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Izuku was having a god-awful day. Not even a single day, hell, his entire week had been horrible. He couldn’t even bring himself to pay attention to Mineta’s endless questions, giving subdued answers as his mind whirled with thoughts.
Eri was, first and foremost, at the top of his mind. The entire scene was playing in his head. Her terrified crimson eyes as he stroked her hair, her small body trembling. The bandages on her arms that had a faint stench of blood, that surely meant she was in a bad situation.
And he had left her.
He had fucking left her, let the child go back to her abuser. It didn’t matter that Mirio had been the one to stop him, it had been him that let her go, letting a terrified child go back to her hell. He knew she was in a bad situation, even though he still had no proof, and had let her slip from his clutches.
The other situation ringing through his mind was just as bad, swirling through his thoughts. All Might and Nighteye. Hero and sidekick who had fallen apart over the last 6 years, their relationship probably at its worst right now. And now Izuku was suffering for some reason he didn’t fucking know.
And All Might was dying. That was probably the most intoxicating thing that was currently drowning his mind, Nighteye’s cold eyes as he stated that All Might were to die. The sharp pang of pain that bloomed in his chest as he forced himself to keep a contained but shocked face; despite the fact that tears sprung through his eyes, despite the fact that all he wanted to do there and then was scream at the unfairness of the world that his mentor (who was the first person to ever fucking believe in him) was going to be taken away from him.
On the other side of the coin, All Might’s old sidekick Nighteye and his current intern teacher had sprouted a deep-seated annoyance inside of him, an anger that he familiarly remembered from when Katsuki was bullying him, when he told him to take a swan dive of a roof.
He didn’t know what the man wanted. Nighteye hated him, that much was obvious. He thought he was weak and worthless and unworthy of being a vessel.
(Those words had especially made him blanch, because was that all that he was to them, a weapon that needed to be groomed to perfection? )
The man didn’t want bad results like all his old teachers in Aldera had wanted, he wanted impossible results. Izuku, if awful at everything else, excelled at knowing what people wanted and achieving it. If his middle school teachers wanted him to be useless, he’d downplay his grades; if Aizawa wanted a better solution, he would find it; if All Might wanted him to train till he felt like dying, he could do it. But Nighteye gave him tests that were unachievable. And now the only small shred of self-worth he had left was crumbling as he drowned in an ocean of misery.
Every wrong move, Nighteye’s glare pierced through his skin and tugged at his heart.
Every clear insult made him dig his nails into his skin.
Every time he gave the smallest smile to Mirio, he could feel the annoying feeling lurked inside his skull.
Your so useless
All Might’s going to die and you’ll not be able to do anything.
You couldn’t save just one child
Fucking null
Useless useless useless USELESS
“Oi, Deku, stop staring outside an pay attention!” A barking voice slowly pulled him back to reality- ever so slightly- and he saw his blonde rival baring his teeth at him. He decided not to comment, opting to turn to face his teacher. A faint stinging in his palm told Izuku that he had clenched his fist too tight, and he could feel the tell-tale signs of bleeding on his fingers. As he glanced down, he saw bright red marks that were etched in the tacky liquid. A small, minuscule sigh tore from his throat and he found himself falling into a tired persona he didn’t usually hold. Izuku didn’t realise that Todoroki and Ida were giving him worried glances, having realised the subtle change in demeanour.
Unfortunately, Katsuki decided there and then to continue downgrading him which was shit he currently couldn’t deal with.
Izuku didn’t even hear what Katsuki was saying, just mumbled a quiet ‘shut up’ before hiding his face into his arms. He let out a shaky, imperceptible exhale filled with frustration. His classmates had probably realised something was up right now.
And they most definitely had. Kirishima and Uraraka were glancing between the two of them worriedly, while Todoroki and Ida had their sole focus on Izuku. Jiro was staring contemplatively at Midoriya as well, while Kaminari was staring in a panicked motion at Katsuki- obviously worried he was going to explode.
