Archive of Our Own

Rui’s hand slides into Tsukasa’s, and the audience claps.

On his other side stands Nene, and beside her is Emu. They’re all connected, standing in a line, and Rui lifts the palms he’s holding up in the air, and follows them back down with a bow. He doesn’t usually stand in the middle of the stage, but in this instance it had ended up the most natural order. The crowd continues to applaud, and Rui’s chest tightens at the tug on his hand, the meaningful squeeze with a thousand different translations, but then he realises it’s just Tsukasa leading them into the final bow before the curtains draw. Rui smiles and stares at the luminescent tape by their feet.

“Despite everything, that actually went…really well,” Nene says, and Rui lets her hand detach from his so she can push her hair back. He would usually let go of Tsukasa’s hand now too, but today, he doesn’t. 

“It went super well!” Emu bounces forwards. “Compared to this morning’s rehearsal, we had way less things exploding that shouldn’t!”

“It was only one thing, and it wasn’t my fault!” Tsukasa steps away, and Rui loses his grip. It was nice whilst it lasted, he supposes. But the show is over now. They have to clean up. “It was a great success! But of course it was! Something like this is nothing for us! We could set up and perform a show in less than thirty minutes if we had to!”

“Let’s not tempt fate…” Nene says, and though she looks tired, she’s clearly happy too. They all are. Due to scheduling, they had only arrived at the stage this morning with all their luggage and props, had until noon to set up, and then a few more hours to half-complete a very chaotic and somewhat shambolic dress rehearsal that had apparently been the key they needed to deliver a perfect performance at six o’clock. They ate lunch over their stage plans. Their suitcases are still waiting backstage. The only thing they’ve unpacked is their stage outfits, for obvious reasons.

“The organisers are happy for us to leave our props here overnight, so let’s just make sure the stage is ready for tomorrow’s performance, okay?” Rui bends down to pick up a piece of blue confetti on the floor, cheerful and bright. “I’ll go reset the lighting equipment and then help you here. It shouldn’t take too long.”

“I can do it,” Tsukasa offers suddenly. Rui blinks. “I mean- that stuff is heavy, right? It’s not fair if you have to carry it up and down every time!”

“I don’t mind. I’m used to it.” 

“Well, today you can be used to something else!” Tsukasa thumps a hand against his chest, a sure sign he’s already made up his mind. “I’ll sort everything backstage, too!”

“Then, should I help you?”

“No, there’s no need! This is the sign of a devoted and hardworking boyfriend! Just watch! Leave it to me!”

“Ah…but…” There’s no time to argue. Tsukasa has already gone. It’s a nice gesture, Rui knows it is, but a gnawing sensation of disappointment is rearing its familiar head. It shouldn’t be. The voice that tells him that Tsukasa is once again avoiding him, once again trying to step back and flee- it’s not a voice worth listening to. Even if it’s started to become a frequent presence in his mind over the past month. It will take Tsukasa a lot longer to sort the lighting equipment because he isn’t familiar with it. It makes no sense. It’s a nice thing. Rui picks up another piece of confetti.

“It’s going to take you a while to clean that up if that's the approach you’re taking,” Nene comments, and Rui brings himself back to attention. “Are you okay?”

“Ah, of course.” He almost convinces himself with his smile. “Just a little tired.”

“That’s unlike you.”

“It’s quite warm too,” Rui tries.

“Hmm…”

“I like Rui-kun’s way of cleaning up!” Emu pounces forward across the stage, grabbing bunches of confetti on her way. “We can have a competition to see how many we can get! One! Two! Five! Nine!”

“There’s a brush backstage,” Nene says, but the confetti is already nearly collected up now. Her sigh lacks any real exasperation as she starts collecting up the set pieces to move to their places on the wing. “Tsukasa already left?”

“Yes,” Rui says.

“I know, let’s all go to the beach afterwards!” Emu springs up, stray confetti spilling from her hands as she jumps. “We can get drinks and snacks before we go back to the hotel!”

“Well, so long as we’re not too tired…” Nene eyes Rui.

“No, it sounds fun. We might as well take advantage of our environment whilst we’re here, right? After all, it’s been a while since we were able to perform at a place like this.”

Not quite the resort it was last time, but still a perfectly lovely seaside village. They had been asked to perform somewhat last minute, but the show is a relatively short one with just one act, designed to be accessible for both children and adults. They don’t get many chances to perform lighthearted scenes like this much anymore, so the break is a welcome one. Not that Rui has any issue with their usual high intensity scenery, but it’s nice to know his and his friends’ futures aren’t hanging off a single performance or song.

Today is also their first performance since things changed between him and Tsukasa. It's still uncharted territory, something he's not fully sure how to properly navigate. It should have been a good change, and it had felt like one at first, but now Rui finds himself less focused on the ‘good’ and more concerned with the ‘change’.

Rui contemplates the now cleared stage and wonders if Tsukasa is finished yet. He could send a text, but…

“Let's go go go!” Emu's voice cuts across the stage, so striking it practically ruffles the curtain. Hopefully there's no audience lingering on the other side. “Tsukasa-kun, are you done yet? Tsukasa-kun-!”

