Chapter Text
Sirius knew he’d messed up when Remus invited Gideon Prewett to James and Lily’s wedding. Gideon Prewett who had had his eyes on Sirius Black for years.
It started when they finished school. They were eighteen, free of the boundaries of education and free to do as they pleased, and it pleased Remus Lupin greatly to spend as much time with Sirius as he could. At least, that’s what Sirius had thought.
Instead of continuing the familiar rhythms that he had been accustomed to for the last year of school, Sirius Black found himself pretty much alone.
Instead of continuing their little arrangement, the one that meant that Sirius got to kiss Remus as often as he pleased as long as it was behind closed doors (or behind the curtains of their four poster beds in the Gryffindor boys’ dorms), Sirius found himself ignored.
All attempts at getting Remus alone in his flat were unsuccessful. He always brought Peter or James along, sometimes both, and occasionally Mary, Lily or Marlene.
Of course he couldn’t say to his friends, "oi! Piss off will you? I actually invited Remus over to kiss him stupid like we’ve been doing for months."
Of course none of them knew anything about that at all. And because currently there wasn’t anything going on at all, he couldn’t ask Remus if he could discuss their arrangement with their friends when they didn’t currently even have that arrangement at all.
Surely Remus missed him?
Surely he knew Sirius well enough to know that Sirius was desperately trying to get Remus alone?
Had he not made it clear in his owls by telling Remus that he was welcome anytime? That Sirius was always available?
One evening Sirius spent with James, his brother (he may as well be his brother by this point) turned to him, "okay, I’ve been trying so hard to ignore it and wait for you to talk about it like Lily suggested but…"
"Yes?" Sirius huffed.
"You and Remus." James said as if that was explanation enough.
"Mm?"
"You broke up."
Sirius coughed and spluttered on his drink, "What?"
James just patted his back soothingly, and then left his hand there, brushing hairs out of his eyes with his other hand soothingly, "I’m so sorry Padfoot, that sucks. Remus has made a mistake."
Sirius blinked over and over.
"Split up?"
"Yes. Or have you not?" James looked relieved, but then confused, "you’re both being moody old bastards but if you haven’t broken up and I’m mistaken then that’s great! In which case why are you such a moody old bastard?" He grinned.
"Prongs mate," Sirius shook his head. "We’re just friends. We always have been, always will be."
James snorted, "if that’s what you call friends then I’ll tell Lily next time I kiss her she’s free to date whoever else."
Sirius said nothing, only continued tapping his foot repeatedly on the carpet.
James looked him in the eyes, surprised. "You mean it."
The hand left his back and soon took to their frequent activity of ruffling up James’s hair, "fuck. I really thought that’s what you two were doing in each other’s beds at night," he groaned, "but you really were just holding each other after nightmares."
James groaned into his hands, "I really thought you were gay Pads."
"I am." Sirius rolled his eyes. "And you weren’t wrong; we were shagging."
It was a relief to finally tell someone, even if that someone hadn’t told him that he knew and that Sirius could have had a confidante for a long time and then maybe this would never have happened. Maybe Remus would never have drifted away. Maybe they’d be spending every night in each other’s arms.
James went red but then grinned, "you sly dogs."
Sirius chuckled airily, wiping unexpected tears form his eyes.
James frowned, immediately alert, "Sirius.."
"Oh don’t mind me, I’m just fine." He smiled, standing up and pulling out a cigarette to smoke by the open window.
"You—oh Merlin, you’re actually in love with him. And he rejected you."
Sirius didn’t turn, didn’t say anything. Avoidance was rejection enough he supposed.
Oh Merlin!
That must be what happened. That must be why Remus always brings a friend along as a buffer.
He must know that Sirius is in love with him.
He must know and he must be creating a careful distance between them to help his friend move on.
How did it take him four months to realise that?
Remus was just trying to help him.
Sirius took the cigar out his mouth and stubbed it out. Then he turned to James, "you’re right mate, thank you. I understand now."
Sirius left the room and slipped into his bedroom, changing and getting into bed.
If space is what Remus thinks is best, then space is what he’s going to get.
From that day forward, the avoidance was no longer one sided.