And explode he did. He let his quirk run loose a bit, making Izuku flinch harshly and curl into himself, hunching his shoulders even as his head stayed firmly in his arms.
You make everyone angry
Waste of space
Useless hero
A useless weapon
Null null null NULL NULL
“What did you say to me?!?” The blonde growled threateningly.
“Bakugo, calm down,” Aizawa spoke clearly, but before he could continue Izuku cut him off.
“I said shut up,” he spoke coolly, voice sending a chill through the room, “Or are you deaf?”
“HAAHH?”
“Oh, then again a drawback of your quirk was that it sent a ringing through your ears and everyone near it. I’m really glad you got that under control, though it seems to have given you permanent loss of hearing as you seem to shout like a rabid toddler all the time,” Izuku continued snarkily.
He’s your bully
Everyone told him to hurt you
You should of been able to defend yourself
Take a fucking swan dive off a roof
Bakugo’s voice was now flat and blunt as he asked, “What is wrong with you?”
It seems he had remembered the incident where had given Izuku near permanent hearing loss, though that time was actually an accident.
“I don’t see why that matters to you,” Izuku shot back, burying his face once again into his hands, “Your usually so set on calling me a ‘waste of fucking space’ so I don’t see why you actually care right now when I want to leave you alone.”
“Fucking shut up! Look I’ll-“
The next sentence was cold and harsh, and Izuku was glaring with bitter fury in his eyes as he spoke it.
“Katsuki, if you don’t leave me alone I will take your advice to me from middle school.”
Izuku knew that this would unnerve Katsuki the most, but he hadn’t actually meant to say it. However, there was a small twisted feeling of satisfaction thrumming in his veins as the blonde froze, eyes widening in horror and fear. He schooled those emotions in a second, but that was enough for the entire class to sense the drastic emotion behind Izuku’s words. The fact he actually called Katsuki by his name and not 'Kacchan' was probably an adding factor to the heavy situatiom.
The entire room fell into a suffocating silence, as if monsters that had lurked in the background had finally made themselves known. It was a small snippet of Bakugo and Midoriya’s childhood; the two that admittedly everyone had the least information on.
Aizawa Shouta, their overprotective but stern teacher watched the interaction with narrowed eyes, following Midoriya’s movements as he simply states ‘I know’ to Bakugo’s apology. And yes, Bakugo Katsuki actually fucking apologised to the one and only Izuku Midoriya.
The constantly exhausted teacher let out a sigh, “Bakugo, don’t go exploding on a classmate that obviously feels overwhelmed by the atmosphere. It’s inconsiderate.”
Bakugo nodded. Nodded.
Shouta looked a little behind him to the green head, who still had his freckled face deep in the comfort of his hands.
“Midoriya, if you need to talk to someone you can go to the faculty office to find All Might or something; and please let someone know if your feeling under the weather.”
Midoriya lifted his head slightly to give an almost imperceptible nod. Shouta managed to make eye contact with his cold, almost emotionless eyes that were heavy with exhaustion.
But Shouta could see it, and backtracked slightly at the disbelief hidden in the exhausted and cold gaze.
Midoriya Izuku didn’t believe him.
But he couldn’t do anything about it right now, since he had a homeroom to teach and the boy was already fast asleep.
————————————————————
Izuku’s slumber wasn’t fitful at all, unfortunately. His sleep was crowded with different illusions that threatened to tear sobs out of his throat or screams of pain.
“Why didn’t you save me, huh, you useless Deku?!?” An older Eri, now a villain, screamed at him, “Your so pathetic.”
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry
“Midoriya-kun, get over here,” Itomoto sensei hissed, holding out a cane.
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
Pain teared through his arm and he let out an involuntarily whimper.
“Sayonara,” he whispered brokenely, taking a step over the edge. All Might’s words, ‘be realistic’ echoed through his brain.
Suicide was realistic for a quirkless null right?
He was falling
Useless
Falling….
