Work Text:
When I saw the Disability Fic prompt, I immediately knew I wanted to give someone a tic disorder. It's something I've struggled with for a while.
My main problem was actually figuring out who I was going to have get a tic disorder. The constraints of BOBO is that you can only submit one fic for each prompt. So first I had to narrow it down.
I had some fun ideas for each character and how it could affect each person. I thought about Kristen Applebees getting one, as people with tics that also are religious are often called "People with devils in them" which her parents could use to convince themselves that their daughter wasn't a real chosen one. I also had ideas for Evan Kelmp (again, with a "demons inside of you" ideas) with him losing his demons but still dealing with having tics. Other honorable mentions were Andhera, Ludmila, and Fig.
Eventually, I kind of compiled all the names into a wheel, I didn't even add Adaine to the list, but once I spun it, I realized I wanted to write Adaine.
The next challenge was deciding what type of tic disorder to give her. There's many different types. I didn't want to give her chronic motor tics, I just personally am bad at writing characters doing things (I have aphantasia). I did still want her to have motor tics though, so I ruled out chronic vocal tics. I also didn't want to give her provisional/transient tic disorder, as that would have her getting over her tics, which was a Hell Naw in the prompt.
So all that was left was Tourette's syndrome. Of course, after that was figuring out which actual symptoms she had, the tics themselves, and how to describe them. There were moments where I wanted to give Adaine Coprolalia and Copropraxia, the cursing and inappropriate tics, which could add a good extra zing from her parents, but ultimately decided against it for multiple reasons. I thought, most Tourette's representation is people cursing, when it doesn't even make up 25% of people with Tourette's, and also I have both of those, and writing them will trigger mine, which are loud and would disrupt my roommates.
After that, I gave her Echo's, Echolalia (vocal tics that copy others), Echopraxia (motor tics that copy others), and Echoskepsi (mental tics that copy others), and wanted to give her the Pali's as well (the involuntary copying of your own actions/words).
After deciding what types of tics to give her, I had to actually decide the actual tics. Some of her tics are based on mine, which isn't the best for me, the writer, as thinking about tics make them worse. But most aren't mine, and are just common tics like clearing her throat or grunting. The "Squeem" you see is actually an echolalia tic, and it would probably go away after a few days, which is part of the reason they wanted her home.
Her parents hadn't noticed it for a few months, choosing to believe that was just disobedience over a disability.
Actually starting the fic, I was torn between just putting you in the Night Yorb summer, but I also had wanted to bring up her parents hatred for these tics. There was previously a whole scene I had cut of little 9 year old Adaine trying to ask for salt at the table while her parents tell her that they would only give it to her if she "acted normal." Which would cause her to learn to suppress early. It adds a layer to her parents favoritism towards Aelwyn, and also adds a layer to Adaine's anxiety disorder. The anxiety makes tics worse, the tics make her anxiety worse, it's a really nasty cycle once you're in it.
Being forced to suppress her tics during her test had ruined her chances of getting into Hudol, plus the added stress of dealing with the repercussions at home.
I also wanted to tie her tics into some canon things, like not getting into Hudol. So I ended up landing on suppression gone on too long. Some people can suppress for a little bit, but probably not for an entire standardized test. Tics cause a disruptive environment for other kids, so Adaine would be asked to leave without finishing her test, resulting in a failure.
But first, she wanted to grab that book about the elven oracle from the library. If she could just stay quiet long enough to get that book.
I also figured in canon, since she's caught stealing the book, being caught because of her tics would add something to the scene. I actually checked if mage hand was a concentration spell, because I wanted her tics to disrupt her concentration, resulting in her losing the spell, and causing a ruckus that would get her found by Goldenhoard. Of course, mage hand is not, sadly, so I had to make it work. I had to make it an obviously loud and disruptive tic, which also would have to exist for the rest of the fic, as tics are normally not one time phrases.
"You can't have that in h- ughhhh- in here…" Adaine looked at the tiefling, cocking her head to the side. "Miss…"
"Fig. And what was that? Are you making fun of me?"
I also wanted to add her meeting the bad kids and some of them taking small offense to some tics, as that can be pretty common, although it's more common with obscene tics, but things like her disgusted noise (which is what her "ugh" tic is, it's paired with an eye roll if you were wondering). Especially with Fig still grappling with the fact that she is a tiefling, and she inwardly might have lingering feelings of inadequacy that she feels Adaine could be seeing and mocking her about.
"Do you need Helio to heal you? With your… whatever thing you have going on?"
"oh um… I don'- ughhhh- I don't think that'll help, thank you though."
Kristen being a sheltered kid that probably hasn't met many disabled people and is very much that stereotypical devout follower of Helio, and many religious people do have a "pray it away" mentality, which we saw glimpses of in Freshman Year with her coming to terms with the fact that she's gay.
Onto the Night Yorb summer. I thought about a couple different settings before I decided on the Night Yorb Summer. I was considering the nightmare forest for a while, and then I thought about a post canon/senior year event. In the end, I decided against the Nightmare forest for the canon in it, and against post canon just because I'm not great at creating completely new ideas.
"Adaine, Are you sure you want to do this?"
I had known from when I picked the prompt that I wanted her to have a left out of adventure type of storyline, which was one of the things mentioned in the prompt. Of course, the best way to do that would be to have her dropped off at the house. I originally had them all be in mordred manor, before I remembered that they traveled in the hangvan for the entire summer, so I quickly backtracked that and made them be in the van.
There were definitely moments I wanted her to have self injurous tics in the scenes (in my mind she had them anyways I just didn't write it.) With being in a confined space like the van while having physical tics, she's bound to get hurt, which added to the reasoning behind dropping Adaine off at home especially with the start of a tic attack.
"I'm fine."
Of course, I wanted Adaine to be against the idea, as it seems in her character to want to be needed, which could come from her parents dislike of her. Adaine has always struck me as a "I am normal fuck you" type of character, even with her panic attacks/anxiety disorder, and I wanted to try to channel that into her pleading to stay on the mission. In her mind that's them treating her differently, even though she may need it.
Jawbone sat next to her on the couch, surrounding her with pillows so she couldn't hurt herself and timing how long her tic attack lasted.
I figured Jawbone helping Adaine would be a nice little thing to add, I thought about making that scene longer, With Jawbone helping her as much as he could, even with her injurous tics. Considering him helping her with her anxiety in freshman year, I thought it would have been sweet to expand on that. But I couldn't do that without triggering my own tics in the process, so I had to stop that line.
Speaking of, writing about tics, as a person with a tic disorder, is it's own problem. Most of the rough draft of this fic just had "I don't wan- [tic] - want to be on meds for the rest of my life… I just- [tic] - want to be like you guys." Which made my job much easier, as I could write as much as I could at once, and then just go back and fill in the spaces when I was done. It also helped for the little bit of time that I was still deciding on what tics she would have. I actually have an entire list of tics I think she would have, some of which were never mentioned in the Fic.
For actually writing the tics, choosing when a tic happened was kind of willy nilly, for lack of better words. I knew the frequency for some sections, like her pleading to be on the mission, but actually planning where a tic ended up being was randomized, like in real life. I will say, the good thing about tics is that you don't have to only put it on certain letters, like stutters. Tic's don't care if you're talking or not, they just happen.
Overall, I really enjoyed writing this fic. I like to think i put alot of thought into it, and the added bonus of tic disorder rep was really nice for me. I wanted didn't necessarily have a large thesis, but overtime, I realized it was just being able to find your limits and work within them. I really hope that it came across well!