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Inara had never had such a rage response to a picture of an infant, but when the newborn portrait of Brenna Frye-Tam loaded onto her Cortex screen in her suite at House Madrassa, she wanted to scream.
It was not Brenna's fault. Inara had to chant it over and over to herself, and she truly did believe it, but she still had to cling to the reminder. Inara's misery was not Brenna's doing. All Brenna had ever done in her life was simply exist, and she'd only been doing that for a month. All Brenna was guilty of was being born to two loving parents, one of whom happened to be the woman Inara was in love with.
Maybe Inara should have taken comfort in the fact that at least she was not going to die wondering. At least she'd had the chance to summon all her courage and hold Kaylee's hand in hers and tell her that she loved her and wanted to be with her, if Kaylee would have her. She knew she should be grateful that Kaylee's response had been so gentle. She'd let Inara hold onto her as she talked, saying that she was beyond flattered, that it was the highest compliment to hear that from Inara. She'd then gone on to apologize profusely, reminding Inara that her relationship with Simon was making wonderful progress away from constant fumbling towards genuine affection and mutual understanding.
"I…I love him," Kaylee had said, and Inara felt terrible to hear her friend say something that was so beautiful with the same tone as a regretful apology.
She'd ended the conversation by wondering if they could still be friends, and though Inara truly didn't know how she was ever going to look at Kaylee again without her chest aching, how could she possibly say no to Kaylee's huge, shining eyes?
So she'd said of course, Kaylee. Thank you for still wanting a friendship with me.
And they'd gone on. Life didn't stop for a heartbreak, even though Inara had cried herself to sleep for three nights straight and had to schedule a gua sha facial on Persephone (plus a last minute booking fee) in order to look presentable for clients. Kaylee still visited Inara's shuttle, and after a month, it seemed as though Kaylee assumed everything was back to normal; there was no hint of distance or awkwardness from her, and Inara tapped into her own trained professionalism to keep her emotions in check when they spent time together. She kept them in check as Kaylee spent more and more time with Simon and she kept them in check as she wore her pale blue evening gown and stood beside Kaylee as her maid of honor.
As Kaylee and Simon went from newlyweds to simply another married couple on board Serenity, Inara hoped and prayed that eventually her infatuation would die down. She would get over it eventually surely, but there was something about Kaylee, something special that reignited Inara's love for her every time she fixed the engine like it was no big deal or managed to salvage a rough day with a game at dinner or any number of other little quintessentially Kaylee things.
In the end, Inara had had to leave. She couldn't torment herself like that any longer, so she made arrangements to return to House Madrassa and told everyone that she was grateful for the time on board, but it was time to reevaluate her career and perhaps take a different role in the Companion world. She'd thought that maybe the separation would finally cool her off.
It hadn't worked.
Inara checked Brenna's registry again, paid for all of the clothing listed that no one else had bought yet, and shut down her Cortex screen for the night.