The reply is muffled. “Almost! I'll be done in no time at all!”

As expected, he's struggling. Rui inhales shallowly and decides he must breach the barrier, or else his lighting equipment may end up a tangled monstrosity. Though, when he makes his way backstage, most of the pieces are where they need to be. Surprising, as Rui had never actually taught Tsukasa where each part goes. Still, there's a few parts unaccounted for, and Tsukasa is leaning in front of them, frowning deeply. Rui goes to put a hand on his back, then stops himself.

“Tsukasa-kun,” he says instead. There's no power connected, yet Tsukasa jolts as if zapped anyway.

“Rui!” He makes a decisive grab at a random wire, as if to suggest informed confidence. Rui smiles. “I said I was almost finished! You didn't need to come check on me.”

“Of course I'm not doubting you,” Rui says. “But don't you think that case is a little small for that equipment?”

“There's another case? Ugh, I was wondering why it wouldn't close…”

“Let me help you.” But when Rui steps forward, he can't miss the way Tsukasa bristles, a now common reaction that Rui had never seen before last month.

“You don't have to do that!” Tsukasa declares. “I'm capable, aren't I? Very capable! You don't need to worry! Go relax with the others!”

“I know you’re capable.” Rui rescues a set of wires squished into the front of an equipment box. “I don’t mind helping you. Like I said, I usually always do this myself.”

“But you shouldn’t have to. And I don’t want to cause trouble for you!”

“It’s not causing me trouble.” Rui can’t understand at all. There’s something unspoken here he’s not hearing, though it sounds a bit like ‘go away’. It can’t be, because Tsukasa would never tell him that. Or at least, not the Tsukasa he knew before.

“I would’ve been fine,” Tsukasa mutters as Rui successfully clasps the case shut.

“I know.” Then something happens that never usually happens when he’s with Tsukasa- a terrible, long, awkward silence. Rui swallows. “We’re…going to the beach. If you’d like to join.”

“Oh! That sounds-!” Tsukasa halts mid-grin. “...Do you want me to come?”

What an insane question. “Yes?”

“Okay.” Tsukasa nods, then shifts uncertainly with the same expression he makes when he needs extra direction for a scene. But Rui has no idea what guidance to give him, since he can’t figure out what kind of role Tsukasa is playing right now. 

“Shall we get going?” Rui tries.

“Yes!” He doesn’t move until Rui does. They’re side by side, and Rui wants to offer his hand to Tsukasa once again, but it feels vaguely inappropriate with how stilted Tsukasa is right now. He barely moves his arms as they walk and seems intent on keeping a very deliberate gap between their shoulders. It’s like he’s convinced himself he’s about to catch a cold, the same way as when he’d sneezed three times in a row the other week, but even then he’d dropped their distance after half a day. It’s been much longer than that now.

Actually, if Rui thinks more, everything about Tsukasa’s body language suggests he’s trying to avoid giving Rui any chance to take his hand. Keeping his arm by his side, maintaining distance…all the signs are there. That's a slightly crushing thought. Rui tucks his fingers into his palm and tries to ignore it.

The sea breeze is nice, a refreshing respite from the summer heat that clings to the air despite the setting sun. The layout of the path and the stairs down to the beach is so reminiscent of their last beach show that Rui has to remind himself how old he is. It’s a gentle waft of nostalgia, and he smiles despite his anxious mind.

“Doesn’t it kinda feel like we were just here?” Emu asks, turning so she’s walking backwards to face them. “Even though it was so many years ago!”

“I thought so too!” Tsukasa says. “If you look out at the water, you can barely tell we’re anywhere different at all.”

“It really is familiar, isn’t it?” Rui says. “Even though we’ve never been here before.”

“Watch out,” Nene says, stopping Emu before she can back up into a street light. “But, yeah. I think so too. It’s…nice.”

“There’s less rocks here though, so there might not be many crabs…” Emu quickly perks up. “But there’s so many pretty lights that it kinda feels like seeing lots and lots of little jellyfish!”

“And not a single bulb has blown,” Rui notes. “They must be very well cared for.”

“I guess every beach is a little different!” Emu twists back again. “But we’re still together, just the same as before!”

Rui holds those words tightly, letting the warmth settle in his chest. Glancing at Tsukasa reveals he’s smiling softly too, and the expression makes Rui even more keen to hold their hands together and close the gap between their shoulders. But it wouldn’t be right to alarm him. Tsukasa is more shy with romance than Rui would’ve first assumed. Even if he displays bravado, his face will always betray him. Rui often fondly remembers the fantastic shade of red Tsukasa had been when he firmly declared his feelings those two months ago. How nice it would be to see it again.

Instead, Rui just rolls his head a little in Tsukasa’s direction. “You know, there’s one very important thing that’s different between now and last time.”

Tsukasa eyes him. “You mean…”

“Yes.” Rui nods solemnly. “We don’t have any fireworks this time.”

“Don’t say that like it's a bad thing!

“Isn’t it though? You had so much fun last time, if I remember correctly.”