Worthless
Falling …
A small tap to his shoulder startled him out of his sleep and he shot upright, aiming a punch at his culprit. Said culprit caught his hand in an instinctive grip, and soon he was face-to-face with his boisterous English teacher, Present Mic.
“M-mic-sensei, I’m so sorry,” he apologised profusely, hanging his head and letting his arm fall limp beside him. He stared at his teacher with guilty eyes, trying to school the fear that should have filtered his features.
This is U.A High school, not Aldera. The teachers are nice, they won’t harm you.
They won’t harm you.
“It’s fine, little listener,”Yamada dismissed his apology in a comforting tone. Shouta had warned him about Midoriya’s mood, and he could clearly see the prominent bags underneath his eyes that were as bad as his friend’s, “Just let me know if you need anything, okay?”
All Izuku could do was nod weakly, a part of him relaxing when Mic didn't tell him off. He dipped his head downwards to glance at his textbook, slowly starting to scribble down notes. However, his hands were practically burning with pain at the movement, joints creaking underneath the pressure. His eyes threatened to leak out tears as he winced, but he tried his best to pay attention to his lessons.
Luckily, his teachers were endlessly patient with him- a fact that had him both incredibly shocked and appreciative. It was a direct contrast to Aldera, where all the teachers had hated Izuku. They slipped him back to reality when they needed him to, hardly called his name in lessons, and somehow noticed his chronic pain was flaring up again.
If he was in Aldera, he would have broken down by now. But U.A somehow kept him going, helping him push forward through the day.
It’s because your not a null anymore, useless
It didn’t stop him from rushing out the room when it was lunchtime though, abandoning his friends in the classroom as he raced to the library.
——————————————————-
Unknown to Izuku, the entire class watched him sprint away with varying expressions of sadness, including their quirk art history teacher Midnight. Aizawa also entered the room for his lunch nap, a solemn and serious face adopting his features at the sight of the running green head.
Their teacher walked up to Midnight, muttering a worried question about how the boy was doing. Midnight answered with an equally concerned expression, but none of the students could hear what she was saying.
“Do you think something happened during his work studies, kero?” Tsuyu asked Uraraka worriedly. Ida and Todoroki also walked up to them, and the ‘Dekusquad’ fell into a worried conversation about their friend. Other than them, Kirishima, Denki and Jiro started contemplating what could be wrong with the boy, whilst Aoyama and Mina whispered in the corner. A few of the quieter classmates slipped out of the room, intent on tracking down Midoriya but not aiming to cause a fuss.
“Oi, Icyhot.”
Bakugo’s voice quietened the hushed whispering in the room as they all turned to watch the blonde trudge up to Todoroki. Todoroki turned away from the Dekusquad, facing Bakugo with an expression that emphasised he wasn’t going to take any bullshit right now.
“Check up on Deku once we get back to the dorms,” Bakugo demanded curtly.
“I was already going to do that, Bakugo,” Todoroki answered tersely, “Unless you believe Midoriya will convince me nothing is wrong with him.”
“No-ugh… yes, fuck you,” Bakugo grumbled, “He’s going to fall into a mutter storm reassuring you he’s fine when he’s not. And your dense enough to believe him because you trust him.”
Todoroki scowled.
“Would having All Might check up on him help?” Uraraka suggested timidly, but backtracked when Bakugo said ‘no’ with complete certainty.
The classroom was completely silent now, waiting for Bakugo to elaborate. The blonde let out a small scoff.
“Look. All Might became the symbol of peace by always prioritising others, and a life filled with lying and constant ‘I’m fines’. Look where that got him,” Bakugo was full-on snarling now, "Mutilated by a 200-year-old demon. Deku intends to become a hero with the same line of thinking, and he’s already broken his fucking bones more than 10 times. The only fucking difference is that he’s a damn lot nerdier, and Class 1A don’t let him do a fucking thing alone.”
Bakugo started walking away, grabbing his bag and trudging off.
“I don’t know what the fuck is going on with him, though he might have just fucking forgotten to take his shitty meds, but you lot need to fucking find out.”
