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Nate. Nate. Nate.
Bloody hell, he was all Andy ever talked about. Something funny he’d said to her the night before, something ‘sweet’ (bare minimum) he’d done for her, or his apparently amazing grilled cheeses. (Really, Andy?)
Emily hated it.
She hated even more that she had to force herself to smile whenever Andy told her about him now. She used to be able to roll her eyes, scoff, and make a dismissive comment about Andy wasting her time. “Andrea, we have work to do.” She could pass her disdain for him off as her annoyance at Andy.
That was much harder now.
Andy had gotten a makeover recently (courtesy of Nigel, no doubt) and finally started dressing like she belonged at Runway. She had also become exceedingly competent to the point where Emily was begrudgingly impressed at some of the near miracles the girl managed to pull off for Miranda. How the hell had she found that unpublished manuscript?
She was good at her job now. Very good.
So good that she’d taken a surprising amount of pressure off of Emily’s shoulders, Emily no longer had to fix Andy’s mistakes, run errands that Andy wasn’t ready for, or wait around for The Book after already working a sixteen-hour day.
For the first time in months, Emily felt like she could actually breathe at work. And, sometime between more of Miranda’s demands, she’d started letting Andy in.
Not all at once, it had been very gradual. It started in the quiet minutes before scrambling to complete more errands. Andy would ask her a question about her life, and Emily would answer.
The first time it had happened, Andy had asked “What’s your favourite restaurant around here?” A harmless question, but it made Emily pause her typing for a second to look over. She told Andy about the little Italian place a block away, where she went on special occasions. Andy had told her how lovely that sounded and Emily’s chest had done something strange.
If they ever got interrupted, Andy would ask a thoughtful follow-up question hours later when they had a quiet moment again. “What kind of special occasions take you there? Emily was usually so startled that Andy had even cared enough to remember what they were talking about in the first place that she’d answer that too “My birthday, or a week without any Miranda disasters.” and stubbornly ignore the warmth that spread through her when Andy would smile.
Eventually, she found herself telling Andy things that she’d never told anybody else before. “I don’t really talk to my family much,” was something she’d admitted one afternoon after Andy had told her about her dad.
Andy looked her in the eye, nodded with a small smile, and moved on.
Emily didn’t do vulnerable, but she’d discovered that with Andy it wasn’t so bad. Andy never made her feel silly, always listened so intently, and Emily found that she actually felt comfortable with her. She trusted her.
Andy even made her laugh.
Not the polished one she usually uses in the office either, not the one reserved for gossiping with Serena about which assistants were allegedly hooking up, or appraising someone’s outfit. Not the amused scoff she let out whenever Nigel made a pointed comment about how stressed she looked.
Her real one.
Always after everybody else had left the office and Emily had let her perfectly poised and professional mask slip just a little because she knew Andy wouldn’t think any less of her for proving that she actually was human every now and then.
Emily’s heels would be kicked under the desk somewhere and Andy would make a stupid joke about tomorrow’s schedule and Emily would actually laugh before she could stop herself.
Andy would smile at her then, still chuckling herself and Emily was addicted to the sound.
She didn’t have anyone else she was this comfortable letting her guard down with. Nobody else could make her laugh like that, or make her feel like it was okay to just be Emily and that would be enough.
Andy was her best friend.
The realisation was bittersweet, because Andy had lots of friends, and seemed to make new ones automatically everywhere she went, and she also had her boyfriend Nate.
Emily hated Nate.
Quite a lot actually, but she smiled politely whenever Andy mentioned him because that was what frie-...coworkers were supposed to do. Andy who listened to her more than anybody ever had in recent memory. Andy who asked her questions, and remembered little things about her, and who had made it clear time and time again that she cared about Emily. The least Emily could do was pretend to care about Nate.
She smiled, she nodded, she listened to another story about him doing something unbearably stupid. No Andrea I do not find it amusing that he used sugar instead of salt because he didn’t know the kitchen very well yet. She swallowed every unpleasant feeling that his name stirred within her.
