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Soft morning light fell on the kitchen counter. In the other end of the room that was intentionally designed to look homey, the oven beeped. Yelena walked over to retrieve her croissant, wiping the milk steamer on the coffee machine with a cloth on her way.
Seven minutes, she decided. Seven minutes was perfect for reheating the croissants Bucky and her baked last weekend.
"Nice and shiny." She scraped its surface with a fork, giving into an exaggerated sigh when the sound came back so crispy it was heavenly.
"You pretty little thing," Yelena whispered under her breath.
"Hey."
Yelena startled.
Before you judge and say some insensitive things like ho ho ho, how can an Avenger let her guard down? Well, you have to see that the Avengers were kinda like a family- the weird one you randomly ran into on a bus and immediately thought of the small town families in 90s comedies where there were just so so so many dialogues. But that didn't mean she couldn't trust them. Those sort of families sometimes had the least problems that would traumatize a kid for life. Notice how it was always the seemingly perfect family that showed up in horror movies?
Yelena shook her head disapprovingly.
She turned around to find Ava materialized out of nowhere. The taller woman stared at her, eyebrows slightly furrowed in confusion.
"What were you muttering?"
"Oh, you know," Yelena waved a dismissive hand, "perfect families, horror movies, blah blah blah, not important."
"Ok."
Ava inhaled then exhaled heavily and dropped her gaze to the floor.
"I need a favor."
"Your phaser is indeed not working-"
"I need help fixing my phaser-"
Ava paused abruptly, narrowing her eyes at Yelena.
"You know what? Nevermind. I don't need help from an asshole." She grabbed her phone on the counter and stormed for the door.
"Come on, I was obviously joking." Yelena reached for the arm of Ava who shrugged her off instantly.
"Hey, hey." She chased after her. "Everyone makes mistakes." Shit, why did she always default to a sarcastic tone?
"Fuck off, Yelena." Ava flipped her off.
Yelena stopped in her tracks and sighed.
"I tested a new grenade yesterday and it blew up right in my face."
At that, Ava turned back.
"It must be hard for you to admit that." Leaning against the door, she smirked.
"You too. Sorry for mentioning the malfunctioning in the comms. That was really shitty of me," Yelena offered, sincerely.
Waiting for a snarky comeback, Ava blinked. She cleared her throat and waved vaguely in the direction behind her back.
"Do you wanna, hmm, come with me to the workshop and try some patches?"
"Yea, of course." Yelena smiled warmly and headed for the kitchen door. "Oh a sec." She rushed back to the kitchen island where four mugs of coffee sat side by side. She picked up three coasters from the rack next to the coffee machine.
"Turquoise for Bob, wood for Walker, and- Metalhead SpongeBob for Alexei." She placed the latte, Americano, and the flat white double sugar on their respective coaster, and grabbed the last one for Ava. Usually she made one for Bucky too, but he had been gone on a mission for the past week and would return later today.
"Here." She handed Ava the mug. Ava studied the coffee and then Yelena with an unreadable look.
"What?"
"You've been making everyone's coffee every morning for how long now? Almost a month?"
"Probably, I didn't keep track, but yea, since I got this new coffee machine. Why?"
Ava looked at her for another meaningful second and patted Yelena on the arm.
"Nothing."
It was two hours past lunchtime when Yelena finally emerged from the workshop. Ava stayed back to run a few more rounds of simulation.
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?"
"A helping hand would be great but I can't keep you here when it's already 3 pm."
Yelena shrugged, removing her goggles with a hand clad in a leather working glove that matched the leather straps on her tank top.
"It's no problem. I can order takeout later."
Ava swiped with her hand in the air. The screens floating in front of Yelena disappeared.
"GO." She grabbed Yelena's shoulders, spun her around, and started walking her to the door. "You are a lifesaver but even lifesavers gotta eat."
The cafeteria was mostly people enjoying their afternoon tea. Yelena picked up her bowl and headed to the common room where the Avengers usually hung out a bit after lunch before they each went about their day.
The elevator doors opened to reveal Bob and Walker, the former by the fridge and the latter by the window. In Bob's hand, there was a can of pineapple. The man stared at it, seemingly lost in thoughts.
