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Travis slumped down on the couch. He was tired. Very tired. Exhausted, even. He had a terrible migraine. To make it even worse, he kept seeing things. Hallucinations of his roommate that were so uncanny it was scary, and figures in the corner of his eye. All he wanted to do was just sleep. He closed his eyes, head reeling. He was just about to try to drift off when he flinched at the sound of a door opening. He peeked over the couch, seeing Devin fidgeting with his keys. He had just gotten back from.. grocery shopping? Travis couldn’t remember where Devin had went. His memory was hazy.
“Hey, dude. I’m back. I got some groceries. Could you help me unpack the car?”
Travis stifled a whine. The last thing he wanted to do was get up, standing in the freezing cold carrying heavy bags out of Devin’s car. He could barely even stand. He coughed slightly, holding his head.
“Hey, Travis..? Are you alright? You just seem sick, and.. out of it. I know you don’t talk much anymore, but.. whatever, it’s alright.”
Devin turned away, going back outside. Travis tried to fall asleep, but just couldn’t. His migraine kept him wide awake. He was sick of it. He started zoning out, the sound of Devin coming in and out of the house holding groceries and placing them on the counter now becoming background noise to him.
“Alright, I think that’s all of them.” Devin said, stretching. He sat down next to Travis on the couch, resting his legs on the table.
“Money’s been a little tight.. I didn’t get the healthiest stuff ever. Still, it’s enough to keep us alive. I’m gonna have to try earning extra at that cashier job I took. Maybe I could work extra hours..? I dunno, man. You still haven’t been able to find a job.. We’ll figure this out, though.”
Travis backed himself into the corner of the couch. His ears were ringing, and every light on the Christmas tree seemed to blare, worsening his headache. Travis pulled his hood over his head, tugging the strings tight, and screwing his eyes shut. Devin glanced at him.
“You don’t have to say anything. I know you don’t.. like talking.”
Travis nodded.
“Are you feeling okay? Do you have another one of those migraines?” Devin queried.
“Yeah..” Travis muttered, almost inaudibly.
“Did you take your medication?”
Travis had previously not been able to afford medication, but Devin decided it would be best to get him on it. It was where most of their funds were going. After all, it was best to get Travis to feel well enough to start working somewhere.
“I.. uh..” Travis stammered.
“It’s alright, you can take it now, I guess.. just, uh, do me a favor quick?”
Travis looked up at him with tired eyes. He didn’t even know if he could stand right without falling over, let alone do a favor for Devin.
“Can you go to the kitchen? I have a gift for you by the microwave. I, uhm.. worked really hard on it.”
Travis rubbed his head, testing if his legs could hold his weight. He tried to get on his feet, but the world was spinning under him. He put one shaky foot in front of the other, attempting to walk in a straight line. His attempt proved futile as he drifted into a circle and almost accidentally bashed his skull into a wall. He somehow (surprisingly) managed to make it to the kitchen without tripping over his feet, or maybe even over nothing, and reached into the space by the microwave. His hand wrapped around the handle of.. a custom painted mug? He looked at the design, vision blurry. He could make out a red mug, with a picture of a Christmas tree dusted with snow in a blue dawn sky on it. Inside the mug was steaming hot chocolate, topped with marshmallows and whipped cream. Travis didn’t know how he would walk back to the couch without spilling the drink and shattering the mug. He thought about how sad it would make Devin if he did shatter the mug. Devin said he had worked hard on it as a gift for him, and destroying his hard work just felt utterly embarrassing and horrible of him. With a sudden pang of determination, Travis walked in a straighter line back to the couch, making sure not to trip.
Travis sat back down on the couch, next to Devin.
“Uhm.. a mug.” Travis mumbled.
“Yeah. I, uh, painted that for you. I know how you like red n’ stuff, so I painted the base red. You know how I am about art. Also, I made you some hot chocolate as well. Just to clear your head, I guess.”
Travis examined the cup. He smelled the warm aroma of the hot chocolate, but his brain couldn’t register any sort of smell without feeling repulsed at the moment. He accidentally gagged at the mug, right in front of Devin.
“I.. I’m sorry.. I didn’t mean..” Travis gasped.
“Uh.. do you.. not like hot chocolate? I swear you loved it before, I..” Devin started.
“I.. I do.. it’s just..” Travis didn’t finish his sentence. He put the mug down and gagged again. The smell of the hot chocolate was too overwhelming as of then. After not eating for a while, smelling something so creamy and milky just made him feel the need to vomit.
