Chapter Text
Katsuki had figured out the math of it weeks ago: if you make people hate you enough, they won't miss you when you're gone.
So that's exactly what he'd do. He'd make everyone hate him so when he did eventually... nobody would miss him.
And so when he did it, it wouldn't be selfish.
He'd be doing them a favour.
And then, he would be a hero after all.
If he couldn't be a decent hero, at least he would be doing a favour to the world.
He'd make sure the smoke from his palms bit a little too close to people's hearts.
Because he'd rather have them hate him than mourn him.
But for some reason, Izuku refused to do the math.
While the rest of Class 1-A let the numbers balance out and slowly walked away, Izuku kept showing up in the margins. He would silently place a notebook on Katsuki's desk, or sit just one chair too close in the common room, completely refusing to let the sum of Katsuki's actions equal zero.
Shitty Deku.
"Seriously, Bakugo? What is your problem lately?" the voice cut through the low hum of the common room. Kirishima.
And fuck. Katsuki hated seeing his friends view him as they did. But once again, it would all be worth it.
“I’m fine. Fuck off.” he hissed.
“Well obviously you aren’t, because you’re acting like a total dick.” Kaminari muttered from the couch, not even looking up from his phone.
“Maybe because you all won’t get out of my damn face!” Katsuki shouted back, the roar in his voice failing to cover the slight crack at the edge of his words.
“Whatever man, we’re done trying.” Kirishima concluded.
Perfect. That’s exactly what he had needed him to do.
Katsuki turned on his heel, the heavy thud of his boots against the floor sounding entirely too loud in the sudden, freezing silence he’d left behind. Nobody called after him. Nobody stepped up to tell him to cool off.
And he was fine with that.
More than fine.
It was working. They hated him.
He shut the door to his dorm, throwing the key onto the bed.
He didn’t turn on the lights. He didn’t need to see the room he was leaving behind. He didn't need to see the neat, meticulous space he’d kept up for three years.
He slid his back against the cold door frame, his knees rising to his chest.
He was doing them a favour. They would get over being mad. What they wouldn’t get over is mourning a hero who couldn’t even save himself.
Three sharp, hesitant knocks rattled the wood right against Katsuki’s shoulder blade, making his entire frame flinch.
He pressed his back harder against the door, as if he could physically seal the cracks and pretend the room was completely empty.
“Kacchan?” Deku. “Kacchan, I know you’re in there. Please, let me in.
“Why the fuck should I?”
“Because I’m your friend?” Izuku tried to reason.
“Tsk. Me and you are far from friends.”
“Maybe we’re more?”
“What.”
“Forget I said anything. Just let me in.”
"I said no," Katsuki yelled out, refusing to let his mind linger on whatever nonsense Deku was spouting.
“No, you said ‘Why should I?’. I gave you a reason.”
“Don’t get smart with me you dumb fucker.”
“Sorry.”
A heavy silence settled through the thick wood of the door, the sort of quiet that felt entirely too heavy for the small space separating them.
Katsuki let his head thud against the doorframe, his jaw tight enough to snap.
On the other side, Deku shifted. Not to leave. Just to get more comfortable.
Katsuki could hear it. The tiny rustle of his hoodie.
“So, you hungry?”
“No.” another lie from Katsuki. “Oh, and, stop breathing so loud. It’s fucking annoying.”
"Sorry!"
"Don't say sorry."
“!...okay."
A tiny, muffled huff. Was that a laugh?
“Are you laughing at me, nerd?”
“What, no! It’s just-“
Katsuki opened the door.
Izuku blinked up when it moved. "...hi."
Katsuki stared at him for half a second.
Tired. Pissed. Something else he refused to name.
Then he reached down, grabbed the front of Izuku's hoodie, and yanked.
“K-Kacchan!”
The door slammed shut behind them.
"Don't just sit in my hallway like a lost puppy," Katsuki growled, letting go like he'd been burned. He shoved his hands in his pockets so Izuku wouldn't see them shaking.
Izuku landed in a crouch, blinking up at him from the floor. Hair a mess. Eyes wide. "You-you let me in."
“Don’t get used to it, idiot.”
“Wouldn’t,” Izuku almost laughed. Almost because if he had, he would have probably been murdered.
The first gray light was bleeding through the blinds when Katsuki's eyes snapped open.
He was on the floor.
Izuku was asleep next to him.
Curled up. Head tipped toward Katsuki's shoulder, breathing slow and even.
To be fair, he had expected the nerd to stay the night. All things considered.
But, he couldn’t have this. He needed everyone to hate him.
The thought hit like ice water.
This.
Izuku’s warmth.
The first time he had slept properly in weeks.
He couldn’t have it.
It wasn't part of the equation.
He imagined Izuku’s reaction.
If he did it.
If he followed through with the plan he'd been carving into his head for weeks.
“Shit.” he cursed under his breath.
Katsuki exhaled. Long. Shaky.
"I won’t today," he said, so quiet only the dark heard it.
The equation was wrong.
And for the first time in weeks, he was glad it was.