Work Text:
"Hummer," Wifies says.
Hummer whines pathetically and hugs Wifies tighter. Wifies lets out a muffled yelp as his face is shoved into the crook of Hummer's neck.
"Hummer, I'm going to miss my flight," Wifies says.
"Then miss it," Hummer grumbles. Wifies sighs loudly.
"We can't stay in bed forever."
"Yes, we can."
Seeing no other option, Wifies reaches for the glass of water on his bedside and upends it over Hummer's head.
Hummer yelps and shoots up, water dripping from his face. "What was that for?!"
Wifies smooths out the few strands of his hair that were caught in the crossfire. "You didn't get up. Therefore, I assumed you needed encouragement."
"Encouragement, my ass," Hummer says, flipping Wifies off. Ah, he's improved so much since the holidays. He can make rude hand gestures now.
"Be ready in twenty minutes," Wifies reminds him, kicking off the blankets and heading to the bathroom. "I won't hesitate to leave you behind if the taxi gets here before you do."
"That's twenty more minutes we could have been sleeping," Hummer says petulantly, but he complies.
By the time he finishes wrestling with his toothbrush, Wifies is sitting on his bed and loading up Minecraft. Their world- the one they first met in, through a Reddit thread rabbit hole, too many coffees, and a few urban legends- fills the screen with a view of their house. Hummer knows that to Wifies, it's just the server they met on, but he had to live in that house when Wifies wasn't on, so he figures he can be nostalgic about a few brown pixels.
That doesn't mean he enjoys blocky furniture, though.
"Do I have to?" Hummer whines, staring at the screen. The phantom feeling of wood digging into his elbows makes itself known.
"It'll only be for a few hours," Wifies tries.
"Thirteen hours," Hummer grumbles. "That bed sucks. Do you know how much better human beds feel?"
"I'm well aware," Wifies says dryly, "since it always takes a fistfight and a half to get you out of bed."
Hummer groans and reaches for the very edges of his human form. He dissolves each part slowly, starting from his toes. Obviously, he could do it in two seconds, but Wifies deserves it this time.
"Can you do it a little faster?" Wifies grimaces uncomfortably. "Unless you're tired-"
"I'm going at my full speed," Hummer deadpans, very much not going at his full speed.
Wifies sighs and flops down on the bed. Hummer snorts with the part of his nose he still has left.
Taking pity on his boyfriend, Hummer speeds up the process and fades from view. In the blink of an eye, he pops back into existence with that stupid little TV head he loves so much. Ugly as it is, he's grown attached to it. Besides, what would he replace it with, anyway? Heads are a waste of time.
Well, worst case scenario, he supposes he could use Wifies's face.
"Can you hear me?" Wifies asks.
"Yes," Hummer huffs, flopping down dramatically on his Minecraft bed. It's really not that bad, but it's not the same as Wifies's bed. There isn't really any way for him to go traveling out of the laptop, though. Hummer legally doesn't exist, meaning no passport, no visa, no ID. Basically, he has to travel in a Pokeball.
"Okay, the driver should be here in a couple minutes," Wifies says. "Can I close the laptop now?"
"Yeah," Hummer sighs. "See you in thirteen hours."
"See you in thirteen hours," Wifies echoes. He closes the laptop.
They do not, in fact, see each other in thirteen hours.
Wifies isn't sure what happened between that and getting in the car that made him forget his laptop. He opens his bag at the hotel to let Hummer out, and the space where it should be is empty.
He recalls grabbing his things off the bed when the driver got there early, rushing to get everything in. Then, he remembers forgetting something and dashing back upstairs to grab it, and sprinting into the car with a quick apology. But there is no specific moment where he remembers not putting his laptop in.
Wifies groans into his hands. His flight home is in a week. There is nothing he can do to get back to Hummer.
He's so fucked when he gets home.
Hummer realizes something's up when Wifies doesn't open the computer.
According to the little clock floating in the corner of the screen, it's been well over thirteen hours since Wifies closed the computer. He's tempted to go out and take a look for himself.
Unfortunately, Hummer cannot open computers in his Minecraft form. He's code in a game. Physically, that's all he is- pixels on a screen that have no way of interacting with the world outside a computer. And no way to move the laptop means no way to get out of the screen.
Fortunately, that doesn't mean he can't just find another open computer. The problem is finding an open computer close to Wifies's house, powered on with no one using it at the moment, and in a house equipped with a convenient escape route- say, an open window.
Conveniently, he knows one guy with a computer that fits all the requirements. When he and Wifies joined a server full of Wifies's classmates, Hummer met a guy who left his computer AFKing at farms often, lived near Wifies, and mentioned leaving the window by his computer open. Inconveniently, Hummer actually has no idea if he's at his computer right now.
He decides, at that moment, that if he gets caught, Wifies can do the explaining. He closes his eyes, feels the code of Minecraft flowing around him, and throws his hand into the little section he's looking for.
Exactly as he's planned, wooden planks disappear and is replaced by glass. Ahead of him, a figure in diamond armor labelled Parameterization swings faithfully at a mob farm, waiting for the player behind the screen.
"Holy shit," Hummer says to himself. "That was so fucking cool."
When he turns around, a view of the outside world is right there, just as he expected. Para's room is neater than he thought it'd be.