“You’re not remembering correctly at all! You tried to set me on fire!”

“What…?” Rui’s face drops, though he’s beyond delighted that he’s finally talking to Tsukasa again like normal. He hasn’t been switched with a robot. He’s still himself. “You didn’t enjoy it…? Even though I made sure to save a special set of sparklers just for you…? You’re hurting my feelings…I’m so sad…I only ever wanted to explode you, Tsukasa-kun…”

“You’re-” Tsukasa’s mouth shuts abruptly mid-syllable, and Rui waits patiently for the wonderful display of lecturing and yelling, but there’s nothing. The fire has suddenly diminished and now there’s only smoke. Tsukasa instead lifts his chin with a composed and terribly boring expression. “I recognise that it meant a lot to you. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“...What? No, I didn’t…I wasn’t being…serious.” Admitting that so plainly is so wrong that Rui is stunned into silence, staring down at the ground as they walk. Nothing like this has ever happened before. Tsukasa isn’t supposed to give up. He’s not supposed to apologise.

On the beach, Rui draws his legs up to his chest, not surprised when Tsukasa chooses to chase after Emu down to the beach in a fit of ‘you can’t go in the water it’s too cold’ and ‘we still have to walk back to the hotel after’. Rui distantly wonders if he was to go down there if Tsukasa would yell at him too. Probably not. What a sad thought. 

It should be cheering to watch Tsukasa try and fail to stop Emu from wading into the ocean, but instead it feels like a reminder that only his own presence evokes this bugged, bootleg version of Tsukasa. Is he really so uncomfortable? Their once bright and colourful friendship has been washed down into a beige and lifeless romance. In none of his fantasies did things ever turn out like this. Silence, certainly, rejection, often, but not this. Rui can’t think what it was he did wrong enough to end up with such a result. Maybe Tsukasa just doesn’t like him anymore. Maybe he never did and it was actually a big mistake but now he’s too scared to back out and hurt Rui’s feelings. Maybe this is all his fault.

“You’re planning a new show already?”

Rui looks up and sees Nene standing above him, her eyebrows raised. She’s holding the plastic bag of snacks they bought from the convenience store on the way here. 

“What do you mean?” Rui asks.

“You’ve got that overthinking expression like when you’re trying to plot a performance. Like you’re trying to problem-solve.”

“...It’s something like that.” Rui tries to cheer up his expression so he won’t worry his friend, but Nene takes a seat beside him anyway. She hands him a soda from the bag, still cold with condensation. In the distance, Tsukasa yells as Emu gleefully splashes water up over his head. He’s trying to stop his hair from getting messed up, though it already is. “I might’ve ruined something very good, and I don’t know how to get it back.”

“Soldering?” Nene asks, and Rui shakes his head. “Then, Tsukasa?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Well, if it’s not a show, it’s usually one of those things you’re thinking about.” Nene shrugs. “What’s the problem? Do I want to know? Don’t tell me you’ve already had a fight.”

“We haven’t had a fight. Though it might be better if we had.” Rui cradles the drink in his hand, cool on his skin. “I just…worry Tsukasa-kun may have made a mistake. I hope this isn’t all a big misunderstanding.”

“...I’d say you’re stupid, but I think you’re just a director.”

“Hm?”

“I mean, think about it. You’re too used to watching from the wings and overthinking all the small details, but if you ask anyone in the audience, they’ll tell you a completely different story, because they’re watching from the most objective viewpoint. They’re further away, but they have the most perspective out of anybody.”

“I’m not sure I follow?”

“You’re saying you’re worried Tsukasa doesn’t actually want to date you, or that you’ve actually been incompatible this whole time.”

“Well…something like that, yes.”

“And I’m saying that me and Emu have been in the audience for years, and that judgement is definitely not true. And also that the audience has been going crazy. And that I want a refund.”

“You sound so sure.” Rui frowns. “But Tsukasa-kun just seems so…uncomfortable around me.”

“Tsukasa acting weird isn’t weird.”

“But it’s so out-of-character.”

“You think he acted too hard in the show?”

“It’s not that kind of out-of-character.”

“Then maybe Tsukasa is just stupid.” Nene follows his gaze to the chaos on the shore. “You know, if there was something really wrong, he’d tell you.”

“I know.”

“And if you’re worried, you can tell him too.”

“...I know.”

It’s an easy solution to say it’s all in his head, especially from this distance, but there’s no way he’s imagining it when Tsukasa steps firmly away from him on the walk back to the hotel. Maybe he’s not feeling well. Maybe he’s tired. If they get a chance before tomorrow’s rehearsal, Rui will ask. Today has been too long, and he’s not ready for what he might have to hear.

“Otori-san…” The receptionist tilts her head at the screen. “Ah, here. Two double rooms. You’re in three-two-eight and three-two-six. Breakfast is served from seven, just over in the hall there.”

“Okay, thank you!” Emu takes the keycards, turning back to the others. “Here you go!”

“Wait.” Nene says it before Rui can. “Double?”

“Yeah! Two rooms. Double times two, because there’s four of us! We’re sharing like we always do! Do you want to get breakfast together in the morning? I heard that it’s super yummy!”