Because Emily really hated him.
She hated that he didn’t seem to have any respect at all for Andy’s job. She hated that he made all of Andy’s career milestones about himself. She hated how he seemed to have disdain for everything that made Andy happy.
Most of all, Emily hated that he didn’t understand how lucky he was.
He had Andy Sachs.
He had the kindest, most thoughtful, and most disgustingly earnest person Emily had ever known, and he didn’t understand just how extraordinary she was. Didn’t seem to even notice it really.
It made Emily’s blood boil. Nate didn’t deserve her.
And, if Emily was being truly honest with herself, the biggest reason that she hated Nate was that she was hopelessly in love with Andy Sachs.
And I can wish all that I want,
But it won’t bring us together
Emily woke up with her head pounding, her throat scratching, and her nose dribbling. Panic flared in her as she sat bolt upright. No no no, not today of all days, it’s the benefit tonight, I can’t afford to be sick! I don’t get sick, I don’t-
A sneeze pulled her from her thoughts. She refused to acknowledge the irony.
Great, that was just great. She had been really looking forward to this event, she wanted to be on top form for it. Bloody hell she was supposed to be wearing Valentino tonight, she couldn’t be ill for that. She wanted to look good for the sea of guests whose faces she’d been memorising for weeks, and to perform well for Miranda. But then, when had Emily ever gotten anything she wanted?
She groaned as her nose started to run and she angrily snatched a tissue from her bedside drawers before she got snot on her upper lip. Charming. She stood a little too fast and her head started spinning, she stuck her arm out until her hand landed on a nearby wall. No. She had too much to do today to take it easy. Her body would just have to cooperate.
Another sneeze. That one earned an eyeroll.
Carefully, she got dressed and made herself look immaculate as usual, the only difference in her appearance was that her nose was a little pink, but it would have to do.
Her apartment had never been particularly warm and she shivered as she left her bedroom, she looked over at her kitchen and decided to opt against a cube of cheese today.
She continued walking, her heels clicking on her hardwood floors as she pulled her coat tighter around herself. She took one long long breath before opening her door, sure that it would be the last somewhat relaxing breath she would have today. Okay Emily, get to it.
I know whatever happens to me
I know it’s for the better
Andy had been the only remotely bearable thing about Runway today. Emily’s headache had only gotten worse and she’d run out of the painkillers she usually kept in her desk, every part of her body ached and she had to work so much harder to focus on anything. Her eyes kept streaming and she’d wiped her nose with a tissue so many times that she could feel it raw and stinging. The Runway air conditioning was making it worse and making her already dry throat feel scraped raw.
But Andy was here. Andy was here and she would never have made a show of it, but she’d been taking on bits and pieces of Emily’s work all day.
Emily had mentioned a few days prior that she was dreading calling a particular photographer today. He was universally known to be difficult, always taking at least 40 minutes for what should be a simple 2 minute conversation, it was the next task on her list and she’d been mentally preparing for it as she walked back towards the office after returning some accessories to the fashion closet.
Andy was already on the phone.
“-Ahaha thanks so much Matthew, yes that would work just fine! Yep I’ll just pencil her in there…Okay great! Give my best to the kids, I know they have their band practice tonight! Okay thanks again Matty, bye!”
Did she just call Matthew Eriksen, highly respected fashion photographer “Matty” and…survive?. Wait she’s, she called Matthew? I was supposed to- Emily felt like fainting and it had nothing to do with her cold or lack of breakfast. “Did you just-”
Andy cut her off, “Oh I did him a favour last week, wanted to make sure Runway was in his good graces for today, you know.” She looked down at her desk and shrugged a little “He likes me kind of, so I figured I’d call him instead? Thought it might save us some time”
She’s not blushing. Emily Charlton is absolutely not blushing at the prospect of Andy taking on extra work and going out of her way just because she…wanted to? For Emily? Nope, it’s definitely just the cold, which is also why her eyes are watery right now.