“I’m sorry.” Travis started. He felt his headache getting worse again.
“Uh, it’s alright..?” Devin said, looking a bit hurt. “Did you at least like the mug? I spent all night painting it for you..”
Travis nodded. Devin felt a bit better at his confirmation. After a bit of silence, Travis interrupted by saying,
“I’m not thirsty.”
“Oh.. I guess I’ll drink it, then.” Devin reached for the mug. He took a sip, turning on the TV. Travis shifted uncomfortably. He hated the noise of the TV, especially when he had such a bad headache. When Devin noticed Travis covering his ears, he turned it off. Travis felt a bit better after the screen went blank and the noise faded away, but still not the best.
Travis zoned out again, slipping into a reverie. He started dreaming of a world where he and Devin could just live their lives peacefully, without such a tight budget. A world where he didn’t have his horrid schizophrenia and headaches. A world where his brother, Camryn, ran away from home and took him with. Thinking about this alternate universe made Travis dread his current life even more. It could’ve went so well for him, but here he was, living with his friend basically for free. He was like a living corpse. He would barely eat, barely talk, barely sleep.. Travis suppressed a sob of self-loathing. He felt as if he should just beg god to make him normal next time. He was so wasted..
“Travis?” Devin interrupted his trance.
Travis shook himself. He looked up at Devin.
“You need to take your meds, remember?”
Realization washed over him. He had been putting off the medication for a little while now.
“Can you.. get it?” Travis murmured.
Devin nodded and stood up. Travis hugged a pillow to his chest, ears still ringing. Soon, Devin came back with a water bottle and Travis’s pills.
“Here-“
Travis’s vision went completely blurry. He was now seeing in black and red. He didn’t know what was going on. He felt like screaming or full-blown sobbing. Perhaps another one of his awful hallucinations. He was now standing in a white room, with groups of silhouettes surrounding him, repeating the same words,
“Freak! Creep! Weirdo!”
Travis started trembling. He covered his face, tears fully falling now. The shadows kept repeating those words over and over, until Travis heard another voice, barely audible over the chanting that was actively ridiculing him.
“Travis..”
“Travis!!”
“TRAVIS!”
Travis snapped back to reality, feeling the tears streaming down his face. Devin was shaking his shoulders.
“Dude, what happened? I was just trying to give you your medication, and you just.. went blank with your eyes blown wide. And after a little bit, you just started.. crying?”
Travis wiped his eyes with his sleeve.
“I’m okay.” Travis didn’t know if he was telling the truth or not.
“Just.. take your meds, alright?” Devin handed him two pills and a water bottle, and Travis took the pills, taking a sip of water to swallow them.
A short period of time passed after Travis took the pills, and he started to feel a bit better. His headache got a bit more bearable, and he started to hallucinate less. Devin had already went to bed. After a while of just sitting on the couch, he decided to think about the time. There were no clocks in their house, and Devin’s phone was sort of broken, but Travis could basically tell the time in his head. It was around..
12:00AM?? Travis didn’t know he was up for so long. He decided he should just go to sleep. He stood up, wobbling slightly, but not as bad as before. He trudged along to his room, shutting the door behind him. He sat down on his bed, sliding himself under the covers and shoving his face in a pillow. In a little while, he fell asleep. He assumed he would have the usual night terror, the one that makes you wake up in the middle of the night while also making you not able to go back to sleep, but instead, he was met with a much nicer dream. He and Devin were at the community park, building a snowman just for the fun of it. In the dream, Travis took off his hat and gave it to the snowman to wear. Soon, Travis and Devin were having a snowball fight. They laughed and played, seeming at peace for once.. they even went and got hot chocolate, clinking their cups together in a toast. This was a dream that Travis just never, ever wanted to wake up from. If he held onto hope, maybe he and Devin could even truly live like this. He knew it could never be possible, with his terrible condition, but he’d be glad to live in a fantasy world.
he hoped to stay in that dream for as long as possible. It didn’t last, though, because someone knocking on his door awoke him. He opened his eyes to see Devin standing in the doorway, looked disheveled from slumber.
“Travis..? Sorry I woke you up, it’s just, uh.. I forgot to tell you something. I just remembered.”
Travis squinted his eyes.
“..I’ll be having a friend over tomorrow. I just thought I should tell you. Night, Travis.”
