Chapter Text
Everyone leaves her. No one stays.
She comes to the devastating realization that the people whom she loves and cares for the most will always leave her by the end. Her mom had gone off to India, seemingly without a care in the world. Her father had abandoned his family, leaving them in debt and wandering the world to escape the ruins back home in England.
And Ramona. Ramona, her best friend, her lover, and her forever; she had decided to leave for New York City, a world vastly different from Sterling Point. A bigger world, filled with bright glittering lights, tall modern buildings, and beautiful glamorous people.
Oona is happy for her. She cannot be happier for her. For being able to experience new and wondrous things, especially when she herself knows what it is like to live in so many countries and cities.
She wants that for Ramona, but of course, without the struggle, and she will have that, especially with Steven Jacobson as her biological father. So, she had foolishly pushed her away. She had executed the act so poorly that she herself was left heartbroken in the aftermath. She cannot even begin to imagine how much she had hurt Ramona’s heart.
But, she had been so terrified.
She remembers that day so clearly, like it had only been yesterday since they broke up. She plays that scene, over and over again, in her mind, trying to see how she had messed it all up with her own two hands.
Her heart had been racing so fast in her chest when Ramona mentioned New York and her biological father that she hadn’t quite known what to do with herself, and she had spiraled, thinking of all the possibilities. Of Ramona leaving her. That was the first thing that came to the forefront of her mind and isn’t that cruel? The second thing, of herself being a deadweight and a burden, flashed in her mind soon after. Her eyes had dimmed. Her smile had wavered. And Ramona, who was so perceptive, who cared for her and who loved her in equal measure, noticed immediately.
Everything went downhill from there. She became so defensive, so guarded and so fearful; it felt so much like she was reverting back to her old self, to a time when she was just beginning to learn how to cope with all the challenges of life at thirteen. When she told herself that having control was the most important thing, especially if she never ever wanted to be hurt again.
So, she looked at Ramona and pretended she saw nothing at all. She hurled all the words she had not said to her own mother or father. She took all her lessons from her childhood and unwittingly released them onto Ramona, the last person who deserved it. It was unfair of her to do that, but, in that moment, that was what she had done. It came instinctively, and wasn’t that the most damning thing of all? She would never be good enough for Ramona, who strove to understand her, who loved her without any strings attached, who accepted her regardless… who looked at her and saw the boundless sky.
Oona could not forgive herself. And so, she spent months in a really bad state. Though of course, she tried her best to pretend that she was perfectly fine.
She made sure that Maple was still going to school. She still worked her shifts at Sully’s events or at the Marina. She still tried to be her usual self, but it was hard, not least because everyone was expecting her to break down. They cast her pitiful glances and whispered among themselves. And though she acted like she had not seen or heard any of it, she was aware of it all. And that made it more real.
She wanted to run away too. To escape to a place where she could forget the hurt and the pain, to start anew, to forget the summer where she had everything she ever wanted, and then, quite so quickly, lost it all, in the same breath.
But, where could she go? She was only eighteen with a twelve-year-old sister to care for. The life she had built in Sterling Point was the closest thing to a family she had. And, it was the most stable one she had built yet.
She could not leave.
She had imagined a life with Ramona. They would have been fantastic together, in some strange, twisted way. Both of them had dealt with the harshness of the world and understood how fleeting moments of happiness could be. They were happy together once; perhaps, that should be enough.
But Oona wants more. She wants the whole deal. She wants Ramona to stay. And yet, she doesn't want Ramona's wants to be secondary to hers.
She thought she was doing the best thing for her.
Putting her head in her hands, she wills herself not to sob uncontrollably.
She gets out of bed and paces. She can't sleep and she sure as hell can't stop thinking of her. She is going stir crazy in this place.
This is a hell of her own making.
It's already been two whole months.
Why can't she get over it? Why can't she get over her?
She goes to the bathroom and switches on the lights and stares at herself in the mirror. She wants to stop feeling that ache that rests, just above her chest and below her throat.
She sees tears against her cheeks. She clenches her fist and lets out a breath, turning away. She can't bear to look at herself any longer.
She can still remember seeing Ramona at fourteen. Her demeanour had intrigued Oona. She remembers wanting to uncover all that hid beneath the surface, beneath the scowl that sometimes graced her pretty face. Then, they became the best of friends, and Oona finally realized just how similar they were. She found a sanctuary with Ramona, a peace of heart, a knowledge that she will always have someone in her corner, no matter what.
At fourteen, Oona naively believed that Ramona would forever stay by her side.
That year, she would always run up to the cottage where Ramona lived with Gordon, knocking on her door without shame. She would hear her footsteps coming down the stairs. A pause and then, the door would open and Ramona would give her a look, a raised eyebrow. And a small, playful grin.
Sometimes, a sleepover. Other times, skinny dipping in a lake further away from the Marina. Sitting on the porch, pretending to be like the adults. Talking about worldly things, practical things. Then, unbridled laughter bursting forth from between their lips. Rarely, they would go to the cliff. Ramona didn't like going to the cliff. It reminded her too much of her mother she had never talked to, nor seen.
One summer night, while Oona slept over at Gordon's cottage, they bared their hearts to each other. It came so naturally Oona had to take a step back and wonder about the control she held so dearly to her chest. Ramona seemed to be the exception to every rule she had created for herself.
She had looked at Ramona then and felt peace... and the strange urge to run her hands over bare skin not covered by her T-shirt. It was a transient thought, but it was one that made her think of how soft and pretty girls were, and how she wanted always to be close to them.