“R-right,” she swallowed a suspicious lump in her throat. “Well, you certainly did.” Should I thank her? “Andrea?”
Andy looked up at her, a small smile on her face. “Yeah?”
This is silly, Andy was just doing her job. “I…never mind.”
“Okay.” Andy nodded and went back to work, she never pushed. That alone made Emily want to thank her all the more, but she went back to work too.
When broken bodies are washed ashore
Who am I to ask for more, more, more?
A few hours later, most of the day's work was finished, she felt like death warmed up, but she still had a long night ahead of her. Andy didn’t have to be there for that though, she could leave. She’d earned that, she’d worked hard enough for herself and for Emily today, and while Emily didn’t really want her to go, it was only fair.
She blew her nose gently, and wiped her streaming eyes, “Right, well everybody will be leaving soon to get ready so I suggest you go and drop Miranda’s Fendi bag off at the showroom and then I suppose you can just go home” I don’t think I’ve ever had a worse headache. She rubbed at her temples aggressively. She was going to miss Andy tonight, just a little bit.
Andy immediately looked delighted and started packing up her desk. Her eagerness to leave made sense, it wasn’t often that you got a break at Runway. Still, it stung just a little bit. “Yeah? Oh well, that is great, perfect actually-!”
Emily kept trying not to take it personally. For God’s sake Emily this isn’t about you. Anyone would be happy to go home early from work, what is wrong with-
“-I need to get to Magnolia Bakery before it closes, it’s Nate’s birthday tonight!”
Nate. Of course. Andy was excited to leave to go and see her boyfriend. Her stupid boyfriend who didn’t appreciate her enough. Him. Emily’s head started pounding harder.
“So we’re uh, having a little party for him, and-”
Emily couldn’t take another word about Nate, not now, not today. She had been so polite about him for so long, but right now the mere mention of him made every part of her body ache worse. She flattened her left palm against her forehead and decided she couldn’t take this anymore. At least her illness would be an excuse.
She moved her right hand in the universal ‘blah blah blah’ motion “Yeah I’m hearing this,” she froze her hand in a closed mouth position. “And I want to hear this.”
Andy wished her goodbye anyway. Of course.
But you’re breathing in my open mouth
You’re the gun in my lips that will blow my brains out
Emily should have been insulted that Miranda wanted Andy to be here tonight too. She should have felt like this was Miranda’s way of telling her that she was dispensable, replaceable, unimportant, and she did feel those things. She felt them deeply, but she was clinging to the small part of her that was happy that this meant Nate wouldn’t get to have Andy at his stupid birthday party.
She tried to ignore the much larger part of her that was just happy that she got to spend more time with Andy today. Andy just…made her relax. She could really use that tonight.
She was mingling with guests when she sensed movement out of the corner of her eye. Andy. She was smiling at Emily so brightly and Emily was sure she’d never seen anybody look more radiant than Andrea Sachs looked right now. She was absolutely beautiful.
Emily’s mouth fell agape. “Oh- oh my God.” Wow really keeping it cool Emily, fucking hell. Her eyes wandered, taking in Andy’s breathtaking outfit. And wow, breathtaking it certainly was.
She tried to raise her eyes, really she did, but it wasn’t Andy’s eyes she was looking at when she said “Andy you look so chic.”
Shit. I called her Andy out loud. Was my staring obvious? Am I being obvious? Oh God what if she’s uncomfortable, what if I shouldn’t have called her Andy, what if that was too much? What if we’re not close enough for me to-
“Aw, thanks Em.” Oh.
Nobody ever called her that. Nobody ever gave her affectionate nicknames. Em. That was who Emily was in Andy's head? Not Emily Charlton, terrifying assistant? Not Emily Charlton, mean colleague? She was just ‘Em’? Once again, the shine in her eyes was definitely just because of the cold.