Devin closed the door. Travis didn’t know what to think. He had been avoiding interaction with anyone besides Devin, and having someone who he didn’t know over just sounded scary to him. What if they were rude? Travis didn’t want anyone to come over, but he couldn’t really find a way to express that to Devin. He buried his head in his pillow again, trying to fall asleep. He wondered who would even be coming over, anyway. He didn’t know any of Devin’s other friends. When they came over, he’d just isolate himself or shove himself in a corner. Soon, Travis fell asleep again, dreamless.
Icy cold wind blew in his face as Travis made his way make to his apartment. Travis had went on a walk the next day, trying to clear his head. It had been extremely snowy and cold, temperatures going below zero. Travis didn’t know why he had went out in such frigid conditions. Though, there was nowhere else for him to go, so why bother? Snow blanketed the rooftops, covering them in soft sheets of frost. He passed the convenience store, apartment coming into view. Travis went up the stairs, grabbing his keys out of his pockets. He unlocked the door with a soft click, to see Devin on the couch, along with someone else.
“Oh, hey Trav!”
Devin called to him.
“Huh? Who’s this, Devin?” The guy on the couch asked. Travis didn’t recognize him at all. He had a red, backwards-facing hat, a crimson sweater with a white deer silhouette on it, and was definitely wearing a scowl.
“Oh, did I not tell you about my roommate?” Devin asked him. “This is Travis. And Travis, this is Rusty.”
Travis didn’t like the look of Rusty, and he definitely didn’t want him in his house. He seemed like the type of person to spit in your drink.
“You have a friend over..?” Travis questioned.
“Uh.. yeah? I told you I’d bring someone over last night.” Devin replied.
“I don’t remember that.” Travis said.
“Uh.. it’s alright. It was late at night anyway-“
“I don’t want him here.” Travis interrupted.
“Huh..?” Devin tilted his head.
“I don’t want you here, and neither does Devin.” Travis said, directed at Rusty.
Rusty looked over at Travis from the couch with his brow furrowed. He was looking at Travis like he was judging everything about him.
‘What did he say?” Rusty snarled.
“Uh, nothing, don’t worry about it-“ Devin tried.
“No. WHAT did he say?” Rusty got up from the couch. Travis backed away.
“You have a problem with me?? Did I do something wrong? What? What’d I do, huh?” He challenged.
Travis stayed silent, looking down at his shoes like they were the most interesting things on the planet.
“So? You just not gonna say anything, right after you said you didn’t want me here? What’s wrong with you?”
Devin got up from the couch, standing next to Rusty.
“Dude, stop, he.. he’s got some.. things.”
“Things? What things?” Rusty looked over at him.
“Uh.. like.. mental issues and stuff. He’s.. schizophrenic, too.”
“Huh. Didn’t tell me your roommate was a freak.” Rusty snarked.
“Rusty!” Devin shouted.
“So? Nothing to say anymore, huh?”
Rusty’s insults faded into background noise as Travis’s breathing got heavier. His mind kept screaming,
shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up…
But he didn’t have the guts to say it. Travis’s breathing got even more heavy and uneven, words like “mentally ill creep” from Rusty, and “Rusty, stop!” From Devin sliding into his thoughts. Travis couldn’t take it anymore, tears threatening to fall. He clenched his fist,
and clocked Rusty right in the face.
Rusty almost fell backwards, clutching his head. Red blood began to pour down his nose, pooling slightly at his chin. He stared at Travis, wide eyed
“YOU DAMN-“
Rusty slammed Travis against the wall, his head banging against it with a loud thud. He shot a horrid glare at Travis before leaving the apartment, slamming the door loudly behind him. Travis looked over at Devin, who was panting heavily.
“Why.. y-you..” Devin stammered. Travis stayed sitting on the floor.
“This.. this is YOUR fault.” Devin shouted. “Why won’t you just.. let me have other friends without somehow making them do things like this? You could’ve just stayed quiet! What am I even getting from you being here, anyway?! You don’t talk, you don’t eat, you don’t even give me a simple thank you for everything I do for you! It’s like throwing money at a corpse! I bend over backwards for you, Travis, and you can’t even let me have anything for myself. Y’know, what’s ten years of friendship to me, anyway?! We’re done, Travis. I HATE you. I HATE YOU!”
Travis looked up at him, hugging himself. Devin calmed down slightly, looking at his feet.
“I, uhm.. sorry, Travis, I.. didn’t mean to yell. Just.. leave me alone. Please.”
Devin slowly walked over to his room. Travis stared, eyes unblinking. He sniffled, fighting back a sob. Devin was one of the only people who had actually cared for him, and now he had ruined everything. Why did Devin even side with Rusty, anyway? He was clearly in the wrong! Travis had all the right to hit him! He sighed, biting his lip. He should just give it a day, right? Everything would get better in a day. Devin would forgive him, and everything would be alright. In a day. A day. A day.
