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Lando always thought that once he’d meet his “soulmate”, his partner forever, he’d just know from the start.
He thought that he’d look into their eyes and he’d see their future together. Their family, however big or small, their house or an apartment, their life.
He was obviously too embarrassed to voice any of those things to anyone, but he never stopped believing it.
And so he kept waiting and with every partner, with every relationship that didn’t last, he just assured himself that his “one” was out there somewhere and they’d find each other eventually.
Because they were meant to be.
So imagine his surprise when he realised that slowly, so slowly he literally missed it, he’d fallen in love with his teammate.
With his best friend who had come into his life and who at first seemed like nothing more than a teammate and a rival.
But then Lando got to know him.
And suddenly, Oscar became so much more. He became his favourite person in the entire world.
His first choice when deciding who to hang out with, his first call when he felt down and sad, his emergency contact when the anxiety became too much.
Osc made his way into his heart so steadily and subtly that he just didn’t realise.
He didn’t recognise the feeling he got when he watched Oscar laugh, as adoration. He didn’t know that the flutter of something in his stomach when Oscar texted him late at night and they sneaked out of their hotel to get a late night meal, were butterflies. He didn’t fucking see that the fact he only ever wanted to be with Oscar, to spend time together, just them, that he wanted to laugh with him at silly things, to yap to him about random TV shows he was watching meant he was falling in love with him.
He thought it was friendship. He thought he found his platonic soulmate, that the way it just felt right was because they were meant to be best friends, no matter how childish that sounds.
And he believed that until it was too late.
Until he was faced with the harsh reality of how much stronger his feelings actually were.
It slapped him in the face.
It punched him in the gut.
It ripped his heart out.
And standing there, holding it bleeding, was no one else but Oscar.
He threw it to the ground and broke it into a million pieces.
All that with only five words
Five words that ruined Lando’s life.
Five words that rid him of every ounce of happiness he’d ever felt.
Five fucking words that he wished he could’ve unheard.
But he couldn’t. They were burned into his mind and they were bound to echo in his head forever.
“Lily and I are engaged.”
Lando was sitting at the table in his favourite smoothie shop, post team meeting, sipping on a smoothie (obviously), phone in hand, when the door opened.
The bell chimed and he looked up, smiling instantly when he saw it was Oscar.
He waved his hand and Oscar headed his way.
“Hey,” he said and they did the “guy-handshake-slash-hug” thing before Osc took the chair opposite him.
He had this kind of glowing energy around him. His face was much more relaxed and there seemed to be no tension in his shoulders.
He seemed content. Lando’s heart warmed at the sight.
“You look happy. Summer break good?” He asked.
They hadn’t seen each other during the break and they didn’t have time to catch up before the team meeting so Oscar suggested they grab a smoothie together afterwards and chat.
“Yeah, it was really great being home and seeing my family. Also Lily came with me so it was really awesome.”
Something in Lando’s chest tightened at the mention of Oscar’s girlfriend.
It always did, though he never paid it much attention.
“Well, I’m glad you had fun.” He said and smiled, ignoring the weird feeling.
“Actually, that’s also why I invited you out. I wanted to tell you something.”
The tightness intensified and a pit started opening up in his stomach.
He felt, so deeply, so intuitively, that something bad was about to happen.
But since rationally it made no sense, he pushed it down and focused on Oscar.
“Yeah? What’s going on?”
Osc took a deep breath before a wide grin split his face. “Lily and I are engaged.”
Everything. Fucking. Stopped.
Lando’s whole body froze, except for his heart that picked up its pace, making it twice as fast.
Blood roared in his ears and his breaths turned choppy.
Fuck, fuck, fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck…
What was happening to him?
And Oscar was still waiting for his response!
Fuck, he needed to get his shit together.
“Wow,” he croaked, then coughed, clearing his throat. “That’s… congrats, mate.” His throat was dry, the words coming out raspy.
His eyes started burning.
He could faintly hear Oscar talking again, but he couldn’t comprehend a word he said.
The only words he could make out were the ones that made a home inside his mind, playing on repeat.
Lily and I are engaged… Lily and I are engaged… Engaged… Engaged…
Oscar engaged with Lily.
On and on and on again, until a headache formed behind his eyes.
“Lando!” A voice snapped him out of his trance.
He blinked and found Oscar looking at him, frowning.
“Sorry, what’d you say?” He asked.
“Seriously, Lan? I just asked you if you’d be my best man and you just zoned out?”
So apparently it could get worse.
“I… sorry… I just… I’m not really… feeling well.”
“Oh. You okay?” Oscar’s voice was mostly angry and irritated, but there was also a hint of concern.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine… I just… umm… sorry, fuck, does the best man question still stand?” The words physically hurt him to say.