Yelena opened the fridge for a beverage. The assortment of drinks filled the space top to bottom. Whoever was in charge of the selection knew them too well. Yelena scanned them twice before her gaze landed on a peppermint soda. Six months ago, she would only reach for beers, if not something much stronger. The change wasn't even entirely intentional. Now that she was happier, flowing through her again was the appreciation and curiosity for life, which had led her to throw her arms wide open to so many things, big or tiny.
Yelena closed the fridge door. Behind it, Bob was still staring at the bright yellow sticker on the can.
"Hey." She nudged him with her shoulder. "You ok?"
Bob scrunched his nose, opening his mouth to speak but did not make a sound.
Yelena's eyebrows furrowed. She ducked her head and stuck it under Bob's gaze.
"You alright?"
Bob blinked, his eyes snapped back to focus. Embarrassed, he rubbed the back of his head and chuckled apologetically.
"Yea, yea, was just trying to figure out how to open this can."
Yelena rolled her eyes, partially at herself.
"Give me that," she sighed, amused, and snatched the can from Bob.
With a little tool she kept in her cardholder, she sliced through the brim and lifted the lid.
"Here."
Bob thanked her with a shy smile.
"Wait, can I have some pineapple juice in my soda?"
Bob offered happily. Yelena mixed them, took a sip, and threw a kiss into the air. Her whole body sank, leaning against the fridge door unceremoniously.
"Sorry, I got up too early today. Really need some music to wake me up."
Bob tapped his chin. "Like Mequetrefe?" he offered.
Yelena turned to him, eyes squinted, half surprised and half intrigued.
"Yes, like Mequetrefe."
It was so interesting discussing hyper pop with a former crackhead who had been listening exclusively to meditation music. Bob looked like a florist who only wore beige corduroy overalls but he gave the best music recommendations- in the most clinical tone possible, like a doctor doing a prostate exam.
They talked a bit longer before Bob had to head back to his room for his afternoon meditation session.
It was only Yelena and Walker in the common room. The man seemed to be scrolling on his phone fanatically. Yelena thought she would say a quick hello and left him to it.
"Sup." She put her bottle on the table and slid into the seat across from Walker.
The man looked up at her, offered a brief flattening of lips as hello, and got back to his screen, burrows furrowed again.
A beat passed, then another.
“Okay-“ Yelena nodded at herself and stood up, ready to leave.
As she stepped away, Walker let out a heavy sigh.
Yelena shut her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she turned around and sank into the chair again.
“Ok, what’s wrong?”
“Do you think,” Walker said slowly, looking up from the screen. God, his eyes were bloodshot. “That I don’t have a hobby?”
“Ehhh,” Yelena smiled awkwardly, “You jog?”
“Oh my god.” Walker collapsed onto the table, letting out a desperate cry. “What am I supposed to do?”
Yelena’s expression softened. She patted Walker on the shoulder. “Sorry.. I know you have many hobbies. It’s just we don’t hang out a lot so I personally am not aware of them. Sorry..” She smiled weakly. “But if you are having some troubles, I’m sure we can work something out.”
Walker lifted his head up a little and peeped at her. “Really?”
“Yea, if we can’t fix it, you’ve got a whole team,” Yelena assured him.
Walker seemed to think about that for a second.
“Ok.” He sat up straighter, wiping a hand across his face, and fixed his hair. “It’s gonna be the one-month anniversary of Oliva and I getting back together. I really want to show her how much I love her and how much she means to me. So I was thinking about getting her a gift. But I have been thinking and looking for weeks, and I still don’t know what to get her. She’s still working right now but we are having the anniversary dinner tonight! Tonight, Yelena!” Walker sounded like he was about to cry again. “I went on Reddit for gift giving guide. They were all talking about think about that person’s hobbies. I did! She likes playing piano, but she already has a piano because guess what? SHE LIKES PLAYING PIANO! So now what!? I don’t know!” Ok, he was crying again. “”Do I just not understand because I don’t have a hobby!?” Walker collapsed on the table again.
That was not what Yelena was expecting. She blinked before reaching out and squeezing him on the shoulder again. “Hey, hey, what matters is that you care about her. I’m sure whatever you pick out will show her that.”
Walker exhaled deeply. “Thank you, Yelena.”