“Of course!” Tsukasa says. “If it’s a buffet, then there’s really no questioning it.” 

“Wait.” Nene’s voice is firmer this time. “Emu. Double doesn’t mean two beds. That’s twin. Double rooms only have one bed.”

“Huh? Really? I didn’t know!” She seems to notice their - or at the very least, Rui’s - expression. “Um, should I see if we can still swap?”

A sinking feeling hits Rui’s chest even as Emu turns back to the desk, waving her arms around at the bemused receptionist. All he can do is not meet eyes with Tsukasa, staring pointedly at his suitcase instead. If it’s two beds between the four of them, the division is pretty clear cut. It’s not a big deal, or it shouldn’t be, because they’ve all shared rooms before, and honestly, if this had happened six months ago, he wouldn’t really have cared about the bed at all, but, now…

“Sorry.” Emu returns to deliver the bad news. “They don’t have any twin rooms left tonight. But it should be okay, right? She said all the rooms have AC, so even if we’re sharing it won’t be too hot!”

“The real danger is that you’re going to crush me in my sleep again…” Nene mutters. 

“Aw, but Nene-chan, you’re so soft! I thought you were a cuddly toy!”

Rui finally looks to Tsukasa, who doesn’t really have much of an expression at all. Vaguely contemplative, like his first time reading a new script, if anything.

“It’s okay,” Rui assures him. “I don’t mind sleeping on the floor. I’ve done it before.”

“What?” For some reason, he seems confused and- hurt? “Why would you sleep on the floor? Aren’t we a couple?”

“Well- we are, but…” What is this? Hasn’t Tsukasa been trying to avoid him this whole time? But something like this is okay?

“Then, what’s the problem?” Tsukasa asks. “Oh- are you worried because I snore? Because I have some earplugs if you need them, don’t worry! I figured we’d be sharing a room at the very least, so I made sure to prepare.”

“...Yes, that was it. What a relief. Thank you for being so considerate.”

Rui tries not to let his brain overwork as he follows the group into the elevator, but it’s hard to stop the thoughts from whirring. Every time he thinks he might understand, there’s another wrench in the works. Can he make a list of everything today and try to figure it out from there? Tsukasa had texted him to make sure he was awake this morning, but the language was vaguely impersonal. They had sat next to each other on the train. Rui had sulked about the salad in his pre-packaged sandwich, yet Tsukasa hadn’t lectured him at all. No ‘you need to eat healthy’ or ‘you can’t just avoid the foods you don’t like’. But when Rui had grown uneasy at the lack of scolding, Tsukasa had looked sad. How can such a close friendship morph into something he barely understands? It really is starting to drive him a bit insane.

The room itself is very beautiful. There’s a wonderful view of the ocean out ahead, and there’s more than enough room for all of Rui’s extra luggage. And of course, one large double bed.

“If we’re waking up early, we should probably sleep soon,” Rui says. “It’s already quite late, especially by your standards. We need to refresh before the show tomorrow.”

“Good idea! Yes, we need to be fully rested for the morning!” Tsukasa lays out his suitcase, and doesn’t even make the easy comment about how Rui usually sleeps much later than him. Just like he didn’t voice his concerns about Rui’s overpacked luggage, or the sugary selection of snacks in his backpack. His old Tsukasa-Robo might have a better chance at imitating Tsukasa than this person standing in front of him.

Rui takes a seat by the desk and listens to the sound of the ocean. Usually the room would be filled with the sound of Tsukasa’s voice. Rui glances back to where Tsukasa is unpacking, and sits up slightly.

“You’re reading a new book?” It’s lined with the sticky notes sticking out the pages, and Rui can’t hide his interest. “Is this something for a new show? What’s it about?”

Any other time, Tsukasa would leap up with shining eyes and explain the plot and the setting and all of the characters. ‘I think it could be a really fantastic finale! And the main character, I’ve already been thinking of the best way to play him, but did you want to take a look? I’m sure you’d have some really great ideas about how to set it all out!’

“Hm?” Tsukasa looks up for a moment, then tucks the book back away. “Oh, it’s nothing.”

“...Can I see? I might’ve read it before.”

“It’s not really your type of thing. I don’t think you’d be interested.”

“...I…see.”

More silence. The waves seem to have grown louder, but that might just be the loud crashing inside Rui’s head. He may not survive until morning.

“I think the show went really well today,” Rui tries instead. To his relief, Tsukasa smiles at this. Ah, what a warm, genuine expression. 

“It did! There’s something about performing on an outside stage that makes everything that much more exciting, right? It’s like our lines are going past the stage and the audience and out into the world so everyone can hear!”

“Yes, I know what you mean. Even though the stage is the same size, the performance sometimes feels a lot bigger.”

“And it’s nice to perform something more lighthearted this time,” Tsukasa continues, pyjamas in hand. “All of our shows lately have been more serious. It’s important to keep a good variety to make sure we don’t end up stuck in one genre! Flexibility in roles is a key skill for any actor. And anyway, sometimes it’s just fun to have a more comedic role!”