“Yeah, obviously. I’d like you to be my best man. You’re already my best friend and I don’t want anyone else standing behind me when I marry the love of my life.” He smiled.
A part, and not a small one, of Lando died.
“Okay… I mean… yeah, of course I’ll do it.” He faked a smile of his own, hoping it would erase this… weirdness.
“Thanks.” Oscar’s brow furrowed again. “Hey, man, are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look so good.”
So the smile didn’t work. Okay then.
“Yeah, I should probably go home. I’m a little tired and… the heat’s probably getting to me.”
“Okay. Well… text me later how’re you doing, alright?”
“I will.” He got up, his thighs hitting the edge of the table, but he barely felt it.
He attempted to smile at Oscar, genuinely this time, but it came out as a grimace, so he just grabbed his phone and left.
He didn’t remember how he got back to his apartment.
But then finally the door shut behind him and he was alone.
All of his energy left him and he slid down to the floor, back to the closed door.
He started shaking and his vision was blurry.
He realised that the shaking was because he was sobbing and the blurriness was caused by tears that were out of nowhere falling down his cheeks.
And then he registered the pained sounds leaving his own mouth.
They were full of anguish and agony.
He tried to control his breathing but he couldn’t. He didn’t even try to stop himself from crying.
Because suddenly all of it made sense.
It hit him like a Mack truck.
All the strange feelings that appeared when Oscar was near, the nervousness, the “rightness” of all of the time they’d spent together, how good it felt to just be with Osc. The strange tightness in his chest whenever he mentioned Lily, the jealousy he’d written off as a fluke or as the old-as-time battle of best friends and significant others.
He was fucking in love with Oscar Piastri and he didn’t even know.
He loved Oscar so much it brought him physical pain.
And now, when he finally realised, Oscar was engaged to someone else because that’s what it fucking took for Lando to make sense of his own feelings.
The sobs slowly died down, but the tears didn’t stop flowing.
And he didn’t get up from the floor.
Not even when the sun peeked in through the windows.
Not even when his phone started vibrating somewhere near him.
He didn’t care.
It could wait.
It could wait for the rest of his life for all he cared, because he was in love with Oscar and Oscar didn’t love him back.
Nothing else mattered.
Not to him anyway.
He was definitely the worst best man in the history of best men.
He had no idea how he managed to plan a bachelor party, but he did, and then he proceeded to get so drunk he didn’t remember anything from the night other than that Logan and Oscar had to basically carry him back to his apartment.
After that he apologised to Oscar and even though he assured him it was fine, they were all drunk, he apologised more than once.
He was never sure if he apologised already or if he just conjured it up in his mind.
It felt as if he were going mad.
He didn’t remember much from the time between his world fell apart and the actual wedding.
It was a blur.
He had no idea what time, day or month it was most of the time. He went through the race weekends and he tried to not be completely shit.
That was fine. Racing was probably the only thing that could make him focus on something.
But then he came to his hotel room or his apartment and he cried himself to sleep. Sometimes he woke up on the floor with no memory of what happened the night before.
And to make matters worse, Oscar was always talking about the wedding, or Lily, or how excited he was.
He was also posting about it on his social media that Lando stalked like a weirdo.
And he was obviously happy for Osc. He really, truly, one hundred percent was.
But it was hell for him.
It was torture.
He wanted it to end.
He wished it would just stop. He wished he could stop loving Oscar with the snap of his fingers, he prayed that one time, when Osc was chattering his ear of about the wedding troubles, he could just smile and laugh with him and mean it.
But it didn’t happen.
And then suddenly, the wait was over.
The wedding was happening tomorrow.
He cried himself to sleep again.
The ceremony went by slowly. Lando had a hard time keeping his composure when all he wanted to do was break down and cry.
A few tears did escape him, but he could always blame it on being touched and happy for his friend. Many people were crying. It wasn’t weird.
The hardest part were the vows. Oscar saying all the reasons why he loved Lily, the way he described her as his favourite person in the whole world and the fact that they couldn’t stop smiling at each other while wiping of their own tears of happiness…
He had to bite down so hard on his bottom lip to stop himself from making any kind of a pained sound that he tasted blood.
Everything hurt. His limbs, his head, his eyes, his heart, his soul.
The last two were screaming at Oscar, begging him to see them. To see Lando as someone more than a friend. They screamed for him to change his mind. To turn around and wrap his arms around Lando, to whisper that he was sorry, that he loved him, that he was choosing him.
He wished they would just shut up and stop making it harder for him, because none of those things happened.