Yelena smiled. “Of course.”
Before she could get out of the chair and leave, Walker called her again sheepishly.
“Hmm, can you go with me to the mall?”
Yelena was caught off guard.
“Me? Are you sure?”
Walker shrugged. “Yea, you always notice how people are feeling and you understand them.”
Yelena looked around at the now empty common room. “I-I don’t think so?”
“You noticed I was being a miserable fuck over here.” Walker splayed his hands palm up on the table.
“It was kinda hard to miss.” Yelena grimaced. “But sure, I’ll go with you. But um,” she turned around to check the time. “Can we meet up here at 7? I wanna go check up on Alexei. I haven’t seen him all day and Bob thinks he hasn’t left his room at all.”
Walker made a face that said see what you are doing right now? Literally what I just said.
Yelena rolled her eyes and stood up.
“See you at seven, fucker.”
After a quick visit to the cafeteria and her room, Yelena took the elevator to Alexei’s floor. He had given her full access.
There was no one in the living room. No sign of anyone being at home except the talking noises coming out of the study.
She knocked on the door.
“Come in!”
Yelena twisted the knob and stuck her head in.
“Docha! What brings you here!” Alexei swiped away the three screens in front of him playing different YouTube videos. Even in his surprised excitement, Yelena caught the flat dullness behind his voice.
“Hey, didn’t see you at lunch.” Yelena closed the door behind her. The curtains were drawn open but not fully. On the couch, Alexei was in his pajamas. In front of him, an empty water bottle and a dirty plate sat on the table. He barely moved after he got up from the bed and resettled here.
“I wasn't hungry,” Alexei answered.
“I got you a sandwich from the caf.” Yelena offered him the box.
“Thanks. What’s that?” Alexei pointed his chin at the big bag in Yelena’s other hand.
“This,” Yelena took one box out of the bag and opened it. “Is the new Hellstar x Adidas collab cleats. I saw them in the store the other day and thought you would love them.” She handed the shoes to him.
“I..” Alexei took them, eyes widened. “What?”
“I got myself a pair too!” Yelena took out the other box in the bag.
Alexei thumbed the surface of the cleats, eyes in awe. “They are really light. And look at the stubs!” He flipped the shoes to show Yelena. “Back in my day, we just wore sneakers. Wow…”
“Now you have them,” Yelena offered and tried carefully. “Wanna try them on?”
At that, the sparks in Alexei’s eyes dimmed a little.
“Nah, your old man is too old for that.”
Yelena’s heart sank but she feigned nonchalance. “Pff, what are you on about? Come on, try them on. Maybe you can still be as good as back in college! You never know unless you play in them!”
Alexei huffed out a laugh. “Yea, maybe.”
“Do you wanna go now?” Yelena ventured.
“You wanna go now?” Alexei arched an eyebrow at Yelena in surprise.
Yelena shrugged. “Why not? I got both our new cleats right here, and it’s sunny outside but not too hot. I know this really nice field almost nobody goes to. You’ll have a really good sleep after a workout-“ She stopped herself. She was rambling again. Rambling does not work.
So she put on a pleading smile.
“Pleeeease.”
Even that didn’t always work. It hurt her when pleading like a child no longer worked on a father.
Alexei looked outside the window, then between Yelena and the cleats.
“Let me change and meet you downstairs in ten minutes.”
Yelena pumped the air with a silent yes, her heart racing in joy.Unable to hold it back, she ran to give Alexei a hug before running to the door.
“Don’t forget to stretch!” Alexei called as he got up from the couch.
The place Yelena talked about was a community park in the suburbs. A big new community center was built a month ago. Only a few older people still hung out frequently here.
Yelena put on the cleats and started warming up again though she already stretched before leaving the tower. The realization suddenly dawned on her that Alexei always told them to stretch before going to the playground because he used to do that when going out into the cold of Russia and he couldn’t warm up in the snow. She hummed to herself. From the corner of her eyes, she saw Alexei carefully adjusting his cleats and doing the warmup routine he had had for over thirty years. When he was ready, Yelena threw the ball at him.
“Hey!” Alexei protested. She didn’t give him another second before she charged at him at full speed.