“Absolutely.” That’s why Rui had suggested it. “I’m sure tomorrow will bring us another success.”

That should inspire a pose, or a hard laugh, or maybe a not-so-humble brag. Rui waits eagerly. 

“I think so too! Anyway, do you want to use the bathroom first? I’m going to have a shower, so I might take longer.”

It technically isn’t impossible that Tsukasa has been secretly swapped with another similar but much more dull version of himself, Rui thinks as he stares up at the ceiling, but it’s not very likely. He seems normal when interacting with everyone else. The only consistent factor in this strange behaviour is Rui’s presence. It went downhill so quickly, too. Rui doesn’t feel like he’s done anything seriously wrong or offputting, but then, he didn’t think so when he was younger too, and everyone had also avoided him back then. He had hoped that his current friends were immune to his strange ways, but maybe taking the step of a romantic relationship has pushed things too far.

It was Tsukasa who had approached him, though. Red-faced with his eyebrows drawn tight, he had offered out an answer to a question Rui had never spoken aloud. He’d completely destroyed every brick of the wall Rui had so carefully built and protected. His tightly kept secret, pulled out in front of him, painted instead in Tsukasa’s own hue. They had held hands then. They had kissed.

“Is that okay?” Tsukasa had asked against an orange sky, his costume in a bag still tucked under his arm. Rui distantly remembers thinking how expected it was that Tsukasa had waited until after the end of the show’s last performance. “You can say what you think. Don't worry. Sorry, did I say that all too suddenly?”

It had felt impossible at the time and it still feels impossible now. Rui had spent three days waiting to wake up with a screw pressed against his cheek and a crick of pain in his neck. Eventually, he’d had to concede that it was real. A great thing at the time, so enormous it had been dizzying, but now, it’s just another reminder that blissful reality always arrives alongside a twist. A good and a bad. A magnet must have two opposite poles in order to function. That’s just the way it is.

Perhaps, after all, he’s been selfish. This has been a sweet taste, a gluttenous grab at what he’s always craved, but a taste is all it should be. Yet, terribly, Rui really doesn’t want this to end. Even if Tsukasa is miserable? No, he can’t allow that. But please, he thinks. Just a little longer. Let him pretend for just a little longer before he has to give it back.

“My bedtime routine is officially complete!” A dramatic flood of steam escapes as the bathroom door is flung open, and Rui notes a soft citrus scent drifting out with it. “My hair is washed and conditioned, my face mask is complete, my teeth are brushed, and my moisturiser is applied! When I wake up, I’ll be ready to start the day as ready as always! Did you need to wash up before we sleep?”

“That’s okay. I already brushed my teeth.”

“Is that it?” Tsukasa sits down on the other side of the bed. The waft of his shampoo smells nice, and Rui wants to try and figure out what it is at a closer proximity. “Anyway, Rui. I should warn you. This hasn’t been a problem before because we usually have separate beds, but apparently I tend to move around a lot in my sleep. Saki says I tend to sleeptalk a lot, but you can borrow the earplugs if it keeps you awake!”

“Don’t worry, I never noticed much.” Rui is probably more aware of Tsukasa’s chaotic sleep habits more than anyone, considering he’s always the last one to drift off at all the group sleepovers and hotel stays they’ve had in the past. Far from being annoying, Rui had always secretly enjoyed Tsukasa’s soft snores and mumbled lines from shows they had done in the past. It had been fun trying to decipher which one. “Besides, I’m a heavy sleeper. I usually fall asleep at my desk.”

Tsukasa looks like he wants to scold him, but again, chooses not to. Rui looks down and tries not let his dismay show. It’s like someone has cut all his interesting dialogue.

“Well…if it gets too much, just wake me up. I would’ve brought some string to tie my thumbs together if I knew we’d be sharing like this, but it’s too late now.” He says it like it's an exceptionally common thing to do. “Okay! Rui! Goodnight! I’ll see you in the morning!”

The lights click off, and Rui lies back, arms by his side. So that's it. Nine hours left to go. Maybe eight if he opts for an early ‘awakening’. Tsukasa is warm beside him, a comforting presence against the chill of the AC unit that whirs softly ahead. It’s surely on a timer, because Tsukasa would never risk drying out his throat the day before a performance.

Thirty seconds after the lights have gone, Tsukasa’s breathing slows. Fast compared to anyone else, but oddly delayed for Tsukasa. It usually takes him ten seconds tops to fall completely unconscious after his head touches a pillow. Even if he’s acting calm, he must be uncomfortable after all.

It’s going to be a long night. Rui tries to think about the machines and blueprints he has waiting for him back home, but none of the thoughts stick. Using his phone might wake Tsukasa, and it’s too dark to see his toolkit. Could he potentially sneak down onto the floor and just say he fell when questioned in the morning? There’s a lobby downstairs, they probably have chairs he can lie on. Possibly a slightly insane thing to consider, especially considering it would be an escape to sharing a bed with someone currently considered his boyfriend. Rui exhales as he hears Tsukasa roll over beside him.