Even when Sirius found himself alone in a room with Remus, he kept his distance, physically and emotionally, keeping every interaction cordial and friendly no matter how much it killed him inside, no matter how attractive Remus looked in a woolly jumper.
After every one of these encounters, he found himself crying in the nearest bathroom but it was worth it. Remus had only been trying to let him down gently.
Remus was clever.
(And that is an assessment that can be made by a friend; it isn’t romantic at all.)
By the time the wedding of his brother James Potter and his fiancée Lily Evans came round in December, Sirius had managed ten minutes in a church alone with Remus without even touching him and he was so proud of himself.
Until Gideon Prewett arrived, kissing Remus’s hand and thanking him for inviting him along, glancing at Sirius, wetting his lips as he studied him.
Until, during the reception he was laughing with Gideon and Remus walked out with a sad smile on his face.
Until Lily Evans Potter patted him on the shoulder, saying gently, "poor old Moony. He’s trying so hard to move on." She frowned, "still, can’t be helped. You can’t help not feeling the same way." She patted his shoulder once again, "I’ll check on him in a minute," she promised, kissing his cheek and thanking him for such a perfect wedding day.
Sirius at once interrupted whatever Gideon was saying (he had no clue), "how riveting! But now, if you don’t mind, I’ve got something to do." And he slipped out the same door Remus had gone through without waiting for a response, without even caring.
"Moony." He greeted urgently.
"Oh." Remus jumped, turning in surprise. "Hello Sirius."
Sirius looked into his eyes, those amber eyes. Those amber eyes filled with quiet devastation.
He had been so focused on himself.
He had been so focused on himself he’d neglected the boy he was supposed to be in love with.
The boy he was in love with.
The boy who was in love with him.
Sirius took Remus’s chin, "oh Moony. You thought I didn’t love you."
Before Remus had any chance to react, Sirius kissed him.
Softly.
Warmly.
Lovingly.
Remus returned the kiss after a few seconds with fervour. His hands went immediately to Sirius’s hair, caressing it as though Sirius were everything Remus held dearest.
They kissed idly, for how long Sirius couldn’t say—and frankly just didn’t care—until the door knocked into Sirius’s backside (that was currently being held by familiar eager hands) and the bride said apologetically and with a giggle, "oops. It’s time for your best man speech Siri, but I’ll tell mum to go first shall I?"
Remus had let Sirius go as soon as the door had swung open and was currently staring out into the distance, his cheeks pink and a delightful grin permanently on his face.
"That would be most kind," Sirius replied with all the politeness he could muster in his flustered state.
Lily chuckled, her green eyes twinkling, then, giving him another kiss to his cheek, she said, "make it quick, and you’re welcome."
She gave startled Sirius a laugh and then, turning away, she slipped back inside, closing the doors firmly behind her.
Sirius cleared his throat, "ahem!"
He cleared it again.
Remus turned and rested his hand on Sirius’s shoulder, smiling.
"Come here, you."
Sirius let himself be pulled into Remus’ arms.
Remus kissed his hair over and over, his strong hold on Sirius only exactly what he needed so Sirius didn’t comment on it.
"Sirius." Remus murmured, running his fingers down his back. "Oh Sirius. Pads…"
Sirius was rendered putty in the werewolf’s gentle hold. He hadn’t used that nickname since Sirius had started avoiding him.
"Love." Remus whispered, kissing his forehead. "Oh my love."
Sirius just hummed.
"So gorgeous." Remus mumbled, but Sirius caught it.
Sirius exhaled loudly.
"You’ve been so tense lately sweetheart," Remus said softly. "James had you doing too much."
"You noticed." Sirius replied.
Remus had been paying attention to him all along.
"I’m in love with you, noticing you is sort of a given." Remus admitted, making Sirius’ whole body warm with joy.
Sirius buried his face into Remus’s shoulder.
"Marry me, Merlin."
"I’m not sure a dead wizard can marry you but will a werewolf do?"
Sirius snorted.
Then, adjusting his hold slightly, he turned and kissed Remus’ neck over and over. "Yes."
Remus let out a beautiful little sigh as Sirius began sucking onto the soft skin of the boy he loved, the boy he’d missed so much.
"Yes."
And, inside the hall, the guests made up all sorts of scandalous scenarios, for the best man was over an hour late for his speech, not that Sirius cared.