Caught off guard, Alexei quickly picked up the ball with his heels, flicked it in front of him and started sprinting. Yelena closed in from the side, slipped her foot in, and stole the ball away. Alexei cursed loudly in Russian, shook his head at himself, before surging forward after her. He tackled her with his shoulder, sending her stumbling, reclaimed ball, and turned around sprinting to the other goal.
Yelena chased after him. Mid-run she stopped. She watched as Alexei ran forward with the ball before striking it into the goal. He turned around and threw his arms up in excitement, running along the edge of the field and hollering at the imaginary audience till he stopped to catch his breath. He looked twenty again. Yelena didn’t know what he looked like when he was only twenty. But from time to time, Alexei would tell her a story of him, young, dumb, and wild, when they drove on the outskirts of the city. She would try to picture him as this funny boy-man, the boy a cocoon waiting for the man to burst out, but lingering, refusing to leave. Then she’d turn around to look at Alexei by the steering wheel. Her heart would always clench, like something much much grander punched her in the chest, as if she blinked and he had gone from a bright-eyed boy to this older man. And she knew he blinked. Thirty years as if a dream. She would hope at least he dreamed. What if it was only haze? He didn’t see, didn’t laugh, didn’t love, didn’t feel loved even in his sleep?
She scrunched her face hard before Alexei got here. He called her from afar, waving for her to join him and sprinting for the goal again.
The haze was clearing, she thought. She would do anything for that.
After the match, Alexei took her to 7-Eleven and bought her a corn dog and a cherry slurpee. She studied Alexei’s broad hand that held out the food to her and realized he was treating her like a kid- he was being a young father in his thirties. She took the food. She would let him have this. She would let herself have this.
When they got back to the tower, Walker was already waiting for her in the common room. She took a quick shower and texted him to meet her in the garage.
“Oh come on, NO.” Walker found her by her motorcycle.
“What? What’s wrong with it?” Yelena played dumb and patted the space behind her on the bike.
“W-E-,” Walker waved an exaggerated hand between them as if Yelena was slow, “are going to a mall, a family-friendly mall, on a Saturday. The last thing we need is attention.”
Yelena stared at him.
“I’m not entering a staring contest with you.” Walker crossed his arms.
“Fine,” Yelena said after a few more seconds and got off her bike. “Your lame car then.” She strode towards his car without waiting.
“What’s wrong with a Toyota Camry?!” Walker shouted after her.
The streets were getting quieter when they got back from the mall. Walker thanked her again before taking the other elevator back to his own room to get ready for the date.
Through the glass elevator, she could see all the way to where the clouds fell on smaller downs far away like mountains surrounding them. In a different life, she would like to have a life there, she thought. But for now, she loved what she had here, up high, if it ever thundered, she could extend her arms and shield the city.
As soon as Yelena entered her room, she tensed up. She couldn’t name it exactly but something was off. In the nanosecond it took for the realization to form in her mind, her senses became fully activated. She scanned the room mentally from a bird-eye view. The bathroom was flagged.
The tower was safe enough that none of them carried weapons around their room, but that did not mean there was no weapon. Yelena grabbed the framed photo of Bucky and her on their vacation last year in a cabin in Yukon, carefully removed the back panel, and took out a modified Widow’s Bite the size and look of a cufflink. She taped it on her wrist. The cufflink instantly unfurled, reconfiguring into a charged metal bracelet.
She sneaked her way along the wall. Another turn, the bathroom materialized at the end of the hallway. There was someone in there. She could almost hear and feel their heartbeat and breathing.
Whoever was inside left the door open. Through the orange light that slipped through the small crack, Yelena saw a familiar shadow. She kicked the door open.
“Fucking hell, James!” Yelena dragged a palm across her face and took off the bracelet.
Bucky grinned sheepishly. “Boo?”
Yelena surveyed him for a second before huffing out a disbelieving laugh under her breath. “I thought you wouldn’t be back till midnight.”
“Got back around 8. They told me you were at the mall with Walker apparently?” Yelena shrugged to Bucky’s arched eyebrow. “So I went and did this.” He gestured at the hot tub, the petals floating atop the bubbles, the candles lining the tub on the floor, fresh flowers in wooden buckets, and the record player playing Steve Lacy’s new album.