Andy liked her as more than just a colleague. Emily felt warmer than she had all day, Especially since Andy was now smiling bashfully at the floor as if Emily’s opinion actually mattered to her. I should compliment her more often.
This was dangerous, Andy liking her, because Emily had wished and she’d wanted and she prayed to Gods she didn’t even believe in that Andy would like her. But now that she had something like friendship, she couldn’t stop thinking about all the ways she wanted to spend time with Andy and be close to her. She loved her, loved her so much it hurt, but if this was the best she was going to get, she was going to make the most of it. She could live with that. She could.
I wanna make you drive all night just because I said
“Maybe you should come over.”
“We have to make sure we’re here the moment she walks in.” They’d made it to the centre of the room, the best position to see when Miranda arrived.
They’d just walked in together, so close to each other that their arms had almost been brushing. Close enough that Emily could feel how warm Andy was, she wishes their arms really had brushed. She feels so far away.
Andy starts “Emily? I was wondering how long you think I’m gonna have to stay-”
Ah. That’s right. Andy wanted to leave and get to her boyfriend’s birthday party. She didn’t actually want to be here. That’s why she feels so distant.
Emily had just been overjoyed at the prospect of having someone who thought of her kindly by her side all night, and Andy wanted to be with Nate. She hated him more by the minute. She just wanted to feel a little wanted too, even if it was just as a friend. She wished Andy would choose her.
Please don’t wish you could leave me here. Please. You’re the only thing keeping me upright today. You’re warm, and I need you. Miranda was right to bring you here, please just want to stay. I wish you wanted to stay.
Miranda making her way down the stairs was the perfect excuse to ignore Andy’s question, and also the perfect excuse to steal just a moment of warmth. Just a little. She lightly grabbed both of Andy’s elbows to turn her around. “Oh! There she is!”
The warmth lingering in her fingers afterwards was nice, but equally as devastating. She wanted more. She wasn’t going to get it, and Andy didn’t want to be here.
She sniffled. She didn’t blame it on the cold this time.
“Are you crying?” Andy asked her. It shattered her, she was crying because of Andy and still, Andy is the only one who cared about her enough to notice. This is torture.
“No.” She almost whimpered. Andy, again, didn’t push.
Nate better start acting like he knows how fucking lucky he is.
Wanna make you fall in love as hard as
My poor parents’ teenage daughter
“That’s John Folger. The new artistic director of the Chelsea Rep.” She murmured into Miranda’s ear as the man approached. She’d learned these names well, but her head felt like it was pulsing from the inside. The pressure behind her eyes was painful and her heels had started hurting hours ago but she remained perfectly poised.
Which only made her more annoyed when she turned to see Andy squirming around like a child. For God’s sake it was fine that she didn’t want to be here, it was fine that she didn't want to be here with Emily but she didn’t need to display that to everybody at the event. She still had a job to do.
She put on her best disgusted face “Stop fidgeting!”
It took Andy a second to break herself out of whatever train of thought she was on before she turned to Emily, looked her in the eye for a moment and whispered “I’m sorry-”
That was already enough for Emily. It wasn’t often people actually looked Emily in the eye when they spoke, and if they did it wasn’t for anything good. Looking her in the eye like that and following it with an apology was rare.
Emily forgave her then and there.
“-I’m so late.” Still trying to get to Nate. Nate who would undoubtedly make her feel bad for attending this event in the first place even though she’d had no choice. I really don’t understand what she sees in him at all. I would never-.
She forced herself to stop thinking. Instead she redirected her Nate-fuelled ire into her words. “Just deal with it. You have to be here.” She was so exhausted. Tired of standing, tired of working all day, tired from lack of food, tired of being cold and tired of being angry at Nate. She wasn’t tired of Andy. She hoped Andy knew that.
“Emily?” Andy asked, questioningly, staring off into the crowd.