Travis woke up in his bed the next morning, sunshine pouring through his window in golden rays. He got up reluctantly from the warm, inviting bed, putting on his hat and jacket. He should check on Devin. After all, things should be cool between them, right? Devin just overreacted last night, right? First, he checked Devin’s room. There was no mattress on the bed, which was odd. Most of Devin’s things were gone, too. Devin wasn’t in the room, either. He walked over to the living room instead, seeing Devin standing there with an unusual smile on his face.
“Hey, best friend!” He said.
“Uhm.. hi? Hey, what happened to your room, dude?” Travis asked.
“I was.. cleaning.” Devin responded.
“Why are you so happy?” Travis asked.
“Huh? It’s nothing! I’m fine!”
“Uhm.. alright.” Travis mumbled.
“I love you and forgive you, Travis.”
“Thank you..? Uh, thanks. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
“It’s okay. I forgive you. I forgive you, Travis. I forgive you.” Devin repeated.
“Uh.. yeah, I get it.” Travis replied. “I’m gonna.. make something to eat.”
Travis walked over to the kitchen. He was about to open the fridge when he saw a note attached to it.
An eviction notice.
Travis gasped.
“Devin..? Devin, what is this? Are we being evicted?!”
“I forgive you, Travis.” Devin said again, like a broken record.
“That.. that’s not what I..” Travis started. “Was I supposed to pay rent this time??”
Until suddenly, it clicked to him.
“Wait, I.. I’m speaking my mind. That only happens in my head. This.. this isn’t real, is it? You’re not actually here, are you, Devin? I’m just hallucinating, aren’t I?!”
Devin had left. He had packed his things, and left. And like the petty person he was, he skipped his turn to pay rent and let Travis get evicted. Before Travis could even have a proper reaction to this, his vision went blank, and he was in his headspace again.
Travis was standing on a grass-covered platform in the sky. There was a statue in front of him, laden with vines and moss. Travis approached it slowly.
“Travis.” He heard a voice say.
“Who are you..? Are you the statue..?” Travis mustered.
“The statue is there to represent me, moron. You are in the deepest layer of your mind. I am your head. Your thoughts.”
“But.. then.. shouldn’t I be able to control you?” Travis tried.
“It is more complicated than that, though I won’t bore you. You have nothing left to live for, Travis. Nothing. It’s best you just get it over with.”
Travis stared at the floor.
“I don’t want to! Not yet..”
“You must do it. What do you have left, Travis? Nothing. Everything is in ruins for you. Why bother living this sick joke of life anymore?”
“I.. I don’t..”
Travis was cut off my howling winds. The sky darkened, turning blood-red.
“Ow! OW! IT HURTS! STOP!” Travis yelled. His head started aching horribly.
“This is something I cannot fix. You must endure it, for now.”
Travis crumpled to the ground, clutching his head as he felt wind pirouette in circles around him, buffeting his hair and clothes. Slowly but surely, the winds calmed down and the sky turned bright blue again, though Travis did not have the strength to get up.
“Listen to me, Travis.” His mind persisted. “Do it.”
Travis sighed, panting.
“Fine. I will. I’ll do it.”
Travis blinked, finding himself back in his apartment on his knees, the eviction notice mocking him on the fridge.
He knew what he had to do.
* * *
Devin exited Rusty’s car, checking his watch.
“Are you sure I made the right choice?” He asked. Devin had just packed his things, calling Rusty and asking him if he could stay at his house for a few days. He’d left Travis in the apartment, partly hoping he’d be okay on his own.
“Damn right you did.” Rusty grumbled. “Guy almost broke my nose. He deserves this.”
“If you say so, I guess..” Devin sighed, walking toward Rusty’s house, a huge cabin.
“Woah, you.. you really live here? This place is massive..” Devin trailed off.
“Yeah. Stupid parents paid for half of it, though. Thought I couldn’t afford this on my own.. tch. Insulting.”
Devin walked in, holding a suitcase. He saw a deer’s head, mounted above Rusty’s fireplace.
“Woah.. is that real?” Devin stared, in awe.
“Yeah. What, don’t like it?”
“No, no, I do…”
“Guest room’s over there. Don’t stay too long.” Rusty pointed to a room on the far left, next to his TV.
Devin wheeled in his suitcase, placing it by the wall. A few minutes went by, and he organized his things. He opened his suitcase, full of clothes, and placed it by the door. He unloaded a few more items, like notebooks and his phone, until he came across one particular object at the bottom of his suitcase.