She walked over to the record player and picked up the album sleeve, marvelling at it as she sat down on the brim of the tub. “Wow, I’ve been waiting to listen to this with you.”
“Well, it is more of a gift to myself, but sure,” Bucky feigned reluctance, “sharing is caring and all that.”
Yelena put down the sleeve and swatted him on the arm. “You know, that attitude right there, was why you were basically a virgin for seventy years.”
“Are you sure it was not Hydra and mind control and that sort of stuff?”
Yelena scrunched her face, shaking her head, and took on the voice of an internet therapist. “I know reality is a hard pill to swallow but…”
Bucky mimicked her face before breaking into a wide grin and grabbed Yelena by her hand pulling her into the tub.
Yelena lost her balance and fell into the water. Bucky’s arm wrapped around her immediately, his other hand wiping away the water that had splashed on Yelena’s face.
“Asshole.” Yelena stared.
Bucky smirked indulgently.
“On the scale of one to ten, how horny exactly are you?”
The grin on Bucky’s face broke out even wider, reaching all the way to his glistening eyes. He jerked his hips up subtly. “Want a ride?”
Yelena bit her lip and smiled, sitting up straight to reach for the lips of Bucky who leaned in only to pull away when they were an inch apart.
“Another time.”
Yelena blinked.
Bucky ran his fingers through her hair. “I wanna help you relax.”
Yelena raised a finger.
“Don’t-”
“Are you always a tease or have I been a bad influence to you?”
Bucky pretended to contemplate for a second. “Good thing we found each other, huh?”
Yelena raised a finger again. “I’d like to think the universe had enough of our bullshit, so to minimize further damage done to the public, it threw us together.”
“Shout out to the public then.” Bucky ducked his head to drop a quick kiss on her cheek before helping her sit up. “Let’s get you out of these.” Yelena’s clothes were all soaked. Luckily it was just a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. She wiggled out of them and put them aside. Bucky scooted further to the end of the tub, so when Yelena sat down again, she settled fully into Bucky’s embrace, her head resting on its side on his chest.
For a while, they both remained silent. Candlelight cast their shadows on the ceiling, solemn and muted like a brutalist building in Russia. Yelena felt herself sinking, seconds away from falling asleep. Bucky kept running his fingers through her hair, slow as their heartbeats.
“Talk to me or I’ll fall asleep,” Yelena suddenly spoke, voice heavy with exhaustion. She poked Bucky on the chest.
“Sleep.” Bucky’s hand on her head pressed gently to keep her there.
“But I wanna talk to you,” Yelena protested and heard Bucky’s chuckle humming on his skin.
“Ok.” Bucky readjusted their positions so Yelena was leaning on his arm, face to face with him. “Heard you had a busy day?”
“Well..” She tipped her head to the side, eyebrows arched. “I guess it was more so that I didn’t sleep well last night.”
“Couldn’t sleep without me?” Bucky smirked.
“Aww, how did you know that?” The mockery was delivered with a bite on the lip. Yelena walked her fingers on the vein of Bucky’s arm. “I’ve been..so lonely.” Mentally Yelena gave herself a pat on the back. Screw porn stars. That’s how you do it.
“No, I just had too much caffeine.” She schooled her face into a deadpan.
The switch up was so fast Bucky bursted out laughing.
“Thanks for the coffee every morning by the way. I love it,” he smiled sincerely. “Is Alexei still on some double sugar bullshit?”
“YEA!” Yelena jerked up straight in his arms. “I tried to lowered it to 180% sugar the other day, and HE FUCKING KNEW!”
“What? How?”
“I gave him the coffee, he took a sip, and was like no no no, child, don’t play with me.” Yelena held out her hands. “Ok, okay, whatever you say big man with the dietary habits of a 5-year-old. Jeez.”
“Damnnn.”
“I know right.” Yelena shook her head, eyes rolled, and leaned back. Bucky caught her by the waist.
“So, you went to the mall with Walker. What else did you do?”
“Ava and I worked on her phasers.” She left out the details. “Had lunch with Walker. Well, I was having lunch, he was, umm, freaking out. Then I played soccer with Alexei at the park. Fucker almost broke my leg.” She rubbed her shin.
Bucky chuckled.
“Did he enjoy the match?”