Emily turned to see Andy beckoning her over, “Come here.” Emily’s heart actually felt like it did a little flip. Glad that her pushing Andy away had apparently lasted all of two seconds. It seems Andy forgave just as quickly as Emily did.
And she wanted Emily to come closer? Emily didn’t need to be asked twice.
Fine, she leaned in maybe a little more than necessary, but Andy was just so warm, and she’d invited Emily over here. She was going to savour this.
“Isn’t that Jacqueline Follet, from French Runway?” It was. And Emily should really move away now that she’d confirmed that, but she stayed. She smells like vanilla.
“Oh my God, and Miranda hates her.” She stared at Andy’s face as she spoke, while Andy wasn’t looking. Tracing her profile, noticing little details and filing them away, all while leaning slightly into Andy’s shoulder. I wish I could stay here all night.
Emily continued explaining, giving information that Andy didn’t need, but which would let Emily stay just a second longer “She was supposed to arrive,-” Emily’s eyes slipped to Andy’s lips. She wanted to kiss them. Nate could never kiss her the way she deserved to be kissed. Emily knew that much. “-after Miranda left.”
She finally pulled herself away, tiredness was a catalyst for losing one’s restraint, and Emily Charlton was so exhausted she would’ve kissed Andrea Sachs in the middle of this event had she stayed next to her for a second longer.
She’ll be the best you ever had
If you let her
They were standing arm to arm and Andy had saved her job. Andy had just saved her job, her future career, and maybe her life. Emily wasn’t sure she’d ever been so sincerely grateful for anybody in her whole life.
The woman she’d been pining for, for months, had just rescued her from so much shame. She’d rescued Miranda and Emily in one fell swoop. Emily was…beyond grateful. She couldn’t even think of a word big enough to describe how she felt.
People don’t do that. Nobody does that. She didn’t have to do that. She could’ve just let me fail to get ahead- that would’ve been the easy thing. People jump at those kinds of chances in this industry. Andy didn’t. Of course she didn't, she's Andy, and that’s why I love her. She’s just - she’s amazing. Hell, I don’t deserve her either.
Emily looked to the side, to see Andy still clearly wanting to leave, and Emily owed her, again. She rolled her eyes at herself, already regretting this “Oh go, go on then, I’ve got it from here.” Please say no.
Andy leaving was the last thing in the world that she wanted right now. She really could do with the extra help to finish up, she was so bone deep tired. But Andy had more than earned this.
She thought about Andy’s enthusiasm to leave this afternoon, how excited she was about getting to go to Nate’s birthday party. Emily hated Nate, but Andy didn’t.
Emily loved Andy more than she would ever hate Nate, and if this is what was going to make her happy, so be it. She was already getting a headache about it.
Andy placed a hand on Emily’s arm “Are you sure?” Not when you do things like that Andy. To be honest I’d rather you kept your hand there all night. But again, when had Emily ever gotten anything she wanted?
“Well…” She trailed off.
Andy took that as a yes. She breathed a sigh of relief and her other hand came up to squeeze Emily’s bicep. “Oh...thank you so much.” This is ridiculous. She just made sure I had a future, and now she’s treating me like I’m her hero. This stupid woman and her lovely warm hands. Andy stop making this harder…Never stop.
“Have fun.” Emily really did want her to have a good time, but she wanted her to stay even more. Andy only dropped one of her hands.
She pulled Emily back in by the arm, just a little, enough to force Emily to look back up at her again as she softly said “Hey,” squeezing her arm one more time. God Andy. “Thank you.”
Andrea Sachs was going to be the death of her. All of this attention and contact for something so little. Nothing compared to what Andy herself had done.
But maybe it was for Andy? Maybe Nate was just as important to Andy as Emily’s career was to her. She felt like throwing up, instead she rolled her eyes and looked away as Andy let go “You’re welcome.” If this was going to make Andy Sachs happy, then it was for the better.
She watched Andy leave until her eyes were too blurry to see out of. It wasn’t the cold.
Know it’s for the better
Know it’s for the better