“Why can’t you do it, Bakubro?” Kirishima questioned.
“Why were you the one that reached out for me at Kamino?” Bakugo shot back sharply, making Kirishima’s eyes widen in surprise. Bakugo tsked and turned back to leaving the room, but was stopped by Tsuyu.
“Wait, Bakugo. What did you mean about meds, kero?” She questioned worriedly. Uraraka also peeked up, eager for information. Even Aizawa seemed more curious than exhausted right now.
Bakugo just groaned.
“Fucking nerd takes antidepressants or some shit. Started after USJ.”
“Was it because of the villain attacks?” Yaoyoruzu questioned softly.
Bakugo sighed, shaking his head. He took a few steps to the door, pausing with his hand hovering over the handle and turning to stare at them. His sanguinary eyes were narrowed with utter seriousness, face tilted into a frown.
“Deku needed fucking meds since he was at least 12, probably less. He only cared enough to start taking them after he joined U.A.”
The ‘after he met you all’ was left unsaid. But everyone heard it loud and clear, ringing through their minds.
——————————————-
While Bakugo was stalling off to brood who knows where, Izuku was currently overstimulating and panicking badly. He curled into himself as the silence teared him fucking apart. His hands flew to his ears, somehow grabbing astray locks of hair and tugging harshly.
He stayed like that for god knows how long, ragged breathing threatening to get worse. A small whimper teared through his throat, only contributing to the suffocating environment. He was about to curl tighter into himself to try and silence the cacophony of noise, but suddenly everything just… stopped.
Shooting upwards in a startled motion, he lifted his head confusedly to find noise-cancelling headphones had been popped on his head. Instant relief flood through him and he relaxed, not even caring that he didn’t know who it was who had plopped the headphones on his head.
After he focused a bit more though, he realised that it was (surprisingly), his senior- Tamaki Amajiki. Izuku hadn’t interacted with him as much as Mirio, but was well aware the boy had anxiety as bad as his, though it was more on the social side.
He looked up at Amajiki gratefully, and his senpai gave him something akin to a smile, empathy in his narrow eyes. The boy sat down beside him, taking out a sketch pad and leaning against the wall with a pencil in hand. Izuku imitated his actions, pulling out his own notebook where he had been midway through sketching Fat Gum. His hands trembled slightly, but he was only shading so it didn’t cause him that much of a problem.
A while later, about 10 minutes before lunch ended, Amajiki finally stopped. Izuku looked at him as he flipped onto an empty page, quickly scribbling something onto it before showing it to Izuku.
‘Are you alright?’
Izuku sighed, giving a small shrug that seemed t0 convey his emotions surprisingly well. Amajiki gave him a small smile, and Izuku finally worked up the courage to take the headphones of. He slipped them off, placing it in his hands before bracing himself tightly.
The sounds flooded his head and he let out a small whine, trying to hide his face before he was stopped by his senior. The boy gently placed Izuku’s scarred hand against his chest, exaggerating his breathing so that Izuku followed along.
Eventually, the litany of his heart rate calmed down and Izuku slumped against the wall, tilting his head upwards to stare vacantly at the ceiling. Amajiki paused his drawing, staring at him with a thoughtful expression.
“You know when everything feels like it’s crashing down on you, and you’ve got constant issues on top of that to add to the load?” Izuku let out a wry chuckle, slightly unsure why he was so relaxed around someone he hardly knew right now.
Amajiki hummed his affirmative, “I get that a lot. Your reason the same as what’s keeping Mirio depressed?”
“Part of it,” Izuku murmured softly, hiding his face in his knees, “Some other things as well.”
“You… you can talk to Mirio if you can’t talk to anyone about it,” Amajiki suggested timidly, “He… he will definetly listen. He especially has a soft spot for you.”
“Got it. Thank you for everything you did right now, Amajiki. I’m sure it took a lot of courage,” Izuku said quietly. The other boy ducked his head to hide his blush, murmuring a ‘no problem’.