“Yea.” Yelena grinned widely, the thrill of finally making progress filled her vein. “He wants a rematch tomorrow.”
“You rest. I’ll go with him.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it. It’s gonna be a miracle if he can recover before Friday.”
“Ok, if you need me though, just let me know.” Bucky squeezed her and added, “if you feel comfortable.”
Superheroes had problems asking and accepting help. It was ok. They were working on it.
“You don’t have to be there for everyone all the time, you know?”
“I know,” Yelena said, playing with his fingers. “I didn’t seek it out. I just didn’t say no.” She felt his chest expand so she jumped to add, “Before you say anything, no it’s not people-pleasing. I have long past being so worried about others being upset with me that I would do anything for an ounce of relief.” Guilt would do nonsensical things to people.
“It’s just,” she paused, leaning sideways till her head rested on Bucky’s chest. Her gaze followed their shadows on the ceiling that shifted in the wavering of the candlelight. She continued slowly, “I know I can help them feel better or have a better day or whatever. And I’m not self-centred enough to do it because of validation. I truly just want everyone to be happier.”
Grabbing her hand that was playing with his, Bucky laced their fingers together and gave it a little squeeze.
“I know.”
“And the selfish part of me wants others to see me like that too, helpful, reliable, calm.” She continued to stare at the ceiling, pensive.
Bucky tilted his head so he was facing her, his eyebrows furrowed. “We do see you like that.”
Yelena snorted. “Speak for yourself.” She waved a hand over their tangled naked bodies.
“Uh,”Bucky feigned disbelief, “So I am not credible because I have sex with my girlfriend?”
“Ding ding ding!” Yelena quipped.
Bucky rolled his eyes, grinning.
“At least the sex is pretty good, isn’t it?” Yelena winked.
“So good you don’t even know.” Bucky accentuated the claim with a bite on her shoulder.
Yelena laughed. “I feel like I should say show me, but I’m so exhausted even being a pillow princess is above my energy level.”
“Ok,” Bucky chuckled, “remember this though. ‘Cause we will come back to it.”
“Whatever you say, lover boy,” Yelena promised.
A few beats of silence passed before Yelena spoke again. “You guys met me at a really weird time in my life. Sometimes I got frustrated or anxious when they made wrong assumptions about me, but then I remembered I wasn’t showing the full picture, their read wasn’t far off based on the source material they were given. And when I was not showing that side of me, even I didn’t feel like I was that person.”
She shifted in his arms, waving a dismissive hand. “It’s a stupid thing to worry about.”
Bucky remained silent, but she heard him think. On the contrary to what Walker would like to believe, Bucky was always thinking. And she always heard him think and was reminded of the assuring quiet hum of a machine.
“Maybe you believe you need to act on that side of you to have tangible evidence that you are this caring, reliable person. But who you are is within you not the actions you perform. I didn’t do one single thing I would voluntarily do for decades, but I am still who I am, who I have been.” Bucky rested his head on top of hers. “You made me believe that.”
Yelena shifted sideways, tilted her head and found Bucky’s eyes, a small smile on her lips, open like the first ray of light of the day, eager and uncertain at the same time.
“I just wanna be more like you,” she whispered. Her thumb ran circles on Bucky’s arm that wrapped around her. “Is that too weird?”
Bucky studied her for a second. So much unsaid yet said. Even if he was already naked, now he truly felt stripped bare. And to feel, he felt not ashamed, not vulnerable, but like a body of water that escaped the jar. Yelena saw him, every particle in him, the person he had been trying to be, the shape of the puzzles he had put back together, old yet new; Therefore he was blessed with the freedom of fluidity, the bliss of flowing and encountering life with all the gentleness and sharpness he possessed.
His arm tightened around Yelena. His head ducked, dropping a kiss in her hair.
“No, not weird.”
Yelena raised her eyebrows softly at him with an air of suspicion.
“I wanna be more like you too.”
At that, Yelena snorted.
Ignoring it, Bucky continued, “You have this whimsy you approach life with, and it’s always amazing to witness.”
“Calling me immature much?”
“Uh-uh.” Bucky shook his head, the stubbles on his chin scratched Yelena’s hair. “You know what I’m talking about. It’s not being childish. It’s, hmmm,” he paused to find the right words, “It’s an intentional, polished choice to remain curious, loving, and hopeful. Very brave if you ask me.”