Oscar didn’t turn around. He didn’t tell him he loved him.
No, he said those three words to the woman opposite him.
Along with the two words that made it final.
They went to the collection of phrases that kept Lando up at night.
“I do.”
Then it was over. It was done.
Oscar was married to Lily and Lando’s heart was somewhere on the ground, bleeding without anyone noticing.
And even though agony was coursing through his veins, he put on a smile. It was so fake it probably hurt to look at it, but a part of him hoped it hurt them.
He wanted everyone to be hurting as much as he was when he offered his congratulations to the newly wed couple, when he complimented Lily on her dress, when he joked with Oscar about crying during the ceremony.
Then he moved away and hurried to the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and took a deep breath, willing the tears to stay at bay.
He had to push through. He couldn’t give in, because he still had to make his best man speech and jeez, that would be crazy weird and embarrassing if he started crying while talking about Oscar.
For everyone but him, of course.
So he rubbed his eyes and splashed cold water on his face and then he forced himself to plaster on another fake smile and walk out.
The reception was in the garden of the villa where the wedding was held, not far away from where the ceremony took place. There was a huge white tent put up with many circular tables covered in white table cloths underneath it, along with a bar and a dance floor.
Lando found his seat on Oscar’s left. He greeted Oscar and Lily’s families and sat down.
The food was brought moments later. It was delicious.
Not that he’d know because he barely registered any of it, all of it having the same no-taste for him, but everyone said it was amazing, so he supposed it was true.
After dinner, Lily’s father made the first toast, followed by Oscar.
He thanked the guests for coming, he thanked Lily’s parents for raising such a beautiful and kind person that Lily was and for accepting him into their family, he thanked Lily for choosing him, for loving him.
Then the maid of honour gave her speech. It was funny and teary (based on the other guests’ reactions) and everyone was clapping afterwards.
And suddenly it was his turn.
He stood up and cleared his throat. Everyone was quiet, watching him.
It was uncomfortable as all hell, but he managed to push it out and focus on the speech he prepared.
His hand shook slightly as he held up the paper.
“Hi everyone, my name is Lando and I promise my speech won’t be too long. I know we’re all excited for the cake, so I’ll make it as swift and embarrassing for Oscar as possible.” A few of the guests chuckled. “So, here we go. I’d met Oscar few years ago when we became teammates and we definitely didn’t become friends right away, mostly because he was very awkward and I was his idol from a very young age, so for him it was like meeting his childhood hero.”Oscar shook his head as the people laughed and Lando’s throat tightened. “But then slowly we became best friends. And I know it’s not the most bro thing to say, but I just need to say it. Oscar is the most amazing person out there. He’s kind, he’s funny and so supportive. He’s always there for everyone whenever they need him. He’s been there for me so many times that I can’t even begin to count it and I’m so grateful to have him as my friend and as my teammate. So even though I should probably say something like ‘Lily, I can’t believe you manage to put up with him’, I need to ask you to please look after him. Because sometimes he likes to only think about others and he forgets to think about himself. And he needs someone to remind him not to put himself last.” His voice wobbled as he looked at Lily, who was looking at him with teary eyes of her own. “Can you please do that? Can you remind him? And can you look after him, when he doesn’t look after himself?” He asked, honestly not caring that there were so many people watching them. He held Lily’s gaze and saw her inhale sharply as her eyes welled up even more, a couple of tears escaping her.
He knew then.
He knew that she knew.
She understood.
He swallowed.
But she just nodded and smiled at him. “I promise.” She mouthed.
He was certain that his voice wasn’t going to hold up much longer, that he wasn’t going to hold up much longer, and so he only said, “I wish you guys all the best. You seriously deserve it and I just know you’ve found it in each other. I love you.”
He adressed it to both of them, but he (and now Lily) knew who it was meant for. It was his only chance to ever voice it out loud.
He just hoped Lily would forgive him.
“To the newly weds!” He exclaimed and everyone cheered.
He put the mic down and then everyone gasped as the cake was brought out and the attention moved away from him and from his probably weird and confusing speech.
And as Oscar and Lily moved to cut the cake, he knew that he couldn’t hold on to his fake front any longer.
He got up and disappeared outside.
He started running. He raced through the large garden and he noticed a bridge far enough from the tent across a body of water that was almost hidden from view by trees.
He stopped there, leaning against the railing as the first sobs escaped his throat.
He let them.
His shoulders were shaking uncontrollably as he finally let the tears fall.
He cried until he couldn’t breathe. He cried until his eyes dried, but the agony didn’t vanish.
No.
It was there, forever present.
He knew it would always be there.
He’d just have to learn to live with it.
Because some wounds just don’t heal.