literally my room Jeongin! What else do you want us to do?” Chan defends, trying to take the attention off of himself somehow. 

“I don’t know! Close the door? Let me know before you two start making out? Anything to save these baby browns from burning.” Jeongin shouts, absolutely scandalized at the aspect of his youngest hyung and oldest hyung kissing in his presence. 

“Well I didn’t know it was going to happen! Also we weren’t even making out!” Chan shouts back, his pitch rising. 

“Whatever. Just. Don’t do it again,” Jeongin said before storming off down the hall. 

Waiting for the sound of his bedroom door to close, Seungmin and Chan fall into a pile of laughs as soon as they know Jeongin is gone. 

“That was… something,” Chan nervously says, fiddling with his ear once more. 

“Always count on Jeongin to keep things interesting. I think Hyunjin has influenced his dramatics too much,” Seungmin huffs, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“So… what do we do now? I feel like I completely took over your moment, I’m so sorry.” Chan apologizes, his nervous energy so palpable it gave Seungmin flashbacks to other Jisung. 

“For now, I think we call a family meeting and all get together. They deserve to know how I’ve been feeling. Then we should have a movie night or something fun, it’s been a while since we’ve done that.” Seungmin replies, knowing that everyone should have the day off. If it was the day he thought it was. 

“I think that’s a great idea,” Chan agrees, smiling up at Seungmin. 

Things weren’t perfect. There was a lot that needed to be talked about, by everyone, and there were even things Seungmin himself needed to figure out. But maybe, just maybe… things would be okay. 

⋆˙⟡🖳🌏︎🖳⋆˙⟡

A couple days later Seungmin found himself watching the promotion video for their newest album with the rest of the guys, the final product being sent for review months before release. Even though he wasn’t in it, he still got to watch it.

“Hello everyone, we are back… with our new album,” 

What? That’s odd, Chan never starts a video intro without the typical group introduction.

He wasn’t the only one who thought so, Minho and Hyunjin both recovering from the embarrassment of almost saying the usual script. Seungmin cackles at the slip up of not only those two, but Jeongin and Felix subtly playing it off as well. 

Those losers, thinking that Chan was going to say something he didn’t.

“Yah! Don’t laugh at us Kim Seungmin,” Minho scolded, swatting at the younger from across the table.

“I can’t help that you look like a fool, hyung.” Seungmin snarks back, still giggling like a maniac. 

“To be fair though, it’s not our fault Channie hyung didn’t stick to the usual intro.” Felix chimed in, always promoting both sides of the situation. Not for justice reasons, no he was purely a menace who liked causing chaos on all accounts. 

“Yeah, why did you change the script?” Jisung questioned, his curiosity getting the better of him.

“He probably forgot because of his old age,” Jeongin quipped, snickering at the immediate look he got from across the table. 

Seungmin had taught their maknae well. 

“Ignoring that rude and uncalled for comment,” Chan started, pointedly easing his eyebrows at Jeongin before looking away. “I simply didn’t do it because Seungmin wasn’t there.” 

Did he hear that right? Chan didn’t do the intro because? Seungmin wasn’t present?

“Okay?” Jeongin drawled, not quite ready to let the teasing go, “But why?” He asked again.

“Because we’re not Stray Kids without all of us. So without Seungmin there, I didn’t feel comfortable saying the intro.” Chan explained, speaking as if it was the easiest thing in the world. 

“Whipped,” Jeongin scoffed, pretending to fake gag afterwards. 

“I am not, that is a perfectly logical explanation,” he defended, the tips of his ears turning bright red as he spoke. “Also watch it maknae-yah, respect your elders.” 

Jeongin rolled his eyes, but before he could speak a louder voice broke through the conversation.

“Hey! You didn’t do that when I was on hiatus! How is that fair! I’m important also!” Hyunjin screeched, his distress prominent as he crossed his arms in a pout. 

“Or when Yen- Yongbok was out on injury!” Changbin added, once again mixing up Felix and Jeongin. 

“Yen?! Yen?! Quit calling me Jeongin, I’m clearly Felix!” The blonde snapped, jokingly outraged at the concept of being confused with Jeongin once more.

“No Yongbok-ah, listen, it was an accident! You guys are just so important to me you’re like one person!” Changbin defended, immediately doing a kissy face towards Felix in hopes to clear his name. 

Seungmin looked around at the chaos before him, the previous topic being long forgotten as the members squabbled with each other. 

Locking eyes with Chan, he saw a love so genuine it made him sick. 

And yet, he knew that if he looked at himself in the mirror, it would be reflected right back at him.

Yeah. Who was he kidding, he loved those guys and they loved him too. How could he ever doubt that? 

Things will be just fine.