Yelena never knew how to take a compliment, and this felt like a huge compliment.
“Usually people just call me sarcastic and cynical,” she mumbled.
Bucky knew she was brushing it off, but there was weight in that statement, so he decided to address it. “I think,” he mused, “at first, it came as a response to your surroundings, very much a protest to what the world was trying to shape you into. But once you saw the positive impact that side of you had on people and yourself, you have been very intentional with it. I noticed most of the times when you cracked an out of place joke was to maintain some levity in an otherwise really really miserable situation.”
Yelena blinked. She didn’t even notice that about her-
“And you probably don’t even think that, because the process for you started way before when the joke was delivered. You are so tuned in with everyone’s feelings and your instinct to care for your people started, I don’t know, probably when you were a center back in elementary school.” Bucky shrugged. “What I’m trying to say is it is easier to be carefree and it’s also easier to be a control freak with great executive capabilities, but it’s always harder to take care of things and people affected by it so well that those who are taken care of by you get to be carefree; and it is even harder for you to maintain that ability to be carefree and whimsical while taking care of so many things.”
Bucky was quiet for a beat, then his shoulders gave a tiny jerk as if woken up. He chuckled to himself, burying his face in the crook of Yelena’s neck. “Didn't mean to go all psychoanalysis on you.” A soft laugh. “I’ve been in my head a lot.” Yelena felt his cheek heating and heard the beautiful curve of his embarrassed smile. A huff of breath, his lips grazing her skin. “And missing you.” The words were muffled.
A hand reaching for Bucky’s head, Yelena held him, turning so her forehead touched his. The weird angle they were meeting each other. The weird angle they fit.
“Sometimes, maybe I was scared,” in this safety encircling him, Bucky continued. “I got so fixated on making things right, even though I wanted to be happier about it, more hopeful, more..lively, I was just too damn tired. It seems like bad things are never-ending, and we can’t ever get to the source of them. One bad guy emerges after another, coming out of this system we are not powerful enough to change quickly enough.” He sighed, the rasp in his voice made him sound exhausted.
Yelena understood. She also understood that although she could counter Bucky’s sentiment with her newly acquired optimism, Bucky had once had the same optimism, lived it, and seen it slip away. She couldn’t imagine being him, that drop in the vast ocean where so many currents from different directions had come or were coming its way. She was the drop that had drifted thousands miles in storms and woke up beside him. There was warmth in her she had carried over from somewhere beautiful. Every day, she wanted to make the drop next to her less cold. She was not summer; he was not born the winter either. Melting, melting, melting the ice that held a heart hostage until they could both be a little bit of every season, changing, shifting, free.
She let go of Bucky and propped herself up on his knees to turn around. Water splashed lazily like midnight waves. She cupped Bucky’s face with both hands. In the dim orange candle light, he looked like a painting. His lips were pressed. They always were. Yelena thought of those wounded martyrs in Caravarggio’s work. So holy. So human. The tremendous light and darkness between her palms urged her to dive in as if skinny-dipping into the ocean. Suddenly, she believed she had everything the universe had to offer right in front of her. His skin the nebula, his eyes the moon, his soul a solar storm, his past a time dilation that folded on itself. Yelena rose and leaned in, kissing him with everything she herself had to offer. When they separated, he breathed, this time lips parted.
She smiled at him, thumb caressing the corner of his mouth where the same smile tugged and spread to his eyes. All of a sudden, something shifted in her gaze. She sank back into the water, curled up against Bucky, and buried her face in his chest. She was pouting, like a petulant child clinging to her favorite toy that she thought she had lost for good and promising to herself she would take the toy to see the world and never lose it again.
A summer thunderstorm crackled outside. The window turned it into a soft rumble. Bucky wrapped his arms around Yelena again, murmuring something into her hair. Maybe “I love you”, maybe her name, maybe “I’m here”, maybe something completely absurd. To think, that he had this, and he had light which was contained within the person he could hold so impossibly close, was absurd.
He would allow himself this tonight and maybe forever.
How absurd for an Avenger to have love.
How absurd for Bucky Barnes to have all the seasons.