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Death is all I've ever known. My mother is death. I am death. I'm not just one being. I'm everywhere. I was only made to help out my mother. She does care for me, but I'm made for a job. A job that I've come to loathe. My father was a human so I'm not fully a Reaper. I have human emotions and this job was not built for a human. Seeing death every second. Some way more brutal. Some of kids, elderly, new born. Some from torture, suicide, and ones I don't want to name. The human side of me can't handle it anymore. I can't handle it anymore. Not to mention I've taken physical form just to kill demons. All I've ever known was death. So I want to go too. I want to die. It's not surprising. Though, I've masked this pain to those around me.
Can I even die? I guess I can find out.
I'm scared, though.
I've never seen the other side. Mother said my human side wouldn't be able to comprehend it.
I'm scared to be forgotten.
Dante was the only one who could understand. He's also half human, but he's not a Grim Reaper. So he doesn't fully get it, but he tries. I know he grew up around death, but not to the degree that I have. I think he'd be the only one who'd care if I died. I'm sure Lady, Trish, and everyone else would feel sad, but I've been close with Dante for years now and I'd like to think we're best friends.
I'd be sad without Dante...
I miss Dante right now. He's on a mission. Some nights when I felt the worst he'd hold me. We'd never talk about it though. We pretended it never happened, but I dont think he minds it. I want him to hold me right now.
I'll try not to make any decisions right now. I'll wait for him to come back. He'll know what to do.
...
...
It's been an hour since I last thought those bad things... Dante isn't back yet. I miss him more. Am I too attached? Maybe if he found out I thought of him to this extent he'd be weirded out.
...
...
He should be back soon. I hope he isn't injured. I'd patch him up though.
...
.
The door slams open. It's Dante. I look up quickly. I notice no wounds on him so I let out a sigh of relief.
"Been waiting long for me? Hope it wasn't too boring without me."
His loud voice instantly fills up the room and my shoulders relax.
"You're quieter than usual. Did I somehow piss you off while I was away? Couldn't say that was a first for a scenario like that, hah!"
I'm glad he's being so boisterous. It covers up the negative thoughts in my head. I want him to keep talking.
"But, what's up. Usually you'd say hi by now."
I want you to hold me. I never say that to him when I want that. It's a face. I look up at him and give him a face. His face softens. He knows that look. He nods his head and tells me to come to the couch.
I like sitting on the couch with him. He wraps his arms around me. I instant relax. I lean my head on his chest.
"You wanna talk about it this time?"
...
"Yeah..." I confirm quietly.
"I... well... my thoughts were more negative... I..."
My throat tightens.
"I thought of trying to end it Dante..."
My voice barely above a whisper but with his hearing it's as if I spoke loud and clear. I feel his grip tighten around me. He doesn't say anything for a bit.
"...You... you know you can't do that. I'd... I don't know what I would be able to do with myself if I lost you... I would have failed you too... just like the rest of my family."
Family... I'm his family... I don't want him to think it's his fault.
"It's not your fault Dante it could never be your fault."
"... Then don't.. don't go... because if you go then I feel as though I've failed to help you. I don't care how many times I've got to hold you like this just don't... I don't want to see you dead..."
I hate hearing him hurt.
"I'm sorry..."
His hold gets a bit tighter. Not rough though.
"Don't apologize... it's not your fault for feeling like this... Let me keep helping you, okay? You can always come to me... don't think death is the only way out..."
I wonder what mom is doing right now. Probably guiding souls to the other side. I wonder how she'd react having to guide her little boy to the other side.
Mama, I'm sorry for thinking this way.
"Dante...?"
He nods his head. I look up at him.
"What's up..?"
"I don't like worrying you... thank you for always taking care of me."
He caresses my cheek softly.
"Don't mention it. I like holding you..."
I lean my head back on his chest.
"Can we stay like this...?"
I chcukles dryly.
"Of course we can."