A picture of him and Travis, from 8th grade.
Devin didn’t remember much about taking it, but something about looking at it just made him feel horrible. He had just left Travis in their apartment, letting him get evicted.. he regretted what he had done. He regretted it a lot. He could’ve just.. talked it out with Travis, right?
He had to go back. He had to go back and get him.
Devin grabbed his coat, hurrying to the living room, where Rusty was sitting on the couch.
“Hey, uh, Rus? Mind if I.. borrow your car? Just for a bit.”
“Huh? Why would you need my car?” He asked. “Are you seriously going back for that Travis dude??”
“God, Rusty, I just.. it’ll be quick, okay? I promise to be back as soon as I can.”
“Fine, whatever, take the car. If you get into an accident, I’m not paying for it. Keys are on the kitchen counter.”
“Thank you, Rusty..” Devin breathed. He ran over to the kitchen, grabbing the keys and stuffing them in his pocket. He ran outside, cold air hitting him, and unlocked Rusty’s car. It was a red truck, that had a few scratch marks on it here and there, and was a bit busted up from the back. Devin started the car, driving back to their apartment. He hoped that Travis hadn’t already left and went somewhere. After a few minutes of driving, he noticed something familiar.
Travis’s car parked in a clearing, being showered with snow.
Devin wondered why it was even there. Quickly, he parked. He exited the car, looking at his surroundings. It was a place close by their apartment, a long stretch of land surrounded by trees. Quickly, he followed Travis’s footsteps left in the snow.
What would Travis be doing in such a secluded area?
He walked, and walked, for a short while, until he saw a shape.
Travis, kneeling in the snow, holding something to his head..?
Devin focused his view, trying to see what it was.
It was metallic.
It glimmered.
Oh god.
A..
A GUN??!!
“TRAVIS!! TRAVIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!” He screamed at the top of his lungs.
“TRAVIS!!!”
Travis froze. He lowered the gun slowly.
“Dev..?”
Devin ran over to him, almost tripping in the snow.
“Oh god, oh god, I’m so sorry, Travis.. I’m so sorry..”
He reached Travis and fell to his knees, hugging him tightly and sobbing into his chest.
“I can’t.. I can’t even imagine what would’ve happened if I hadn’t made it on time.. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for leaving you. I’m so sorry for everything, Trav! It was so petty of me to get you evicted.. I thought you would’ve went to Camryn, not try to kill yourself! you would’ve blown your head off because of me.. God, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.. I’m so, so, so, so, sorry..” Devin cried loudly. Travis didn’t say anything, but simply hugged him back.
“Please forgive me, Travis.. I’m horrible.. I’m a horrible person.. it would’ve been my fault if you died.. I wouldn’t have been able to bear the guilt of seeing you dead in the snow.. please.. I’m sorry..”
Devin hiccuped and sobbed, trembling like a leaf. Travis held him, letting him calm down.
After a short while, Devin stopped crying a bit, though his face was still red and stained with rivulets of tears.
“You.. came back.” Travis finally said.
“Of course I did! I realized how stupid I was!”
“Thank you.” Travis managed.
“I.. I promise I’ll make it up to you. I’ll save up enough money to buy our apartment back. We can stay at Camryn’s in the meantime, and.. oh god, Camryn’ll be so mad at me.. it. It’s okay. I can take the blame. It’s all my fault, I deserve it..”
Devin grabbed the gun, putting it on safety.
“I understand if you don’t forgive me yet.. I don’t forgive myself, either.. but.. please..”
Travis looked down. Devin couldn’t tell what he was thinking, because his face was emotionless.
“Can we.. drive to Camryn’s place? You know his address, right?”
Travis nodded.
“Thank god.. we.. we’ll go there. But first, I need to get my stuff back from Rusty and return his truck.. use your car and follow behind me, because we gotta drive to his house.” Devin wiped his face.
Travis seemed reluctant to go to Rusty’s of all places, but he complied. As Devin entered the truck, he finally started thinking positively again. He and Travis could live together normally once they buy their apartment back, and everything’ll go back to normal for them. After all, Camryn is always there to give them a shoulder to lean on. He’s Travis’s older brother, so of course he’d be willing to help. Maybe if they saved up long enough, and if Camryn was nice enough to let them stay in his house for longer than necessary, they could even afford a type of therapy for Travis. Everything seemed to be going perfect for them at the moment, and devin was so glad that things were finally working out for once.