"Isn't Heather really pretty?" Oona suddenly asked. She was the belle of the school and everyone had a stupidly ridiculous crush on her. That seemed to make her the target of every cruel joke. Sometimes, jealousy knew no bounds, especially when it came to young hearts.
"Yeah, she is..." Ramona then shifted, looking at her strangely. "Why...?"
"I'm just thinking out loud... Anyway, do you think she's taken?"
"Heather? Oh, I don't know. I don't think so. She keeps to herself most of the time. I heard that she'll be moving to Toronto soon though. Her father got a pretty good job there."
"Oh, wow. You've got the latest scoop!" Oona laughed, shoving her lightly.
Ramona rolled her eyes and shoved her back, but Oona came back with a vengeance, so much so that Ramona almost fell off her single bed.
"Really? You're going to kick me out of my own bed?"
"It's our bed." Oona said matter-of-factly, her eyes twinkling with glee.
Ramona paused, her jaw hanging. Oona almost took it back, afraid that she had crossed some line.
"Yeah, I guess. Since you're here so often anyway." Ramona finally acquiesced.
"Thanks babe," Oona casually said, grinning wildly. "Anyway, I've got a crazy idea."
"You always do," Ramona shifted closer, flicking her forehead lightly with her fingers.
"Hey, hey, you're gonna leave a mark."
Oona held her wrist and pulled her in, laughing brightly when Ramona struggled.
"Come on, let's go to the cliff," Oona leaned in, a smirk on her face, daring Ramona once she stopped squirming.
"Oona, you can't be serious. It's three in the morning. Do you want to end up on the news front page?" Ramona rolled her eyes, a small smile tugging at her lips.
"This is a front-page-worthy face, don't you think?" Oona joked, winking at her.
"You're being ridiculous. Your pretty face won't look so pretty once it's blue."
"I'm pretty?" Oona teased her, laughing when Ramona turned away, her ears flushing red.
"Come on, let's go! Please, please, please, I'm bored. I wanna do something fun with you. We won't be fourteen forever."
"...Yeah, okay, okay, fine."
They sneaked out of bed, making sure not to wake Gordon. They took their bicycles and rode to the cliff, their hair blowing wildly behind them.
When they reached the cliff, they could see the moon hanging above. It was September. The moon was big and orange and bright. They left their bicycles leaning against a sturdy tree trunk and wandered nearer.
"It's been nine years since I've been here," Ramona suddenly said once they were finally seated on crisp leaves.
"Hmm... You must've been five then. Did Gordon bring you here?"
They were sitting shoulder to shoulder, and it was clear that Oona was shooting up, becoming taller every year.
"Yeah, he did. It was snowing very heavily. And I remembered him crying."
Ramona breathed out heavily then, and lay down on the ground, her back against the leaves. Oona followed suit.
"That was the saddest I had ever seen him. You know, I don't remember much about my childhood, but I remembered that day so vividly. Maybe that's why I haven't come here for so long."
"Oh shit. I shouldn't have... Should we go now?" Oona turned and raised her head, resting her cheek on her palm, looking at Ramona as though trying to discern whether she was okay.
"Oh no, no, it's chill. It's all good. I just... well, it wasn't exactly a conscious effort not to come. I just never did. Until tonight, at least." With that, she glanced at Oona briefly before turning away. "I'm glad I did though. It's very pretty."
"Yeah, it is. If you don't mind me asking though, did you ever ask Gordon what happened that day?"
"It was my mom's favorite spot when she was a teen."
They lay in silence, till the sun rose. The water glimmered under the golden rays. Ramona and Oona had fallen asleep at some point and had only woken up when the birds started chirping. That summer felt special. It was the first summer Oona had with Ramona.
She is broken from her reverie when she hears a knock on the bathroom door, and Maple's soft voice asking if she's okay.
Her heart aches a little but she tells Maple that she's almost done. She runs her fingers through her hair, wipes the remaining tears on her cheeks and tries to get herself to look fine, like she is not breaking inside.
Everything reminds her of Ramona. For god's sake, Ramona owns a third of Sterling Point. It is hard to forget her when she has touched every part of this island with her presence.
Ramona holds all her memories. It is hard to forget someone who once held your heart with so much tenderness.
She breathes and breathes and calms her rapidly beating heart. She misses her so much. She wants to scream.
But it's night and Maple's right outside and she's got to be a good sister. She's got to show her that she has it together. She can't abandon her, just like their parents did.
She said leave but really, all she wants is her. She wants Ramona, who is so good with Maple, who had unknowingly woven herself into her little family and taken a piece of her heart with her.
"Oona?" Maple's voice is a vague echo but it snaps Oona out of it. She has a life to live. She has her sister. She has the Marina. She has her friends.
"Maple, I'm alright. Go back to bed. You've got school tomorrow." Her voice cracks at the end of the statement and she has to choke back a sob.
"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" Maple asks.
"Yeah, sure, I'll be right out."
She hears Maple's footsteps padding away from the bathroom, and she breathes a sigh of relief.
She washes her face with ice cold water, briefly closing her eyes once she's done. She tilts her head up, and gathers herself.
The fairy lights are pretty. A combination of orange, yellow, pink, blue and purple. She heads to her bed and crawls under the covers.
"Are you asleep?" Oona whispers in the night.
"Not yet." Maple mutters in response. Her eyes are huge and she scans Oona's face. A frown mars her face and Oona tries her best to smile.
"Stop looking at me. Close your eyes and sleep." Oona scoots closer and holds Maple against her, placing her chin against the top of her head.
"You're suffocating me," Maple giggles.
Oona squeezes her once and lets go. "Go to sleep," she finally says.