They stayed in the same position until the bell rang, where they traded numbers silently before heading off.
All in all, Izuku was feeling a lot better when he was in heroics. His head felt a bit light, but mostly calmer from his conversation with Amajiki.
It all dipped downhill in heroics.
Izuku’s friends weren’t any different around him, a fact that he was both grateful and ungrateful for. The fact that everyone was cheery right now made him feel isolated in his depressing line of thoughts. But he appreciated that they weren’t questioning the mood.
Luckily, All Might was busy with investigating something with Gran Torino, so he wouldn’t be in for the lesson. Izuku was glad, otherwise he actually might of broken the man’s heart ( or broken down in front of him). However, it also meant that they were doing rescue training and Izuku had gotten the unfortunate gamble of ending up in the water zone with Kirishima and Tokoyami.
It wasn’t hard training, and they worked surprisingly well together. All they were doing was rescuing dummies from potentially drowning, and utilising their quirks in a useful way on water.
It was fine.
Until Izuku slipped.
His foot had just slipped of the railing of the boat and he fell face first into the ocean, sinking for a good ten seconds. Any other day, Izuku would of been fine. But today was an absolutely awful day, so of course he wasn’t.
He started hyperventilating.
He thrashed around wildly, arms flying to try and reach the top of the lake, to be able to leave. Water choked his lungs as he let out heavy gasps and wheezing breaths.
It reminded him of the sludge as it suffocated him, and the feeling he was about to die die die
Something wrapped around his waist and pulled him up. Izuku couldn’t tell what it was and only that it was restricting him, which could only mean a bad thing so he tried to break free, tearing at it with any body part he could.
Almost instantly, the thing was pulled away and he let out a shaky gasp, which was the queue for the continuing panic attack. He curled into himself, small whimpers racking his body as he choked for air.
Voices were shouting at him and he curled tighter, letting a small whine tear through his throat as his joints cracked and burned. He let out full-body sobs, tears tracking down his cheeks.
Abruptly, the voices quietened down and left Izuku to have his panic attack in silence. His eyes that were scrunched up tightly now opened slightly, but his vision was blurry. Trying to ground himself, he tugged at his viridian hair- even as another whimper teared through his throat. The pain only made it worse, making him wince badly. He tried doing it again, but a calloused hand gently grabbed Izuku's, lowering them onto his lap. He tried tugging them away, but the person held them firmly. The hand started stroking his scars, tracing them in a way that made Izuku relax even as he continued sobbing.
Slowly but surely, he was somehow pressed against the person’s chest. It should have made Izuku feel threatened, but the person was so familiar and warm that it just made him sob harder, hoarse wails tearing painfully through his throat. The man cupped Izuku’s face, gently tilting it so he could hear their heartbeat whilst stroking Izuku’s curls. Izuku leaned into him instinctively, nuzzling into the man’s chest as something he distinctly recognised as Aizawa’s capture weapon scratched his head.
“M sorry,” he whined, tears soaking Aizawa’s jumper. The man merely shushed him, murmuring soft reassurances into his hair. Izuku let out a soft cry at the absolute tenderness of his teacher, that seemed to always be set on tough love.
They stayed like that for a moment, maybe two. Aizawa tapped a breathing pattern onto his shoulder as Izuku struggled to regulate his breathing. Raspy gasps and choked wails mixed together as his hands slowly clasped the fabric of Aizawa’s jumper. The man took the initiative and carefully wrapped his hands around Izuku, cradling him as if he were a child. Izuku didn’t even remember a time when he was held like this, held as if he was being protected.
“I’m going to take you somewhere quieter, alright kiddo?” Aizawa murmured.
“S-safe?” Izuku whimpered, regretting how childish his question sounded. But his sensei still answered in the same comforting tone.
“Yeah, it’s perfectly safe. You can relax now.”
Izuku’s only answer was leaning further into the man, letting himself trust just this once. He fell limp in his arms as his consciousness faded.