With a simple pop, he's standing there. The open window is right next to the computer. All he has to do is climb out.
Problem One: Hummer is not adept enough at being a human to climb a window.
Problem Two: there are footsteps coming back down the hallway.
This is how Hummer finds himself with one leg out the window, arms braced against the frame, wearing Wifies's face and Wifies's clothes.
There's a long pause.
"Dude, how did you even get in here?" Para asks, picking his jaw up off the floor.
"Um." Oh, right, he's using Wifies's voice, too. Hey, if he's gonna commit identity theft, he's gonna be thorough. Hummer blinks slowly, trying to think of an excuse.
"You know breaking and entering is a crime, right?" Para's voice is bordering on hysterical.
"Yeah. I, uh..." Hummer scrambles for something to get him out of jail.
Para stares at him suspiciously.
"I hit my head really hard yesterday and now I can't remember where my house is," Hummer says.
Y'know, like a liar.
Para's still staring at him. No, gaping would be a better word. "You- you-"
"Yeah?" Hummer responds innocently, tilting his head.
Para shakes his head. "Nothing. Let's, uh... get you home."
"So, you don't remember how you fell? Or where you live?" Para asks disbelievingly as Hummer fumbles with the key to Wifies's house.
"Nope," Hummer chirps cheerfully. He said that as an excuse for being in Para's house, but it's actually kind of funny. Wifies can deal with Para when he gets home.
"Okay." Para rests his elbows on Wifies's counter and closes his eyes. "Okay, that's fine."
"I'm sure I'll remember eventually, though," Hummer says gleefully.
"Got it," Para sighs. "Okay- have you eaten dinner yet? Want me to make something?"
"I don't think I've eaten," Hummer replies. "I can make some food, though. At least, I think I can."
Para sits down and Hummer gets to work. There's lettuce in the fridge, the stuff that they didn't manage to use up before the trip, some noodles that he can boil, a bit of ground meat that Wifies likes to mix with tofu sometimes.
He turns the stove on and pours oil over it, then tosses some chopped garlic in. He's seen Wifies do this a million times; it's really not that hard to just copy him. He puts the ground meat in next and whacks at it with a spoon a few times until it turns into little bits. The noodles go into a pot of water that he puts on the stove.
He's so focused on pouring water that he almost misses the smell of burning food.
Hummer swears and rushes to the ground meat, stirring and flipping it until it's no longer still cooking the burnt side. When he gets back to the noodles, there's some weird white foam rising to the top and the noodles are turning gooey. He scoops it out and dumps everything onto a plate before it can get any worse.
Para stares at the sad, soggy lump of charred food with the slightest hint of concern.
"Um." Hummer holds it out. "Dinner?"
Very slowly, Para drags his eyes down to his phone. "Let's, uh... let's just get takeout."
"Para," Hummer says.
Para shrieks and throws his phone across the room.
"Wifies- what the fuck- you can't just appear like that!" he gasps, clutching at his heart.
"Yes, I can," Hummer replies cheerfully, flopping down on the couch next to him. "What're you doing?"
Para inches away slowly. "Um. Tumblr."
"Oh, social media." Hummer nods sagely. "I don't get why people are so addicted to that stuff." He's about to stand up before he notices the shocked look on Para's face.
"Dude." Para's mouth hangs open. "You are, like, the social media addict. You post crazy shit on Tumblr all the time. I refuse to believe one nasty fall killed your addiction."
Hummer blinks, then curves his mouth into an eerily wide smile. "Really? That's interesting to know."
Para opens and closes his mouth a few times and ultimately decides to give him a thumbs-up. "You know, man, good for you. I'm gonna- I'm gonna go feed my cat."
"You don't have a cat," Hummer calls after him. Para declines to comment.
"Para," Hummer whines, eyes tracking the spinning motions of the ceiling fan.
"Wifies. No," Para pleads.
"You're no fun," Hummer grumbles. He tosses a piece of crumpled paper up and catches it.
"I am not breaking into the chemistry lab to get you chemicals to make kitchen bombs." Para rubs at his eyes.
"I could do it," Hummer argues.
"You'll get another concussion or something," Para snorts. "I don't trust you with that shit."
"But it's fun," Hummer points out.
Para buries his face in his hands. "Don't you have a boyfriend to flirt with?"
Said boyfriend grins. "Where's the fun in that?"
"Why," Para groans.
"I've got fifty dollars right here," Hummer says, waving the money at him.
Para's eyes lock on to it. "Seventy-five."
Wordlessly, Hummer pulls another twenty-five dollars out of his pocket.
"This is a really bad idea," Para says.
Hummer grins. "Oh, I know."
Wifies swears to himself as he practically throws the money at the driver and sprints up the steps to his house. The key finds itself in his hand of its own accord, and he jabs at the lock in a rush.
"Hummer, I'm so sorry- I can't believe I actually forgot the laptop-"
He freezes.
"Wifies, hi," Hummer says, upside down on the couch. And... looking like an exact copy of Wifies.
Para gapes at Wifies, then slowly drags his gaze over to Hummer. "What the fuck."
Wifies glares at Hummer. "Really? You had to do this?"
Hummer gave him a thumbs-up. "Revenge."
"You are so petty."