Realistically, Tsukasa likely just acted on an impulse. He saw something shiny for a fleeting moment and grabbed it. That’s fine. That’s how Tsukasa works. It doesn’t mean he actually feels that way about Rui too. Really, this whole thing is Rui’s fault for letting himself reciprocate. But- it had been so hard not to at that moment. Finally, he had been given permission to have something he had yearned for for so long. Even through all the times he’d told himself he couldn’t, when it was offered out to him, he accepted immediately.

Nene can say it’s plain to see from her perspective, but the truth is sometimes the director does see things the audience doesn’t. How many times have they ended a show to discuss problems that nobody else noticed? Sometimes he and Tsukasa would spot issues that not even Emu or Nene picked up on. They’d sit together after the show, serious-faced, and Tsukasa would listen earnestly to each of Rui’s points. Agreeing and disagreeing, explaining and understanding. Every time Tsukasa would sit there so attentively, no sign of fatigue, fuelled with his ever persistent drive to improve. They’ve always had that connection, but now, somehow, Rui has ruined it, perhaps forever-

Tsukasa rolls over violently in his sleep, and a hand smashes into Rui’s face. With a pained noise, Rui sits up, holding his hands over his nose. Beside him, Tsukasa stirs.

“Huh…? Rui…?” The sleepiness dissipates quickly when Rui doesn’t respond straight away. Sharp light floods the room as the bedside lamp is switched back on. “Rui? What’s wrong?”

“I’m okay.” The pain is an odd mix between burning and numbness, radiating through his nose up behind his eyes. When Rui slowly moves his hands away from his face, there’s a small pool of blood sitting in his palms. Something wet rolls over his lips and joins the red below. Another, non-physical switch is pressed.

“You’re bleeding-?!” Tsukasa scrambles up, grabbing the tissue box from the desk and diving into his luggage to pull out whatever various pieces of his first aid kit he’d decided to bring. That was supposed to be for show injuries, not- whatever this is. Rui stares dumbly as another drop of blood joins the puddle. He lifts his head to see if it’ll lessen the flow.

“Don’t do that, keep your head forward-” Tsukasa pushes a hand against Rui’s back. “Are you okay? Does it hurt? Wait, did I hit you?!”

Rui shakes his head, accepting a wad of tissues.

“I’m so sorry, Rui! It’s not broken, is it? Seriously, I’m so sorry! I was having this crazy dream where I was being chased by a monster…”

It’s a gentle yet heavy feeling, akin to the weight of a book falling over, or a piece of paper being scrunched up and thrown away. With his head still forwards, the tears fall uselessly onto the bed, more blood saturating the tissues. 

“Should we break up?” Rui asks in defeat.

“Wh-” Somehow, the panic grows even louder. “What are you- talking about? Does it hurt that bad? I’m so sorry?”

More tissues are pressed into his hands, as if this will resolve all their problems. At least hunched over like this, Rui doesn’t have to see the expression on Tsukasa’s face. Even the thought of those large alarmed eyes makes him want to snap himself in two.

“I promise it’s nothing personal!” Tsukasa is saying. “I’ve always been a really messy sleeper. My mom said even as a baby they had to swaddle me so I wouldn’t get my limbs stuck in my crib, and Saki once made me hold an apology tea party when we were kids to make up for all the times I kicked my plushies onto the floor. Really, it’s nothing to do with you being there!”

Those are great memories that Rui would really like to hear more about, but currently all he can focus on is the sensation of everything leaving him. 

“Rui?”

“Are you not happy?”

“What? Are you- are you really upset? If it’s bad, I have painkillers in my bag, I even have the sugar-coated ones you find easier to take-”

“Not this.” Rui’s voice is thick through the tissue. “Everything…before. Are you unhappy with me?”

“Why would you think that? Did I do something wrong?”

He really sounds confused, which just makes the crushing feeling inside Rui worse. So Tsukasa isn’t aware how strange his behaviour has been. Does that mean he’s suppressing it? Not even able to admit to himself what seems so obvious to Rui?

“I’m sorry,” Tsukasa says again. “I didn’t mean to do anything to upset you. Really. Was it because I over-rotated my exit in the table scene? I know you kept telling me to be careful with that. It was my fault entirely, my shoe slipped because I wasn’t secure enough on my left leg. Tomorrow will be better, I promise!”

“I actually…didn’t notice that at all.”

“Really? Then, why…?”

“You don’t want to hold hands.” Rui feels the blood seep through the outside of the tissue, and Tsukasa presses another bunch into his hands. “You don’t seem to enjoy being with me anymore. Our friendship has changed.”

“What- no- but- isn’t our friendship changing the whole point?”

“I thought that you would enjoy this, but it seems I was wrong.” Rui’s eyes sting. “You don’t even react when I say I’m going to blow you up anymore…”

“Th-that’s what’s upsetting you? Wait, I really don’t understand.”

“I apologise that I forced you into something you didn’t want to do. I apologise more that I didn’t notice at first.  As a director, that’s truly unforgivable. I appreciate that you’ve endured my selfish fantasies for so long. But…I really don’t want to lose you. So maybe it’s for the best if we just break up.”

“How does that make any sense? If you don’t want to break up, then let’s not break up!”

“But it’s not fair to make you do this.”

“No, you’re not forcing me to do anything! Wasn’t I the one who confessed to you first?”

“But you always do whatever I ask you to do.”

“That’s because I trust your direction! Also, that’s not true. I said no when you suggested hanging upside down for the entirety of that musical number.”

Rui sniffs and tastes metal. “You would’ve been safe. We could’ve built up your stamina with an inversion table. And the angle wouldn’t have been steep enough to allow the blood to pool in your head.”

“I don’t doubt that, but think about how dizzy I would’ve been starting the next scene! And also, my hair would’ve-” Tsukasa stops, looking away. Rui lifts his head.

“You did it again,” he says. 

“What?”

“You stopped.”

“Stopped what?”

“Lecturing me. You were going to tell me off for not considering how the gravity would impact your carefully crafted hairstyle, weren’t you? But you didn’t.”

“Isn’t that- a good thing? I’m your boyfriend. I’m supposed to support and accept you.”

“But I don’t want you to change how you speak to me.”

“So you want me to call you insane?”

“Yes,” Rui says tearfully.

“I don’t understand any of this.”

“Why did you stop holding my hand?”

“Well, I thought it wouldn’t be right if I did those things without your permission. I read a lot of things that say it’s best to let the other person set the pace and be respectful of their boundaries! And also, you always seemed kind of…dismayed around me. I didn’t want to make things worse.”

“Because you seemed uncomfortable,” Rui says. “You weren’t acting like yourself.”

“I was trying to figure out how to act like a boyfriend. A good boyfriend!”

“Why did you want to put away the lights by yourself? I could’ve helped you. We could’ve at least done it together.”

“It’s courteous to help your partner with difficult tasks,” Tsukasa explains as though reading information from a page. “I told you. It’s my role as your boyfriend.”

“I don’t want you to play a role. I want you to just be normal. I don’t mind putting the lights away. I want the Tsukasa-kun I always had, who’s loud and excited and scolding.”

“But those things are how I am as a troupe leader.” Another tissue swap. The amount of blood seems to have slowed down considerably. “It doesn’t seem right to perform the same way as your boyfriend too. I was researching it a lot, and those behaviours don’t seem right at all for a romantic setting.”

Rui considers this. “What research?”

“Saki gave me a lot of her manga to read,” Tsukasa says. “And I found a lot of dramas too. And I was reading romance novels too, just so I could understand the proper way to play a boyfriend. It really goes a lot deeper than just holding doors and pulling out chairs, I know that now!”

“That’s what was in your luggage,” Rui realises.

“It’s embarrassing to admit I don’t know what I’m doing,” Tsukasa continues, quieter. “And I clearly don’t! The harder I try to be a good boyfriend, the more you seem disappointed by my performance. I was trying my best to make you happy, but I failed. Even…before accidentally punching you in the face.”

“I appreciate your consideration very much.” Rui moves the tissue back, and carefully touches his nose. There’s no more fresh blood. “But I don’t want you to perform or play a role. You don’t have to act a certain way. I just want you to be the way you’ve always been. That’s the version of you I love the most.”

Tsukasa is quiet for a moment. He stares at the near empty tissue box below. “What time is it?”

Rui glances at the clock. “It’s late. I’m sorry for keeping you awake.”

“It’s not that.” Tsukasa stands up. “I just need to check how long the nosebleed lasted so I can make sure you didn’t lose too much blood. Wait here, I’ll get you some water. It’s important to hydrate after any kind of extended bleeding!”

And then there’s a glass of water being pushed into Rui’s hands, and a pack of wet wipes from Tsukasa’s bag. The shock of the affection and care Tsukasa gives him so easily could almost make him cry again, though he thankfully manages to hold back this time.

“Does it still hurt?” Tsukasa asks, sitting beside him again, closer now. “It doesn’t look broken, but if anything seems wrong, you have to let me know!”

“It doesn’t hurt now.” A little sore, but nothing compared to their usual scrapes and bruises from rehearsals. “Thank you.”

“Rui.” Tsukasa takes Rui’s hand, finally, and Rui has to look up. “I’m sorry I made you feel like I was unhappy. And I’m sorry for misunderstanding your feelings. I’m not unhappy! Not at all! I’m immensely enthralled you accepted me as your boyfriend! I love being with you too, just as it was before. I don’t want to break up. Please! Is it okay if we keep going as we are?”

“Of- course.” Rui tightens his grip, relishing the much missed contact. He can’t say no. He could never say no. “I also don’t want to break up.”

“Thank goodness!” Tsukasa suddenly wraps his arms around Rui, pulling him into a tight hug. For a second, Rui freezes, but then he remembers that this is okay and he’s allowed to hug back. Against all odds, against everything he’s told himself since he first started seeing Tsukasa this way- it’s really okay. Like their passion for shows, this is just another feeling they share. It’s okay. It’s all okay. Maybe he can have this now. Maybe he can have this for the rest of his life. “If I ever do anything wrong as a boyfriend, please, tell me. I’m always grateful for your feedback.”

“...I heard that really really good boyfriends let their partners do underwater shows.”

“And I heard that good boyfriends make sure their breathing apparatus works properly before they test it out on unwilling test subjects.”

“It basically works.”

“‘Basically’,” Tsukasa repeats. “Fine, show me the updated design, and I’ll consider it.”

“I love you,” Rui murmurs into his shoulder.

“Yes, you've told me before.” Tsukasa tightens his grip in a way Rui knows is complete reciprocation. It’s a few more seconds before he pulls back. “We should get back to sleep soon. So long as there’s no more blood and you’re not feeling unwell.”

“I feel much better now.” Rui smiles. “You’re a fantastic nurse. I’m grateful for all your attentive care.”

“W-well, of course I am! Whether a leader or a big brother or a boyfriend, it’s always important to know how to act in a medical emergency!” Tsukasa falters. “But, I’m still worried. What if I hit you again?”

“I can try to face the other way if you think that would help?”

“Hmm…” A pause, and then he sits up. “Wait! I have an idea!”

“Hm?”

The lamp is switched back off, and Tsukasa takes his place again beside Rui. He ushers Rui to lie down too, and Rui is about to ask what’s going on, before Tsukasa takes Rui’s arm and wraps it firmly around his shoulder.

“Tsukasa-kun…?”

“I was thinking it would be good if there was something that could secure me in place, but then I realised we already have something right here!” As if it’s fully natural, Tsukasa settles himself into Rui’s hold, tucking his hands under Rui’s arm. “If you keep your arms like this, I won’t be able to punch or kick you! Hm! It’s a fantastic plan, is it not?”

His right arm will surely go numb sooner or later trapped underneath Tsukasa, and if Tsukasa does flinch again then Rui will probably lose a good chunk of his tongue from the headbutt into his chin, but- really, he doesn’t mind. The supernova heat of Tsukasa’s body and the soft scent of his conditioner is almost enough to send Rui to sleep right there and then. To think less than an hour ago he was considering sleeping on a couch in the lobby.

“It’s a good plan,” Rui manages to murmur. “You won’t go anywhere like this.”

This time, Tsukasa breathing evens out in a matter of seconds. Unusually, Rui doesn’t feel far behind him. Perhaps it’s the blood loss, or perhaps it’s because only now has he realised just how comfortable this bed is. Yet, he wills himself to stay awake a little longer, just in case this really is all an anaemia evoked concussion and he’s currently bleeding to death somewhere in a distant universe. If he has to go back, he’d rather hold Tsukasa in this reality for just a few more moments.

In his grip, Tsukasa shifts slightly. Rui places one hand atop Tsukasa’s head to thread his fingers through his hair, and his body eases. 

“Sorry for running,” Tsukasa mumbles in his sleep. “You’re actually…not scary at all.”

Rui closes his eyes.

-

The girls are already waiting by the elevator by the time they get downstairs. It’s not like Tsukasa and him are late, but rather that Rui may have hit snooze once or maybe three times until he was forcefully wrenched from the bed by a terribly cruel and normal version of Tsukasa who had already been awake thirty minutes. But really, he actually isn’t tired at all.

“Good morning!” Emu greets, barreling over at full speed even though they’re no more than five feet apart. “Nene-chan and I went to explore the buffet and it looks super super good! They even have unlimited pancakes!”

“Hmm. Unlimited?” Tsukasa’s face is already set for a challenge.

“We still have two more nights in this hotel, so let’s not get kicked out yet,” Nene warns them. “No abusing the buffet rules.”

“But it’s unlimited!” Emu counters.

“Those signs are for normal people,” Nene says.

“I’d like to see just how far the staff will go before they decide to stop,” Rui says thoughtfully. “Unlimited is really just a way to say they haven’t decided what the limit is yet.”

“I’m gonna eat twenty!” Emu declares.

“Yeah, I think they’re gonna have to decide a limit pretty fast,” Nene says, then eyes Rui. “You seem brighter today.”

“Do I?” He looks away. “I guess I was just tired yesterday, after all.”

“Did you sleep okay?” Emu asks. “Our bed was super comfy and soft!”

“We did!” Tsukasa says. “I mean, we did end up having kind of a late night in the end. And hopefully the staff don’t mind that we used up all the tissues. But yes, we both slept excellently after that!”

“What,” Nene says.

“Yay, that’s so great that everyone is getting along again!” Emu cheers. “And since we’re all so rested, I’m sure today will be another super fun show!”

“Of course!” Tsukasa puts a hand on his hip and raises his head high. Rui wonders if he has enough time to snipe a quick photo. “Let’s go to the beach again tonight too! We should still have enough snacks for everyone to share. But for now, let’s focus on getting breakfast and heading over to prepare for rehearsal!”

Tsukasa takes Rui’s hand firmly, and Rui squeezes back. Nobody claps, and there’s no audience, but still their hands stay connected. Everything is the way it’s supposed to be again. They're just themselves, the same as ever. Except this time, he doesn’t have to let go.